How do you stay vibing high with a low vibrational spouse?

[sea-dove]

Originally Posted by Rue11

Thanks all. I am dependent on him financially and we have a child so it isn't a simple thing to leave.

It's not so much what he says. I can talk myself out of being upset over words. It's his actions that make my life more difficult.

I try not to put blame on others for the way I'm feeling. I don't want to feel helpless. So if I decide to stay and put up with things I don't like (at least for a while, maybe a few more years) then how do I change my negative thought patterns surrounding the situation?

The big problem is that it is very likely that with time, you will end up feeling even more powerless to change your situation than you do now as people like your partner erode their partners confidence in themselves etc and from what you say here about needing him (being dependent on him), it appears you already do not have great confidence in yourself and your own abilities.

Cos bear in mind, it is NOT healthy for your child to be in this situation either, even if he doesn't treat him/her badly, the child does get so see and feel how its mother is treated like ****. That gives a child a whole skewed idea of how a woman should be treated and what his mother deserves.
Chances are he/she will begin treating you the same way your partner does.

I once left a partner who I had a child with cause of what things my ex was teaching to our child, children do observe everything. I did not want my child learning that it is okay for a guy to be nasty to his partner. I had to leave out of respect to my child and wanting her to have good relationship role models and not the example she was around.

I guess my mothers relationship with my dad helped me to do that as it was horrific and I wouldn't have my child feeling as I did. My father wasn't physical abusive at all towards my mother but just wasn't nice at all at times to her and the reason she stayed was "cause I had you kids at the time". She stayed only cause she had children with him.

To this day at almost 50.. Im still upset at my mother that she did that as it was HELL FOR ME in that energy and what I could "feel" between them. She should of left, she should of found the strength to leave FOR US children. Children deserve to be growing up in a peaceful environment. I got so unhappy and it got so unbearable that I started running away from home at only 12-13 years old as I could not stand the disharmony and the energy it caused between my parents, it caused me not to be wanting to live in the same home as my parents. Staying with him certainly damaged my mother too, she's no longer with him (she left him after I moved out of home) but she carries a bitterness with her now over all the years she spent with him which she just can not seem to get over at all, I do not think she's ever going to get over it as she's that badly impacted by those years of staying with him (she's got constant anxiety, depression and feels vulnerable. Due to her self worth being destroyed by that bad relationship for so long.. when she finally left she jumped immediately into another bad relationship so she's with a guy now who scares me some). I cringe when I hear someone say that they are staying for their children, that just can be so harmful to all involved.

sorry for the negative post but I just wanted to make sure you knew what that can feel like from the childs view of having parents who are not getting along.

Originally Posted by sea-dove

The big problem is that it is very likely that with time, you will end up feeling even more powerless to change your situation than you do now as people like your partner erode their partners confidence in themselves etc and from what you say here about needing him (being dependent on him), it appears you already do not have great confidence in yourself and your own abilities.

That's why I think it's important for Rue11 to insulate herself, develop an indifference and self-sufficiency; take up diversionary interests, etc., until the time comes to take off - or by setting her example the guy becomes far more appreciative and a reconciliation of minds is possible. She needs in private to visualise how she'd like her life to go without revealing too much to the guy, just let him observe her in a new light, if he's capable.
.

[Rue11]

Originally Posted by iamthat

It may help you to look into the work of Byron Katie. Her core theme is that if we resist the reality of how things are then we suffer. Wanting people to be other than they are is hopeless - they are what they are until they change.

Thanks for the suggestion! Sounds right up my alley.

[Rue11]

Originally Posted by sea-dove

The big problem is that it is very likely that with time, you will end up feeling even more powerless to change your situation than you do now as people like your partner erode their partners confidence in themselves etc and from what you say here about needing him (being dependent on him), it appears you already do not have great confidence in yourself and your own abilities.



I once left a partner who I had a child with cause of what things my ex was teaching to our child, children do observe everything. I did not want my child learning that it is okay for a guy to be nasty to his partner. I had to leave out of respect to my child and wanting her to have good relationship role models and not the example she was around.

I guess my mothers relationship with my dad helped me to do that as it was horrific and I wouldn't have my child feeling as I did. My father wasn't physical abusive at all towards my mother but just wasn't nice at all at times to her and the reason she stayed was "cause I had you kids at the time". She stayed only cause she had children with him.

To this day at almost 50.. Im still upset at my mother that she did that as it was HELL FOR ME in that energy and what I could "feel" between them. She should of left, she should of found the strength to leave FOR US children. Children deserve to be growing up in a peaceful environment. I got so unhappy and it got so unbearable that I started running away from home at only 12-13 years old as I could not stand the disharmony and the energy it caused between my parents, it caused me not to be wanting to live in the same home as my parents. Staying with him certainly damaged my mother too, she's no longer with him (she left him after I moved out of home) but she carries a bitterness with her now over all the years she spent with him which she just can not seem to get over at all, I do not think she's ever going to get over it as she's that badly impacted by those years of staying with him (she's got constant anxiety, depression and feels vulnerable. Due to her self worth being destroyed by that bad relationship for so long.. when she finally left she jumped immediately into another bad relationship so she's with a guy now who scares me some). I cringe when I hear someone say that they are staying for their children, that just can be so harmful to all involved.

sorry for the negative post but I just wanted to make sure you knew what that can feel like from the childs view of having parents who are not getting along.

Thanks for that seadove. Your story reminds me of my own mother. We tend to mimic what we see growing up don't we?

[Rue11]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

That's why I think it's important for Rue11 to insulate herself, develop an indifference and self-sufficiency; take up diversionary interests, etc., until the time comes to take off - or by setting her example the guy becomes far more appreciative and a reconciliation of minds is possible. She needs in private to visualise how she'd like her life to go without revealing too much to the guy, just let him observe her in a new light, if he's capable.
.

Thank you. I think that's what I will have to do for the time being. I would love to build up our love again but it feels almost impossible when he is not the affectionate type and I have basically lost all loving feelings toward him. I used to be a very affectionate person but I have lost that in the past few years. Rebuilding that within myself separately from him must be the answer.

[Rue11]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Very difficult.
What I did -automatically- was put up walls to protect myself.

This is what I feel like I have been doing, but it only makes me feel worse. Cutting off emotions and distancing myself just makes me realize how little affection there is in our relationship and it makes me feel isolated.

[FairyCrystal]

Yes, that's what you get. But the best option if you cannot get out or aren't ready for that step yet. That's why I added the prepping and looking for options. That does counter-balance it a little bit. Nothing can completely do that, being in such a situation just drags you down to be, period. But whatever you can do to make you feel a little better is better than nothing.
Also do things that give you pleasure, that are really you. For me that was Wicca and Paganism, painting etc. Do these things as much as you can. They will help keep your essence alive.

[sea-dove]

Originally Posted by Rue11

Thanks for that seadove. Your story reminds me of my own mother. We tend to mimic what we see growing up don't we?

I think it's helped me make sure I are not like her.

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by Rue11

If I am trying to attract being treated better, is that the wrong way to go about it? Should I be trying to change my perspective on the way I am treated or change how it affects me? This feels like allowing him to treat me poorly. If I am trying to keep my vibration so high that he just vibrates out of my life...that's so much easier said than done. It's hard to remain in a higher vibration when someone is trying to drag you down to their lower vibration.

the spirits had a hard time teaching me, that it isn't good form to try to attract 'being treated better'. Better just to take my lumps no matter how it makes me feel. I *really* didn't want to learn that lesson.

Looking back I suppose i knew deep inside they were right all along. I just had a vested interest in not buying into such a lousy idea so I fought it.

Sigh.

[Toe-Knee]

Vibration, vibrations, vibrations Low vibrations, high vibrations, it's not what you're led to believe. You want to be neutral smack bang in the middle. LOA is not what you think it is, you don't decide what you want, someone else does. Don't take my word for it, research it yourself, the information is out there.