Sorry this is long but I wanted to share ...
I had a breakthrough I believe. Using my dreams to delve into my unconscious with the help of Michelle has proven invaluable to me. In particular there were two dreams that helped me understand a crucial issue I have struggled with since teenage years. One was the dream with the Obama look-alike who was flirting with me and put an apron on me but I sent him to my girlfriend because I didn’t feel confident enough to pursue this - and then I felt so sad and humiliated. The other dream was with my ex boyfriend, and I was turning my back on him and carrying my skirt over my arm. This brought up memories of when we were together and he wanted me to wear skirts and look more ‘female’ and pretty, and I felt very hurt and inadequate at the time. So, prompted by Michelle’s insight and suggestions, I went deeper into these feelings and memories and asked myself, why did I feel this way, and why did I not want to look ‘more female’ and wear skirts etc? I pondered these and similar questions, thinking, remembering, feeling … and then it dawned on me when and how all this started!
It started when I was about 10 or 11 and my body started to fill in and look more round and female. I was a real tomboy before that but when I approached puberty family and friends started calling me ‘fat’ and 'Fatty' and made jokes about me. The thing is - I wasn’t fat at all, I had a perfectly normal, healthy weight. But it was the 70s and skinny, androgynous women like Twiggy were idealized. I could not compete with that, but I tried. My adolescence was full of attempts to lose weight, which were always only successful for a short period of time. It seems so crazy to me now! I wasn’t even overweight! The thing was though that because I was always thinking of myself in a negative way (not thin enough, not pretty enough etc) that I became depressed and dealt with it by eating
- and then I slowly became overweight! By the time I was in my 40s I was about 20 kg overweight. (I have lost the excess weight since then, without even trying, simply by doing what I love to do most - I found my passion. I have now again a completely normal weight.)
I can see now that the belief of not being thin enough/pretty enough/good enough had a big impact on my self confidence. Although I felt increasingly insecure and negative about myself, at first I continued to do well in school and I had friends and boyfriends, but by the time I reached my 20s the depression became too severe and I dropped out of university. Had I not met a very good spiritual teacher at that time, who introduced me to meditation and various kinds of healing and therapy work, I believe I might have become suicidal or revert to drugs. Meditation and therapy helped to make me temporarily feel a bit better about myself but I did not reach the root of the problem and continued to sell myself short, passing on job opportunities because I felt ‘too ugly’ to go to job interviews, did not define what I wanted and needed from romantic relationships and friends, did not pursue my hobbies and talents, etc. It really penetrated every aspect of my life. I felt like a table with two legs, inadequate, a failure.
I’m shaking my head in disbelief now. It’s really sad and it makes me angry that the beliefs of family, friends and society regarding what is beautiful, which I took on as my own without questioning, basically undermined my sense of self esteem and happiness almost my whole life. It’s a relief that I finally have understood the origin of it, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (no pun intended). Thanks to a couple of dreams and Michelle’s valuable insight and guidance!
Just a few days ago I had another dream that I think deals again with this issue because of a few key elements: the location of the dream is an apartment that reminds of the apartment my aunt used to live in when I was a child and where we visited often - my aunt was very obese. Then there’s the ‘ridiculously pretty’ policeman who tries to rape me twice. There’s also one cat who is in danger of being harmed by the dogs. But I have not been able to understand some of the other aspects of the dream, or the dream as a whole. So maybe someone can share their thoughts?
Here is the dream:
I live with my husband and our dogs in an apartment that is small but nevertheless has 5 bedrooms and a kitchen (no bathroom). It has a similar layout as the apartment of my aunt when I was small. My husband is not home. The doorbell rings and I open the door. There are two policemen in front of the door. One is young (in his 20s), blond, and ridiculously pretty, the other is middle-aged, dark hair, and a bit overweight. He is a jerk and grins stupidly. They wear khaki colored police uniforms. I let them in. The blond one then overwhelms me and puts me on the ground. Both lie down next to me, Blondie in front, the other behind my back. It is clear to me that they want to rape me. I say no and try to get up. He touches my breast which makes me very angry and I manage to jump up and tell them to leave. They leave. I call my husband and tell him what happened and he comes home and we talk.
Then the dream kind of restarts. It’s another day and it’s the same situation: my husband is not home and the doorbell rings and I open the door. The same two guys stand in front of it. They come in and again Blondie wants to rape me. I fight with them, it’s all over the place. Then a girlfriend of mine is also there and she takes him to a bedroom in the back of the apartment (the one where my aunt and uncle used to sleep in and where I used to sleep in a small side bed when I was visiting them). I then collect the dogs who had run out into the staircase. One tries to run downstairs, I have to call her several times until she comes back up. New dogs are also coming in and one cat. I leave the door open in case Blondie comes back, so I can quickly escape or other people can see/hear me and help me. I only put a low grill in the open door so the dogs don’t run out again. Then I go into the first bedroom where there are now a lot of people (a whole family with children) and the dogs, and the cat. I count 13 people and 13 dogs. I tell the cat to be careful because of all the dogs, they could harm her. She sits under a small side table. She is white and red/brown.
Then Blondie comes out from the back bedroom and leaves. My girlfriend also comes out and sits down on a high chair (like a bar stool) and boasts about the sex they had in explicit language. She looks older now (like around 70) and has many wrinkles. She has a beautiful, flowing, red+white+yellow cotton skirt and top on, very sexy and revealing. She indicates that Blondie had a really really strong need for sex. Then she says, "let me check between my wrinkly breasts, I think there’s more". When I turn around I see that my husband has installed a matt black, wooden panel and a black door to another bedroom there.