The path of non-atttachment

[Laurasbubble]

Hi there,
I am struggling with attachment at the moment, to a car of all things!
My mother gave me one for free, and I offered to share it with my sister - my sister has three children and works shift work as a nurse so would benefit from the car probably more than I would.
Of course there is a back story (as there always is) which I won't go into... but this morning my sister asked if she were 50/50 owner of the car as she was paying for half of it.
The urge in me to yell "no it's mine!" was so high. When the facts and the truth of it are I have been without a car managing well for years before having this one.

My attachment to this thing was intense. It was about control and ownership and I didn't like it one bit.

Knowing that ‘Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering’ means I am working through the feeling of "no it's mine" (when it isn't mine as I offered to share).
I don't want to be the person who through my subconscious uses the false ownership of the car against my sister for sibling issues or past issues my sister and I may have.

I am working hard on this. I am trying to allow my actions to come from love and non-attachment, but this in itself causes pain and discomfort.

Does anyone have any tips in working this out? Or in helping me find peace with my attachment issues?

Thank you in advance xxxxxx

Reading behind the lines LB it feels that there are other reasons behind your car issues, mybe it's more about control than attachment. When I started practising Buddhism I found non-attachment to be very easy to follow, I enjoy my material items, I get enjoyment out of them but I don't get attached to them, there just items to be used, and if someone needs them more than I do then they are given away.
Can you not start by giving one item away each month mybe to someone in more need of it than you and see how that feels, it's a starting point and see if your mindset changes. Non-attachment is not about enjoying or having, its about the importance we put on owning things, the more we have the more we have to worry about losing.
Regarding the car... im sure you and your Sister can come to some agreement about sharing it without to much trouble, it seems that she really needs it more than you do if she works and has children to ferry around, I find it hard to understand why it was given to you and not her in the first place but thats your Mums decision. Don't let a piece of metal with 5 wheels cause so much trouble to your Family, nothing lasts forever

[Shrek]

You can still say its yours only. But you can share the ownership too.
She will care more the car if its belong to her too.
And Buddhism see it as Dana Paramita, give transportation to other is a virtue, as a result you will get comfort ness.
Think that the car is a gift. Share the gift with sister is good too.
Attachment can be very subtle sometimes, people not even realize their on it. Great that you realize it.

Originally Posted by Shen.Y

You can still say its yours only. But you can share the ownership too.
She will care more the car if its belong to her too.
And Buddhism see it as Dana Paramita, give transportation to other is a virtue, as a result you will get comfort ness.
Think that the car is a gift. Share the gift with sister is good too.
Attachment can be very subtle sometimes, people not even realize their on it. Great that you realize it.

Shen, YOU and YOURS is not as good as OURS, non-attachment

[Shrek]

Not that easy to tell what we have as OURS
I wish I can do that later.
Sharing is need practice. I can share some of my belonging but not all
Attachment indeed a great obstacle for that.

[Laurasbubble]

Originally Posted by celest

im sure you and your Sister can come to some agreement about sharing it without to much trouble, it seems that she really needs it more than you do if she works and has children to ferry around, I find it hard to understand why it was given to you and not her in the first place but thats your Mums decision. Don't let a piece of metal with 5 wheels cause so much trouble to your Family, nothing lasts forever

My sister has a van which she shares with her husband so has access to transport, however because her husband needs the van during the day and my sister can work from 7am - 8pm getting the kids up is an issue and unfair on them.

Also, three years ago I shared my car with my sister and within a week she had written it off (everyone was safe in the accident). She and her husband decided to pay for the damage to the other car privately, rather than through the insurance and I was left without transport and without financial compensation. My sister and her family of course had their van as transport so I assume my mother looked to help me out.

I love thinking of things as "ours" - but of course there are deeper issues at play. Sibling relationships are never simple, and our upbringing was far from equal for many reasons. Sometimes parents don't realise that their actions will have such lasting effects on children. But I am aware and I have the ability to work through it.

The best things to come out of this are a deeper awareness for me, open communication with my sister, and a want and will be develop myself and my own issues. I deeply love and care for my sister and her family, and I am fortunate to have them in my world.

I am also fortunate to have this forum to get help and support form. Thank you.

Xxxx

Since this is under Buddhism, and not knowing anything about Buddhism, and I am assuming you must be trying or are practicing. So if you are not supposed to get attached to material goods, use this as a test or lesson for yourself. Give your sister the car. Tell her it is 100% hers. You stated that you did fine without one for years, so you already know you will be ok. See how it feels to you to give your possession away and see the reaction of your sister also. Good luck. What a cool lesson.

[Laurasbubble]

Originally Posted by B-bird

Give your sister the car. Tell her it is 100% hers. You stated that you did fine without one for years, so you already know you will be ok. See how it feels to you to give your possession away and see the reaction of your sister also. Good luck. What a cool lesson.

Ha ha - I love how my initial response to that was "no way never it's my car!" which was followed up by listening to myself deeper. Very cool. And really helpful for this situation in my life right now. I hope I can apply it to other similar situations. I love how your comment made me respond in that way so I learned more, thank you.

My sister would do the same as me, and not accept the gift for herself alone. Sharing was certainly one thing we learned as children, especially with each other. That may have come from not being treated equally or more directly. But we are a team, and I know she wouldn't deny me the joys of freedom a car can bring. As I wouldn't with her.

Sharing is the way forward, and my control and possession can be changed and can transfer to be more about love than ego.

Thanks again

[Shrek]

That's cool B-bird. If she can give away the car, and not a single regret come after that. I really respect you _/|\_

[Shrek]

Nice relationship you have with your sister.
Real sharing and caring :)