I feel Ive failed in this lifetime

[Impulsv]

You may or may not recall my tf married. Ever since I’ve been in major depression , find life meaningless. Im out of depression but stuck in major hate for my tf. No I don’t hate myself I hate him for how much he hurt me!
For stringing me along for all those years. I would have preffered being ignored the first time we met. Being ignored any time after whenever I reached out.

I guess I can chose to belive it was because he was running but I chose to look at facts, not signs , syncs, miracles n hang on some false hope of his return.
I’d rather hate him than hang on to hope. I chose reality n hate seems to be the only thing propelling me to move forward.


So I’ve gone 1000 steps backwards on this journey of unconditional love.
I know I’ve lived this before with same results. Is it to much to expect I’d do better in this life!

[DaisySunshine]

I am in a similar boat. My twin isn't married, yet, but there was intense romantic chemistry for us for a few months, then he started dating someone and told me he no longer had romantic feelings for me. We stayed great friends, but he often sent mixed signals and it was difficult to watch him persue someone else when I still wanted those things, but I would prefer to stay friends than nothing. Well, after a normal texting conversation a week and a half ago, he ghosted me. Ignored me hasn't blocked me on social media or my number, but won't even read my messages despite being active online.

Yeah, I'm supposed to be compassionate, love him fully, focus on myself, and move on. But I can't forgive him, love him, or focus on the "positives" by working on myself and my life lessons. No. I can't. I'm bitter, and am livid with him. I'm sure he would breathe a sigh of relief if I found the positives in this and moved on, happy for him and his storybook little life. He doesn't get to just hurt me this bad then have his life work out exactly how he wants. I will be sure this haunts him.

[Impulsv]

I don’t care about his life
In fact I know he’s miserable his eyes didnt look joyful or in love
That is his life sentence but
I’m am plagued by this hate that I pray nightly to leave me.
I’ve tried hopponohoo meditation, read on forgiveness but I’m consumed
I acknowledge this is no good for me!!!!!
I’m waiting for aha , a way to release
I don’t know how!

[Impulsv]

Originally Posted by DaisySunshine

I am in a similar boat. My twin isn't married, yet, but there was intense romantic chemistry for us for a few months, then he started dating someone and told me he no longer had romantic feelings for me. We stayed great friends, but he often sent mixed signals and it was difficult to watch him persue someone else when I still wanted those things, but I would prefer to stay friends than nothing. Well, after a normal texting conversation a week and a half ago, he ghosted me. Ignored me hasn't blocked me on social media or my number, but won't even read my messages despite being active online.

Yeah, I'm supposed to be compassionate, love him fully, focus on myself, and move on. But I can't forgive him, love him, or focus on the "positives" by working on myself and my life lessons. No. I can't. I'm bitter, and am livid with him. I'm sure he would breathe a sigh of relief if I found the positives in this and moved on, happy for him and his storybook little life. He doesn't get to just hurt me this bad then have his life work out exactly how he wants. I will be sure this haunts him.

Sorry your going through this
It’s a painful

[psychegrl]

The most effective way that I had release from my twin flames human emotions is a cord cutting healing. I went to a Healer in my area to get it. It was so life-affirming and made everything else livable. That was over a year ago!

[Ariaecheflame]

I did the cord cutting or cord disolving (a bit more gentle) with a very strong mirror soulmate a few times as well until all the layers of healing were achieved. I also did a couple of soul fragment retrivals from strong karmics as well - followed by cleansing of the energy which I re - claimed.

Please - though most of all be gentle and have compassion for yourself. Re - claim yourself and don't be afraid to boldly re-focus all of the attention and redirect the love to yourself.
I actually did a retrival of all the love energy I gave away to the mirror soulmate - reclaimed that love for myself and asked for him to recieve love from source and started to honour myself and my needs... taking the focus completely off the connection.

We really don't need to be sending our energy to these connections... especially when there is such imbalance...they need to learn to connect to their own source of love. It is ok to direct all of the focus of love and nurturing to yourself... thus re-claiming your power.

I really do wish you the best and I hope that you start to feel better soon.

[SaturninePluto]

Impulsv,

Hi. First time really speaking with you here, and reading one of your posts.

I want to say firstly, I am really glad you posted this, not glad at all at what you are going through, but thankful you have opened an avenue for this discussion, as this type of thing many can relate with, and really may need to talk about without worrying about opening up to those we see everyday, if you understand what I am saying. So thank you.

I'd also like to say here that where you said you've gone 1000 steps backward on this journey, that I feel admitting that you legitimately feel anger, and hatred is actually quite brave imo, to be honest about how you are feeling, and to not hide, deny or otherwise sugar coat it. That takes courage, and is a respectable honest thing to say. I feel that is in a way, moving forward and not backward. Honesty is admirable, and it is brave to tell the truth about ourselves, even when we feel we do not like the quality in ourselves we are openly sharing.

So there is that to consider and remember, you have a right to feel as you do, and you are entitled to it. That in itself within your post to me shows a great level of maturity, and this to me is not a step backward.

Having said that, I agree whole-heartedly with emeraldheart, you should be gentle with yourself, and focus on yourself and your own well being right now. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be in the situation you are in right now, because I have yet to experience that the same way. Not heartbreak- we've all experienced that- but having to go through what you have- with your tf, getting married. I have not been through that even with someone who isn't my tf. I am sure it is very painful and difficult to go through.

But emeraldheart is right. You absolutely should re-focus your energy here on you. 100 percent.

You are deserving of love and happiness. And you are also deserving of compassion and healing.

I wish you all the best.

And I thank you for being honest and brave.

[Ldlf16]

Well stringing along is unkind, so. I think your anger is ok. Working out of it for your own sake is hard and a process. I practice some energy healing but you have to keep at it. There's a lot of suppression of any negative feelings in these circles and I think that's equally unhealthy.

I don't think loving someone who treated you as a doormat is ever a lesson to be had... perhaps it should instead be to stand up for oneself against such behavior, and love ourselves even when others don't.

Feeling you've failed in this lifetime is a revealing choice of words though. I can relate to that as well, but that's a different problem than just feeling let down by him. Because it did not work out? I always felt like I had almost no choice in how I interacted, as if I were directly guided, but now it hindsight it all seems so stupid, as if it could have been simple. Maybe regret is another thing we just have to keep working through? Let go of the anger for yourself as well?

[Theophila]

Hi impulsiv,
I remeber you when you went through this...
Parallel to you it was happening similarly to me.
After he got married I still kept in touch but it was brutal as he changed his attitude in a worst way towards me and I ended up only initiating contact which made me feel worse.
One day he asked of me sth which I thought was quite selfish and it triggered a rage in me I never felt for anyone...
Such fury I became seriously physically ill for months. I had always felt an obligation , since I loved him, I should love him and support his life decisions . The “ unconditional love” guilt. Why I call it guilt ? I was under the belief that when we truly love someone , we should put their needs above ours.
That was MY belief.
But sadly I realized it wasn’t his.
So what does that mean ? Unconditional love is great , I don’t deny that but when only one person is vibrating with that train of thought and the other isn’t it’s going to severely hurt one of the two...guess who that will be?
Real love in this world is no fairy tale.
I beleive two people have to be very conscious , aware and emotional mature to carry out such a love.
And I beleive also it’s a two way street.....
When you feel this way , and the other person does not regard it , you will be hurt even if it’s unintentional .
When he asked me what he did ask me I felt he did not consider my feelings at all and was only thinking about his wants.
The rage turned me around. Flashes of myself poured into my mind remembering all the countless years I cried and hurt over him . I felt as I felt I was looking at myself as I would someone else..
I saw the pain , I saw what it was doing to me , what I was believing in was only coming from me.
Even if he felt the same way...what is the difference ? He made a life decision with someone else...
He chose another path. Even if it would have been better to be with me , he isn’t.
Were my feelings considered ? No.
So to watch myself sink in self pity , have months , years of my own life wasted ,the rage kicked me to love myself , just as much as I loved him.
It took a while for the hate and rage to pass but I said “NO MORE”
I used that rage and hate to completely stop lingering in that mindset.
Slowly I emotionally got my life back, my heart has cleared and I feel ready and open for sth new, sth better.
I care about myself like I never ever have in my life before.
And now , when i think of someone to come , I have different expectations ...which basically means whoever it will be has to truly love me and show it.
No more will emotion alone guide my behaviour.
Awoken in me was my own best friend , myself.
Do I still love him ? Yes . But in a different way , a closed book of my past.
Don’t feel guilty of your emotions , the hate and anger will go away..
Even those emotions are there to help us as things are not black and white in this world. Anger sets you in motion from being in a latent state which frankly isn’t serving you at all.
It propels you to take action as long as you use it productively .
See this as a sign , a positive sign.
Honestly I don’t beleive this feeling we had with them is only exclusive to them.
I don’t beleive that we cannot experience it with someone else.
It would not be fair divinely for this to exist as it has to do with TWO people and dependency which would not be fair if one of the two decides not to be with the other.
How could that be just? If I have this kind of love , and he didn’t want to live it , why should I be deprived?
Why should you?
You have that kind of true deep love in you and you want to share it with someone who feels the same with you and that can VALUE that.
In time the hate will fade away . If you work on yourself , focus on the best in you and what you want to do in life , life will align with that.
There is a light after this dark tunnel, this coming from someone who had been through the same...
Never give up impulsiv, you were born into this life for your own path first and foremost , not to lose it to someone else .....
Love and light to you

[Impulsv]

Thanks all
What I’m doing is Ive let my weight go and have gained 20 lbs.
I’ve cut my hair short knowing it’s want men don’t like
I’ve colored my hair red knowing no man will like it
I’m rebelling against the norms of beauty of what men look for
Perhaps pushing away the opposite sex?people say I need to start dating
I’m doing everything opposite to attract a man!
But in the same token
It’s what I’ve always wanted to do when young and didn’t to follow the conventional norms