the final lesson

[selene]

Hi. I am writing this in case anyone might find it helpful and to share a few realizations:

For whoever remembers my story, my TF broke up with me early on in our relationship, based on distance considerations, despite the fact that on our live meeting we had talked about bridging the distance. What followed, the next four years was an ill-defined friendship/relationship. Some days, especially when I tried to move on romantically, he'd throw some romantic breadcrumbs, enough to keep me hooked. For example, I did enter a romantic relationship once and he was sulking about it -so I broke up. I loved him. And I stayed. He was the first one to discuss this superb, unique bond we shared, and he was the one to be flirty at times -I was not, since our break up. I was honest about loving him, but not flirty, and respectful of his boundaries. He usually was the one to initiate contact.

I have to admit, this was not a very sad story most of the time. I am an independent woman, and honestly, I did not feel the need for a romantic relationship most of that time. I did want him. And I wanted a child. He was aware of both. I had explicitly talked about it. But he avoided the conversation -and whenever I'd protest that, he'd say that he was not comfortable discussing feelings.

My confrontations about it were usually gentle. After our initial break up -which too had happened on my inquiring 'what's wrong' and which he later revealed had been very painful for him -I did not press much. Except, a few days ago, I decided to push this to the end. I knew that chances were he was going to reject me, which he did. He further said that he had no idea I was having romantic feelings and that he had totally overlooked that part -which was a complete lie because we *had* openly talked about it. It was painful that day to hear that such a big part of my feelings had been simply overlooked. In his usual manipulative tactics, he admitted that if I felt that way, he would not be surprised if I hated him. I said I did not hate him, but I did not want him in my life anymore.

Unlike other times, when I had tried to leave him, I did not write any words of goodbye. I had a bit of a melt-down when I called him a liar etc, but all in all, I held my own. Because he usually becomes very manipulative when I announce my leaving, this time after I saw we were talking in circles, I said I needed a bit of time off. And I just left. No goodbyes, no big parting words, nothing.

The weird part was what happened next... I have to admit that, for a day or two, I kind of hoped that my exit would help him come to his senses and go after me... and then, I realized that what I told him -that I deserve better than this -is in fact, true. The last time he had done this, he had admitted that he was acting out of fear, but no matter what, a commitment to me is not something my loved one should fear. If they do, they do not deserve to be with me. And just like that, I stopped fantasizing about my TF finally coming forward for me. I only still call him TF because he did open my thought and soul to a number of practices, realizations, and inner knowledge more than any other person before.

Coming to terms with this rather anticlimactic end to the strongest romantic bond I have felt seems, at this point... well, liberating and happy! For the longest time, I was tiptoeing around that guy. Sometimes, it was to not hear his rejection. Others to not push him to running-mode. Others, because I knew that he was a master in avoiding confrontation, so it would just be in vain. Whatever the case, this was not the man for me and there was nothing I could do to change that fact.

Long story short: I still believe my TF is my TF because of his contribution to my life, but there is no way anymore that our relationship will be romantic or even that I will ever be in contact with him as a friend. Does this sound like unconditional love? Yes, unconditional love is not being an emotional doormat or a punchbag, or even to accept terms that are not satisfying me. It means that I love my TF in the same way I love any other human being. If there was anything I could do to help them, I would. But I do not think that I was helping them by staying around. I was rather enabling behavior that could potentially prove harmful to me or even another human being. And as such, I refuse to enable it anymore. And I think this is the biggest, final lesson my TF experience held for me, a lesson I had begun to learn earlier in life and became complete now: unconditional love is not an excuse to let anyone treat me badly. I know it may sound self-explanatory to many here, but to me, this is big. Hugs to all, and thank you for reading.

[jro5139]

Big hugs to you too Selene:)

I think this is one of the most important lessons that our tfs come to teach us... that ultimately we have to put ourselves first, no matter what kind of bond/connection we feel we have with anyone else.

In the last day or so, I have had a major perspective change in regards to how I think of and interact with my twin as well:) Your post solidified this to me, because the way you describe your twin, reminds me a lot of how my twin was before our 2 year separation. And who know at this point, maybe his coming back was to put these realizations down in concrete.

I have decided some things about the way I interact with him, and I actually started to do this during the conversation I had with him last night. One, that I will never chase him again. Two, that starting last night, if he gives me ** or excuses, I will call him out on it. Three, I will give him some (reasonable) time, but if he doesn't follow through and make plans to see me, I will end our friendship. Four, I will tell him exactly how I feel and why when doing so. If he runs, he runs. It only means he's not ready for a legitimate, mature relationship.
This will either be something or it will go right back into separation, either way I know I'll be fine. If there is anything our 2 year separation taught me, it's that I can live, thrive and be happy without him. I am no longer attached to the outcome of my relationship with him.

I think we tend to put a lot of stock into this because of the depth of the connection and bond. It's not anything special about them as people (they are no better or worse than anyone else), it's the bond we share that we have never experienced with anyone else and know is rare. But if they are not ready, than it will not work out, no matter how deep our bond is with them. And it's important to remember that it's not a reflection on us if they are not ready, it's a reflection of them.

So I too, have begun to talk to my twin differently, and if he can't handle it, than he is free to run. I am standing up for myself more and in a lot of ways, it feels like the tables are turning. Ultimately, above anyone or anything, I am choosing me.

[selene]

Originally Posted by jro5139

Big hugs to you too Selene:)

I think this is one of the most important lessons that our tfs come to teach us... that ultimately we have to put ourselves first, no matter what kind of bond/connection we feel we have with anyone else.

In the last day or so, I have had a major perspective change in regards to how I think of and interact with my twin as well:) Your post solidified this to me, because the way you describe your twin, reminds me a lot of how my twin was before our 2 year separation. And who know at this point, maybe his coming back was to put these realizations down in concrete.

I have decided some things about the way I interact with him, and I actually started to do this during the conversation I had with him last night. One, that I will never chase him again. Two, that starting last night, if he gives me ** or excuses, I will call him out on it. Three, I will give him some (reasonable) time, but if he doesn't follow through and make plans to see me, I will end our friendship. Four, I will tell him exactly how I feel and why when doing so. If he runs, he runs. It only means he's not ready for a legitimate, mature relationship.
This will either be something or it will go right back into separation, either way I know I'll be fine. If there is anything our 2 year separation taught me, it's that I can live, thrive and be happy without him. I am no longer attached to the outcome of my relationship with him.

I think we tend to put a lot of stock into this because of the depth of the connection and bond. It's not anything special about them as people (they are no better or worse than anyone else), it's the bond we share that we have never experienced with anyone else and know is rare. But if they are not ready, than it will not work out, no matter how deep our bond is with them. And it's important to remember that it's not a reflection on us if they are not ready, it's a reflection of them.

So I too, have begun to talk to my twin differently, and if he can't handle it, than he is free to run. I am standing up for myself more and in a lot of ways, it feels like the tables are turning. Ultimately, above anyone or anything, I am choosing me.

That is so great, jro! I am so happy for you! Yes, from your resolutions, I can see the similarities -I had to make those too as I was reaching this point when his reaction would simply not scare me. The more time goes by, the better it feels taking this step.

You are absolutely right that what is exceptional is the bond, its depth and its effect on our lives, rather than they as individuals. At least, they are no more exceptional than others. Feel free to reach out, about your progress when it comes to these decisions you made. In the meantime, many hugs and well wishes.

[bluebinding]

This really resonated with me, Selene.

Recently I have been processing a separation from a friend that was painful, abrupt, and unplanned. I consider the relationship with my friend to be one similar to what you describe: a special bond that opens one up to new realizations, wisdom, and lessons. This recent separation was not the first time we had a falling out. There were other intense, emotional events where my friend became very angry with me and ended contact. In the past, I would feel extremely guilty, thinking it was entirely my fault that my friend was so upset. I would apologize and basically beg for forgiveness because I never wanted to hurt her.

Now, a little older and wiser, I can see why my friend was upset recently, but I also know I did the best that I could and did not intend to cause her pain. I feel empathy for her, but I could not act against what was best for me in order to appease her. I no longer feel the need to ask for forgiveness, justify my actions, or earn her approval. After this recent fall-out, I did struggle for a long time feeling guilt, shame, and sorrow for the loss of our friendship. I felt bad that I was not more appeasing and that I acted in my own best interest. But I've learned that I need to put myself first and not victimize myself for the benefit of others, whether I am afraid to hurt their egos or feelings or afraid to challenge them and lose their approval.

I like how you acknowledged your TF as your TF still, based on his contribution to your life, even if you will not be romantically involved or even friends anymore. I still love my friend, I always have, and I am comforted to know that I can love someone from afar if it is healthier for me. I do not need to subject myself to painful interactions or continue to be a close friend with someone if it does not make me feel healthy and supported. I realized the episodes with my friend were instances of her emotionally controlling situations, events that made me feel overwhelmed and guilty like I was the evil "bad guy". I don't need to go through that anymore and I certainly don't need to beg for acceptance and approval. Even now I appreciate my friend for all the lessons she has helped me learn, and I intend to honor those lessons by treating myself with respect and love and not compromising myself or accepting manipulating treatment from others.

Jro5139, I like how you identified that the bonds we share with these people are very special, but at the end of the day, our special connections are like everyone else, people with strengths and flaws. It helps me to remember this and not be "all reverent" of people with whom I share that bond connection. I no longer wish to act more deferentially to it and allow anyone with a special bond to treat me worse than I would allow a "normal" person to treat me.

Thank you both for your posts

P.s. One more thing...I recently had the idea that God, the universe, wanted this recent fall-out to happen in order to protect me; it was in my best interest. Although I have long believed everything happens for a reason, with this painful separation I really felt guilty and bad for a long time - that is until I saw it as more of the universe acting rather than the actions of myself or my friend alone. This time was a 180 degree turn from how I perceived and reacted to prior fall-outs and I feel it evidenced great personal growth and maturing on my part. Though painful, it was so rewarding to recognize these lessons learned. I believe the universe is always trying to help us, and I see this as a great example in my case.

[Flameseeker]

Sounds like a Narcissist not a Twinflame
.