Depression resistant to everything

[CherryCherry]

I've tried shrinks, I'm currently on anti depressants and have been for 2 years, I meditate and do yoga everyday, I am creative & paint/draw to help it, I watch funny things, I follow minimalist & Buddhist principles, I follow Law of Attraction, I've volunteered to help less fortunate, practice gratitude, have a close family relationship & even tell myself that I am healthy & there is nothing wrong.

It's all to no avail, how can I rid myself of this depression - I've had it for almost 10 years and I'm only 20! I really want to help myself & free myself. I know that I am so lucky to be given the gift of life but I'd rather give it to someone who wants it, as I would prefer not to be here.

[Silver]

Hi CherryCherry ~ you've even picked an up-beat name for yourself here on SF - such a good thing. I have my own thoughts and opinions about 'depression' and everything else, so as the usual disclaimer goes, I'm not a medical professional, so my point of view on your question is not to be taken as professional advice, etc.

The word depression makes one ... depressed! It's one of the many overused words/diagnoses in this day and age. So, to me, just saying it makes one depressed.

With all the 'good' things you do to escape it, I was thinking as I was reading your first paragraph that you may be trying a little bit too hard to escape this scary monster 'dis-ease.' If I WERE you, I would knock off the Law of Attraction right off the top.

I am curious as to what does your meditation do for you? I've been reading about Buddhism and joined a Buddhist forum or two during the last couple of years, and from what I understand about Buddhism, it has helped me immensely especially to appropriately deal with my emotions (I lost my only son on Valentine's Day 2010). I came to realize my life has been one big emotional train running through my life, too.

I wouldn't drop the artwork or yoga ~ but all the rest are things most of us do anyway (watching funny stuff, being grateful, etc.). Maybe realize you are a decent person and let yourself be - iow don't take life so seriously, if you know what I'm getting at. Blessings to you, keep me posted how you're doing, okay.

[CrystalSong]

Hi CherryCherry :)

I struggled with depression for decades - early tweens onward.
I grew up in a household with lots of physical abuse ( weekly blood, bruising and skin damage) and thus ran away the first time when I was 6 years old. Just to give a little background.

When as a teen and young adult I would get plummeted occasionally into depression for no apparent reason I finally decided that it was possible that due to growing up in a near constant state of Fight or Flight chemical releases, that my brain had never fully developed pathways for Happiness, Joy and contentment. And that this would likely continue for this life.

This belief was further supported by how I wake up each day - which is not happy, buoyant expectant, excited, eager to see what the day holds - but wary and 'feeling inside and outside to see what the day holds', almost bracing myself to deal with things.
I wake wary, sensing for danger, always. I make no determinations about what type of day it is for at least an hour, when I'm fully awake I can determine consciously it's going to be a great day. This is not how I wake though.
So, I've concluded the physical abuse altered certain nuro-pathways and chemical balances in the body from a young age.
It was my personal cross to bear. So so be it. It is what it is. No point in dwelling further on it.
I made friends with it so to speak, the result is it doesn't have as much hold on me anymore and self judgment has been removed from it - it just doesn't have the 'I'm broken sting' anymore, nor do I victimize myself about it anymore than having freckles, or thin eyebrows.

Instead it's something I internally monitor, much like self grooming, knowing when it's time to go to the restroom or eat. A part of me monitors my thoughts and moods and self adjusts to keep them on an even keel so depression isn't experienced. I'm very stringent on monitoring my self talk and quickly reroute negative inner talk or chuckle about it and change subjects.
If I notice a couple days of down turned energy with no apparent cause other that internal chemistry I take a St John Wart and the next day am fine again.

Physical activity, Yoga, Meditation, being with friends, being creative and going to interesting events all help immensely and less internal monitoring needs to be done during these times.

Find your way to deal with it and do so, and go onward to have a rich and satisfying life with little disturbance from it. You can tame your Dragon :)

[vespa68]

You may just be more conscious of your depression over time and need to go to a deeper place with it. I mean there is a deeper reason for it and you are not grtting to it. Emotions are there to tell you that you are not being true to yourself is some way and you are not nunderstanding it. Maybe just try to just meditate on the emotion and give it attention and see if over time you can get some perspective.

[CherryCherry]

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write such honest and quality replies.

Silver - thank you for that insight into your life, you've pulled through the hardest thing you'll probably ever have to go through. Losing your child must be agony - makes you realise how precious life is. Reading these replies has made me realise that these feelings that never really leave you are usually triggered (mine is probably due to my childhood). One good thing that came from a rocky childhood was a really strong bond that I built with the rest of my family (my dad left us when I was about 5/6, but was still causing trauma until about age 10/11). I agree, maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I should just let it be and plod on for a while. Meditation helps me quiet my mind, assess my feelings and why I feel them. I tend to think myself into oblivion, I'm always anxious (although others think I 'have it all together'!) Depression is something that I don't want to be part of my identity, I hide it from everyone apart from my close family. I never really speak of it, because it's something I've chosen to deal with alone (who needs to know). You really don't know how much you've helped me, so again thank you ❤️

CrystalSong - I appreciate you sharing, I went through a similar thing and I know it's tough to talk about sometimes. I wasn't personally abused, but had to watch my mum being beaten on a regular basis as well as her being mentally abused too. My dad was an alcoholic as well as bisexual, so he'd end up cheating on her with men. She did everything to leave but he'd threaten her and scare her, he knew how to frighten her to death with the weird things he used to say. I don't really think about it much, I just sometimes think it's weird how he never sends us birthday cards or wanted to stay in touch with us (long story). After all of that (and more which I can't go into for times sake) my mum tried her best to let us have a relationship with him. But obviously, as a mother, she had to protect us. Maybe it's that which has triggered it? I used to remember waking up in bed with trembling legs when I could hear him shouting at her - so it's probably learnt behaviour. She is an excellent mother, always so lively and kind and we have a very close bond so for that I am eternally grateful. Your coping mechanism is a good one - mindfulness helps. It helps to be in the present and take a moment before deciding how your day will go (but sometimes I just get caught up & forget!). Thanks so much!

[CherryCherry]

Originally Posted by vespa68

You may just be more conscious of your depression over time and need to go to a deeper place with it. I mean there is a deeper reason for it and you are not grtting to it. Emotions are there to tell you that you are not being true to yourself is some way and you are not nunderstanding it. Maybe just try to just meditate on the emotion and give it attention and see if over time you can get some perspective.

You're right. I think I have a lot of emotional baggage that I packed away because I had to - I couldn't take time out to heal. I had to just get on with it, go to school and see my friends and do whatever else kids do. It's a dark place and I don't like reliving it. Where would I start? Probably only meditation would help.

Thanks for your reply, it helps! :)

[vespa68]

Originally Posted by CherryCherry

You're right. I think I have a lot of emotional baggage that I packed away because I had to - I couldn't take time out to heal. I had to just get on with it, go to school and see my friends and do whatever else kids do. It's a dark place and I don't like reliving it. Where would I start? Probably only meditation would help.

Thanks for your reply, it helps! :)

That's the problem, you weren't exactly focusing on your emotion and probably with your meditation too. You just get more lost and out of touch with your true self when you do this. I'm an energy worker and help deeper emotions along so people can understand them. This is one way if you can find a healer that can go every deep. Otherwise you can meditate and do your best to see your emotion. Emotions need your attention and when you work on it enough it will tell you something and then diminish. See if this is something you can do yourself.

[KyleConn]

Depression is a battle that you can only and only win alone. because after some time, even the ones who really care about you start getting tired of you.

I don't think anti depressants or shrinks can help someone in the long run.

The best way to do it is:
1) Find out the reason for your depression
2) start working on that problem to fix it and focus all your attention towards it

It's very hard to get by but it's the only way. Trust me. You'll feel so much better after you overcome depression. It makes you stronger.

[Realm Ki]

Oh I just wanted to write briefly that 'knocking off Law of Attraction' is just NOT something I agree with...

(At least if it means 'stop doing it' as I understand it to.)

Here is my absolutely best tip:

1. "Law of Attraction": Start with the smallest things: Visualize(Attract) yourself smiling. Enjoying a fruit. Feeling your toes and thinking they are too cute. Visualize(Attract) yourself standing outdoors feeling the wind on your face and loving it. Having a stone in your shoe and caring for the stone - and your foot. A stranger greeting you.

This is how I got through to life after shielding myself from it for well most of a life time.

When you get some success - do a bigger one: Waking up happy.

/So perhaps you have tried this, already. But I've found that often we tend to take to big a bite, and it's the tiniest things that really can set things in motion/.

2. This tip I got from a wonderful person, Maria, who practices everyday. Very contagious. It's the toes again. When you wake up /by the alarm f.ex.) - you don't want to, it's dark, it's cold, it's heavy. Do nothing, stay in bed, leave the off. Just wiggle your toes a little. Then imagine what they look like, little semi-round stumps wiggling under the blankets. I mean, who can take that seriously I don't know, toes are so cute and funny. They look so... funny.

And when you smile about that - that's how your day starts :)

That's my best ones. Keep it simple, you got this brave soul - and remember even if you don't remember it right now, you are desperately needed for something. Broody or bright, somewhere out there is your fight! Even I want to find out what it is!


Ok, here are some more:
* Hug a tree! For a really long time. Listen to all the stories the tree has seen throught the years, feel the healing of the flow inside it rushing through you. Trees hug back.

* Put your hands i soil. Really dig with your hands and stretch your fingers out in the loosened soil - it reaches across continents, it creates life, it recycles it, its magic. And it heals you, too.

[Realm Ki]

Oh! I have another one;

* Don't listen to sad/nostagic music.

(Seems so basic, but I kept going back to it.)

Also I made a rule: "It is not depressio if I havent:
- slept
- eaten
- been outdoors (by trees / nature)
- knew how much money I had left (even if it was nothing or negative, knowing cleared the cloud)"

The last one could be something else for you - for me money worry always goes straight to the blues.