Please help me out with this? ❤

[StuckandSearching]

Hi everyone! This is my first post and (like my user implies) I am both "Stuck and Searching" for a spirituality that resonates with me.

I figure it would be easier to tell you a bit about myself first, I'm not going to go like full out in detail- just some things that might be helpful for you to help me out. :)

As a kid I grew up as a Lutheran Christian, and I stuck with that for nearly all of my life until about two years ago when I started questioning things about the religion and receiving answers I didn't particularly resonate with. I've since adopted a more agnostic view on life, and it's very difficult for me to believe in things that are I'm not able to reason with or feel.
Even as a Christian child I never really FELT anything, and that's what I want the most. Something whole and fulfilling.

I started to look into pantheism, universalism, paganism, various monotheistic religions, and polytheistic religions. And none of them particularly resonate with me. I can't get on board with them. However I do like different aspects of them and respect them all. I respect them all very much.

I am more drawn to (even though very little) to the religions/spiritualities that have multiple gods, though I prefer NOT to worship a being.

I do however have a particular fondness for things such as lucid dreaming/astral projection, crystals, herbs and spirits. However I can no longer whole heartedly believe in these things because I can't FEEL them as strongly as I'm wanting. Animals as well mean a great deal to me, but I will continue that more in a second.

As a child my parents (who are Christian) told me I used to play with ghosts and talk to them and they were friendly. Now as a near adult, I can no longer see spirits but I can feel SOMETHING, even if my mind says it's my head. It's like a battle between my rational and dreaming side, and neither fully win.
To continue with that, I do dream often and every night I can remember what I dream. Dreams particularly mean very much to me and I've lucid dreamt on accident 3 times, but can never hold it for long. Dreaming helps me cope through real life situations I've found and I often found myself going through things like grief stages in them, but never awake. I've also never fully attempted meditation.

Animals I also hold in very high reference- even as a child. I think about them more and more as equals now than I did before, and they mean very much to me. I always used to pretend to shapeshift (but not anymore obviously) and the animals definitely resonate with me more than anything else I've come across. This makes me think I'm looking for some sort of spirit animal? I don't know, but I want to go into veterinary sciences once I graduate.

This is going to sound very strange but when I picture MYSELF, not physically, but like metaphysically? Like if my body was gone and I was only in "spirit". There's always something else THERE, something that's not part of me. It's not bad or anything, it just reminds me of something secure, like my protector. But it's not human. It's feels like a part of me but something else.

I also see times that are distinct for me very often- like 11:11 or 9:11 or 12:34 or even 9:06- which was part of my old address prior to moving. I don't know if this is helpful or if I'm just spouting useless info. But I want to like FEEL whole so I can put more out in the world, ya know?

It's strange because I feel different, but not whole- I ask questions where other do not and I want answers I don't have. It's frustrating for me because I feel like it need to figure this out before I can move on? But my rational side is telling me I'm being irrational and there's NO WAY I can feel or BE anything that's outside observation. I'm absolutely stuck. Am I suppressing something?

I wouldn't say I'm looking for a label, more of a push in the right direction. But if there happens to be a label I fall under then so be it.

I don't know what I'm looking for honestly, and I understand you can't tell me what I need exactly but your advice would help me out very much. (I think I'd prefer answers that are not monotheistic religiously.... those don't resonate with me at all, though I do respect them. ❤)

Warm wishes. ❤