How could I miss someone was bipolar?

one of my believed to be soulmates was bipolar and people would say he would have periods of being deeply depressed and then being up and about, high life, would be doing dumb things like cheating, drinking too much, sleep too little...

They have said I am sensitive. Could two sensitives make both of us more "stable" because truly that was all I got from him.

Could it be a soul-thing what happened with us? that it automatically made him more mood-grounded? I remember he was looking out for me.

Later I found out that he had not felt as home, strong as when we were on, his own words but too how we were perceived.

The two things that can now in the aftermath make me see things in new light is that he was a night owl and did not need much sleep and that in fights he would go black-or-white ways, and that's it. With bipolar I have read that can be typical symptoms. I remember then thinking he was spoiled from home and use to having things his way. He would too re think and change his mind (in my favor).

It was unfortunately his black- and white way during a fight with me that I got dumped. He regretted it and acted as if it was not like that, but I was stubborn and proud and chose to march on without him. He tried to stop that. In all kind of ways. Now looking back I feel sorry for him. All I gave him then was my anger and pride. He was told I did not want to see him no more, by others too. He did not know all the tears I shed in secret. I would play indifferent. I think I tried to protect myself because it hurt so bad. Life went on. I fell for someone else that I became happy with.

If I don't look at that fight and instead of everything else he did, said during our time together there were not any high and lows periods with him, the one thing his other girlfriends and friends and those he work with say were typical of him. His friends thought he was then on his best behavior when we were a couple which they had found funny. Was it all just a show? Was he trying to be someone else? How could he have hid it from me? I thought we were close, real close. Or could it be a soul-thing? Because we are soulmates (which I really think we were) that our chemistry made him more balanced? Or were we just lucky that he was not manic during that period?

I will most likely never find an answer, but still curious if others on this forum has discovered something similar? Can soulmate have that kind of impact together? It now feels as when he was with me he became someone else.

I just did not know what to think when the other ex girlfriends started to explain their relationships with him. I thought they must be talking about another man.

Overall it had felt like a safe relationship, we did not need many times many words, we understood each other anyways. He was mostly considerate.

Now, even though it has been so long, I feel guilt. What to do? Can't do nothing about it now. I think would his bipolarity had gotten so troublesome if I had return (not now of course so long after, but back then?)

There were symptoms of one of his parents being bipolar too so he could have gotten it from that one, that he did not have much of a choice. He really loved his folks.

What I have learn from it is I guess to have mature more than how I was like back then. I have now moved into stable relationship but he did the opposite. His other girlfriends were better looking than I was and I would have thought he would have wanted to go more "good boy" attitude with them than with me.

There was nothing else different that happen after our break up, he had the same job, he was good at what he did for a living, same friends, no family member who got sick or died, so looking at it like that there was no crises to have push his borderline.

The time frame with the other girlfriends after were about the same as with me so then it could not have been a question of time before we would have seen he was being bipolar.

Part, if not all, of the lifestyle he led because of the bipolarity could be seen as to what killed him.

Originally Posted by asearcher

I think would his bipolarity had gotten so troublesome if I had return (not now of course so long after, but back then?)

Hello, please accept my condolences.

I quoted that part, because I have lived kind of the same experience. My dad was a chronical depressive person doubled with alcoholism, suicidal tendencies. I kept him alive (Like physically) for a few years. It's not the same I know, but I also am sure that souls, people, walk their own way, whoever is in their lives.

I know, really I do. After my dad hung himself, basically one of the few ways I couldn't protect him from himself, I saw his "ghost" for about a year. Like walking to the bus stop and seeing afar a dude riding his bicycle, and the strong feeling it was him. So I know about the guilt. To be honest I was persuaded he faked his death to escape his dead-end life.

The truth is, and I'm really sorry, but you couldn't have done anything better than you did. You were there when he needed you.

You did everything you could.

You'll feel better, I promise.

Love & Peace to you.

Originally Posted by Tim here

Hello, please accept my condolences.

I quoted that part, because I have lived kind of the same experience. My dad was a chronical depressive person doubled with alcoholism, suicidal tendencies. I kept him alive (Like physically) for a few years. It's not the same I know, but I also am sure that souls, people, walk their own way, whoever is in their lives.

I know, really I do. After my dad hung himself, basically one of the few ways I couldn't protect him from himself, I saw his "ghost" for about a year. Like walking to the bus stop and seeing afar a dude riding his bicycle, and the strong feeling it was him. So I know about the guilt. To be honest I was persuaded he faked his death to escape his dead-end life.

The truth is, and I'm really sorry, but you couldn't have done anything better than you did. You were there when he needed you.

You did everything you could.

You'll feel better, I promise.

Love & Peace to you.

Tim here- thank you so much. God you must have been through hell and back. Please accept my condolences too. If love could only remove the pain, if it was that simple... It was very good of you to write to me. You have given me something to really think about. Recently I have felt someone play with my hair as if standing behind me or on the side, I thought first I imagine it or a draft doing it, but then saw it reflect in window when there should not be anything else to cause it. He had a thing about my hair. These little things of memories coming back to me. I can't say for sure it is his spirit, naturally, but it is something new. I hope he's finally at peace. It is different being someone's ex and on one moment I have felt I have no justification to mourn or wonder and on the other I can't help it. They say he kept things, photos of me, and things I had given him, his family still have it. I for sure thought he would have thrown that out long ago along with the garbage. It is a indescribable feeling that he was not angry, hate me, put me down before his life was finished. I thought he would do that to his other girlfriend, say I was you know this or that, but it's like he didn't. I know he moved on with others and was in love so I don't think he kept stuff because he was not over us. I always viewed him as a real strong person, in spirit, he knew what he wanted so people did not get so much in his way because they said it was no use, he was going to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. Tragic is when he set his mood to then do something crazy I guess none of us could have stop him, and true everyone has a responsibility for themselves, but still the thoughts are there - was he on the right medication, did he take his medication like he should have? Psychiatrist are not allowed to say but said he knew about me, so he has talked about me, us, with him. I have thought of something else today. The way he could be so wrapped up in his concentration. I was young then. Thought I mattered less. Could be why he was so good at things and work, but could be why it took over. I did know it could be a sign of his illness. He would change as well - I remember this - he would change his focus and see me and we enjoyed our time together, it was not as if he was somewhere else in his thoughts then. I could not be convinced to go back after he had said what he had said, broken up with me, because in my mind I had already set the course. Thought he would be the boss if I was to return. I still loved him then, but I couldn't do it. One time I remember him saying "Will you stop running away from me?" and "we have to talk", as a boss. He would look angry and very focused, his eyes on me, no escape. I only felt weak, like garbage and couldn't face him. That would only make him look at me even more focused. I couldn't deal with anger. I gave up. On him. On us. I was not strong enough to make it work. God, so sorry I let my heart out like this. It's done. It's over. Haven't thought about all of this a long time. Thank you so much for writing I will feel better in time. I have to remember that he did act as if he felt loved by me when we were on. The good times we had. Let the good things count.

God bless you :)

Originally Posted by asearcher

God you must have been through hell and back.

Um, well it's just a small fraction of the whole story, so... Yeah, hell and way worse. But you got the point. I came back, and so will you in time. That doesn't mean you'll forget him either.

Of course you get to mourn him. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise !

About that spirit, maybe your higher self ? Or someone new to come in your life maybe, in the future. I mean if it was his spirit you would have probably sensed the energy signature, I don't know I do not want to speak for you.

Then he gave you a bit of that strengh, because that's what happens with souls that share strong moments and stories, there's an energy exchange between both.

Peace to you

Originally Posted by Tim here

Um, well it's just a small fraction of the whole story, so... Yeah, hell and way worse. But you got the point. I came back, and so will you in time. That doesn't mean you'll forget him either.

Of course you get to mourn him. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise !

About that spirit, maybe your higher self ? Or someone new to come in your life maybe, in the future. I mean if it was his spirit you would have probably sensed the energy signature, I don't know I do not want to speak for you.

Then he gave you a bit of that strengh, because that's what happens with souls that share strong moments and stories, there's an energy exchange between both.

Peace to you

A bit late but I just want to say thank you so much, Tim here :)

Oh cool ! Have you been better ?

Oh well you know, just being myself there, but you're welcome !

Originally Posted by Tim here

Oh cool ! Have you been better ?

Oh well you know, just being myself there, but you're welcome !

Thank you for asking. Well in one way I am. And in another I'm not, but I guess that is just my over-thinking side taking charge.

I sometimes see sign that I don't know if it is his spirit doing it, or my imagination so I go from oh, this is just silly to but what if...?. Then I think why would he bother, ha ha.

Last time I meditated I suddenly saw him, unexpected, and because of the emotions it was like I snap away and I woke up from it. When I am in a meditative state I sometime get it like I feel the other feelings so much and at times it gets too strong. Usually they get all mix up so I don't know if it is all the other "person" or me or both... or imagination.

Found out that he was actually buried in the clothes he had chosen for our wedding, friend said. But maybe he kept it because he had another girl. had ask her to marry him, but she said he needed to get his head on straight before that so. So maybe he kept it for her - their wedding instead. Anyway it does effect me that he was buried in it. It is super weird because I have had glimpse of past life memory where I was seemingly buried in a wedding dress. But at least in that life I was married. But I should be use to these strange repetitive things by now. It just is, it seems. I don't know what it means. If anything. Maybe just tradition. Practical.

There was one secret I took with me from that relationship. That I did not tell him about. Remember I would try to tell him next time he call, next time he would come to the home. or next time I would get brave enough to contact him to tell him. But I never did. And when he did I couldn't cope. My mom was frustrated with me "You gotta talk to him! You gotta tell him!".

I do wonder things like - if there will be karma for me because of what happen to him after the break up?

Or if it is him visiting - how long will that be for? And why?

And if he has a goose to pick with me because of what I did wrong?

It is so strange. I am a grown secure woman other wise and at times when I think of this it is like I turn into a little girl again. One time he saw me after the break up and I swear, my shoulders went right up there. Could not get them down. Just look at him. As if I stood on the rail tracks and saw a train coming towards me.

But I mean I know he was a good person and that he belongs in heaven. I'm just so sorry he had it so tough before.

All the best :)

Originally Posted by asearcher

Well in one way I am. And in another I'm not, but I guess that is just my over-thinking side taking charge.

Good, because there's wholeness in duality.

Originally Posted by asearcher

I sometimes see sign that I don't know if it is his spirit doing it, or my imagination so I go from oh, this is just silly to but what if...?. Then I think why would he bother, ha ha.

I know the feeling, just a silly "what if" and then you go on with your life... And sometimes "it is". Trust your intuition, and with time you'll stop questionning. I know, easy, right !

Originally Posted by asearcher

Last time I meditated I suddenly saw him, unexpected, and because of the emotions it was like I snap away and I woke up from it. When I am in a meditative state I sometime get it like I feel the other feelings so much and at times it gets too strong. Usually they get all mix up so I don't know if it is all the other "person" or me or both... or imagination.

Found out that he was actually buried in the clothes he had chosen for our wedding, friend said. But maybe he kept it because he had another girl. had ask her to marry him, but she said he needed to get his head on straight before that so. So maybe he kept it for her - their wedding instead. Anyway it does effect me that he was buried in it. It is super weird because I have had glimpse of past life memory where I was seemingly buried in a wedding dress. But at least in that life I was married. But I should be use to these strange repetitive things by now. It just is, it seems. I don't know what it means. If anything. Maybe just tradition. Practical.

There was one secret I took with me from that relationship. That I did not tell him about. Remember I would try to tell him next time he call, next time he would come to the home. or next time I would get brave enough to contact him to tell him. But I never did. And when he did I couldn't cope. My mom was frustrated with me "You gotta talk to him! You gotta tell him!".

Well, about the clothes.. When people die, they sometimes leave a lot of mystery behind for us to ponder over. You should not worry, and just ask yourself with openness. Does it really matter ? I mean, there seems to be a connection there with you and the wedding dress. In the end, sure clothes are nice and all... But they don't make the people ! And as you said, traditions also have a play in this.

Also about secrets, actions have a habit of exposing them in plain sight. So maybe he knew ! Maybe you could try and tell his spirit, you know, if at some point you'd feel like it.

Originally Posted by asearcher

I do wonder things like - if there will be karma for me because of what happen to him after the break up?

Or if it is him visiting - how long will that be for? And why?

And if he has a goose to pick with me because of what I did wrong?

It is so strange. I am a grown secure woman other wise and at times when I think of this it is like I turn into a little girl again. One time he saw me after the break up and I swear, my shoulders went right up there. Could not get them down. Just look at him. As if I stood on the rail tracks and saw a train coming towards me.

But I mean I know he was a good person and that he belongs in heaven. I'm just so sorry he had it so tough before.

For the karma, only you can answer. But you have to be open to it, right now you wonder too much. I mean I totally understand, he mattered to you, so much more than that. And if he has a goose to pick you'll know eventually, or maybe you already know. Again, only you can tell now.

Also, I think it's pretty good to feel like a little girl, it's your inner child, with it's beautiful innocent look on things. No expectations, just happiness. Openness and growth. Once you get in touch with your inner child, and you manage to "cohabit", things seem to come easier. And I'm sure he is in heaven, but you shouldn't be sorry for him having it tough, I'm just assuming based on what you told me about him but he didn't seem sorry for himself !

Also, reading you made me think about an episode from a show called Black Mirror, maybe you know about it. There's an episode called Hang the DJ which gives a look on questions such as "how long is it gonna last" etc.. I think it could help you. It really is a beautiful story by the way.

To sum it up, I have zero doubts you'll feel better and grow. Like I said before, you already have all the pieces, you just try a little too hard to watch them instead of seeing them.

And again, if you want to PM me or keep updating this post I'll keep my eyes peeled

Peace to you

Originally Posted by Tim here

Good, because there's wholeness in duality.



I know the feeling, just a silly "what if" and then you go on with your life... And sometimes "it is". Trust your intuition, and with time you'll stop questionning. I know, easy, right !



Well, about the clothes.. When people die, they sometimes leave a lot of mystery behind for us to ponder over. You should not worry, and just ask yourself with openness. Does it really matter ? I mean, there seems to be a connection there with you and the wedding dress. In the end, sure clothes are nice and all... But they don't make the people ! And as you said, traditions also have a play in this.

Also about secrets, actions have a habit of exposing them in plain sight. So maybe he knew ! Maybe you could try and tell his spirit, you know, if at some point you'd feel like it.



For the karma, only you can answer. But you have to be open to it, right now you wonder too much. I mean I totally understand, he mattered to you, so much more than that. And if he has a goose to pick you'll know eventually, or maybe you already know. Again, only you can tell now.

Also, I think it's pretty good to feel like a little girl, it's your inner child, with it's beautiful innocent look on things. No expectations, just happiness. Openness and growth. Once you get in touch with your inner child, and you manage to "cohabit", things seem to come easier. And I'm sure he is in heaven, but you shouldn't be sorry for him having it tough, I'm just assuming based on what you told me about him but he didn't seem sorry for himself !

Also, reading you made me think about an episode from a show called Black Mirror, maybe you know about it. There's an episode called Hang the DJ which gives a look on questions such as "how long is it gonna last" etc.. I think it could help you. It really is a beautiful story by the way.

To sum it up, I have zero doubts you'll feel better and grow. Like I said before, you already have all the pieces, you just try a little too hard to watch them instead of seeing them.

And again, if you want to PM me or keep updating this post I'll keep my eyes peeled

Peace to you

Thank you so much for all your good words, comforting :) funny really about you thinking there was something good about being like a little girl quality. i was young then and that was my first relationship. And he adapted to me real well, he was not at all much older but he did not have I guess my innocence, vulnerability. His friends found it funny he would chose someone like me. I dared to love. There were no previous scars on me.

Guess I have taken it bad when hearing he had thought that he was never as strong and and whole and confident as he felt like in our relationship but could be too because I was truthful, did not play game, was sensitive just as he was sensitive, but if I should take a bet on who was the most sensitive of us it is hard to say but by an inch I guess he would take the lead. But hiding it. But he couldn't fool me.

Guess I did not deal with any of this when we broke up so long ago. Couldn't deal with it. So now it's time I guess.

I check the program and I agree with you on that :)

I will try to meditate and see if he shows up for real on the other side so I can apologize. If I will totally fail at this which is a very good chance, e hum, I have to think of something else to mimic the procedure. Even though funeral is over and there is a grave I still feel I have to find another place, another way to do it. It just feels as if that is their place, his family, friends, his last love. Not someone like me who was out of it. Besides I'm happy now with the life I have now, with the love I am with now. But despite the pain I'm still happy I met him, my ex. I will treasure the good, make that count with those memories, and throw the other bad ones in the bin.

All the best wishes

Originally Posted by asearcher

I check the program and I agree with you on that :)

I will try to meditate and see if he shows up for real on the other side so I can apologize. If I will totally fail at this which is a very good chance, e hum, I have to think of something else to mimic the procedure. Even though funeral is over and there is a grave I still feel I have to find another place, another way to do it. It just feels as if that is their place, his family, friends, his last love. Not someone like me who was out of it. Besides I'm happy now with the life I have now, with the love I am with now. But despite the pain I'm still happy I met him, my ex. I will treasure the good, make that count with those memories, and throw the other bad ones in the bin.

All the best wishes

Yeah, I really wanna watch it now

Well one way you could achieve that would be to trust your inner child, the innocence that comes from that little girl. Also, if you accept that you can "fail" contacting him, you also accept that you might very well succeed too ! Maybe you need to find another place then, one that'll make you feel comfortable. That's heartwarming really, seeing the gratitude you have !