I need serious help. Very dangerous pattern. Please take time to read if you can!

[Belle]

Envy is debilitating. I see it in my life sneaking in here and there. It catches me unawares. And I wonder at it.

There is a beauty about envy. You see, it is an ego but an unhealed aspect of our ego and it is envy in its truest form that spurs us on to better ourselves, to become the very best we can be, to truly embrace ourselves and realise that we are wonderful creations.

But envy, unintegrated, will always point the finger at others who is some shape or form are perceived as better off.

I do advise counselling but if you catch yourself in an envious mode, see if you can talk to the envy as if it were a separate being and say that it has protected you and it's ok to be like that and perhaps it can work with you for your own benefit - it would feel happier that way? It takes time and gently gently does it. And good to get some help along the way.

You've taken a huge step forwards in revealing it as such and that's 9/10 of the battle.

[SoulSista]

Wow... Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read each of these replies and got further and further into them. I didn't expect so many people to respond let alone respond with praise and such deep care and understanding. You are truly beautiful, each and every one of you. Thankyou so much for my private messages too, I promise I will reply to all of this when I have assimilated and am not quite so emotionally charged. You're glorious, all of you. Truly, from the soul, THANKYOU.

[sapphyretwins]

Originally Posted by SoulSista

Wow... Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read each of these replies and got further and further into them. I didn't expect so many people to respond let alone respond with praise and such deep care and understanding. You are truly beautiful, each and every one of you. Thankyou so much for my private messages too, I promise I will reply to all of this when I have assimilated and am not quite so emotionally charged. You're glorious, all of you. Truly, from the soul, THANKYOU.

And THANK YOU too! For sharing and being open. It's such an inspiration to others.

Originally Posted by SoulSista

This is not an easy message for me to post... but I really feel things are coming to a boiling point and I'm in serious need of help. Not just 'talk it out' help (though that is also very welcome), deeply penetrative spiritual help. I figured the 'Healing' forum was a good place to start.

I'm incredibly embarrassed and feel very vulnerable revealing most of this. It is TRULY the darkest corner of my ego that takes a hold on me very frequently and I hide it from the whole word. I have told 2 people. My father and my ex of 3 years (during a period of breaking up).

I suffer from chronic, destructive, debilitating envy. I know it's common to feel a twinge of jealousy here and there... but this has taken over my life several times and become nothing short of obsession, if I'm brutal about it. The irony is in day to day life I'm very laid back and definitely not by nature a jealous person at all. But behind closed doors, this is my version of a razor to the skin. I do it to myself and dig myself deeper and deeper into the pit.

Every now and then I latch onto someone - the criteria being: female (like me), same age group as me (currently mid 20s) and in some way a perceived threat. This has been boyfriends' ex-partners, or girls I have perceived as possessing something I definitely don't, but want. Usually, this thing is beauty at the very least, although it began with a girl (when I was 16) who sung in a band, when I was desperately wanting to do the same. She also happened to be stunningly beautiful, at a time when my self-esteem was spiralling wildly downward and I was projecting most of this self-hatred on my body. Once I 'latch on', this girl becomes my 'subject' and the obsession ensues. So far each one has lasted at least 6 months, some as long as a year or 2. Through social media (let it be noted I've never actually met any of them) I will then spend a lot of time and a lot of effort essentially 'Facebook stalking' them. I will go to extreme lengths, such as creating false accounts to befriend them and their friendship group. The goal is clear: this person is now my measuring post of self-worth and I must find out absolutely everything I possibly can about them through the powers of internet. I will scroll through every photo that's ever been tagged of them, I will Google them tirelessly searching for any new tidbits of information. I want to compare myself in every way.

Let it be said right now that not once have I ever felt I wanted to interfere with these peoples lives or harm them. That is absolutely not what it's about. It's much more about a self-destructive tendency within myself. The behaviour becomes addictive and I will usually log into the false account at least once a day for a few minutes to 'check up', or as much as several times a day, or a late evening session that can turn into hours of analysing them, their 'life', often their bodies, and their personal relationships.

I currently have such a subject, a girl my current boyfriend spent the night with and slept with when we were first dating (but were already friends for years and emotionally involved). This particular subject hits harder than the others because from the moment I laid eyes on her one thing became glaringly obvious: we are practically doppelgängers. It is seriously bizarre. We both share a flower first name (Jasmine) and a double-barrelled second name comprised of 2 male names. We love the same music, dress the same, share political and social ideologies, but most strikingly we look like we could be sisters - twins even. I never see anyone who looks like me but it is uncanny. I've found this particularly challenging because not only has it really challenged my sense of unique identity (all ego, I know)... it's made all the comparison that little bit more bitter, when I see that she seems to be 'doing life' so much better than me. I absolutely envy her life in every way. She has many more friends, who are clearly very tight and extremely close, freespirited, supportive friends, at a time when I'm becoming more and more estranged from mine and have little in common with them anymore. Her mother and her clearly have a fantastic relationship, go travelling together etc, at a time when I cannot bare to be in the presence of my own. And her body (the main aspect of myself I've never accepted) is definitely also a source of my envy. She is younger yet so much more womanly. But more to the point: she looks so happy. SO, so, genuinely, carelessly happy. And hugely, hugely confident within herself. This I just cannot stomach. She is out of my boyfriends life and is absolutely no real/immediate threat at all, yet she is now somehow a huge part of mine.

This is all happening at a time when I'm going through a lot of spiritual awakenings (believe it or not!) and I really do know on a spiritual level that we are one in the same, part of something much bigger, that none of these details matter and it's all just ego and fear. But it's also getting destructive to the point where I've spent money on buying clothes I've seen her wear, started to base my appearance and lifestyle around wanting to be even more similar to her, essentially thinking if I can emulate her 'style' or aspects of her life, I will attain her happiness and great friends will flock to me as they have her. I know this not to be true on a logical level, yet on I go... logging in every day...

I'm seriously worried about this pattern and broke down 2 nights ago in complete despair over how ridiculously unhappy I am allowing the mere existence of another to make me feel. I feel I need serious help healing this and have absolutely no idea where to turn.

Retrain your mind......
"SuperMind by Vernon Howard"

It is a process , it will take time and much effort and persistence.

[Tobi]

Soul Sista, I admire your bravery about opening this right up and speaking out about how you are feeling. It mustn't have been easy to write.

It could be that professional Counselling will help you very much.

Blessings, and I hope you find a way through this in your own time, so that it ceases to upset your life and creativity.

Not sure if I'm doing the right thing but let me share an experience in return. My boyfriend was extremely envious. Down to the point where I stopped seeing all of my friends and pretty much lost 3 years of my life just to appease him. His envy and mood swings had been outright abusive and controlling... Don't let it get to that.

I however used to have a similar issue, I could not stand these girls getting in the way, being so much more popular, and happier than myself. I started to resent and categorise, judge these people before knowing them. Then I found myself, and realised it was all down to my poor self esteem, not realizing my worth.

Take time to pinpoint all your positive aspects, and remember you're just as important as the next person. A good friend of mine told me that envy shoots out of your eyes like arrows and can make the person on the receiving end very ill indeed. Remember, you're so much better than that!

You carry unnecessary burdens and expect too much of yourself. It seems like you demand perfection.

Your envy is not the problem, your envy is more like a symptom of the real underlying problem. You are even taking the problem itself too seriously, speaking like it is the end of the world, or could be. The destructive behaviour is a result of this over-reaction. The destructive behaviour does not stem from your envy. Envy is a natural emotion. Your problem is you demand perfection and you believe you should be perfect.

You aren't in need of spiritual healing, you need to view things from a different perspective and drop the woe-is-me, self-destruction charade. You won't change until you realize you don't have an illness, like you describe it.

"I suffer from chronic, destructive, debilitating envy."

Kinda blowing things out of proportion. Envy isn't a sickness, it's a way of feeling. Don't let your feelings control you. Be in control, or else one day you really will be in need of healing... And you'll realize how silly this is.

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by SoulSista

This is not an easy message for me to post... but I really feel things are coming to a boiling point and I'm in serious need of help. Not just 'talk it out' help (though that is also very welcome), deeply penetrative spiritual help. I figured the 'Healing' forum was a good place to start.

I'm incredibly embarrassed and feel very vulnerable revealing most of this. It is TRULY the darkest corner of my ego that takes a hold on me very frequently and I hide it from the whole word. I have told 2 people. My father and my ex of 3 years (during a period of breaking up).

I suffer from chronic, destructive, debilitating envy. I know it's common to feel a twinge of jealousy here and there... but this has taken over my life several times and become nothing short of obsession, if I'm brutal about it. The irony is in day to day life I'm very laid back and definitely not by nature a jealous person at all. But behind closed doors, this is my version of a razor to the skin. I do it to myself and dig myself deeper and deeper into the pit.

Every now and then I latch onto someone - the criteria being: female (like me), same age group as me (currently mid 20s) and in some way a perceived threat. This has been boyfriends' ex-partners, or girls I have perceived as possessing something I definitely don't, but want. Usually, this thing is beauty at the very least, although it began with a girl (when I was 16) who sung in a band, when I was desperately wanting to do the same. She also happened to be stunningly beautiful, at a time when my self-esteem was spiralling wildly downward and I was projecting most of this self-hatred on my body. Once I 'latch on', this girl becomes my 'subject' and the obsession ensues. So far each one has lasted at least 6 months, some as long as a year or 2. Through social media (let it be noted I've never actually met any of them) I will then spend a lot of time and a lot of effort essentially 'Facebook stalking' them. I will go to extreme lengths, such as creating false accounts to befriend them and their friendship group. The goal is clear: this person is now my measuring post of self-worth and I must find out absolutely everything I possibly can about them through the powers of internet. I will scroll through every photo that's ever been tagged of them, I will Google them tirelessly searching for any new tidbits of information. I want to compare myself in every way.

Let it be said right now that not once have I ever felt I wanted to interfere with these peoples lives or harm them. That is absolutely not what it's about. It's much more about a self-destructive tendency within myself. The behaviour becomes addictive and I will usually log into the false account at least once a day for a few minutes to 'check up', or as much as several times a day, or a late evening session that can turn into hours of analysing them, their 'life', often their bodies, and their personal relationships.

I currently have such a subject, a girl my current boyfriend spent the night with and slept with when we were first dating (but were already friends for years and emotionally involved). This particular subject hits harder than the others because from the moment I laid eyes on her one thing became glaringly obvious: we are practically doppelgängers. It is seriously bizarre. We both share a flower first name (Jasmine) and a double-barrelled second name comprised of 2 male names. We love the same music, dress the same, share political and social ideologies, but most strikingly we look like we could be sisters - twins even. I never see anyone who looks like me but it is uncanny. I've found this particularly challenging because not only has it really challenged my sense of unique identity (all ego, I know)... it's made all the comparison that little bit more bitter, when I see that she seems to be 'doing life' so much better than me. I absolutely envy her life in every way. She has many more friends, who are clearly very tight and extremely close, freespirited, supportive friends, at a time when I'm becoming more and more estranged from mine and have little in common with them anymore. Her mother and her clearly have a fantastic relationship, go travelling together etc, at a time when I cannot bare to be in the presence of my own. And her body (the main aspect of myself I've never accepted) is definitely also a source of my envy. She is younger yet so much more womanly. But more to the point: she looks so happy. SO, so, genuinely, carelessly happy. And hugely, hugely confident within herself. This I just cannot stomach. She is out of my boyfriends life and is absolutely no real/immediate threat at all, yet she is now somehow a huge part of mine.

This is all happening at a time when I'm going through a lot of spiritual awakenings (believe it or not!) and I really do know on a spiritual level that we are one in the same, part of something much bigger, that none of these details matter and it's all just ego and fear. But it's also getting destructive to the point where I've spent money on buying clothes I've seen her wear, started to base my appearance and lifestyle around wanting to be even more similar to her, essentially thinking if I can emulate her 'style' or aspects of her life, I will attain her happiness and great friends will flock to me as they have her. I know this not to be true on a logical level, yet on I go... logging in every day...

I'm seriously worried about this pattern and broke down 2 nights ago in complete despair over how ridiculously unhappy I am allowing the mere existence of another to make me feel. I feel I need serious help healing this and have absolutely no idea where to turn.

SoulSista,

Knowing what is wrong is diagnosis.

Knowing...then, doing what is right is healing.

How ?

When I read your post, I wondered how to help. Then I found it (see reference). Allow me to provide an illustrative excerpt:

"When you recognize that whatever occurs within your physical life is the unfoldmentof those ideas then you will see them work for you rather than against you! Because you will be willing to accept whatever occurs as the unfoldment of those ideas and not something off-track! You cannot be off-track until you create the idea in your reality that you are off-track! and then that is what you see! because that is what you are creating! It is still flawless creation! You are creating the idea that you are out of control and that is what you get! Therefore you are still in control!"

Understand that you are still, and always in control of the ideas that are manifested as your Life....flawlessly.

Know, then do...

Hope this, and the remainder of this excellent source of assistance, helps....

Reference: http://www.scribd.com/doc/189227082/...mplete-Reality Click on "full view"

[Michelle11]

Originally Posted by Phantasmic Fox

You carry unnecessary burdens and expect too much of yourself. It seems like you demand perfection.

Your envy is not the problem, your envy is more like a symptom of the real underlying problem. You are even taking the problem itself too seriously, speaking like it is the end of the world, or could be. The destructive behaviour is a result of this over-reaction. The destructive behaviour does not stem from your envy. Envy is a natural emotion. Your problem is you demand perfection and you believe you should be perfect.

You aren't in need of spiritual healing, you need to view things from a different perspective and drop the woe-is-me, self-destruction charade. You won't change until you realize you don't have an illness, like you describe it.

"I suffer from chronic, destructive, debilitating envy."

Kinda blowing things out of proportion. Envy isn't a sickness, it's a way of feeling. Don't let your feelings control you. Be in control, or else one day you really will be in need of healing... And you'll realize how silly this is.

I agree with most of what you have said, a great way to try to become objective about things but I hesitate to label anything as silly. All of us are blind to ourselves. We are here to wake up and grow past human difficulties but we are essentially innocent until we see. But what seems easy for one to overcome may not be so easy for another so unless we have walked in someone's shoes it is difficult to say anything is truly silly. It usually isn't to the person going through the difficulty.