This...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by naturesflow
Sometimes boundaries are part of unconditional loving presence, as is tough love as is emptiness and loving presence when you arrive there to be able to hold that space, no matter what moves around you.
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Agreed full stop!
Peacelily - hello there!
First, IMO...you need space to breath long enough to calm yourself. It's much, much more difficult to find a space to breath and forgive whilst you're still taking regular floggings. Possible, but much more difficult. I recommend you make it easier on yourself to heal by starting right now to limit the bleeding. Mainly this means removal and containment.
This means setting boundaries and breaking the cycle or pattern of behaviour. It means up and leaving the situation whenever they get nasty and that you avoid lingering round them whilst they get their gun off. And yes, limiting contact as needed, at least initially, until you re-establish a healthier pattern of behaviour with them, one which doesn't involve them using you for target practice.
IMO attacking your kids and your beliefs is abusive, among other things, and IMO it's healthy and right to authentically love yourself equally to others. Not less than others. Unless there is a gun to your head, you don't have to take abuse. You can set your boundaries, withdraw from the situation, and send them love and blessings from a safe place, a place of your choosing.
The key to avoiding either guilt or recrimination (or to minimising it) is to have a plan, and follow it to the letter every time. Something like this: excuse yourself, go to the restroom or otherwise step away, take a few minutes to collect yourself...wait till you're sure you can manage your tongue...or till the tears have dried, whichever. And then excuse yourself for the day by saying you're not feeling well and you have to leave, but that it's been lovely and thanks for everything. And then GO. Immediately, LOL. Repeat as often as needed, wherever and whenever. Minimise extra visits if they are not consistently respectful and courteous toward you.
And don't apologise for needing to leave because you're not feeling well -- you're allowed to be human and they have no right to question you...it is an absolutely acceptable white lie. I taught this simple approach to my ex and he was able to repair his relationship with his folks after taking a lifetime of abuse from them. It works. And yes, he had to use it repeatedly as they would insult him and provoke him repeatedly to the breaking point and then point the finger at him for being the "bad son" when he blew up and got angry.
When you have made this sort of approach a way of being, no one can provoke you or manipulate you emotionally on their terms. And you will have come a long way toward equanimity and yes, even some degree simple detachment, in this very raw situation. Your will and even your nerves will eventually be forged in steel. Your emotions will still register as truth in need of acceptance and healing. But they will not lead to impulsive words or deeds (most of the time, hahaha...and that is still a tremendous help to those who've taken years of abuse and unkindness).
It comes down to this. As you learn to better love yourself, and as you extend (not only forgiveness in the repeated chances to engage, but also) love, kindness, and courtesy toward others, you will over time detach from them much more unless they are willing and able to treat you with the love, kindness and courtesy that you also deserve. It doesn't mean you don't still love them very dearly. It simply means you cannot be as close or engage as deeply with those who limit their engagement with you to one of abuse, disrespect, and/or unkindness. Simple as that.
Once you've space to breath and heal, then all things are possible
At the very least, you'll have your dignity and you'll have established what you will and won't tolerate. They can either meet you in a space of courtesy and respect, or not. But either way, you will have defined what is and isn't loving for you (and pretty obviously, it applies to 99.99999999% of the rest of us, as well...)
Good luck and many blessings to you
And much love & light
7L
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