Self-sabotaging and self-punishment

[Sarian]

I recall times as a child I punished myself, mostly when I say that, I mean I denied myself anything good. I was ridiculed on a daily basis by certain people to try and mold me to their desire and when I failed or was obstinate, I never heard the end of it, and on top of that humiliation was used. So I do know I would deny myself anything nice or pleasurable, fun, good food, as a kid teen. I hated it. I would feel uptight and go secretly cry. I didn't know what to do with the pain I felt.

Apparently, now I'm getting all upset again, but I often wondered why when things were going so well, then they weren't. I could not figure out why. I don't know if triggers set them off, other people and things going on in my life, or subconsciously I do this to myself. I want it to stop.

But all that said, I also realize I will take other people's blame. They could do something, but to keep the peace and/or bring about peace, I will take the blame.

I wholeheartedly hear you on the jinxing.

Sarian - I hope you find ways of combating this. Xan expresses how this can be tackled in her post (#2);

You saying you denied yourself pleasure reminded me of exactly this ....I wrote about it in a short story here. It describes how I turned it around. It was a major turning point for me - previously I had a fatalistic mindset and I learnt how to embrace and apply freewill. (I've never looked back and have had an established positive mindset now for over 30 years).

Should you want to read this story (principally about unrequited love and depression but it hinges on the denying pleasure aspect), it's in the short stories section here, page 2 called "A Leap Of Faith".

[Sarian]

Thanks Amy, I'll check it out. I'm feeling pretty miserable. Ugh. :-(

[Xan]

My own negative pattern wasn't so much self-sabotage as self-criticism and judgment. I didn't give myself an inch without feeling wrong in one way or another.

But the core of it is the same... lack of self-acceptance and self-love, and a low sense one's own worth and value.

It took a long time for me to work my way out of that, but these days there are much more effective methods.


Xan

[Sarian]

I just want to stop it. I'm not even aware until it's too late. Then I go into a self-hate binge, like now...but all that said, I'm also struggling with the fact that I also take the blame from others...it's just as bad. I'm such an a ss.

[Xan]

To stop a self-hate binge you need an alternative to shift into.

It might be stopping and breathing and choosing to accept it all
or stopping and just letting go in the moment
or stopping then saying "I love myself anyway" and letting yourself feel it
or turning your attention into the real You, underneath all that
or some other new way of being with yourself in your mind and heart.

Self hatred is a tough one, and it's more wide spread than most people think.

Here's a short video you may find helpful, Sarian... Gangaji "Self Hatred" - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpwfIE1ilio


Xan

[blackraven]

Originally Posted by Sarian

Do you believe one can do these things without even realizing it, due to conditioning? How do you stop?

Sarian – I do believe people can do things without realizing it. Every major success I’ve had in life, I’ve sabotaged it by not consciously processing the consequences of bad decision making. I don’t know if I was conditioned or not, but I wasn’t really parented growing up. My mother was an absent troubled alcoholic who snuck out to bars while my Dad worked three jobs. Neither of them was around much so I was the pseudo-parent for my younger sisters. It was really a free-for-all household where you just figured things out on your own and didn’t ask questions. Anytime I ever enjoyed anything good in my youth, my mom found a way to own it herself or tarnish it. I started to expect life to turn out “not nice” and so when things were going smooth when I was an adult I always managed to mess up. It’s almost like a bad impulse or a tick that comes on automatically. Then I look back with guilt and say, “Why did I do that? There I went again? How am I going to clean that up? I have gained more control of this self-sabotaging over time by becoming a recluse for the most part and meditating frequently. I only recommend the later. I would say introspection, self-acceptance and reconditioning are the key.

Blackraven

It may take time, persistence and dedication but I believe that a subconscious process (e.g. sabotage) can gradually be made aware of by being more mindful/watchful of what we feel and how we react. Having the keen desire/motivation to change is key and makes this changeover (from subconscious to conscious) more possible.

[Sarian]

Thank you all for advice. I've been thinking more and more on this. It's when I don't realize what I'm doing is when it's more problematic, but that said, if I do, the self-hate is so strong.

I try to pull apart what exactly do I hate about myself, because over the last decade I've come to realize I really do like who I am. That is great in itself.

I told a friend of mine here that one thing I realized (or again have gotten conditioned to), was that happy doesn't last, and anytime things are going well for me, I think I stop breathing almost. Fear, if not panic sets in because right after the happy is something bad. I think as well, along with the sabotaging and maybe this is me again sabotaging and bringing it on myself, is that fear or my thoughts that happy doesn't last, things going right doesn't last...

Know what I mean?

Sarian - I kind of get what you're saying here. Basically you don't trust the good feeling to last. I have a positive mindset which is just as well since my current life predicament is pretty grim (am a full-time carer for my mother). So happy times are few and far between; my usual, on-going state is quite neutral, i.e. not charged either way. Maybe we perceive the "something bad" category differently. I know life will chuck obstacles (which I perceive as tests/lessons) constantly my way and I try to give every one my best shot ... not saying I am always gracious!!

The feeling I get from your post above is that, yeah you'll be happy but the tough times are what you seem to be more familiar with, i.e. it feels like you anticipate them and then, when they come, maybe you get in confirmation mode and feel this is your lot (the fatalistic mindset I speak of in that story I mentioned).

Unfortunate events will occur but, how much we make of them, is directly within our grasp/choice. Will we buy into the upheaval, i.e. make a meal of it or refuse to be flustered and deal with it as best we can? I have had an anti-social neighbour who has harassed me constantly for 8 years (trashing my garden, trespassing, vandalising). Totally unprovoked (unless you count reporting her). I don't have a victim's mentality so she can't oppress me. Oppression requires our permission. I am a survivor. I hope you are too Sarian and that you learn new/better coping mechanisms.

Feel free to PM me if you think I can help you further with this.