Why am I still single?

[sunshine]

Hey everyone,

This post has probably been written a million times before mine and you might not want to necessarily write a reply or even read it, but I just need to get it off my chest and out of my system (I kind of felt the urge to do so right now).

Long story short, I'm approaching my 30th birthday in a few months and I am single. I have been actively dating mostly in my early 20s, and have met many people (men) then. Oh, btw, I'm a girl :) I was enjoying all the opportunities to date and was a lot more outgoing, but none of the people I met were a prospect and every interest quickly faded from one side or the other. Later in my 20s I was finishing my degree and became more focused on jobs and career and less on dating, because those were the things that produced results (whereas dating was just "much a do about nothing" and oftentimes left me dissapointed).

In my 26th life year I met a great guy, fell crazy in love, but somehow the chemistry disappeared on both ends and we "broke up" shortly after. This was the only time I felt really madly and deeply in love and had hope for something lasting. Anyways, I took my time to "mourn" the relationship and resolve all feelings afterwards, and I can say I'm over it now. In the mourning stage my view on relationships hardened and I started to close myself off from the opposite sex. As that was not a healthy position to be in, I deliberately went online to date, and met someone great and we dated, but the feelings were more that of a good friend than of a potential life partner (again, the realisation was mutual).

The thing that bothers me in my situation is that I felt ready for a serious long time partner quite some time ago. Since I've been mostly single in my life, I had time to pursue my hobbies, my education, my friendships... I also travelled alone, I went through my university alone (i.e. without a partner), found a job by myself and proved myself over and over again that I can take care of myself by myself (also emotionally). But this was never my goal. I never intended to be the odd one out. If it was up to me, I would have already been married and with children :)

The thing that I cannot grasp is why... I am ready. I am ready. I am ready. I don't know what more must I prove. I worked on myself, I grew, I maintained and nurtured relationship with family, relatives and friends...I gained new friends through work and hobbies. I tried. I am a giver and an honest person. In all my potential love relationship I gave my all, went in with an open mind and heart. It never worked out. And I'm okay with that. It was for the best. I learned and grew and now I feel more ready than ever to finally meet a special someone for me.

Is there anything more I can do? Not in the physical sense but in the spiritual sense. I'm creating space for someone to enter my life and I want to be on the right level for that. I really feel readier than ever, not even pessimistic, actually I'm full of hope and anticipation. I just want to make it happen sonner.

Do you have any tips on that? Should I visualise more? Pray? Work on myself more? Love myself more? Or just go with the flow and live life without paying attention to my relationship status? Is there even a right way?

Everyone has their own point of view and different life experiences and I would appreciate any output whatsover :)

Thank you for reading.

*English is my second language ;)

-sunshine

[linen53]

Well best to wait until the right one comes along rather to jump ship on the wrong one. So it's best you ended the two relationships you had that didn't feel right.

Let me tell you I've been married 3 times. Breakups and especially divorce is extremely heartbreaking especially if children are involved.

Shine your light! Your individual light. Someone out there will discover you when and if it's your time and you will understand why all the wait had to occur.

I am married to my third husband now and he is the light of my world. But I had stopped looking before he came into my life. He just kind of fell into my lap one day. Or should I say we fell into each others (figuratively speaking of course). We had known each other on a social basis for 4 years and never felt an attraction to one another until just 'one day.'

20 something years later we are still happily married.

[Tuesday]

Hello sunshine
Most People Who have found the one (the right thing, not just someone but actually the one they want To spend their whole life with and Who bring them endless joy every day of the year) say, that they found them after they gave up the search.

I'm like you, thirty and single and feeling i am ready for a serious relationship. I cant see one reason, why i dont have it. It is very strange and the only thing i Can think of is that i'm Still searching
Why is finding love this way, you ask
I have no idea. Its strange but all the People i've interviewed (haha) have said the same thing so Who am i To question it.

Another reason that Applies To me is that i have someone In my past that i havent let go of yet. I'm Still quesyioning 'what if' even though counsciosly i would like to let them go already. Is there someone In your past that you havent let go of?

Anyways. Happy searching.

[sunshine]

Hello,

Thank you @Linen53 and @Tuesday for taking the time to read my post and to write your sincere answers.

To @Linen53 : thank you for sharing your story. Maybe I'm just impatient and should really just let it go. As you wrote, it happened unintentionally and spontaneously to you, and congrats for a lasting happy marriage :) I hope years from now I will be able to write this sort of answer to someone with my current situation hihi. I hope :) Thank you.

To @Tuesday: I feel you lol. For me - I worked intentionally to let go of the emotional "baggage" if you will and yes, I did think long and hard about that person that truly touched my heart. But I came to the conclusion that it was just a spark in a moment and that it really wasn't meant to last. I think anything else would be forcing something that isn't there (anymore). I stopped wondering and thinking about him and am sure he is doing well without me, is maybe even already married or with children. So yeah, I think I did clear the way there, and that I'm not looking back instead of ahead.

[linen53]

sunshine. I don't think you are being impatient. I think you are just excited to start on a new journey in a different direction. Be kind to yourself.

Accept all things and move forward accordingly.

[FairyCrystal]

Hmm... we often say / think we're ready, but in a way if you'd truly be ready you wouldn't be alone. That doesn't necessarily mean you need to get over an ex still. It can also be the way you go about it, the energy you exude.
The one thing that stands out to me in your post is "I gave it my all" and that you are a giver and a pleaser. That is usually the exact thing that kills chemistry and attraction and in the end love.
So maybe that's something you still have to look into.
Watch some Matthew Hussey, he's got plenty of free vids on YouTube and on his own channel too I believe. Maybe you will suddenly feel like, dang!! That's it!
I also recommend Nicole Moore, her vids on YouTube are excellent, search through her "Flirty Friday" vids. She also sometime does free workshops. Sign up for her newsletter so you get word of those. She is great and can hit the nail when it comes to questions as yours.

I too am looking for love, I too feel I am ready, but at the same time I know I'm not, hihi. In order to find love you have to consistently put yourself out there, not just literally, also figuratively with your energy. That's where I fall short. Something about me cannot be bothered. In a way I am not over what happened with my last ex. I am over HIM, but not entirely healed from what happened.
Problem I have is that I have put up with not being Nr 1 for a guy. I thought with the last one it was okay, but I knew I wasn't and that I was again neglecting that fact as I didn't dare say "Please leave!" cos that would've meant losing the great stuff we had.
This is a pattern. Even with my ex husband, who was nuts about me, I didn't feel I was the one he'd dreamt of all his life because I was told about the one before me who was so great looking and so on. Not sure if he told me that or other people.
So I know I am over my ex as a person, but I have not entirely healed this pattern -and the side-effects of it- yet.
Not sure if you have looked at things that way. You can be over someone, but still have an old pattern or program running in the background.
I don't want to hurt you, but somehow something is still off otherwise you wouldn't be single...

[sunshine]

Thank you, @Linen53:) As @Tuesday mentioned if I'm holding on to something, it got me thinking... I am still friends with the guy I met online. We talk on a regular basis and meet occasionally for a drink. We had a period after the breakup where we didn't talk at all, but we reconnected again as friends. We are both still single and I think it is defined clearly that we are only friends (we also don't cross any lines).

Is this a bad thing? One friend of mine says it is not okay to remain friends with exes. I think it's hard to find a kindred spirit, someone you are always open with, can have a laugh and get support when in need. I don't consider this relationship as something that hinders me from going forward. It is a friendship and I believe also that he sees it a such too (without having an ulterior motive). Why I broke it off was because I didn't fall in love and there was always something missing, emotionally (I was upfront with him about it too). I always enjoyed his company, as I still do, but didn't feel enough emotion to keep going, especially knowing of how much I could actually feel with the "right" person. I actually felt drained because I felt like I was lying to myself and everyone around me, including him, so I broke it off. He accepted it, he wasn't in love with me either, but could also continue dating since everything else was fine. I never hid any emotion from him, I let him know about my doubts and eventually I just couldn't bare dealing with my bad mood anymore (and he probably got fed up too lol). But as friends, we function well, and personally I don't see a problem with just being friends to one another.

Is it bad? Sooner or later I know one or both will meet someone new and probably stop talking (which is a pity). But right now I feel like it "doesn't cost me" to be friends and I don't see a problem in it. However, one of my friends frowns upon it and advises me to cut all ties (which I see no point doing).

Maybe I'm in the wrong. Any thoughts on that? :)

[sunshine]

Thank you, @Linen53:) As @Tuesday mentioned if I'm holding on to something, it got me thinking... I am still friends with the guy I met online. We talk on a regular basis and meet occasionally for a drink. We had a period after the breakup where we didn't talk at all, but we reconnected again as friends. We are both still single and I think it is defined clearly that we are only friends (we also don't cross any lines).

Is this a bad thing? One friend of mine says it is not okay to remain friends with exes. I think it's hard to find a kindred spirit, someone you are always open with, can have a laugh and get support when in need. I don't consider this relationship as something that hinders me from going forward. It is a friendship and I believe also that he sees it a such too (without having an ulterior motive). Why I broke it off was because I didn't fall in love and there was always something missing, emotionally (I was upfront with him about it too). I always enjoyed his company, as I still do, but didn't feel enough emotion to keep going, especially knowing of how much I could actually feel with the "right" person. I actually felt drained because I felt like I was lying to myself and everyone around me, including him, so I broke it off. He accepted it, he wasn't in love with me either, but could also continue dating since everything else was fine. I never hid any emotion from him, I let him know about my doubts and eventually I just couldn't bare dealing with my bad mood anymore (and he probably got fed up too lol). But as friends, we function well, and personally I don't see a problem with just being friends to one another.

Is it bad? Sooner or later I know one or both will meet someone new and probably stop talking (which is a pity). But right now I feel like it "doesn't cost me" to be friends and I don't see a problem in it. However, one of my friends frowns upon it and advises me to cut all ties (which I see no point doing).

Maybe I'm in the wrong. Any thoughts on that? :)

[sunshine]

Thank you, @Linen53:) As @Tuesday mentioned if I'm holding on to something, it got me thinking... I am still friends with the guy I met online. We talk on a regular basis and meet occasionally for a drink. We had a period after the breakup where we didn't talk at all, but we reconnected again as friends. We are both still single and I think it is defined clearly that we are only friends (we also don't cross any lines).

Is this a bad thing? One friend of mine says it is not okay to remain friends with exes. I think it's hard to find a kindred spirit, someone you are always open with, can have a laugh and get support when in need. I don't consider this relationship as something that hinders me from going forward. It is a friendship and I believe also that he sees it a such too (without having an ulterior motive). Why I broke it off was because I didn't fall in love and there was always something missing, emotionally (I was upfront with him about it too). I always enjoyed his company, as I still do, but didn't feel enough emotion to keep going, especially knowing of how much I could actually feel with the "right" person. I actually felt drained because I felt like I was lying to myself and everyone around me, including him, so I broke it off. He accepted it, he wasn't in love with me either, but could also continue dating since everything else was fine. I never hid any emotion from him, I let him know about my doubts and eventually I just couldn't bare dealing with my bad mood anymore (and he probably got fed up too lol). But as friends, we function well, and personally I don't see a problem with just being friends to one another.

Is it bad? Sooner or later I know one or both will meet someone new and probably stop talking (which is a pity). But right now I feel like it "doesn't cost me" to be friends and I don't see a problem in it. However, one of my friends frowns upon it and advises me to cut all ties (which I see no point doing).

Maybe I'm in the wrong. Any thoughts on that? :)

[linen53]

Originally Posted by sunshine

Thank you, @Linen53:) As @Tuesday mentioned if I'm holding on to something, it got me thinking... I am still friends with the guy I met online. We talk on a regular basis and meet occasionally for a drink. We had a period after the breakup where we didn't talk at all, but we reconnected again as friends. We are both still single and I think it is defined clearly that we are only friends (we also don't cross any lines).

Is this a bad thing? One friend of mine says it is not okay to remain friends with exes. I think it's hard to find a kindred spirit, someone you are always open with, can have a laugh and get support when in need. I don't consider this relationship as something that hinders me from going forward. It is a friendship and I believe also that he sees it a such too (without having an ulterior motive). Why I broke it off was because I didn't fall in love and there was always something missing, emotionally (I was upfront with him about it too). I always enjoyed his company, as I still do, but didn't feel enough emotion to keep going, especially knowing of how much I could actually feel with the "right" person. I actually felt drained because I felt like I was lying to myself and everyone around me, including him, so I broke it off. He accepted it, he wasn't in love with me either, but could also continue dating since everything else was fine. I never hid any emotion from him, I let him know about my doubts and eventually I just couldn't bare dealing with my bad mood anymore (and he probably got fed up too lol). But as friends, we function well, and personally I don't see a problem with just being friends to one another.

Is it bad? Sooner or later I know one or both will meet someone new and probably stop talking (which is a pity). But right now I feel like it "doesn't cost me" to be friends and I don't see a problem in it. However, one of my friends frowns upon it and advises me to cut all ties (which I see no point doing).

Maybe I'm in the wrong. Any thoughts on that? :)

Some of my best friends are former lovers. Listen to your heart rather than your friend. Having an intimate relationship that failed as such opens you to true friendship later down the line because you have paved the lane between you with honesty. However said friendship lasts, just enjoy it.

Having said that, your friend who councils against such ties is short sighted and themselves could not trust enough to open to honest friendship after an intimate breakup. Not that that is a bad thing. It's just where they are in their development.

That said, I remember Antos in my life when I was younger. He was my best friend. I was his lover. It never worked out because I was not physically attracted to him and couldn't love him as a true partner. That feeling of being drained you shared was exactly how I felt.