Spiritual Forums

Home


Donate!


Articles


CHAT!


Shop


 
Welcome to Spiritual Forums!.

We created this community for people from all backgrounds to discuss Spiritual, Paranormal, Metaphysical, Philosophical, Supernatural, and Esoteric subjects. From Astral Projection to Zen, all topics are welcome. We hope you enjoy your visits.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest, which gives you limited access to most discussions and articles. By joining our free community you will be able to post messages, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload your own photos, and gain access to our Chat Rooms, Registration is fast, simple, and free, so please, join our community today! !

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, check our FAQs before contacting support. Please read our forum rules, since they are enforced by our volunteer staff. This will help you avoid any infractions and issues.

Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Spiritual Development

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-11-2017, 08:19 PM
shivatar shivatar is offline
Master
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 1,933
  shivatar's Avatar
my stomach hurts, mood is terrible, brain is foggy

I'm afraid that the reason behind all these things is the childhood trauma I experienced. If it were something else I could possibly change it, like if it were caused by the last few years of drinking and drugs, maybe then I could reverse the damage somehow. But the childhood trauma I faced? From what I hear it's a death sentence. People in my position are essentially crippled for the rest of their life, subject to chronic illness and general misery.

I'm afraid my trauma has caused my brain to essentially fizzle out and die on me. The nature of my trauma is unbearable. Constant for basically my whole childhood. I learned to survive by shutting down who I really am. Now that I am grown I feel like a shadow of who I am, I'm caught in the same coping mechanisms that I used as a child and I can't get out of them no matter how much I realize I'm doing it and try to change it.

I don't feel an urge to live for myself, to choose my own life.
I can't even muster the energy to avoid future pain. I'm so resigned that I can't even act when the reaper is staring me in the face. I feel like I gave up once before and now I am condemned to always be giving up as soon as the road becomes difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a quitter. When push comes to shove my resolve dissolves and I crumble.

I'm taking some probiotics now, eating relatively healthy foods (salads and fruits at least half the week, junk/regular food the rest (it used to be 99% junk lol)). I take some supplements for brain health and to get good sleep, GABA, rhidiola, ginko, 5-htp, trypotphan, valerian, etc. I have a wizard cabinent of magical herbs, including the ganja which is probably the one herb I should let go. To be honest, I got the health herbs to alleviate the ganja related brain symptoms. I smoke ganja to help me deal with the pain of the trauma.

I want to quit drugs, but there is an infinite amount of pain waiting for me once I get sober. The only way I have learned to live is by totally avoiding my mind, trauma, and identity.

I just want to have a normal life. To be able to have a good platform of emotions and physical feelings to work with. To be able to see my desires and go achieve them. To be able to receive happiness and love without automatically shutting down.

Right now I am struggling just to survive. Each day I wake up in horrible mental pain. When I go about my business I am not there, it's just a shell that has learned what needs to be done in order to see another day. I don't smile anymore, I don't feel excited either. I barely feel anger. I haven't felt stress in god knows how long. I feel almost nothing, I feel like a ghost.



Is this really just a phase of development that everybody goes through? The childhood trauma has been untreated for decades, and modern psychology basically says my brain is fried because of that. Based off what I am experiencing now, splits in consciousness, attention, memory, etc, seems to be a clear sign saying "your brain is fried buddy!".

I'm in hell right now and I feel like this is the new normal for my life. I'm learning to be a husk of a human who can survive in hell... I don't want to do that. I want to be something else but I fear I don't have the strength to withstand any more pain. If I'm a husk I can avoid the bad but I miss the good too. If I let in the good and feel the bad, I'm afraid I will truly give up next time things get bad. I'm paralyzed in a place of great pain and I don't know what to do.
__________________
I log once every couple of months, sometimes a couple times a week.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-11-2017, 08:46 PM
rebeccawisdom rebeccawisdom is offline
Pathfinder
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 63
 
Awareness creates change, realise how strong you are for being able to admit all this. childhood trauma is difficult to face but that's why you aren't supposed to deal with it all at once. look at the trauma as being a big ball of elastic bands, when you deal with each trigger one at a time, the elastic bands will decrease. pain and sadness aren't shameful, they are normal parts of the human experience, go into the pain fully, feel it, understand it and it will clear.

For this process, I strongly recommend doing transcendental meditation everyday! I do it everyday, basically when you allow yourself to transcend thought in the meditative state, you are immersed in a feeling of bliss...because I do this I don't need drugs.

p.s smoking cannabis is very ungrounding, I realised that after I gave it up completely
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-11-2017, 08:52 PM
Chrysalis Chrysalis is offline
Master
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,020
  Chrysalis's Avatar
Your brain isn't fried. There's new research called the plastic brain which may be worth a bit of reading.
__________________
"The Children of God were moulded by the Hand of God which is called Awen..."
The Kolbrin Bible, chapter 5, vs 1

"But ask now the beasts, and they shall teach thee; and the fowls of the air, and they shall tell thee:

Or speak to the earth, and it shall teach thee: and the fishes of the sea shall declare unto thee."
Job 12: 7 and 8 (KJV)
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-11-2017, 12:41 PM
EndoftheRoad EndoftheRoad is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 453
  EndoftheRoad's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrysalis
Your brain isn't fried. There's new research called the plastic brain which may be worth a bit of reading.
Chrysalis is correct, neuroplasticity is the hot term. We can rewire the brain, that becomes abundantly clear with each advance in technology. Staying with the theme of an abusive childhood will only keep your mind there.

From what i see Shivatar, you're far more advanced than you realize. Face the inner demons but let them be what they are now, a story. You know what you are from a pure awareness level, try to reach the inner child from there. Work with it.

I've probably gone a little to far into the Psychology meets Spirituality realm after awakening, but it's how I was wired to see things. If you want any resources, feel free to reach out to me in a PM.

From a regiment standpoint, a flush of the system with apple cider like Shivani Devi has worked well for me. Having met someone who was becoming a Ayurveda yogi, they gave me a pretty simple breakdown and were not just woo woo about it. It's been around for a few years. Find a practitioner when the time is right.
__________________
“Once you realize that the road is the goal and that you are always on the road, not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom, life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy.”
― Nisargadatta Maharaj
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-11-2017, 11:09 PM
shivatar shivatar is offline
Master
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 1,933
  shivatar's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by rebeccawisdom
Awareness creates change, realise how strong you are for being able to admit all this. childhood trauma is difficult to face but that's why you aren't supposed to deal with it all at once. look at the trauma as being a big ball of elastic bands, when you deal with each trigger one at a time, the elastic bands will decrease. pain and sadness aren't shameful, they are normal parts of the human experience, go into the pain fully, feel it, understand it and it will clear.

For this process, I strongly recommend doing transcendental meditation everyday! I do it everyday, basically when you allow yourself to transcend thought in the meditative state, you are immersed in a feeling of bliss...because I do this I don't need drugs.

p.s smoking cannabis is very ungrounding, I realised that after I gave it up completely

It's funny that smoking it has the feeling of being very grounded. I guess it stops being so grounding when its abused, and I abuse it.

How is transcendental meditation done and how would I know if I am achieving it?
__________________
I log once every couple of months, sometimes a couple times a week.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-11-2017, 11:35 PM
Golden Eagle Golden Eagle is offline
Guide
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 470
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by shivatar
I'm afraid that the reason behind all these things is the childhood trauma I experienced. If it were something else I could possibly change it, like if it were caused by the last few years of drinking and drugs, maybe then I could reverse the damage somehow. But the childhood trauma I faced? From what I hear it's a death sentence. People in my position are essentially crippled for the rest of their life, subject to chronic illness and general misery.

I'm afraid my trauma has caused my brain to essentially fizzle out and die on me. The nature of my trauma is unbearable. Constant for basically my whole childhood. I learned to survive by shutting down who I really am. Now that I am grown I feel like a shadow of who I am, I'm caught in the same coping mechanisms that I used as a child and I can't get out of them no matter how much I realize I'm doing it and try to change it.

I don't feel an urge to live for myself, to choose my own life.
I can't even muster the energy to avoid future pain. I'm so resigned that I can't even act when the reaper is staring me in the face. I feel like I gave up once before and now I am condemned to always be giving up as soon as the road becomes difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a quitter. When push comes to shove my resolve dissolves and I crumble.

I'm taking some probiotics now, eating relatively healthy foods (salads and fruits at least half the week, junk/regular food the rest (it used to be 99% junk lol)). I take some supplements for brain health and to get good sleep, GABA, rhidiola, ginko, 5-htp, trypotphan, valerian, etc. I have a wizard cabinent of magical herbs, including the ganja which is probably the one herb I should let go. To be honest, I got the health herbs to alleviate the ganja related brain symptoms. I smoke ganja to help me deal with the pain of the trauma.

I want to quit drugs, but there is an infinite amount of pain waiting for me once I get sober. The only way I have learned to live is by totally avoiding my mind, trauma, and identity.

I just want to have a normal life. To be able to have a good platform of emotions and physical feelings to work with. To be able to see my desires and go achieve them. To be able to receive happiness and love without automatically shutting down.

Right now I am struggling just to survive. Each day I wake up in horrible mental pain. When I go about my business I am not there, it's just a shell that has learned what needs to be done in order to see another day. I don't smile anymore, I don't feel excited either. I barely feel anger. I haven't felt stress in god knows how long. I feel almost nothing, I feel like a ghost.



Is this really just a phase of development that everybody goes through? The childhood trauma has been untreated for decades, and modern psychology basically says my brain is fried because of that. Based off what I am experiencing now, splits in consciousness, attention, memory, etc, seems to be a clear sign saying "your brain is fried buddy!".

I'm in hell right now and I feel like this is the new normal for my life. I'm learning to be a husk of a human who can survive in hell... I don't want to do that. I want to be something else but I fear I don't have the strength to withstand any more pain. If I'm a husk I can avoid the bad but I miss the good too. If I let in the good and feel the bad, I'm afraid I will truly give up next time things get bad. I'm paralyzed in a place of great pain and I don't know what to do.

ahhh yes ..... i so know this trauma!
Oh did my belly ache for decades before ........
Before ...... GRACE washed it all away ~
Still think not Enlightenment an end ..... just a new beginning and oh how you will laugh as Grace enters Consciousness ~
How to proceed ...... can't answer as Grace works in ITS own way and on ITS timeless schedule ~
i can share what single CHOICE i made which preceded GRACE Consciousness though , in the midst of all memories resurfacing and my heart about to give out completely ...... i chose to Let Go and Forgive it all ...... and myself as well. In that what i call Unholiest Hour ......... in the INSTANT after the choice ...... PEACE! A peace which defies explanation ........ and the following morning , my head was abuzz in Ecstatic Joy ~!
You sound CLOSE to that INSTANT .......
i once had a friend who shared a similar story ..... and that helped me get through the hard part. Something he wrote ..... A messenger told me ..... or something like that ~ Google it maybe you will find something useful ~
he or she ..... can't remember ..... ummm....found it "A Messenger Once Told Me"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-11-2017, 11:58 PM
shivatar shivatar is offline
Master
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 1,933
  shivatar's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by Golden Eagle
ahhh yes ..... i so know this trauma!
Oh did my belly ache for decades before ........
Before ...... GRACE washed it all away ~
Still think not Enlightenment an end ..... just a new beginning and oh how you will laugh as Grace enters Consciousness ~
How to proceed ...... can't answer as Grace works in ITS own way and on ITS timeless schedule ~
i can share what single CHOICE i made which preceded GRACE Consciousness though , in the midst of all memories resurfacing and my heart about to give out completely ...... i chose to Let Go and Forgive it all ...... and myself as well. In that what i call Unholiest Hour ......... in the INSTANT after the choice ...... PEACE! A peace which defies explanation ........ and the following morning , my head was abuzz in Ecstatic Joy ~!
You sound CLOSE to that INSTANT .......
i once had a friend who shared a similar story ..... and that helped me get through the hard part. Something he wrote ..... A messenger told me ..... or something like that ~ Google it maybe you will find something useful ~
he or she ..... can't remember ..... ummm....found it "A Messenger Once Told Me"

That moment came 6 years ago for me. In the midst of darkness I choose light and was given grace. For 42 days after that I lived in a bliss I can easily call heaven on earth. At the end of it I was asked to serve. I keep making excuses about why I can't serve totally yet, why I need to continue in my ways so I can be strong enough to fulfill the services the higher spirit asks of me. Fear and doubt have blocked my path for a long time now.

I don't know how a deep part of me went back into hating and not forgiving. If I were to make vows about forgiving and letting go now nothing would happen. The deepest parts of me are not willing to go forward and I can't figure out why or how I can move myself out of this muck. Even the "infinite pain" I feel isn't enough to motivate me. I guess I just have to keep feeling the pain until I finally get motivated.
__________________
I log once every couple of months, sometimes a couple times a week.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-11-2017, 12:17 AM
FallingLeaves FallingLeaves is offline
Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,385
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by shivatar
That moment came 6 years ago for me. In the midst of darkness I choose light and was given grace. For 42 days after that I lived in a bliss I can easily call heaven on earth. At the end of it I was asked to serve. I keep making excuses about why I can't serve totally yet, why I need to continue in my ways so I can be strong enough to fulfill the services the higher spirit asks of me. Fear and doubt have blocked my path for a long time now.

I don't know how a deep part of me went back into hating and not forgiving. If I were to make vows about forgiving and letting go now nothing would happen. The deepest parts of me are not willing to go forward and I can't figure out why or how I can move myself out of this muck. Even the "infinite pain" I feel isn't enough to motivate me. I guess I just have to keep feeling the pain until I finally get motivated.

the sun goes away for the night, and we think nothing of it... but when presented with 'unpleasant' (for lack of a better word) feelings we always want to immediately make it go away.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-11-2017, 12:23 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
Master
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 10,861
  Shivani Devi's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by shivatar
I'm afraid that the reason behind all these things is the childhood trauma I experienced. If it were something else I could possibly change it, like if it were caused by the last few years of drinking and drugs, maybe then I could reverse the damage somehow. But the childhood trauma I faced? From what I hear it's a death sentence. People in my position are essentially crippled for the rest of their life, subject to chronic illness and general misery.

I'm afraid my trauma has caused my brain to essentially fizzle out and die on me. The nature of my trauma is unbearable. Constant for basically my whole childhood. I learned to survive by shutting down who I really am. Now that I am grown I feel like a shadow of who I am, I'm caught in the same coping mechanisms that I used as a child and I can't get out of them no matter how much I realize I'm doing it and try to change it.

I don't feel an urge to live for myself, to choose my own life.
I can't even muster the energy to avoid future pain. I'm so resigned that I can't even act when the reaper is staring me in the face. I feel like I gave up once before and now I am condemned to always be giving up as soon as the road becomes difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a quitter. When push comes to shove my resolve dissolves and I crumble.

I'm taking some probiotics now, eating relatively healthy foods (salads and fruits at least half the week, junk/regular food the rest (it used to be 99% junk lol)). I take some supplements for brain health and to get good sleep, GABA, rhidiola, ginko, 5-htp, trypotphan, valerian, etc. I have a wizard cabinent of magical herbs, including the ganja which is probably the one herb I should let go. To be honest, I got the health herbs to alleviate the ganja related brain symptoms. I smoke ganja to help me deal with the pain of the trauma.

I want to quit drugs, but there is an infinite amount of pain waiting for me once I get sober. The only way I have learned to live is by totally avoiding my mind, trauma, and identity.

I just want to have a normal life. To be able to have a good platform of emotions and physical feelings to work with. To be able to see my desires and go achieve them. To be able to receive happiness and love without automatically shutting down.

Right now I am struggling just to survive. Each day I wake up in horrible mental pain. When I go about my business I am not there, it's just a shell that has learned what needs to be done in order to see another day. I don't smile anymore, I don't feel excited either. I barely feel anger. I haven't felt stress in god knows how long. I feel almost nothing, I feel like a ghost.



Is this really just a phase of development that everybody goes through? The childhood trauma has been untreated for decades, and modern psychology basically says my brain is fried because of that. Based off what I am experiencing now, splits in consciousness, attention, memory, etc, seems to be a clear sign saying "your brain is fried buddy!".

I'm in hell right now and I feel like this is the new normal for my life. I'm learning to be a husk of a human who can survive in hell... I don't want to do that. I want to be something else but I fear I don't have the strength to withstand any more pain. If I'm a husk I can avoid the bad but I miss the good too. If I let in the good and feel the bad, I'm afraid I will truly give up next time things get bad. I'm paralyzed in a place of great pain and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, Corey, but I shall tell you something....every word of it, I could have written myself, except for the feeling 'hopeless' part, because thankfully, my alexithymia takes care of that...but the brain fogginess, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, M.E. etc, drives me to total distraction most days...yep, it's caused by childhood trauma (which I have also had my fair share of) and yep, it is a 'death sentence' in which no doctor out there will be able to tell me what I am dying from, even though we both know that I am dying.

I was only thinking yesterday, that after I go, I am going to donate my body to science. lol

Having said that, I am also on GABA, tryptophan and valerian, but recently, I cut out the Valerian for Kava Kava (it works much better than Valerian):

http://i.ebayimg.com/images/i/262623...-1/s-l1000.jpg

Also, make sure your vitamin B6 and vitamin D3 levels are way up there. I have also heard that DHEA is good, but haven't tried that one out yet.

In regards to the aches, pains and fogginess...I know that it tastes disgusting, but Apple Cider Vinegar with the 'Mother' helps...take about 20-30ml of it 3 times a day with meals.

Then, look into Ayurveda...I've put myself on a regimen of Ashwaghanda, Chyawanprash and Churna.

As much as you don't want to hear this, nothing is going to improve unless you wake up at 5-6am every day and do meditation and yoga...so if that seems unappealing to you, what is worse, doing that or suffering how you are now? The choice MUST be made. It's also something that both of us need to seriously address.

I was looking on Youtube yesterday...came across a video called "Yoga. My Bed. And M.E." which is about the state at which I can start this right now:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IaNskXb0-o

Yeah, all of that 'surrender to God' stuff doesn't work in regards to this, does it?

Meanwhile, think of them all as 'ascension symptoms' or 'kundalini symptoms' if it makes things easier, and go out and 'ground' yourself....there are things, that no matter how much we don't want to do them...no matter how much we hate doing them, or the whole idea of doing them totally un-appeals to us, nothing whatsoever will change unless we do it...so we must choose...do we do what we hate, or be how we hate?

Next week, I have an appointment with my GP to start back on Duloxetine (Cymbalta). I was on it once, but had to discontinue it after a week due to nasty side-effects. This time, we're going to start at the lowest dose and gradually build it up to a therapeutic dose over the course of a month or two...until my body gets used to it and can handle it.

Meanwhile, all you can do is self-care...look after yourself...try and distract yourself from whatever it is you are feeling, because the more you concentrate on it, the more attention you give it, the more it feeds it...like a spoiled, brat of a child....trust me, I know.

So, here's a list of 'other things' you can do when this strikes:
http://www.onelittlehappything.com/w...reideaspin.jpg

While all of this is going on, look into all of those cognitive behavioural lessons and solutions for a condition called distress intolerance, which is a natural result of trauma...and which I know that both of us have.

Seeing a counselor can help with this and there are a few online programs as well, like moodgym:
https://moodgym.com.au/

Remember those things you like to do and do them...whatever they are. It may take a lot of strength and focus, overcoming that which tells you to 'go to hell' when you ask it to come along with you to the park to feed the ducks...but drag it along kicking and screaming if need be.

There are those people for whom obeying/incorporating the ego as a holistic approach to their enlightenment works...and those who need to totally kill it to get any peace whatsoever....I am the latter.

All the best, my friend and I wish us both well.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-11-2017, 01:01 AM
shivatar shivatar is offline
Master
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 1,933
  shivatar's Avatar
I wake up at 4 am to go to work but I don't meditate or do yoga. I usually hit the snooze button 3 times, get dressed in 5 minutes and leave for work feeling kind of groggy.


Yeah, unfortunately surrender to God isn't a magic bullet. Sometimes God is like "I surrender to you too! Do what you want to do!" and I'm just like pulling my hair out. lol.

Thanks for the information on distress tolerance.

I like the idea of mood gym, and for 40$ for a year I think I can manage that when I get into better finances.

I'm hearing a lot about gut bacteria and it's encouraging me to eat healthier. I think my gut bacteria is terrible from about a decade of straight junk food eating and bingeing. I bet I will feel loads better after a month of healthy diet.
__________________
I log once every couple of months, sometimes a couple times a week.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:40 AM.


Powered by vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) Spiritual Forums