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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Angels & Guides

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  #1  
Old 02-03-2018, 11:25 AM
Battle00333 Battle00333 is offline
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 134
 
Post Consumed by Hatred

Have you ever had someone who made you hate them so much, that you'd want nothing more than making them suffer in every imaginable and unimaginable way? That's what I went through last night.

This is my story:
I actively play games, some games I only play for a while, then there's other games I play for a long time, and get very engaged with the community revolved around that game.
I decided that I would invest myself and achieve the impossible in a such game, and so I did. I learnt things and came up ways to improve my skills in ways the other members of the community could only dream of. at some point I made some mistakes and was rightfully disciplined by the owner of the game before we eventually came to learn to know each other as a result. It wasn't until two years later things started going downhill. some of the moderators of the community and other people began developing a bias against me, due to not only my unprecedented skill, but also my unrestricted honesty. I always try to be honest, and I always try to keep my honesty unfiltered because I think people deserve as much. however people took my honesty as arrogance, and interpreted it as me being hateful.

As a result they would start constantly looking at me with disgust, like when a noble looks down on a commoner. Being who I am, I naturally retaliated and treated them similarly in kind, but at the same time making sure they received every last bit of honesty I had. the mods, started plotting against me, and took any incident to their advantage in order to abuse their power to exact this "justice" upon me and my "wrongdoings". There was a person above them, an admin, whom knew about their bias the entire time. rather than doing the right thing by putting an end to it, he chose to be their lapdog and let them do as they pleased, at my expense. eventually I was simply just cast out due to my "inability to correct my misbehavior". I did everything they wanted me to do at the best of my ability, I wanted the best for the community and the game, and this was my reward. Needless to say, I had accumulated a lot of negative emotions let alone hatred towards these people but I just let it stir, trying to keep it down.



(I still play the game because it is very close to my heart, and I still care for it dearly)
Until yesterday, that's when I finally couldn't hold it back anymore. I came across a group of people whom really had to be reported, but then I remembered that even if I were to do the right thing and report them, the staff wouldn't act on it because the report came from me, and the hate started warming up. I decided that I would at least contact the admin, call him out. then I discovered that the admin had removed me from his contacts, effectively revoking my ability to contact him, and the hate started boiling. I couldn't keep it down anymore. I felt like murdering them, like filling their hearts with despair and watch their souls suffer as I would put them through an everlasting nightmare. I felt like stripping them of so much that there wouldn't be any pieces to put back together. I needed it, I desired it and I yearned for it. I want to unload all this hatred and rage on them tenfold, and enjoy watching everything unfold as I plunged them into something that reaches deeper than the abyss.

At this point it was 4:30 AM in the morning and this had kept me awake for the past 2 hours. However as I was trying to sleep. I suddenly got visions, of different things. I saw a black shrouded figure, surrounded by light whom resembled my considered Higher Self. I saw red eyes, as well as a dark red-eyed figure. lastly I saw a dark masked faceless figure; its face was nothing but a hollow mask. Then i heard the screaming. I didn't recognize the voice, it was very faint, and muffled, but It was the voice of a young male. I heard him desperately screaming "help me". as I heard the screaming, I started feeling calmer, I felt good. All this hate I had felt moments ago, suddenly became dormant just like that. I questioned where the screams were coming from, but surprisingly hearing them didn't worry me nor bother me. I had absolutely no care about what this individual was going through, I didn't even feel sorry for him. the only thing that mattered to me at that point was that I felt as if I was gonna be okay now, and that I was being protected; the same sense of protection children feel when they're embraced by their loved ones after waking up from a nightmare or when they check for monsters before kissing you goodnight. the voice called out three or four times before it went quiet, and I fell asleep shortly after
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  #2  
Old 02-03-2018, 12:16 PM
Steven Steven is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 29
 
I assume you're talking about online computer games (perhaps MMOs?).

It's very easy to get mad in games due to factors outside your control such as lag or other players. Being on the spectrum I have a need to be in control at all times which is not always possible. I'm currently playing Dark Souls 3 for the first time which was an experience in taking a step back and looking at how the game designers wanted me to play instead of trying to force the game to play how I wanted it.

I'd love to know more about the meaning of your vision though it seemed to be some kind of safe release for you which is great.

I'm not sure if you're into affirmations but having browsed that section of the forums just a minute ago I discovered one which may help you:
I tried to post the link but am getting the error that I need to make >=15 posts [which I have done already?] so I'll just give you the video number that you can paste in the address bar over top of another video: v=SWESKYhETmQ - This one is for anxiety but as it is about embracing factors outside your control it may be beneficial

In playing Dark Souls I realised if I let the game anger me I play worse than if I can stay cool, calm and collected.
It really is a very interesting exercise in self control and I definitely need more practice!!

Perhaps take a step back from online games and try to stay in control in a personal space (or singleplayer game), before trying to take it to the next level with those around you?
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  #3  
Old 02-03-2018, 12:35 PM
happy soul happy soul is offline
Experiencer
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 418
 
There's a lot of humor in your post, as I'm sure you're well-aware. It's not that hatred and ill-will are a laughing matter, but that our innocence shines through, and the irony of it is apparent.

I have a suggestion: Know that there is divine justice.

The law of justice or karma is that what we give, we receive, multiplied. In other words, what we do comes back to us.

Two things about the law of karma are very important to understand.

The first is that karma isn't 'punishment'. It's simply what works - it's what's best. It's the highest good.

Secondly, divine justice or karma is eternally perfect, exactly as it should be. I'm saying there is PERFECT JUSTICE forever. We make choices, and we have the entirely just outcomes of those choices, but sometimes it takes a while.

If you can have faith in these ideas, you can know that, ultimately, you ALREADY HAVE the justice you want.
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  #4  
Old 03-03-2018, 03:17 AM
Battle00333 Battle00333 is offline
Knower
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 134
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven
I assume you're talking about online computer games (perhaps MMOs?).

It's very easy to get mad in games due to factors outside your control such as lag or other players. Being on the spectrum I have a need to be in control at all times which is not always possible. I'm currently playing Dark Souls 3 for the first time which was an experience in taking a step back and looking at how the game designers wanted me to play instead of trying to force the game to play how I wanted it.

I'd love to know more about the meaning of your vision though it seemed to be some kind of safe release for you which is great.

I'm not sure if you're into affirmations but having browsed that section of the forums just a minute ago I discovered one which may help you:
I tried to post the link but am getting the error that I need to make >=15 posts [which I have done already?] so I'll just give you the video number that you can paste in the address bar over top of another video: v=SWESKYhETmQ - This one is for anxiety but as it is about embracing factors outside your control it may be beneficial

In playing Dark Souls I realised if I let the game anger me I play worse than if I can stay cool, calm and collected.
It really is a very interesting exercise in self control and I definitely need more practice!!

Perhaps take a step back from online games and try to stay in control in a personal space (or singleplayer game), before trying to take it to the next level with those around you?

You misunderstand, it's not the game that creates these feelings, it's the people in the game.

I also have no idea what the vision could possibly mean
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  #5  
Old 03-03-2018, 05:33 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
Master
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 10,861
  Shivani Devi's Avatar
About 20 years ago, I became involved in an offline AND online Trading Card Game called Yu-Gi-Oh! and I had a very good deck...it won a few tournaments, but I wasn't playing to win...even though winning was a bonus.

In their aim to make more money, Konami (game creators) banned a lot of the cards I was using because they were 'too powerful' and yet, created even more powerful cards to replace them...and we called this one the 'power creep'.

As such, my deck became totally useless and unplayable...even at the casual level and it was relegated to a "Tier 4 deck'...the lowest out there.

For a while, I tried replacing banned cards in my deck with equivalents (which were pretty weak)...even making a few new decks with all different themes...but they all fell, one after the other over a period of 5 years to this 'power creep'.

Eventually, the game became one in which only 1-2 decks would ever be 'competitive' within a 'ban-list cycle' of 6 months and it thus turned into a game of 'scissors/rock/paper' basically, in that whoever won the dice-roll would win the game.

What happened to the game I really enjoyed to play? where was the whole 'spirit of the game' I once lapped up? suffice to say, my 'heart of the cards' became broken and I started making 'Anti-Meta' decks (rogue/rebel decks) to voice my disgust and disappointment at Konami...until they basically limited every Anti-Meta card to 'one per deck'.

Throughout all this, everybody said "why not just run a meta deck?" but I wasn't like that...so, in the end, I got called a "noob" and I was flamed and criticised to hell and back (even by Pojo Forum administrators)..and even though I loved the game, I really started to hate and despise all those who played it.

Eventually (about 5 years ago), I cut all my losses and quit the game going "it's just not WORTH this"...no matter how much I once enjoyed or still (to a limited extent) enjoyed the game, if those who play it without any sportsmanship whatsoever are going to make me feel THIS way, it's all just counter-productive...and so, I quit the game...after a long battle deciding whether I should or not...one day I said "that's IT...I just don't want to hate anymore".

I still have my very first deck and I keep it to remind me of this lesson.
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  #6  
Old 03-03-2018, 02:03 PM
Melahin Melahin is offline
Master
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1,500
 
You seem very skilled. Maybe using it in ways that enlighten your life might serve you better... than waste it on silly right or wrong games. We already from Quantum know that is not how our reality works, so keep portraying it such only creates it in ways that might be very... lets say not useful
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I am the flower, the tree, the vine. I am the path
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  #7  
Old 03-03-2018, 10:47 PM
paperw1ngs paperw1ngs is offline
Knower
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 122
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Battle00333
Have you ever had someone who made you hate them so much, that you'd want nothing more than making them suffer in every imaginable and unimaginable way? That's what I went through last night.

This is my story:
I actively play games, some games I only play for a while, then there's other games I play for a long time, and get very engaged with the community revolved around that game.
I decided that I would invest myself and achieve the impossible in a such game, and so I did. I learnt things and came up ways to improve my skills in ways the other members of the community could only dream of. at some point I made some mistakes and was rightfully disciplined by the owner of the game before we eventually came to learn to know each other as a result. It wasn't until two years later things started going downhill. some of the moderators of the community and other people began developing a bias against me, due to not only my unprecedented skill, but also my unrestricted honesty. I always try to be honest, and I always try to keep my honesty unfiltered because I think people deserve as much. however people took my honesty as arrogance, and interpreted it as me being hateful.

As a result they would start constantly looking at me with disgust, like when a noble looks down on a commoner. Being who I am, I naturally retaliated and treated them similarly in kind, but at the same time making sure they received every last bit of honesty I had. the mods, started plotting against me, and took any incident to their advantage in order to abuse their power to exact this "justice" upon me and my "wrongdoings". There was a person above them, an admin, whom knew about their bias the entire time. rather than doing the right thing by putting an end to it, he chose to be their lapdog and let them do as they pleased, at my expense. eventually I was simply just cast out due to my "inability to correct my misbehavior". I did everything they wanted me to do at the best of my ability, I wanted the best for the community and the game, and this was my reward. Needless to say, I had accumulated a lot of negative emotions let alone hatred towards these people but I just let it stir, trying to keep it down.



(I still play the game because it is very close to my heart, and I still care for it dearly)
Until yesterday, that's when I finally couldn't hold it back anymore. I came across a group of people whom really had to be reported, but then I remembered that even if I were to do the right thing and report them, the staff wouldn't act on it because the report came from me, and the hate started warming up. I decided that I would at least contact the admin, call him out. then I discovered that the admin had removed me from his contacts, effectively revoking my ability to contact him, and the hate started boiling. I couldn't keep it down anymore. I felt like murdering them, like filling their hearts with despair and watch their souls suffer as I would put them through an everlasting nightmare. I felt like stripping them of so much that there wouldn't be any pieces to put back together. I needed it, I desired it and I yearned for it. I want to unload all this hatred and rage on them tenfold, and enjoy watching everything unfold as I plunged them into something that reaches deeper than the abyss.

At this point it was 4:30 AM in the morning and this had kept me awake for the past 2 hours. However as I was trying to sleep. I suddenly got visions, of different things. I saw a black shrouded figure, surrounded by light whom resembled my considered Higher Self. I saw red eyes, as well as a dark red-eyed figure. lastly I saw a dark masked faceless figure; its face was nothing but a hollow mask. Then i heard the screaming. I didn't recognize the voice, it was very faint, and muffled, but It was the voice of a young male. I heard him desperately screaming "help me". as I heard the screaming, I started feeling calmer, I felt good. All this hate I had felt moments ago, suddenly became dormant just like that. I questioned where the screams were coming from, but surprisingly hearing them didn't worry me nor bother me. I had absolutely no care about what this individual was going through, I didn't even feel sorry for him. the only thing that mattered to me at that point was that I felt as if I was gonna be okay now, and that I was being protected; the same sense of protection children feel when they're embraced by their loved ones after waking up from a nightmare or when they check for monsters before kissing you goodnight. the voice called out three or four times before it went quiet, and I fell asleep shortly after

Sorry but from the first paragraph it sounded quite narcissitic and humility is a lesson you perhaps need to learn. I'm sure you are very skilled but sometimes what you may see as absolute truth to you is rather an opinion that serves your focus; whether that be attainment of skill or power or what have you. Sometimes we must surrender to divine will and justice in order to see the world more clearly and not be blinded by our egos. Perhaps use your analytical skills and intelligence in a way that better serves the world rather than games that seem to only feed ego and hate. I love gaming myself; but I'll cut them out of myself if they're frustrating or draining me; games should be FUN and playful, not to be taken so seriously imho.
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  #8  
Old 04-03-2018, 05:43 AM
Battle00333 Battle00333 is offline
Knower
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 134
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melahin
You seem very skilled. Maybe using it in ways that enlighten your life might serve you better... than waste it on silly right or wrong games. We already from Quantum know that is not how our reality works, so keep portraying it such only creates it in ways that might be very... lets say not useful

I don't really think i'm skilled with this. the majority of the time spiritual experiences like this just happens and im just along for the ride, I actually barely practice spirituality ever, if at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by paperw1ngs
Sorry but from the first paragraph it sounded quite narcissitic and humility is a lesson you perhaps need to learn. I'm sure you are very skilled but sometimes what you may see as absolute truth to you is rather an opinion that serves your focus; whether that be attainment of skill or power or what have you. Sometimes we must surrender to divine will and justice in order to see the world more clearly and not be blinded by our egos. Perhaps use your analytical skills and intelligence in a way that better serves the world rather than games that seem to only feed ego and hate. I love gaming myself; but I'll cut them out of myself if they're frustrating or draining me; games should be FUN and playful, not to be taken so seriously imho.

It's not the first time i've been called "narcissistic" but it's a word I've barely ever heard. Sure, I admire my achievements and the effort i've put into getting them. I admire and feel proud of myself, for being able to accomplish what I did. However, I would admire anyone who did the same thing I did. the reason I put in so much effort was because I admired others' skills, their skill gave me the motivation to keep working hard for something as "trivial" or "pointless" as being skilled, in a videogame. I'm not assuming I'm better than anyone or everyone, I don't have to assume because the game results shows that is the case. It isn't narcissistic of me to assume i'm better than anyone or everyone, when I'm winning 9/10 times If anything, I want people to be better than me, I want someone to compete with so I can grow further. I can be very humble, people who get to know me considers me as very nice guy, but people who don't know me, usually sees the opposite; like your first impression of me. I'm not pretentious of who I am as a person, I know just how bad of a person I can be, as well as how good of a person I can be.
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  #9  
Old 04-03-2018, 06:17 AM
paperw1ngs paperw1ngs is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 122
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Battle00333
I don't really think i'm skilled with this. the majority of the time spiritual experiences like this just happens and im just along for the ride, I actually barely practice spirituality ever, if at all.



It's not the first time i've been called "narcissistic" but it's a word I've barely ever heard. Sure, I admire my achievements and the effort i've put into getting them. I admire and feel proud of myself, for being able to accomplish what I did. However, I would admire anyone who did the same thing I did. the reason I put in so much effort was because I admired others' skills, their skill gave me the motivation to keep working hard for being skilled, in a videogame. I'm not assuming I'm better than anyone or everyone, I don't have to assume because the game results shows that is the case. Rather, I wan't people to be better than me, I want someone to compete with so I can grow further. I can be very humble, people who get to know me considers me as very nice guy, but people who don't know me, usually sees the opposite; like your first impression of me.

I'm sorry if I offended you; I just wanted to point out that could be how you could come across to others. It's sometimes better to be more self aware of how we come across and I've found when people are blunt with me about something that's causing me problems I learn faster than people putting things more delicately. Wish you the best really.

"I heard him desperately screaming "help me". as I heard the screaming, I started feeling calmer, I felt good. " isn't healthy for you to be feeling on an energetic level; you maybe unconciously or conciously want cruel justice when the world is the way it is because of hate and the people of the world learn better and become better through truth and love; hate only seems to breed more hate...I hope you practice forgiveness and realizing everyone in this world that hurts others is already hurting on the inside; traumatic childhoods can make people cold and mean. I work on this myself when I start to feel angry or spiteful to people. See them as a child who was hurt so bad that they feel the need to hurt others in the now. I can only really FEEL FREE of people who've wronged me if I work on forgiveness and seeing them as the wounded souls they are just like me and just like most people; some people just have bigger more festering wounds to heal. Grudges are a huge weight to carry.

Freedom is one of the best feelings in the world!

Best of luck!
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  #10  
Old 04-03-2018, 06:26 AM
Shivani Devi Shivani Devi is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 10,861
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Well, I'm going to bow out of this one now (unless somebody responds to this directly), with two final comments:

1. You say that you don't practice spirituality, so why should it matter if you feel hatred? hatred is a normal and natural emotion for those who don't want to make any advancement beyond the physical, so 'haters gonna hate' should be your motto!

2. I just looked at your profile, you are a 20 year-old male...they are usually full of testosterone, are sexually frustrated and driven towards nerdy/geeky pursuits as a result, where they battle each other for 'survival' over imagined scenarios (while game creators capitalise on this).

Sorry for being so brash, but I'm learning how to love that part of myself. =)
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