Lightworker... venting

Please forgive me, I just need to vent...

I'm a lightworker, I am painfully aware of what home is like and I am so very very homesick!!!

I've just gained an understanding of something quite major. I have posted before that I struggle with some music, that it makes me cry without even knowing why... well I was just listening to Gaga's "Edge of Glory", fighting off the tears and it came to me.... the energy of that song feels very close to home.. it lifts me just a little closer and it reminds me that I am still down here, and struggling.

I know I am here for a reason, I know I have stuff to learn... but at the moment it is so damned hard!!!

I'm in a really dark place but it's one that most of the people around me won't even begin to accept as reasonable let alone understand.

It's partially "existential guilt"... I just feel guilty for being part of the human race and all the messed up stuff we're doing.

I feel guilty for being me as in so many places who I am seems to be different to how people want me to be.

I thought meditation might work but in reality it makes me realise how much I miss home. I am sitting in my conservatory, in the sun with the house to myself, listening to the birds singing and it's bliss, but I know tomorrow I am going to have to get up and go back to a place where I have to pretend that I am someone else.

I just want to go home!!!!!

I also feel homesick so here is a hug but until you can get home you have to find a home in this here human body of yours. I have found out that all the cosmos expect of me is to just be me, that is all I ever should be me. I find that very much relaxing. So all I have to do is be myself and shine my light where ever I go. Some will see it and some will not and that is okay, because we all walk our own path. I wrote this here poem this morning as I woke up so see if it helps you as much as it helps me. At the end of the Cosmos.

Hi Dreamweaver... thanks for the hug.

I know that you are right in that I need to be me... but at the moment that seems to cause problems for those around me.

There is the person I work with, who is threatened by my confidence even thought I encourage her as I know she could be good at it.

There are those that won't listen to what I have to say, even though it is not nasty or malicious. They would rather be heard themselves than return the respect and listen to me once I have listened to them.

This isn't even me talking about my "weird world", this is just simple conversation....

There are those that think I am mad when I talk about how I see the world and why I choose to live the way I do.

So I try to keep my thoughts to myself. Listen rather than speak, but it leads me to believe that I don't deserve to be heard or that if I think I do then I am selfish and egotistical.

There are also those people who do things that annoy me. I know I am being intolerant and in trying to find a way of accepting I have looked at myself and thought that I must do things that annoy people.. but instead of finding tolerance of others I have found hate for myself. I try to ensure that I don't annoy others so that they don't feel the way I do, but that leads me to constantly second guess every move I make.

I have painted myself into a corner of self hate and an utter lack of self worth.. and I simply don't know a way out other than to hide from the world so people can't hurt me.

I fight on, being out there, trying to ignore my buttons being pressed, but that is not functioning, I don't love life like I should.

I see a lack of balance. You describe some qualities as ugly and therefore they will manifest them self as ugly. The art is to lay the ego to rest and find the beauty in all aspects of yourself. Then those things you find not worthy will start show themselves in a more possitive light. I am no master in this and have been trapped within my own darkness in the past. Now I see the beauty in what I once found ugly and is practicing in integrating it. All I can say is that my life is much more easy today than it once were. and there is nothing wrong with intolerance, it is how it is portrayed that might be. If it annoys you tell kindly that it does, then people know where you stand. I love to exist in the cosmos and even if I am human I am a part of the cosmos, and in that I find solace.

when I told someone that their foot tapping annoyed me they said they were happy now they knew what to do to annoy me!

as for there being nothing wrong with intolerance.. in one way I agree... but in another I disagree, for a purely selfish reason. Intolerance, when held quiet, hurts only one person, the intolerant one. I would much rather not be affected by the things that currently annoy me, then I won't be annoyed any more.

You won't get to go home until you've done your work, so it's best to focus on that, yes? Practice compassion... for yourself, for others, for the human race. Practice love, light and hope. Surround yourself in them whenever possible and keep your head held high. You were lucky enough to be chosen to come here now, at this momentous time. Don't waste it in false guilt.

Hi Enya

Yes Enya, you are right.

I have a new remedy to take and the cards chosen gave me an insight into what I am actually feeling, they always do.

Will try to work harder at staying in the light at work tomorrow... I'm just feeling a little battered, I need to stay in the light to let myself heal.

Just know that no matter what you do or who you are, you will always be you and therefore you can not waste the life you have that is the true beauty of it all. Just listen to your heart and let it guide you.

It is normal to feel homesick. If you look at a picture of heaven, of glory and light who would not rather be there?

But we have made a deep, deep promise. We have promised in the deepest part of our souls that we will serve others and be with those who are suffering. And we just cannot turn away. Yes sometimes we long to dissolve into the peace of the Divine and lose our separate personality in bliss.

But we see many people suffering, and we have to be there for them. No matter how hard it is or how much we might not want to. It is the duty we have promised to fulfil. To love all beings, cherish them and serve them forever. Until nobody else in any world suffers, we cannot disappear into glory. We have to always return to help, to guide, and to be an example until all beings are free.

[immortal coil]

Originally Posted by Sungirl

Hi Dreamweaver... thanks for the hug.

I know that you are right in that I need to be me... but at the moment that seems to cause problems for those around me.

There is the person I work with, who is threatened by my confidence even thought I encourage her as I know she could be good at it.

There are those that won't listen to what I have to say, even though it is not nasty or malicious. They would rather be heard themselves than return the respect and listen to me once I have listened to them.

This isn't even me talking about my "weird world", this is just simple conversation....

There are those that think I am mad when I talk about how I see the world and why I choose to live the way I do.

So I try to keep my thoughts to myself. Listen rather than speak, but it leads me to believe that I don't deserve to be heard or that if I think I do then I am selfish and egotistical.

There are also those people who do things that annoy me. I know I am being intolerant and in trying to find a way of accepting I have looked at myself and thought that I must do things that annoy people.. but instead of finding tolerance of others I have found hate for myself. I try to ensure that I don't annoy others so that they don't feel the way I do, but that leads me to constantly second guess every move I make.

I have painted myself into a corner of self hate and an utter lack of self worth.. and I simply don't know a way out other than to hide from the world so people can't hurt me.

I fight on, being out there, trying to ignore my buttons being pressed, but that is not functioning, I don't love life like I should.

Just remember, you're not here to fix anyone. There will always be those who are caught up in the illusions of life, but the trick here is to keep a hands off approach and let them walk their own path.

But, if you're anything like me, you hate to sit on your hands while the world goes to hell. Recognize the situations where you can help the most, and act. For me, my hearts desire, is to build up those who have been broken down by the harshness of life. Sometimes all it takes is giving a compliment or telling someone that they are doing a good job, to make a monumental difference in their lives.

However, the thing that I want you to most realize, is that people will often try to destroy that which is different from them. Know yourself as different, but also as a divine expression of pureness. You are going against the grain because that is what is most needed in this world right now. Throughout history, difference has been met with destruction and persecution. It's the price to pay for what you are, but forgive them for their misdeeds.

Otherwise, stop beating yourself up. Give life your all, and never have lamentations. And love, love love...