Mother Issues

[FairyCrystal]

I hate to say it, but I got mummy issues
I keep bumping into issues and problems that have been caused by her. I've been trying to change this, by telling her I don't like the way she treats me, by talking to her, trying to get through to her. I even broke off communication altogether a few times because I saw no other solution. That's where I am right now too and I intend to keep it that way, at least for now. Being in touch with her only gives me stress and I've had enough stress in my life, I want peace.

Nevertheless, I am still dealing with all the issues. I've been claimed by her my entire life (something I didn't realize until a few months ago), she latches on to me and always has. She manipulates, victimizes herself when it suits her --> when she doesn't get her way. Tries to tell me how to run my life. Basically she simply tries to control me and my life.
It took me a long long time to see this clearly, it wasn't until I was about 37 when it first really started to dawn on me what was going on, and not until a few months ago to get the full extent in view (I am 51 now).
I can understand why she does this, but that still doesn't make it my problem, it's hers to sort out. Instead she's made me her buoy, even when I was a very young kid, and I can't be that anymore. Don't want to be that anymore either. It's not my job, and I got the right to be free.

All that has happened from early childhood onwards, has undermined my self-esteem, sense of self-worth, feeling worthy enough to have my own personal space, and so on and so forth.

Now I know many people have 'mummy issues'. I'm just wondering, has anyone successfully worked through them? If I sum it all up, it's so so much, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Now I'm going to get therapy -I requested it-, not cos I'm a nutcase, but because I want to get rid of low self-esteem as I feel it interferes with my life too much and I'm fed up. So I don't see myself as a victim, I don't have mental problems, I'm an empowered female who wants to release the last pieces of baggage and needs/wants some help with that.
Just saying that so we have that one clear, lol.

Anywho, to repeat my question: anyone managed to successfully let go of 'mummy issues'?

[iamthat]

A common problem - most of us have some kind of issues with our parents.

Some people find the Work of Byron Katie very useful - try this youtube clip where she is working with a young woman whose mother is selfish and controlling and manipulative:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn14ooi-6UQ

Good luck.

Peace.

I can honestly sypathise although circumstances are different. My birth mum was a neurotic, always blaming me when anything went wrong. (just springs to mind one rather hilarious scene where she was trying to pour mayonnaise onto a salad but the stuff jammed in the bottle. She was getting ever more frantic. Decided to give the bottle an enormous bash... sprayed mayonnaise everywhere. "That's YOUR fault," she screamed at me. "If you hadn't been just standing there!"

Anyway, I was pulled from the birth-parental home when 13. I decided enough was enough and she'd never see me again. She hasn't but boy, did she try. She wheedled and cajoled the Child Services people (who at one stage talked about reconciling me. I threatened I'd run away if they tried it.) She is, to me, an evil person. My birth dad is as odious. Long before puberty (it seems now) I realised we weren't of the same "spirit".

I haven't obviously forgotten her entirely - and I'm never sure whether I've shed all her baggage - I like to think so but......

Anyway, I was very lucky with my placement both because I soon felt what I now recognise as a spiritual home, a place that allowed me to be and unlike a few fostereds I've met, was never moved on to another family. Although my flat is on the coast I'm still with them.

And I think it's this peculiar affinity I felt with my foster mum that has cast my birth-mum out of my firmament altogether (aside from occasional flashbacks that I maybe smile ruefully at. Like, I see her on the outside of my firmament). My only potential sin is an inclination to gloat. I know they/she regrets (or did, once) but I must leave them to learn their lessons.

♥

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you for sharing your story, Lorelyen!

In a way I too have had a second mum as my parents divorced when I was 15/16 and both remarried. My dad stayed with this woman until he passed away last year and I always got along with her really well. I still do, am still in touch with her.
I often turned to her for advice, for instance on parenting when I had kids myself, at the same time thinking "Isn't it weird how I cannot get decent advice on this from my own mother?"
When I was with my ex, who turned out to be a narcissist, I often felt that my mum was exactly like this ex. The way they both treated me, belittled me, knocked me etc.

I have cut off communication with my mum for now, it felt like a big relief, that says enough. Yet, she is still my mother. I don't hate her, nor do I gloat. I sometimes feel sad that I have to make do without a warm, loving mother. I can really miss that. Then I feel inclined to reach out again, but I know that if I do things will go as they always did. If nothing else, they'd get worse, because she'd feel she won the battle and thus is now in a stronger position than ever.
To me it's not a battle. I just want love and peace in my life.
I notice I find it difficult at times to not have my mother in my life, especially now that my dad has passed away too last year. It's almost as if I lost both my parents in almost one go, while one of 'em is still alive.
I just have to bear in mind that what I miss is not what my mother can give me. She's not a bad person either, I know she loves me in her own way, it's just that the way she expresses herself is often very hurtful. And even though she's not really a bad person, I have to draw a line and protect myself.

Stupid thing is, it affects my relationship with my daughter too. I can say from the bottom of my heart that I am nothing like my mother. I know everyone says that, in my case it's true. My daughter never got along with my mother for the same reasons I fell out with her.
Now, however, my daughter suddenly projects this chit onto me so I have to deal with it again, in a different way.
Family ties really aren't easy.

[CrystalSong]

I reduced contact to cards and holiday calls with my mom for over a decade and moved very far away. It was very helpful, it allowed me to heal up without getting reinjured and allowed me to get clarity on many things. Actually it was more like 3 decades of extremely diminished contact.

After awakening I was shown what she came here this life to work on and learn and in that understanding the last of my anger dissolved and there wasn't even a need to forgive - I just Understood why she is like she is.

We have contact about once a month now, phone calls and see each other every few years for a few hours. She's not good passed 3 hours, but can contain her inner rage at life in general for a nice 2 hour visit and be on good behavior and be most pleasant.
Passed three hours though and there's going to be a major melt down and drama of some type which will involve as many nearby people as she can drag into it and it's going to be a messy ugly scene which leaves people shocked and upset.

That's just who she is, I accept that finally and plan accordingly.
She can't control herself and has no self realization around this pattern or that it even happens. Planning for it and how to duck out before it happens has been a game changer for our relationship, we can actually get some good times in for the first time in our lives. She's getting elderly now and so all those good moments really count.
I wish I'd been able to see through my own stuff to see the pattern decades ago and plan around it, we could have had many more good memories and years together, but I'll take what we can get in the time left to us. :)

[davidsun]

Assuming a reader believes that a soul previews and so has the option of choosing 'significant' others to have relationships with, including 'challenging' ones, for the purpose of (that is to stimulate, maybe even to necessitate) further soul growth and development on one's part, ...

Regarding possible reasons why one may have 'chosen' such mothers, some of Don Juan's teachings to Carlos Casteneda come to mind:

From http://www.umsl.edu/~thomaskp/cast.htm :
"Without the aid of a worthy opponent, who's not really an enemy but a thoroughly dedicated adversary, the apprentice has no possibility of continuing on the path of knowledge."

From: http://www.uazone.org/naph/ccarlos/v...ixtlan.html#17
"A WORTHY OPPONENT

... you know that from now on you must be on the lookout. She will try to tap you on your left shoulder during a moment when you are unaware and weak.

- What should I do?

-It is meaningless to complain. What's important from this point on is the strategy of your life.

Your opponent is on your trail and for the first time in your life you cannot afford to act helter-skelter. This time you will have to learn a totally different doing, the doing of strategy. Think of it this way. If you survive the onslaughts of 'la Catalina' you will have to thank her someday for having forced you to change your doing.

- What a terrible way of putting it! What if I don't survive?

-A warrior never indulges in thoughts like that. When he has to act with his fellow men, a warrior follows the doing of strategy, and in that doing there are no victories or defeats. In that doing there are only actions.

(I asked him what the doing of strategy entailed.)

It entails that one is not at the mercy of people."

The following Jesus saying also come to mind:
"For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." (Matthew 10:35-36)

Talk about 'tough love'! 'Easy' schools aren't for those who really wish to learn, aye what?

So I try to be around my mother as much as possible because of her being the most difficult person in my life. the one offering the most resistance.

Prior to waking up i stopped letting her pry into my life. By not answering questions she didn't need the answer to. Which turns out to be almost everything. At first she got really upset and i explained to her that i will no longer entertain negative opinions and judgement. (this happening prior to waking up) She slowly got the hint that i didn't like her assuming and attracting the worst in MY LIFE. fast forward to me starting to wake up i starting paying attention to the things she taught me through action. Lack of affection manipulation to get me to be how she wants me to be. in every way i started picking up how she is as a human and all the bad habits i picked up from her. So with this knowledge i looked at my grandmother who is more aggressive and negative and manipulative. when i noticed these same things in her and my grandfather it became clear that i needed to address them ASAP. i pointed these things out to my mother not by what she was doing. i started the whole conversation pointing out all the things my grandmother picked up from her mom. and all the things my uncle picked up from my grandfather. and all the things my aunt picked up from my grandmother and grandfather. Their need to always point out what everyone is doing wrong instead of acknowledging accomplishment or success. The constant fear and negativity in all the forms i noticed at the time.

She of course agreed as i was pointing out my grandmothers issues and grandfathers issues as she still held resentment. but by the time i finished the conversation she was literally speechless. Think of being in her shoes as i pointed out all the bad habits she picked up and nurtured up until that point. Now i cant say this fixed the issue but i can say it helped me on my path. she keeps her mouth shut 80% of the time when she has a chance to voice negative and for the most part i still only answer questions that are needed. I've become a pro on picking up on her asking questions that allow her to judge or manipulate my path.

But the biggest thing for me is the fact that i have three children. having this conversation with them. and explaining the parent child dynamic and how they should keep their attention on what they pick up from me and their mother. And since that first realization i decided to not fight this problem and instead just change me completely. I try not to manipulate my kids or judge them and also allow them to be their selves and make mistakes i know wont kill them. Consciously just trying to be better person and not nurture those parental conditionings has been the biggest spiritual growth factor yet. and still continues to be.

Eckhart quoted someone saying it and i forget who. but it stands out.
"If you think you're enlightened go spend time with family."

[Baile]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

anyone managed to successfully let go of 'mummy issues'?

I still cry once in a while, she died last year. Guess that's sort of an issue. She was the most loving, non-judgmental person I ever knew. I spoke to her every day even though we had been many miles away from each other for many years.

Fed up with family? Disconnect with them for a time. Months later you'll find your relationship with them has naturally and organically shifted from childish to adult. Something about soul knots with family that need to be unraveled or cut at some point. I've started to think it's some karmic law of physical-material incarnation.

[FairyCrystal]

Thank you for sharing your stories!

@ Badcopyinc, yes, being aware of such family patterns can be very helpful. Esp when you are raising children yourself. I also noticed such pattern, on the female side of my mother's family. At first only saw the negative of it, then, as I pondered it more, I came to see a very positive side that was connected to that same pattern. That changed my entire view of it.
Unfortunately that is my insight, doesn't make my mother less clingy and manipulative.

The Eckhart Tolle quote is great! How true!


@CrystalSong, how great that you've found a way to deal with it! And yes, enjoy it as much as you can!
Maybe at some point I will do something similar. Right now I can't, not just yet. The last things she accused me of still hurt too much.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

Unfortunately that is my insight, doesn't make my mother less clingy and manipulative.

Right now I can't, not just yet. The last things she accused me of still hurt too much.

There is a fine line between observing and acknowledging the hurt, and obsessing over it (not suggesting you're obsessing). If one has cut out the dysfunction from their life, then it no longer exists. It's gone. Finished. There is no more "clingy and manipulative" stuff going on.

But to cut out the dysfunction, and then continue to recreate it and bring it into reality by labeling it as such, is to prevent the possibility of healing it at some point. What is past, is past. And the past and what happened, doesn't exist on one very real level. But whenever it is brought up that this person was clingy and manipulative, they become all that again. The past is dragged forward into the present, and once again becomes the present reality.

Don't ever think you must resolve things with an abuser. You can get on with your life without them and be very happy. But there is no hope of ever resolving anything with them, if that's what you wish, if they are continually thought of as someone who abuses. Because they will always be an abuser then.

Maybe the most important thing to keep in mind: karma. This is the mother you chose. This is something you chose for yourself in spirit, before coming to earth. You asked for it. It's your lesson. One day we learn to say thank you even to those who were involved in our unhappier life lessons. I call it the Judas realization. Jesus wouldn't have been the savior hero if Judas hadn't played his karmic part as well. Poor Judas... helps save the world yet look what everyone says about him. Re-envisioning Judas and his role in this light... now we're talking true understanding, which naturally and easily leads to empathy.