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Old 01-06-2011, 07:25 PM
Posts: n/a
Laughter: The Best Medicine

You think English is easy???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stirUPtrouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special..

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUPalmost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. I f you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP..

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.........it is time to shut UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
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Old 02-06-2011, 08:46 AM
Posts: n/a
Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross
the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right
from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me..

The problem we have here is that
this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on
'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER
SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help
him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW'

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road..

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price

dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but
why it crossed I've not been told.

To die in the rain. Alone.

Because the chicken was gay!
Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .. ... .. ..

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of

I invented the chicken!

Did I miss one?

**** CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

Why are all the chickens white?
We need some black chickens
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Old 02-06-2011, 08:54 AM
Posts: n/a
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'


In a Podiatrist's office:

Time Wounds All Heels.


On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels


At a Proctologist's door:

To expedite your visit, please back in.


On a Plumber's truck:

We Repair What Your Husband Fixed


On another Plumber's truck:

Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!


On a Church's Billboard:

7 days without God makes one weak.


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

Invite us to your next blowout.


At a Towing company:

We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.


On an Electrician's truck:

Let Us Remove Your Shorts


In a Nonsmoking Area:

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.


On a Maternity Room door:

Push. Push. Push!


At an Optometrist's Office:

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.


On a Taxidermist's window:

We really know our stuff.


On a Fence:

Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!


At a Car Dealership:

The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.


Outside a Muffler Shop:

No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!


At the Electric Company

We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.


In a Restaurant window:

Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in

and get fed up.


In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

Drive carefully! We'll wait...


At a Propane Filling Station:

Thank heaven for little grills.


And don't forget the sign at a


Best place in town to take a leak


Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
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Old 02-06-2011, 12:28 PM
Posts: n/a
Bush Mimic
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Old 04-06-2011, 03:04 PM
Posts: n/a

When a panel of doctors was asked their opinion on the proposed
Universal Health Care program, here's what they had to say:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised
not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their

hands off the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologist s felt
the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole
idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say anything.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some *** in the
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Old 04-06-2011, 03:37 PM
Free Bird
Posts: n/a
Lol These are great!
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Old 04-06-2011, 03:48 PM
Mathew James Mathew James is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 837
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Originally Posted by astroboy
Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!...

.....AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

Did I miss one?

**** CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

Why are all the chickens white?
We need some black chickens

The chicken is standing in the middle of the road waiting for everyone to come togeter in one place so that the driver of the truck will see the chicken and stop...

light is as a pillar on which is a lamp -- the lamp is in a glass, the glass is as it were a brightly shinning star -- lit from a blessed olive tree,
neither eastern nor western, the oil whereof gives light, though fire touch it not -- light upon light: The Light:35
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:14 PM
sound sound is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 7,583
  sound's Avatar
A young girl attempts to get on the bus with her Chihuahua.
The bus driver says ---- "I'm sorry but unfortunately you cant board the bus with a dog'.
The young girl says ---'It is a Seeing Eye dog' ...
The bus driver says 'No, it is a Chihuahua'
And the young girl says "Is it really? Well I got ripped off then didn't I"
Many footfalls hollow out a pathway ....
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Old 05-06-2011, 01:25 AM
Gracey Gracey is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 10,962
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good stuff here....

read this joke to my boys today...

why did the rooster cross the road?
to prove he wasn't chicken.
Love yourself...
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:45 PM
Posts: n/a
Please don't laugh:

This is a story about four people named
Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
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