Compassion for those who resent you

[gravitysrainbow]

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of aspects of Buddhism should be incorporated into my own spiritual beliefs. However, I'm having trouble with compassion for others - especially the people who resent me for my creation of healthy personal boundaries. I don't want to be a martyr but I also don't want to be apathetic. This issue is an opportunity for growth and I deeply feel that I need to do the right thing when it comes to others' hostility. From a Buddhist perspective, this angry person needs my compassion. However, at the same time, am I supposed to preserve my personal, healthy boundaries or abandon them? The boundaries are there for a reason - so that others do not impede on my privacy and do not drain my energies. Buddhism is not about separation though... It's about unity and no distinction between your own needs and the needs of others, right? I feel like I've reached a paradox! Maybe I'm not looking at the big picture, or maybe I need a different perspective. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Gratefully yours,
J. L.

Originally Posted by gravitysrainbow

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of aspects of Buddhism should be incorporated into my own spiritual beliefs. However, I'm having trouble with compassion for others - especially the people who resent me for my creation of healthy personal boundaries. I don't want to be a martyr but I also don't want to be apathetic. This issue is an opportunity for growth and I deeply feel that I need to do the right thing when it comes to others' hostility. From a Buddhist perspective, this angry person needs my compassion. However, at the same time, am I supposed to preserve my personal, healthy boundaries or abandon them? The boundaries are there for a reason - so that others do not impede on my privacy and do not drain my energies. Buddhism is not about separation though... It's about unity and no distinction between your own needs and the needs of others, right? I feel like I've reached a paradox! Maybe I'm not looking at the big picture, or maybe I need a different perspective. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Gratefully yours,
J. L.

First of all if you need bounderies, you have more inner work to do. You are allowing your emotions to get the best of you, you bite the hook. There are people whom I still have boundaries, they are great teachers, teaching me patience, loving kindess, and they show me where my own weaknesses are. The problem is not with them, it is with me. You can still have compassion from a distance, but in order to grow you will need to learn how to get that space you need within yourself between your thoughts and emotions. You must work on your own needs first. As the instructions on any airliner "you must put the oxygen mask on you first before assiting others". The same is with compassion. If you have no control over you own thoughts/mind, how can you help others? Be kind to yourself, the space will come when you have that mask on and are able to give help to others. Keep meditating on it, see where they get to you, start creating that space, know what sets you off, and let it go. This is how I am working on it.

Best of luck to you.

[CSEe]

Dear gravitysrainbow , in my current understanding , Buddhism is a natural process of all living or non -living travelling naturally back into the original condition of nothingness ......so for a human , is a natural process that one will awaken to realize own existence , the cause of own existence by realization on emotion .......so as one awaken to Buddhism concept , one will realized that the emotion is the cause of existence for human and as he travel into this realization , all his emotion like desire , love , greed , fear , hate etc will be gradually and naturally reduced .....as his attachment on the emotion decreases , he will realized that all living or non-living is same ...he is same as any human , any animal , plant , micro-orgsm , or non-living like rock , wood , pen , Coca-Cola can , dust etc ..........and he will realized that he is always alone in the journey of his choice on his will in his world ...and he realized that nothing is owned by him nor family , material or "his" body is never belong to him.......he will realized that there is no relationship , no special love to anyone or anything , no special emotion for any one of " enemy" or "love one"...as he will realized all is same ......he will realized beyond knowledge , beyond good or bad , beyond right or wrong , beyond true or false ...he will realized that all actions , happening is actually a great learning / discovering source for his self realization .....and he will realized that nothing could hurt him except his own emotion .......and in such condition , he will treat all with same emotion ...he will treat the dog in the street same manner as his daughter with same emotion ........so all his action is not resulted by desire but is actually reflection of the condition he in ...........in such condition , perhaps human could closely name it as " compassion".....so in my current understanding of Buddhism , compassion is not resulted from desire or emotion but is a condition being less attachment on emotion ...I hope to debate with all for my better understanding

[sunsoul]

I think this is a lesson for you, and something to reflect on. Remember, relationships and perceptions are dynamic, so how you see and interact with this person will more than likely change in the future (maybe near future). The iceberg might melt. As you work on compassion or loving kindness (metta) things will develop both internally and externally... Just keep at it, and keep sending out some love.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Mrs Merrieweather

You must work on your own needs first.
If you have no control over you own thoughts/mind, how can you help others?
Be kind to yourself, the space will come when you have that mask on and are able to give help to others.

All the required wisdom and worth repeating!

[knightofalbion]

I think this, more than anything, represents the yardstick of your spirituality.
It's easy to feel love for those who are kind to us or compliment us.
And by the same token, those who have perceived physical beauty certainly have a head start in gaining our affections.

Feeling love for those who are unkind to us or do us wrong is not so easy.
Likewise those who are less aesthetically appealing to the eye and that part of Creation which is small and at first glance seemingly insignificant.

There is in the Dhammapada a saying, as is always the case with the greatest of wisdom, it is very simple yet profound - 'All creatures fear before danger, life is dear to all' (some translations use the word 'tremble' instead of 'fear' but the meaning is the same).

I think the words need to stand alone to hit home, but when they do ...
One's view on every living thing takes on a different perception.
And if your light illumines the small how can it not illumine the big also?

That doesn't mean you won't ever get angry! You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
But compassion is variable. It can be expressed in kindness, through words and deeds, or it can also be expressed in silence, through tolerance, through biting the tongue or not returning unkindness in retaliation.

Some people have 'issues' ...They may not be very nice. But ask yourself why? Maybe a deep sorrow about something or a lack of love.
When someone has caused anger to well in your heart, remember that.
(Even if there is nothing, if it just comes from spite, well, karma will sort things out, all in the fullness of time.
"It'll all come out in the wash" as a very dear friend of mine used to say.)

If you visualize a person weeping bitterly that can help anger in one's heart to subside.

And when you stand back - and I think I am as guilty as anyone of doing this - you see that those little battles and skirmishes of life that seemed so significant at the time, in the grand scheme of things, are just ridiculous.

Kindness is all that matters.

[Tobi]

There was someone who resented me, and who was very unfair to me in the past, about 10 years ago, (unwarranted, as far as I could see) and to certain others as well (though not all, as many liked her.)

I didn't think about 'compassion' towards her in those days, but my deep rooted instincts couldn't wish her harm. So I simply distanced myself from her and more or less completely forgot about her.
Then the other day I went to her memorial service, mainly to support her family whom I like. It was a lovely service, and had more effect on me than some services do. Not only that, but there was a feeling of grace about the service and the wake afterwards...and I also kept getting a feeling of real joy and friendship whenever I thought of this woman! A very lovely thing.
It was strange and somewhat unexpected, and I silently sent her love and best wishes from my heart.
It was as if she was actually present...though I am not clairvoyant enough to know technically, if she was or not. But I felt a graceful 'touch' from her spirit in a way, and all I could think of was that lovely atmosphere about the memory of her!

I sensed she was trying to convey the change we go through when we pass over, and how much more refined we can become.

It faded as soon as I left the gathering a few hours later. In fact, it disappeared entirely, which made me think she was presiding in some way over the gathering, but not needing to connect with me afterwards.

That event completely dissolved any possible feelings I could have harboured of disharmony!