How do I make peace with being single?

[astralsuzy]

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Hi.
Can anyone give some advice? What can I do to learn to accept and appreciate being single?

As you found out, reading books did not help you. Trying to convince yourself to accept being single did not help as well. All those things will not help you because you really want a relationship. You are wasting your time in trying. Nothing will help you. You want it badly and you cannot change that. That is part of you. You could try and change that you are desperate. I would not like to go out with someone that appears to be desperate. That would be a turn off. Once you let go of not trying too hard to get a girlfriend and not being desperate, you should find it a lot easier to attract girls. Go out, have fun and be yourself. If you do that you will attract a lot more people. I read that you do not want advice to have fun and be yourself. Well, there is no other way.

You are looking for another person to replace the void or emptiness within. This is why it has not been satisfying. You can end up in a relationship, and they may temporarily fill the void and emptiness, but this will wear off over time. What you have to do is find some hobbies which may lead to some fulfillment, and then when you are a whole and complete person, the universe will put someone in your path who is a good fit.

[John Elessar]

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Thanks for the advice. But I have tried that.

Once or twice a year I get the idea: "Hey, why not try online dating again?" Then, over a period of maybe a month, I send off maybe 200 letters, get about 10 rejections and maybe one date (that does not lead to a second date). Then I remember: "Oh, right. That's why I stopped last time I tried online dating."

Anyway: Thanks for the reply, but I am not looking for dating advice. I am looking for advice on how to feel non-desperate. Online dating generally makes me feel MORE desperate because it makes me focus my attention on my loneliness and failure.

Narrowcast if you are doing to do any online dating. The big sites are far to general for my tastes; find a group which matches your interests, and go with that. Most people at such sites are much more serious than at the big ones.

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Can anyone give some advice? What can I do to learn to accept and appreciate being single?

I think you just need to relax & accept being a human ...
All people are born with instinct/innate behavior that drives us from an early age to connect with a living body (human or animal) and continue to do so till we have satisfied our needs ...
Which could also lead to chosing to be single once we have learned from the experience having gone full circle ...
Not only do we want companionship, we want sex, we want to procreate, we want someone to share our life with who will be a part of our live & remember us/our history after we are dead, dead & gone ...

Desperation impedes progess; loneliness can be overpowering ...
A pet can will fill the void & calm desperation by keeping your attention focused on him/her as you invest your time in nursing a pet rescue &/or raising, building trust & training him/her ...
Or get a hobby that demands public attention ...
Gotta love a man w/a muscle car, no kidding, even still at my age ...
Believe me, the ugly as well as the old crusty men get hit on big time ...
There are women out there who have a thirst for feeling/controlling the power of a fast car, but not all want to drive one ...
I still dream of driving any type of vehicle even an El Camino w/a stock or modified big block Chevy 454 engine - no drag racing though; too much power for me to handle ...
However, I'd easily take a Cleveland 351 or hemi manual v6 (more torque than an 8cyl) w/an overhead cam plus tach & hand brake. A tachometer lets a driver know the rpms; a camshaft (OHC) allows for better engine performance which is always good for racing ...
An engine needs to be revved up to a certain amount of rpms to burn rubber in 1st gear while holding the clutch down hand brake up ready to fire off the line ...

I was at a car show last night talking w/a number of gals around your age ...
They knew alot about different years/types of cars, of course, they were primarily focused on muscle or cute girly cars just like myself ...
While watching the car parade a sweet 25-ish gal leaned over to tell me the suspension was wrong on the muscle car passing by us; my mechanic son mentioned the same thing to me earlier in the day about the same car ...
In our youth, my deceased husband had a '67 Mustang & I had a '69 GTO - both stock, but of course, looking bad**s w/Gabrielle hijackers ...
My goat could take down & put to shame my husband's pony any time ...
Both sold to go to college ... (stupid! stupid! stupid! - I should've just sacrificed more to keep it!)
I heard a guy I went to school w/40 years ago still has his Mustang Cobra (piece of ****!) - its parked in the garage & only driven a few miles on Sundays ...
His sons who are in their 30's are not allowed to touch it, drive it or look at crossed eyed --- smart dad ...
I still swear to this day his engine was modified b/c I could never beat him in my GTO w/stock --- never ever should've ended that way for a goat ...
That creep never allowed anyone to look under his hood; I ever see it again I'll dive underneath it to confirm my suspicions ...

I hope I've answered your questions & given you something to think about ...
Get off the meditation mat or from behind the computer to go out there & live your life!

[whitelotus]

hey spectrum,

what i have learnt is......
when u start loving urself ...... then u actually start attracting people.
When i am taking good care of me and people around me....people keep coming to my life....but when i start looking for them ...they just vainsh....

more you get attched to something.......it gets away....

just pay more attentionto ursle...and make new friends...it will be good if they are also single.......


you will be able to accept urself as single...

Whitelotus is bang on

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

Go out, have fun and be yourself. If you do that you will attract a lot more people. I read that you do not want advice to have fun and be yourself. Well, there is no other way.

Originally Posted by spiritspark8

What you have to do is find some hobbies which may lead to some fulfillment, and then when you are a whole and complete person, the universe will put someone in your path who is a good fit.

Originally Posted by livingkarma

Get off the meditation mat or from behind the computer to go out there & live your life!

OK, so by now many people have told me that I need to be active and focus on my hobbies. That is nice, but the problem is that I have tried that. There have been several periods in my life (of months or years) where I focused my energy on my hobbies and did not try to chase girls. It did not solve my problem It made me happy part of the time, but there was always that lingering pain. I "knew" that my life was missing something vitally important.

I could be happy as long as I kept my mind on other matters. But every time I was reminded of the fact that there exist such things as romance and sex, I felt pain because I wasn't having it and it seemed that I could not get it. And whenever I talked to a girl I liked, my neediness would resurface (except in exceptional cases, like when I was having had an exceptionally good day AND I was drunk).

So, to summarize: Distancing myself from the hunger (by immersing myself in my hobbies) has not cured the pain. Attempting to feed the hunger (by chasing girls) has not cured the pain either. Hence I believe that I need to do something else. I suspect that I need to "face" this neediness somehow. I don't know what that means or how I do that, but I suspect (or hope) that soul-searching and meditation can help me find an answer to that question.

Another thing, though: I am curious as to why you, spiritspark8 believe that a relationship cannot fill the "void", but a hobby can. Is the kind of happiness produced by a hobby a "better" kind of happiness than that produced by a relationship?

Originally Posted by Spectrum

Another thing, though: I am curious as to why you, spiritspark8 believe that a relationship cannot fill the "void", but a hobby can. Is the kind of happiness produced by a hobby a "better" kind of happiness than that produced by a relationship?

I see it, I get it ...
Read your posts again - only those you wrote ...
You need to find it for yourself ....
All I can say is the worst period of my life was in my twenties, one step forward, 10 back ...
Trying to further my education, expand my spirituality, raise a child, working odd jobs $2.75/hrly, etc ...
The answers were always in front of me but I couldn't see it till I engaged in life w/full abandon as I had in my teens ...

Like Mick says: Got to roll me, call me the tumbling dice, keep on rolling ...

[astralsuzy]

I understand how you feel because I was like that. I really wanted a relationship but it did not happen. I knew if I stayed home I would not meet anyone. I did not have any problems getting a relationship. My problem was finding the right person. Eventually I did find the right person but it took a lot of time. It can get disappointing not meeting the right person but I tried not to think about it or worry about it. I knew it would not do any good. We advise you to go out and have fun because if you do not meet anyone, at least you had fun on the way. Someone suggested to do a hobby. That is good advice but you have to enjoy that hobby. If you enjoy something, you do not tend to think of relationships as much. It does not have to be a hobby, it could be a sport, bush walking, cycling or anything that gives you pleasure. You feel happier within yourself. When people see you having fun and not desperate you are likely to attract people. A lot of the times you may not meet anyone. It is no good trying to convince yourself you want to stay single. As I said before, it will not work. Eventually you will most likely meet someone. If you are overweight, you could try to make yourself more attractive by losing weight. If there is anything else you could do to make yourself more attractive that will increase your chances in going out with girls. You may be good looking so you will not have to worry about it. I have to work on myself. My hair goes grey so I dye it. I try to keep myself slim.

[psychoslice]

Actually my question would be, how to find peace in a relationship, esspeically a married relationship ?.