How to be alone

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by sky123

SD do you love yourself ?
Don't answer if you think I am prying

Not on any physical level, as I don't love any concept or egoic structure or notion of 'myself' as it pertains to any material awareness. I'm totally detached from all that.

I love that which is in my heart though...at the very core of my being, as present both within and without until that distinction no longer exists...but it's been a while since I actually felt it to the fullest capacity, only getting warm reminders of it occasionally.

I don't mind the 'prying' and I will open up if others allow me that opportunity as you have just done.

[sky]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Not on any physical level, as I don't love any concept or egoic structure or notion of 'myself' as it pertains to any material awareness. I'm totally detached from all that.

I love that which is in my heart though...at the very core of my being, as present both within and without until that distinction no longer exists...but it's been a while since I actually felt it to the fullest capacity, only getting warm reminders of it occasionally.

I don't mind the 'prying' and I will open up if others allow me that opportunity as you have just done.

I was wondering if you feel unworthy of Shiva's love when I read your post regarding reminding you that ' Shiva loves you ' Just a thought.

BTW SHIVA LOVES YOUUUUUU. ♡♥

[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by sky123

I was wondering if you feel unworthy of Shiva's love when I read your post regarding reminding you that ' Shiva loves you ' Just a thought.

BTW SHIVA LOVES YOUUUUUU. ♡♥

Namaste.



It's not that I feel 'unworthy'...nothing like that, more like I am too wrapped up in giving it than receiving or sharing it.

It's kinda one-sided...and those times it does get reciprocated (or I fully surrender to it), I end up an incomprehensible, babbling fool. So, I try and avoid that by keeping in my brainbox. lol

I need to find that balance within.

You're a precious soul, sky.

[sky]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Namaste.



It's not that I feel 'unworthy'...nothing like that, more like I am too wrapped up in giving it than receiving or sharing it.

It's kinda one-sided...and those times it does get reciprocated (or I fully surrender to it), I end up an incomprehensible, babbling fool. So, I try and avoid that by keeping in my brainbox. lol

I need to find that balance within.

You're a precious soul, sky.

But you can't give SD what you haven't recieved, otherwise the vessel will be empty

Yes you do have to find the right balance otherwise the scales will tip.
You have so much to offer you need to take what Shiva offers you, nobody likes to give gifts that are not accepted.

[Shivani Devi]

Devoid of ego, what is it that experiences this love? but the love experiencing itself in awareness of the love that it is and yet existing beyond it as love within essence of all that is love? Mutual acceptance into vessels simultaneously empty and full from mutuality to unity to beyond the unifying quanta...love's ecstasy compounded, rebounded...fractal emanations immeasurable into anonymous autonomy and the non-being of being that love in and of itself - Shiva permeates matter dissolving energy into love's expression...effulgent within effulgence the continuum waveform...surge without lull...arising without fall...simultaneous inclusion, exclusion...nothing...everything...neverything. Love.

Soham Soham Shivoham

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Dear Gem, thank you so much for that.

I deeply appreciate the time it took you to explain all that to me when you're usually a guy of a few words, getting straight to the point, no more, no less. Some of it 'flew overhead' but there is something which deeply resonated:



This is the life-lesson for me.

People go on about having the 'free will' to do whatever they want, believing God gave it to them...but maybe it's just the ego which believes it.

To me, what people imagine as God isn't the same as It, yet there is a tremendous outpouring of love, called bliss - as It's nature.

I too, believed I had this 'free will' thing but countless times I have noticed that whenever I try to exert it contrary to 'Divine Will' I am in mountains of suffering and pain.

Tru dat.

One may argue that even 'free will' is 'Divine Will' as nothing happens independent from God's 'master plan' and we are only under the illusion that it does...yet, others know that if they 'over fertilise' the seed...i.e. keep feeding it with bulls***, the seed gonna die.

Whilst others plant the seed, dig it up every few days to see if it has 'sprouted' yet and kill it that way.

I'm not an 'imagined enlightened being' but at the same time, I must realise that my ego can't keep intervening without consequence, creating more kamma (karma) which will affect me in subsequent rebirths within this lifetime meanwhile, God is saying "yeah, I know you LOVE me, but how much do you actually TRUST me?" and it becomes like one of those 'Indiana Jones moments' when going for the Holy Grail.

Yes trust is like the essence of surrender, I suppose.

I had the direct experience of trying to assert my own 'free will' over God's will today itself...and I'm still experiencing dukkha due to this:

Indeed, and that is a very nuanced subject.

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showpost.php?p=1673626&postcount=18

Yeah, I'm aware...but my ego isn't allowing the Soul/Self to actually rest in that whole awareness...only giving me 'times' of nibbana and non-nibbana which I know seems kinda contradictory.

How refreshing to see the real life being told instead of the 'should be' spiritual ideals and ultimate truths.

I also know that if I went to a Shiva temple, I'd feel more 'at home' and 'recognised' as I do...and yeah, the world is a 'Shiva temple' and so is my heart...but associating with those of 'similar spiritual persuasion' seems to be a great place to start in the practical sense.

Good idea to go to places where the metta vibe is well established. I am not a religious person, but the feeling in the Church space is very similar to the ashram environment, or the temple grounds. In the ashram I have attended the teachers perform a cleansing ceremony for the meditation hall. I have been invited to attend these and it's a tangible energy in purifying the space.

There are things I know...things I have felt...things I understand and have experienced...and you know that too, Gem and yet, I seek to find a practical application within this existence instead of letting it just be and being satisfied and fulfilled with that.

One could even say, I have realised the whole point of my existence, but not the purpose of it and that is my dilemma.

I have the view that it isn't ethical to 'use it' in any influential way, and it seems better to open the space for allowance, and those things in us are held in there for reasons, and they have to come out at some time, and making so that it's OK for them to come through is enough. When the reason to hold it goes away, then they could come through, but the expectation that it should come through is reason enough that it shouldn't.

For myself, there is metta, and I suppose it could be directed to a particular person, but I don't do it or make it happen. It first came up after a lots of serious meditation, so it's just the consequence of the purification I underwent, which itself is the consequence of my mindful equanimity. I only have concern with the equanimity in the moment, within in the process of this experience. I'm not concerned with results, but I understand the positive consequences - but equanimity with the process of 'this' leaves me only in the moment.