Not sure what this is

[loopylucid]

Hi emma :) I found myself in a mirror situation of yours after I lost my mum, gave birth to my son 2 months later, fell pregnant 2 months after that then lost my baby to, Everything dropped out of me, everything. Id spent 25 odd years doing readings, healing, learning, growing and suddenly, nothing, zip! It devastated me, I completely empathise with you.
I wrote up my whole experience, far to long to share here, but I wil some which maybe relevant, but have you considered writing this out?

I will copy one part which might relate with you and hopefully also give you if only a little piece of mind, that whats going on, can end up being one of the most liberating and freeing experiences, once the road has been travelled.

I do believe in grief, especially grief which has been repressed or is so completely painful we bring in damage limitation mind sets, this aspect of ourself doesn't ever go, but it comes to a neutral place, so that what we really need to focus on, which at these points is our own good selves! is allowed the space to be.

What I came to realise as I have the gift of looking back now, is although at points it was like nothing atall was happening, on a much deeper soul level, so much work and growth was being done, like a behind the scenes show, its only when the curtains pulled back we can really look and see what wonders have happened!

Here is the piece I wrote at this time, I hope in some small way it may give you faith, that when we think were down to absolutely nothing, we can be certain spirit and soul are upto something ;)

spirituality'.. im starting to not even like the word!.. because before i kinda felt that if i read someone elses truth and it resonated with me, that could then be my truth, it felt right, it made sense, i could IMAGINE how it works, despite the relationship to the experience of getting it not being there! That if a part of some other truth than what id experienced has aspects or parts that were suggesting truth for me, then somehow what was missing from experience to make it complete and my own whole truth, id search out those experiences, acting them out seeing how they fitted in the scenes of my life and often was very satisfied with this! Soon after this i began to question my motives here, was i infact just being a 2nd hand cast of my own experiences!! ....hmmmm!!

Obe is the only thing I held onto, but it works with anything you experience versus want to/desire to, am sure i do etc!!! Here i am the experience, which cant be influenced by other peoples thoughts, opinions, beliefs, ideas, critisisms or indeed truth of... if its questioned it doesnt even care, it doesnt question back, if anything its likely to smile and just move on... with no detremental causings. It never changes the experience, unlike some of the truths i thought i had which could get knocked about all over the place by people and ideas, theorys and essentially myself! I began to think hold on.... if this is truth, whats making anything shake it...what does this hold that the rest of my beliefs dont.. it was the I am part...
So out of maybe 100 things i thought i knew as my truth, maybe 10% remain in tact after this wall bashing exercise...10% that you could quite literally laugh in my face for and they wouldnt even flutter. I dont feel at home in the same places i was just weeks ago, they no longer serve me any purpose although they potentially hold the way forward too finding my truth that fits in with this set or that set..or doesnt... they cant give me truth, infact im starting to understand nothing can except its experience, i can get inspired, i can get motivated and uplifted by everything else, but its like living in a shadow to me now, but it has felt a very comfortable curtain for years and years now. Its a shocking process this one im very quiet to say the least even in my physical world at the moment..
I will also point out those 10% of truths happened beyond any situations i set up to encourage spiritual awareness... the 10% of things that probably only make up 2-3 'catergorys' and ive stopped looking for more, I dont think they come as often as we think they should either so we crave more...or we want it now etc etc or even as you say get to the point where we think whats the point in looking....... and thats ok, not to say we cant help the search with everything we do, neither am i saying this is the case and will resonate as i see it for any other person alive! im starting to really believe.. just as you say here in a roundabout way, is it about seeking them out or just being still and watching for when its truth graces us? and when it does however long or shorta period of time that is, does this make whats happening now any less...???
What im starting to understand is maybe truth finds us,, but were impatient!!
I often wonder how our pursuits for this truth can send our spirits running around in circles like this, i often laugh at myself and my own behaviours and ideas in this light! I also wonder sometimes what the point of shedding my inner light serves in accordance with other people, when it cant be theirs.. i feel a little like ive tried to take control of the truth, adapting to fit in and wonder why im now left disillusioned, i also wonder if ive felt a little like not knowing the truth, especially considering so many people seem to, made me less spiritually valid, made me less spiritual. But it doesnt, and not having mindblowing experiences every day doesnt cause otherwise im starting to think what would exactly be the point of all this from that perspective, i dont want to live waiting for the next spiritual experience anymore, i think i want to see what happens when you dont now. All i do know is my soul just got undressed again lol ;)
Thats my rambles on it, probably wont help (lol) but this topics close to my heart at the moment so thankyou for sharing and allowing me to :)


So there i stand, none of this joining in a significant way for me to each other, the more shallow yeh everythings connected kinda view, most of this change im feeling seems to just of happened on a far deeper level than i got, but i realised i had questioned everything, been left with very little after! but i was ok.... i suddenly felt relaxed not scurrying round these beliefs id had to defend or protect, what i was left with i had attempted to demolish aswell and it just didnt happen, laughed in my face! But i was ok, not to be as id put it, this myriad of seperate things, my rituals went cause they were just ways to access me, i already had me! My asking for spiritual help in my areas in life that were heartbreaking and taking every ounce of strength from my heart, stopped, i didnt feel the need to ask, it was obvious, it was already there, was i aware tho? im starting to see i dont need to ask, i only need to be aware. But still i thought ok but whats the point in this...


(not long after these writings something truly amazing happened, and I wish the same for you to emma, don't battle this is my advice, the void, is an awesome place from which all potentials grow, its just asking you to heal first your heart )

Loopy

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Loopy, Jyotir and Naturesflow for trying to help and understand! Loopy I will print out your post, for some reason I struggle to concentrate on long posts on screen. Thank you for sharing so much. I wish I could write about mine but that seems to have left me too. The overriding feeling I'm having is that there is no comfort in my spirituality anymore. Whereas during many difficult periods in my life it was always there giving life meaning and purpose, it isn't any longer. Or at least, I don't feel it is. That is why the pain and depression is so acute - I feel there is literally no meaning in anything. I'm quite a lonely person at heart which has NEVER helped, but I've always found connection in spirituality. Not any longer. It isn't there. I know I probably need to go within, but the feeling of loss extends to myself. I'm not sure what it's all been for.

Sorry it's all rather depressing but I'm trying to voice my feelings and thoughts somehow, it may help.

[barrynu]

Originally Posted by Emmalevine

Sorry it's all rather depressing but I'm trying to voice my feelings and thoughts somehow, it may help.

YES.it will help to express your feelings.

I got very angry with the spiritual stuff a few times.The worst time I deleted Everything spiritual on my laptop,ebooks,recorded channelings,videos and all my own writing.I burned all the stuff i had on paper,including certificates of spiritual courses i had done.I was so angry and it felt sooo good to turn my back on it all......I was a big release of anger towards spiritual stuff that i had not expressed.

I came back to my path quite quickly but i had changed...I wasnt searching anymore i was just "being" without expecting anything from my spiritual life.
So i say to you express all of your feeling that you are having now completely,feel the sadness fully,get mad and leave it all behind if that feels good...voice all your feelings and thoughts and let them be heard.

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Barry. Interesting you say about anger as I think there's a lot of anger within me, perhaps not at my spirituality per se, but at stuff that has happened. A lot has been dealt with, but it does crop up repeatedly when I'm vulnerable.

It makes sense that you returned to your path without expectations. Maybe this is about letting go of what I expect spirituality and indeed my life to be, a peeling away of all the layers to get to a state of being. Who knows.

Today is better. Not massively, but the black cloud has lifted. It's a relief.

[barrynu]

Originally Posted by Emmalevine

Today is better. Not massively, but the black cloud has lifted. It's a relief.

Brilliant!!!

What happened with me was the tough times got shorter and the good times got longer........The anger needs to be released so next time it pokes it head out,go with it,,just dont take it out on your laptop like i did

[keokutah]

Originally Posted by Emmalevine

Thank you for all the thoughts. I'm going to try and trust where I'm at and what the Divine wants of me. Problem is, I've been feeling very depressed all weekend, not just down but genuinely depressed again. Its a 'chasing my own tail' situation because I'm desperate to find a way out and it feels like there isn't one. I tried to meditate but couldn't concentrate; in the end I chose a pre recorded guided meditation focusing on a beautiful sandy beach on a desert island. Very nice.

My dream last night was quite explanatory. I was on board a coach on route to St Ives in Cornwall (never been IRL) and suffering from severe travel sickness due to forgetting to take my travel sickness pill. My luggage was on a train whilst I had for some reason decided to take the much longer route by coach. The female driver wasn't very friendly but I begged her to stop at a chemist so I could buy some pills. She was reluctant at first, then said 'will you need a doctor if I don't' and I replied 'I would imagine so, yes.' I was feeling very ill so I sort of collapsed onto my side. Finally the coach stopped at some unknown building. I walked in through the side door only to find a hairdressing salon. I asked a hairdresser if she sold the pills and she replied that she did not. Back on the coach. Eventually it stopped outside a large building which on closer inspection I realised was London Victoria station. I knew they would have a chemist. I walked in but still couldn't find one, although there were a lot of food shops around. At some point I woke up.

From this dream I realised that, quite obviously, I'm feeling sick of life, in need of a chemist (alchemist) which is the healer within. Focusing on hairdressers/material stuff isn't productive.

Trusting is very hard when it feels like I've lost everything, but I am trying.

Oh ok, after reading that I need to change my answer. That doesn't sound like depression or stagnation, it sounds like you are feeling disconnected from Source, which can make you downright miserable and unhappy with life.

It's very natural to feel disconnected in your spiritual development. We all have times where we lose faith.

The thing is, you are never truly disconnected from it, that's just how you feel, and the more spiritual you become, the stronger you desire to feel the connection and love of Source.

Using mundane things to fill that empty void in your soul, is going to upset you at this stage in your spiritual development because you know that void can only be filled with Source.

Do things that bring you true joy, that connect you to your higher calling.

The good news is that it is very, very easy to strengthen your faith and the connection to Source.

Sometimes we go through hard periods where we can't hear or see our spirit guides or higher power, maybe even doubting their existence. This is when it is very important to keep the faith.

I know you say you can't meditate right now, but you can still pray. You can still focus on strengthening your faith and trust, with other spiritual things.

When I am in a state where I can't hear my spirit guides and can't concentrate, I always find it very comforting and helpful to do oracle cards. Other people have other ways.

Maybe listen to inspiring spiritual stories, that also usually helps me switch back into feeling connected.

I will share the story my mom told me. Because it is a very powerful story that was able to make me feel connected to my spirituality during a really rough time, and it taught me the meaning of having faith, even when things look dim.

My mom doesn't hear her spirit guides like I do, she simply has faith. And the following is the lesson that taught her to have faith.

My mom and my dad wanted desperately to have children. She prayed to Source every single day for years. But she was unable to get pregnant. They tried everything.
Every day she became resentful towards Source, thinking Source had abandoned her. Source never listened to her prayers, and so she began to doubt her faith. Even when they signed up to adopt a baby, it was a 15 year wait. My mom had totally lost faith during that time. She became so depressed she was feeling suicidal.

They adopted me, and I was very premature. Afterwards, my mom miraculously got pregnant and gave birth to a premature baby.
Unfortunately, the baby died and my mom lost faith even more! But again, she gave birth, and this time she gave birth to my sister, who was extremely premature and could have died any second.
But my mom, from the last experience, was not afraid at all. Most parents would have been terrified and probably wouldn't have bonded with a premie baby because they didn't expect her to survive, instead my mom had learned to cherish every single second she had with my sister, loved her and thanked Source for every day that she was alive. The experience of loss taught her to not take a second of life for granted.
My sister survived and grew up to be completely healthy.
She believes now that the only reason she was not able to get pregnant for all that time, was because she was destined to wait and adopt me. I was premature so it gave them some experience in dealing with what was to follow. At the time, they didn't understand "God's" plan for them and they lost faith. In hindsight, she understands and has always trusted in Source and never loses faith.