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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Soulmates & Twin Flames

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  #1  
Old 15-09-2016, 10:42 PM
Kalika Kalika is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 413
 
LO or TF or both?

I have had years of trying to digest different theories and I keep coming back to TF. I'm not saying I have a TF though I have experienced something that resembles it.

From runner/chaser
Turning my world upside down, inside out
Changing me as a person
Growing me
Hate/Love - both very intense, more than what one can endure at times
Crushing me
Cat/mouse games
Obsession
Becoming numb to it all
To finding clarity, then confusion which repeats in a cyclical manner

None of what I experienced resembles 'love, stability and comfort' like a soulmate gives.


Which leads me to think, that perhaps this person is not my LO (limerent object) or perhaps a combination of TF & LO. Perhaps the reality is that I suffered ambivalent attachment as a child and they have come into my life to trigger this notion, so as to put me on the path of healing?

The odd thing about my experience with this person is that we have never had a physical relationship (and never will). Not even a close or intimate relationship. Just a very intense attraction which makes me wonder if it was just a limerent experience (LE) because I am not entirely sure if they ever felt the same way given I was never able to pin them down for 'that discussion'.

I had a strong sense of a two-way attraction and flirting, though at times wasn't sure if it was all in my head. Hence tossing up between 'was it TF or LO?'

I guess it doesn't matter because if it was my TF then their work is done. I can now question, and face, my own fears of intimacy.

"The truth is that these relationships reflect an unarticulated struggle that exists within the participants. They are both fearful of intimacy and their cat and mouse game allows them to engage in this unspoken dance, where each of them participates in maintaining a certain distance in the relationship. The truth is, unconsciously, the cat is interested in the mouse because it flees, and the mouse is interested in the cat because it chases. As long as one is fleeing and the other chasing, they can each be reassured of a connection between them, but also that a certain distance will be maintained" (thepocketpsychologist.blogspot.co.nz/2009/09/the-fear-of-intimacy-cat-and-mouse)

And to throw the spanner in the works of my questioning mind, I would like to ask you...

Could my TF be here to help steer me onto a path of learning, or are they meant to do more than that?

What I do know is that this is about me, with my TF being the trigger. Your thoughts would be much appreciated
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  #2  
Old 16-09-2016, 06:07 AM
Flameseeker Flameseeker is offline
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I think the best way to determine if it is a twin is to whether your heart chakra aches for this person or did prior to you closing it as if you were rejected you may have closed it, In 37yrs of many loves my heart chakra has only ever ached for one.
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  #3  
Old 16-09-2016, 07:01 AM
Kalika Kalika is offline
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Posts: 413
 
Thanks Flameseeker

I don't believe my heart chakra is closed. How can I tell? Also, I wasn't rejected by LO/TF, we had a relationship where neither of us could develop it for many reasons. 1, we both had partners, and 2, the emotions felt were too intense for us to handle (well it was for me).

I'm struggling to separate limerent object from twin flame, to me they are one and the same.
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  #4  
Old 16-09-2016, 03:47 PM
RedBasket RedBasket is offline
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I came across the language and thought process of Limerance first, long before hearing about twin flames. I used to see the relationship in that context. The work of Pia Melody and love addiction also resonated, as did attachment theories (avoidant, anxious etc.). I did and still do find it helpful to consider brain development (adverse childhoods and emotional neglect shaped our brains and attachment patterns), somatic experience therapy, and the work of Bessel Vander Kohl, but that only goes so far. At one point I thought of it as an emotional affair and went on those affair forums (miserable, stuck, unreflective, depressed people - don't go there!). I even used to read the boards on narcissism, "narcissitic abuse," borderline personality disorder, even sociopaths (is he one!?? am I one?!! we have that strange intensity of the eye thing and generate instant rapport and mirroring - yikes!).

I prefer the model of twin flame to any of the others because twin flame thinking doesn't pathologize this intense love, and it embraces the transformational element of this painful thing.

Also, I think personal insecurity and self worth issues lend to the LO mindset (it is all in my head ... the feelings couldn't possibly be reciprocated ... I'm just delusional and obsessed). I kept questing the reality of this. I kept trying to keep LOVE out of my analysis. But when the spiritual shift toward myself happened, that enabled me to embrace it all, to embrace all actors in this story and trust we all do have empathy for one another, to have faith and hope in the outcome, and to know that it was a healing journey toward source/God/our soul/our profound connection to all.

Good luck with your own personal process of making sense of it all. It is weird, for sure, but you are not alone.
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  #5  
Old 17-09-2016, 03:02 AM
BlueCat BlueCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedBasket
At one point I thought of it as an emotional affair and went on those affair forums (miserable, stuck, unreflective, depressed people - don't go there!). I even used to read the boards on narcissism, "narcissitic abuse," borderline personality disorder, even sociopaths (is he one!?? am I one?!! we have that strange intensity of the eye thing and generate instant rapport and mirroring - yikes!).

I prefer the model of twin flame to any of the others because twin flame thinking doesn't pathologize this intense love, and it embraces the transformational element of this painful thing.

The affairs/love "hurts" forums are just making you feel worse and make you believe everyone was a sociopath, a narcissist...while in reality i know the difference and no, TF isn't one. In these forums they cannot distinguish between real abusive personalities and dysnfunctional relationships that could be fixed if both parties change. A TF connection is the latter. I don't get why nowadays people pathologise intense love, decades ago love that was so strong never was pathologised, people has lost the meaning of it in this oversexualised world. People would tell you to "enjoy" life if you cannot move on from them, like having sex with randoms or forcing to get in another relationship because the love you felt was just "a phase and not true", love for them is true only in the traditional way and sex is super important. We know the sexual part is important but giving it too much importance while you ignore the other aspects is awful. I bet they never felt love on the heart chakra, i think i experienced (maybe) just two times.
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  #6  
Old 17-09-2016, 05:31 AM
Kalika Kalika is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 413
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedBasket
I came across the language and thought process of Limerance first, long before hearing about twin flames. I used to see the relationship in that context. The work of Pia Melody and love addiction also resonated, as did attachment theories (avoidant, anxious etc.). I did and still do find it helpful to consider brain development (adverse childhoods and emotional neglect shaped our brains and attachment patterns), somatic experience therapy, and the work of Bessel Vander Kohl, but that only goes so far. At one point I thought of it as an emotional affair and went on those affair forums (miserable, stuck, unreflective, depressed people - don't go there!). I even used to read the boards on narcissism, "narcissitic abuse," borderline personality disorder, even sociopaths (is he one!?? am I one?!! we have that strange intensity of the eye thing and generate instant rapport and mirroring - yikes!).

I prefer the model of twin flame to any of the others because twin flame thinking doesn't pathologize this intense love, and it embraces the transformational element of this painful thing.

Also, I think personal insecurity and self worth issues lend to the LO mindset (it is all in my head ... the feelings couldn't possibly be reciprocated ... I'm just delusional and obsessed). I kept questing the reality of this. I kept trying to keep LOVE out of my analysis. But when the spiritual shift toward myself happened, that enabled me to embrace it all, to embrace all actors in this story and trust we all do have empathy for one another, to have faith and hope in the outcome, and to know that it was a healing journey toward source/God/our soul/our profound connection to all.

Good luck with your own personal process of making sense of it all. It is weird, for sure, but you are not alone.

Thank you RedBasket! I found this interesting and insightful. I like how you said it embraces the transformational element.

For me, it's not about being with this person. It is about the transformation that came about, and I believe, if I mix in the limerent theory, I may have my answer. The TF theory gives me peace of mind that it was 'just because' and the limerent theory explains it in terms of it being an intense obsession where I have issues to address. Either way, my TF, I believe, came to teach and the lesson was to do further healing or self-help.

So in that sense, it doesn't matter what label it wears, as long as I help myself. My TF is long gone, which then makes me question the purpose other than to drop a bombshell and then fly off into the sunset on their own.

I don't know, but glad I am not alone
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  #7  
Old 17-09-2016, 05:39 AM
Kalika Kalika is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 413
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueCat
The affairs/love "hurts" forums are just making you feel worse and make you believe everyone was a sociopath, a narcissist...while in reality i know the difference and no, TF isn't one. In these forums they cannot distinguish between real abusive personalities and dysnfunctional relationships that could be fixed if both parties change. A TF connection is the latter. I don't get why nowadays people pathologise intense love, decades ago love that was so strong never was pathologised, people has lost the meaning of it in this oversexualised world. People would tell you to "enjoy" life if you cannot move on from them, like having sex with randoms or forcing to get in another relationship because the love you felt was just "a phase and not true", love for them is true only in the traditional way and sex is super important. We know the sexual part is important but giving it too much importance while you ignore the other aspects is awful. I bet they never felt love on the heart chakra, i think i experienced (maybe) just two times.

I wonder what the purpose of the TF is then if they are meant to up and leave. To come and mess things up for personal growth I suppose. I'm still trying to process this. Either way, it happened and I have learnt to move forward. No point in dwelling on the past. I would like to see them, though know it wouldn't solve anything.

And I suppose it is the soulmate that is the one who is the 'one true love' that is stable and long lasting.

Love is stable, friendly, calm, gentle, and long lasting in my eyes, and NOT what the TF brings into the situation. That's just my thoughts though.
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  #8  
Old 17-09-2016, 01:12 PM
jro5139 jro5139 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 987
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatsername
I wonder what the purpose of the TF is then if they are meant to up and leave. To come and mess things up for personal growth I suppose. I'm still trying to process this. Either way, it happened and I have learnt to move forward. No point in dwelling on the past. I would like to see them, though know it wouldn't solve anything.

And I suppose it is the soulmate that is the one who is the 'one true love' that is stable and long lasting.

Love is stable, friendly, calm, gentle, and long lasting in my eyes, and NOT what the TF brings into the situation. That's just my thoughts though.

I thought the purpose of the twin flame was to propel you into spiritual growth, not mess it up! Mine propelled me into spiritual growth and ascension, it didn't mess up my growth although the growth came about from all the pain of the relationship.

Are soulmates always calm, stable and loving? Because none of the people I would describe as soulmates were any of those things. This leads me to wonder, were they even soulmates at all? How can you tell? Also none of them were long lasting, so maybe they were never soulmates but just guys that I had a thing for and had a thing for me? I'm very confused about it.

I'm pretty sure what happened with my tf was/is an emotional affair, it fits everything I've ever read about it, right down to his wife not knowing about me.

Also last night I watched a video about tf and it said you can have a indirect twin flame and a direct twin flame. Has anyone ever heard of this? I never have and I want to know more about it, didn't see much of the video though because I fell asleep but I plan on going back and watching it, sounds interesting and like what might be going on.
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  #9  
Old 17-09-2016, 06:15 PM
Kalika Kalika is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 413
 
Thanks jro5139 for your reply. To answer your first question, I suppose spiritual growth comes out of chaos. Don't quote me though. For me I'm still trying to seperate limerence from twin flame because they seem very similar. Though I suppose it doesn't matter in the end, as long as I'm growing in awareness :)
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  #10  
Old 19-09-2016, 09:06 AM
Kalika Kalika is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 413
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedBasket
At one point I thought of it as an emotional affair and went on those affair forums (miserable, stuck, unreflective, depressed people - don't go there!).

this made me laugh
Okay, I won't go there.
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