Conflicting Feelings about a brother in Christ

I'm just venting right now, so you don't have to read this. I obviously am posting for people to read, but I know that people might get tired of me talking about this subject. I'm sorry if this seems repetative.

I have joined this bible study at my college - the Christian club. I think it is a G-d-send. Being a christian, I have found that it can be lonely and isolating - feeling like you're the only person who is into the bible and serious about the things of G-d. I have already learned some things in the few weeks I've been in the club. I have met some cool people, and it's refreshing to see other (regular) guys who are passionate about G-d.

One of my main goals and reasons for joining is because I wanted a personal bible study partner. By chance, I did happen to meet one of the brothers who is just as passionate as I am. So I told him about my goal and he is on board to be my partner.

Here comes the conflicting part. The first time I saw this guy (before I knew him) I thought that he was a rather attractive guy! I've found out that he is 19y/o (9 years younger than me), but I personally find him very attractive! even more now that I have gotten to experience his awesome mind and personality. We have discussed several biblical subjects. He has alluded to homosexuality, although we didn't go in depth on the discussion. So I know what his stance is; he's against it.

I highly doubt that he has had any inclination that I am homosexual. At least if he has, he hasn't shown that it bothers him. We have exchanged a few texts and conversed via phone briefly. He's been very cool and warm to me, and I find him to be such a very cool person! However, I am now considering backing out of my goal and cutting him off all together, because I am not only finding him cool, but adorable as well. Although I see him as a buddy, another part of me is feeling him romantically. I mean when I say feeling him, I'm going to bed imagining my pillow is him and waking up in the middle of the night fantasizing about him (so embarrassing to admit this). I am becoming infatuated with him. Not that I'm obsessed. I just have a massive crush on him. I've only known the guy for a couple of weeks, and I'm already starting to feel jealous if I see him talking to or walking with or by a female.

So I'm thinking it would be irresponsible on my part to break partnership with him, because we've already established a plan. And of course we don't have any obligations and staying in contact is not something we have to do (I have been the one to initiate the texts messages anyway), but I am personally worried about becoming too attached to him, because I know that something will happen (a non-response to a message, the learning of a girlfriend or fiance', another friend who gets more attention, etc...) that will eventually cause me to feel a sense of abandonement and rejection down the road, and I don't know how I will react to it. But I know it will be painful.

Just the fact that I have these thoughts/feelings conflicts everything that our relationship would be about. I would be such a hypocrite to be reading the bible with him while thinking of making love to him. That doesn't even make sense. Hence my conflicting feelings

[Silver]

Maybe it's a good idea to strike up a friendship and potential bible study partner with someone else from the congregation, so you have an excuse to say to this crush that you're going to study with X for a while. Doesn't matter what our orientation is, having to work closely with someone you have a crush on is very uncomfortable and very distracting. Idk, sooner or later, don't you think he'll catch on, maybe you're hoping he'll be open to experimenting or something like that? That he will fall for you, too? And that's why you might want to search for a church that caters to those of your particular orientation?

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

Maybe it's a good idea to strike up a friendship and potential bible study partner with someone else from the congregation, so you have an excuse to say to this crush that you're going to study with X for a while. Doesn't matter what our orientation is, having to work closely with someone you have a crush on is very uncomfortable and very distracting. Idk, sooner or later, don't you think he'll catch on, maybe you're hoping he'll be open to experimenting or something like that? That he will fall for you, too? And that's why you might want to search for a church that caters to those of your particular orientation?

Thanks for your response.

What you say makes sense. And I would consider partnering with someone else for a while. I actually did ask around before I knew about him. But no one seemed that interested. One brother did outline a study objective with me, which helped me out some. He is a passionate person too, but he's got other things going on - including a fiance' - which would prevent him from sending as much time. I must say that he is also a very attractive guy; he seems like that college jock (6'5 b-ball player) who would have all the ladies throwing themselves at him. I'm honestly surprised that he is as humble as he is, but we have had some good conversations (I enjoy looking at him too). Another brother there - my same age - also has a fiance'. Another mature brother just got married. A few others there don't attend every meeting and seem busy. And they (the leaders) suggested in the beginning that I get another guy, instead of a girl, which I agree with. So a sister is not even in question.

This guy: something in me bore witness with his spirit, and I felt he would agree before I asked him. He's one of those guys who is like the preppie type but dresses down to earth. You can tell he's straight laced, but he's the cool type. As far as my feelings for him, I am hoping that it is just a crush that I will get over. But I'm not going to pretend that a part of me isn't hoping that he will fall for me too and be open to experimenting. So you are right about that. I told him that I admire his passion and felt that he was the best candidate, so I feel it would be kind of rude to ask someone else at this point. And again, I know that neither of us has any obligations in this. It's just studying. And I'm the one who is benefiting the most from it. I just don't want to be inappropriate either way. I suppose I could just be passive in the matter and just study by myself. That's always an option. Because at this point, I do feel that I will want more to come of our frienship.

[Silver]

The thought even crossed my mind that you could become a leader of your own church? I suppose that is a possibility if you don't find a g&l church that is convenient. I have no idea about these things really, but it doesn't mean I don't have ideas, for what it's worth...

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

The thought even crossed my mind that you could become a leader of your own church? I suppose that is a possibility if you don't find a g&l church that is convenient. I have no idea about these things really, but it doesn't mean I don't have ideas, for what it's worth...

Well, I take protocall very seriously. So, I would have to know, definitely, that it is G-d Himself calling me into the ministry, not just because I want to make a name for myself or further my personal agenda(s).

[Silver]

Originally Posted by Fire7

Well, I take protocall very seriously. So, I would have to know, definitely, that it is G-d Himself calling me into the ministry, not just because I want to make a name for myself or further my personal agenda(s).

I understand that. Since you do seem to take your faith/beliefs seriously, I thought it was worth a suggestion since lots of times people think they're not 'good enough' to fill a leader's shoes like that, but sometimes if an idea sits with you for a while and you start to think yeah, I like that idea, then there you go. If not, it was worth giving some thought to.

I don't recall from previous threads, have you looked for g/l places of worship?

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

I understand that. Since you do seem to take your faith/beliefs seriously, I thought it was worth a suggestion since lots of times people think they're not 'good enough' to fill a leader's shoes like that, but sometimes if an idea sits with you for a while and you start to think yeah, I like that idea, then there you go. If not, it was worth giving some thought to.

I don't recall from previous threads, have you looked for g/l places of worship?

No I haven't

[theophilus]

Here is an organization that may be able to help you:

http://www.strengthinweakness.org/0608/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=147&Item id=39

If you become a member you will be able to get in touch with others who are facing the same problems you are. You might even find someone there who has had the same problem you are facing now.

http://www.strengthinweakness.org/0608/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=52&Itemi d=25

What denomination are you? I knda get the feeling your Hebraic or messianic.

Ok, step one is - Take it before the Lord!
Step Two - Listen to God and really hear what he says to you
Step three - Do what God is telling you to do.

Allot of christians I come across never really concieve to do this, however if you walk with Christ each day, and let Him be Your Lord, He will guide you and direct you at all times. Just listen to God and ask Him to help you.

from my point of view it is very difficult to be productive or advance if you let your flesh life rule your spirit. Im a gay pentecostal and know the pit falls well (also i know i have to keep a large part of my life from the church) YOu need an exit from this situation and fast, and you possibly need to find a boyfriend so that you can control your urges in a more christian way. remember that sins of the mind are equal to sins of the flesh and fantasising about this str8 guy isnt healthy.

If you want to chat more please mail or add me to MSN grue _ 18 @ yahoo . com

Your brother in Christ,
Paul.

Originally Posted by grue21

What denomination are you? I knda get the feeling your Hebraic or messianic.

Ok, step one is - Take it before the Lord!
Step Two - Listen to God and really hear what he says to you
Step three - Do what God is telling you to do.

Allot of christians I come across never really concieve to do this, however if you walk with Christ each day, and let Him be Your Lord, He will guide you and direct you at all times. Just listen to God and ask Him to help you.

from my point of view it is very difficult to be productive or advance if you let your flesh life rule your spirit. Im a gay pentecostal and know the pit falls well (also i know i have to keep a large part of my life from the church) YOu need an exit from this situation and fast, and you possibly need to find a boyfriend so that you can control your urges in a more christian way. remember that sins of the mind are equal to sins of the flesh and fantasising about this str8 guy isnt healthy.

If you want to chat more please mail or add me to MSN grue _ 18 @ yahoo . com

Your brother in Christ,
Paul.

I'm am pentecostal too, so we have that in common. I have to create a messenger log-in. when I do, I will add you. Thanks