Shy means...

[Belle]

I went to an all girls school so got little exposure to boys, and I had this strange notion that they were all up to no good, they were lazy, unreliable, liars, cheats - haven't got a clue where that came from.

I overcome shyness by acting a great deal and if there is something, a chemistry then the shyness melts away.

Girlsearching and Belle: You've both made the key realization. If we see that our shyness arises from fear, we can't write ourselves off as being naturally quiet. We can't say we're shy because it's our personality if we realize our shyness is actually fear and that it has an origin in some experience. We can then try to remedy the fear and become more comfortable.

For some people being shy may be a personality trait, but for many it is just the name we give to our social fears.

As you said, Belle, you have overcome it. It has melted away. Don't you feel more comfortable when you are not shy? It must not be a personality trait at all, then. It's really the opposite of your personality.

[shadedragon]

Shyness came with me being picked on when I was little, I remember when I went to one school and always the happiest and loudest, then some kid put his hands around me throat and I shut down, we moved to another school and they taunted me, left me with zero tolerance for anything of the sort on others.
Once I got to high school I began thinking I was self confident. Now I'm beginning to recognize how little self confidence I've had, and how little courage I had to stand up to my mentality.
What led me to this was when I was running the mile. Two weeks prior I had run in 11 min, that day I ran @ 8.30 min. The difference was that I had trailed my sophomore buddy. Three quarters into the run, a thought hit me: this is to fast. I immediately slowed my pace and couldn't catch her. She finished a minute faster, @ 7.30. Suddenly it sank in: it's all in the mind, life is 90% mental
suddenly I woke up and saw what I had missed. Suddenly I saw what was happening.. it clicked and clicked for good. Yeah, sure, shyness still is there, but now I know why, now I can recognize being shy..
you know.. I think it is that fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of old pain, the past..
Thank you, everything.. hug2:

OK, who was the shyest kid on the block?
Think it was you?

Who was listed as "most shy" in their high school yearbook ,
I won that dubious honor.

Since I was a loner, it didn't much faze me.
Girls seemed to like me and guys ignored me, this suited me fine.

Found out I was simply quiet, rather than especially shy.... in college.
But i was terrified of public speaking ......

Performing as a dancer before hundreds was no big issue but informally addressing a group or presenting a paper in class, a real challenge.

I later discovered if one really cares about the topic, it becomes more important than ones self image, and fear-self consciousness subsides.

Much later, doing public readings-mini improvised sermons in church was immensely empowering, as well as later acting lessons.

Where does the fear come from? Can't say...insecurity probably... but facing it certainly minimized it.... and I hugely recommend acting classes as a safe-fun way to expand ones range of comfortable expression. I was interested in filmmaking and felt I should learn something about acting, even though it seemed challenging.

Robert DiNero is a shy guy, by his admission....yet who'd believe it.
And many actors are essentially shy introverts, who lose their self consciousness by becoming someone else.

I still don't care to be the center of attention, and rather have the subject material or role be in the spotlight.
Can't say I loved acting,but being part of a cast is a trip.

Originally Posted by everything

Sure, I can jump in, introduce myself to people, but what is to be done when I seem uninteresting to them? What is to be done about the inner turmoil caused by rejection or by the awkwardness that many "shy" people feel?

Being selective perhaps ..... you already know your interests are atypical, or so it sounds.

Either cultivate some additional interests or seek out those specifically with similar interests .... who are more likely to respect you.

I've met lots of interesting people involved in the arts, my other lifelong love. Most didn't specially care about deeper spiritual realities however.

In fact I only recall one, a painter-sculptor who also had ET connections. We visited weekly, but he rarely directly discussed spiritual realities.
I lived in an artists co-op and he was the only person I really connected with.

[Belle]

Originally Posted by everything

Girlsearching and Belle: You've both made the key realization. If we see that our shyness arises from fear, we can't write ourselves off as being naturally quiet. We can't say we're shy because it's our personality if we realize our shyness is actually fear and that it has an origin in some experience. We can then try to remedy the fear and become more comfortable.

For some people being shy may be a personality trait, but for many it is just the name we give to our social fears.

As you said, Belle, you have overcome it. It has melted away. Don't you feel more comfortable when you are not shy? It must not be a personality trait at all, then. It's really the opposite of your personality.

Hi - I haven't overcome anything, I pretend - that's what acting is all about. I'm shy and I'm also a natural introvert. An introvert is someone who builds up their energy from being on their own - crowds are a drain on energy. It still exists, despite the charade.

The acting - it's part of managing the shyness - not overcoming it.

Originally Posted by Belle

Hi - I haven't overcome anything, I pretend - that's what acting is all about. I'm shy and I'm also a natural introvert. An introvert is someone who builds up their energy from being on their own - crowds are a drain on energy. It still exists, despite the charade.

The acting - it's part of managing the shyness - not overcoming it.

Interesting energy observation I hadn't heard before.

I enjoy being in positive crowds: uplifting concerts, spiritual events where the vibe is loving. It's challenging but trippy for me.
But yeah other places can be overwhelming. like holiday times at malls.

Acting classes, student screen acting, limited pub speaking has given me a confidence of expression nothing else has, as far as being in the "spotlight" and facing-overcoming that fear, knowing I can do this.

I think confidence is the real value of trying such things. Learning one CAN do such things with a certain measure of confidence-courage.
Being in the spotlight isn't something I seek, but know I can do it when needed....like speaking out in meetings when something really needs to be said, and others won't.

Many in acting class were equally reticent, so it was a supportive situation to explore in.

anyway it's a cool topic worth exploring

Originally Posted by shadedragon

I remember when I went to one school and always the happiest and loudest, then some kid put his hands around me throat and I shut down, we moved to another school and they taunted me, left me with zero tolerance for anything of the sort on others.


you know.. I think it is that fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of old pain, the past..
Thank you, everything.. hug2:

I hadn't heard this sort of thing before... and it's enlightening.
How expression can be squashed as a child. As I hadn't recalled witnessing this.
We witness that right here though. Ridicule as a means to silence-dismiss others.

Originally Posted by everything

I heard it said that "shy" is a euphemism for being afraid of people.

That is only apart of the story. Fears attach themselves and in this case utilize people. We are not scared of the people, people trigger us to feel fear. It may seem trivial but it is a very important distinction.

People are in and of themselves neutral. It is the fear lens which distorts them into having force over us. Change the lens and they can appear any way that we like...

So its time to stop hiding behind shyness and recognize it as fear. But to anyone who's been a "shy" person, or to anyone who's known others and helped them, what can be done to quell the fear?

We must begin to separate form from essence.

We might start by looking at ourselves in the mirror. Who is seeing the reflection in the mirror? Quiet awareness or those eyes?

pause....


Could this be a "what" not a who?

If this is form and I witness it, where is my essence?

...

As the process from experiencer to witness takes place. The fear will pass of its own accord.

Sure, I can jump in, introduce myself to people

And say what? We are still in our head. Wrapped up in this idea that those thoughts are us. And they tell us this and that. They debate....LOL oh silly thoughts.

But they're not, we watch ourselves fumble and we laugh because we become non-attached.

But what is to be done when I seem uninteresting to them?

Smile and play a song in our head...people do at times become uninteresting its true, we pretend to listen as much as we are able but sure its all a little awkward, but generally they will come around.

What is to be done about the inner turmoil caused by rejection or by the awkwardness that many "shy" people feel?

It is intense focus faced inward. As social skills develop this excess "anxiety" goes outward with a lens connecting what is seen/experienced to the personal self. We can look at the process in two ways, but both are actually the same thing:

We care way to much about this other person and we need to be a lot more selfish. OR we are being way too self-centred and we need to chill out and let this person have a chance to be themselves.

The rejection we feel is coming from before the interaction begins and we are looking to validate it along the way. Stop it. It just a bloody conversation. When stop it fails, self-deprecating humour might help and if all else fails explain to people the odd jumble of thoughts in your head. People love that neurotic humour and rarely believe it to be real, even though it very much was until we laughed about it.

The awkwardness is the staring, the shutting down when it gets weird. The unease of us not knowing what to do next. So if all else fails, script: "I really don't know what to say to that...so yeah....." or use from the non shy tool-kit, project: "way to make it awkward". Wear life as a loose garment, your in the world but not of it.

Hope that helps get some traction

[Kiran]

Well, I used to have a big problem with approaching people, in general. Especially men, but generally people. I was uncomfortable in large groups. Yes, I was afraid!

It took me a long time and many rejections to get to the point where I can actually walk up to a guy and speak to him. And still, it's an inner struggle at first... :(