Falling out of love?

Illumine · #1 13-09-2011, 03:33 PM

I don't feel that I have anyone to talk to offline about this so I was wondering, since you all seem much wiser than I, I'd appreciate your thoughts :)

I feel like I may be falling out of love with my boyfriend. We've been together nearly two years and it is long distance (but that has not really posed as much of a problem to me, as I've been in one before). He came to visit me over summer and I just feel that something in me almost snapped, like a light switch to my feelings towards him just turned off. Is it worth me really trying to make an active effort to "love" him again or do you think that once it's gone, it's really gone?

I just feel at a loss as to where to go in regards to this relationship. I feel that I just don't know what I want anymore, our communication has been strained since he got home from the summer visit and I just feel very lost and confused. It's very difficult to talk to him about these things because he has depression and is extremely sensitive to any kind of conversation like this so.. anyone have any words of advice for me?

#2 13-09-2011, 04:23 PM

Was this summer the first time you've met in person? People are very different online and off, and it might just be that when it comes down to how the two of you function in person, you're not the match you thought you were when it was words, video calls, etc.

Illumine · #3 13-09-2011, 05:47 PM

No I met him December 2009, he's been over here plenty of times and I've been to his. We've been together nearly 2 years. We get on extremely well most of the time and I was as crazy about him as he is about me but.. something changed for me this summer :(. We always spoke about this as quite a serious relationship with a future together but I'm beginning to feel that due to a number of things a future together seems unlikely and I just find myself getting annoyed with him more than anything :(

Celesia · #4 13-09-2011, 05:54 PM

It could be neither of you are trying to keep the fire(relationship) burning so the sparks are dying. Maybe you're losing your sense of self in the relationship and just need to assert your individuality. Maybe it's going nowhere and neither of you want to let go.

It's really hard to say with what you posted. You may want to explain your relationship a little more so we can better understand what's going on.

Illumine · #5 13-09-2011, 06:13 PM

When I was writing my original post I did have a lot more in it but I then thought it may be too long and annoying to read so I deleted a lot :P

He has been suffering from depression since before we met and shortly after we did meet he quit uni for the second time (different course) because he wasn't enjoying it which was fair enough. That was January last year and he has only just started a new course last week, he spent over a year and a half doing extremely little and I found that it changed him as a person quite a lot (he became much more forgetful and extremely touchy about everything). He often sits there and says how much he misses me, wants to be with me and life is better with me around but he doesn't seem motivated enough to make any of it happen, if you know what I mean? He claims he wants to move here but with no job or money and having just started a course that will take four years to finish (it's online so he could do it over here but still), it just doesn't feel like it will ever happen for me.

Taken into account how much he changed, how I suddenly feel like there isn't such a great chance of us having a future together as he seems to lack the drive and ambition that I have, I really started to get irritated over summer. I graduated this June from uni after three years and I'm going back to do a Master to better my job prospects but I feel that he wasted a lot of time not being productive and it's been detrimental to him, personality wise and us, relationship wise.

I don't know if this is to do with his depression or not but when he was over here all he seemed to do was want to watch films all day and having just finished three hard years at uni I really wanted to go have some fun with him but he didn't really seem bothered and I think that was the trigger for me losing some feeling for him. I just don't know if it's worth me trying to continue this relationship or.. what to do really :S

#6 13-09-2011, 06:58 PM

oh illumine my heart breaks for you but it does sound and feel to me like you have grown and he has not (or has regressed some actually) on your paths in life and that is the underlying cause. i am so sorry to hear - but like you said sometimes you do fall out of love. you can still love someone without being in love with them and i fear that may be the case here. however know this - if you have progressed and he has not, forcing something that isn't working can make things worse for you both. there are ways to end the romantic relationship without losing all contact or friendship and that may be a good option since it is clear to me that you do care for him greatly, but that things have changed and shifted away from the romantic side.

Illumine · #7 13-09-2011, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CJ82Sky

oh illumine my heart breaks for you but it does sound and feel to me like you have grown and he has not (or has regressed some actually) on your paths in life and that is the underlying cause. i am so sorry to hear - but like you said sometimes you do fall out of love. you can still love someone without being in love with them and i fear that may be the case here. however know this - if you have progressed and he has not, forcing something that isn't working can make things worse for you both. there are ways to end the romantic relationship without losing all contact or friendship and that may be a good option since it is clear to me that you do care for him greatly, but that things have changed and shifted away from the romantic side.

This is exactly what I was worried about :(. Maybe I didn't want to acknowledge that I was already thinking/fearing this and I needed someone else to say it What you said does make sense though, I definitely have grown as a person so much since we met but if we're not both growing then it doesn't seem like we can walk the same path anymore.. much as it pains me to say that :(

Illumine · #8 14-09-2011, 05:40 PM

I hate to be rude and bump this but does anyone else have any views on this that may help me? :)

#9 14-09-2011, 06:25 PM

I think CJ is exactly right. Women tend to mature faster than men, (no offense guys!) and with you actively doing things and getting yourself a life, you are now seeing him as someone different, foreign, but in actuality, he has not changed; you have.

I also sense he has a lot of fear with making this a reality. Ie: moving, getting his education, getting a real job, supporting himself, etc etc. He may want them, but the fear of actually doing them holds him prisoner.

In all, I feel you are right to move on. If it is meant to be, later on, you may rekindle, but if you are having these doubts, it is for a reason and you should trust your gut.

Illumine · #10 14-09-2011, 07:21 PM

Thanks Laura. Everything you said is very true and I can understand his fears but on the other hand, I don't know if I can keep waiting indefinitely while he conquers those fears. I care for him deeply but this hurts me too.

Thanks for your words of advice, it's helping me make sense of everything :)