Is it possible that I'm just not meant to have friends?

[Bonge]

Whenever I have a conversation with a close friend, I always leave the conversation feeling very upset, and it is not uncommon for me to spend the next few hours crying over it. I always feel like I am being attacked by people who I care deeply for when in reality they have not done or said anything wrong. I take the littlest things someone says as a direct attack and I can't help but fixate all of my energy on it. I usually end up cutting these people out of my life as a coping mechanism, which is why I haven't had a friendship last longer than two years.

Anyway, I'm wondering if friendships just aren't for me? And if that's not the case, I'm curious as to whether there may be anything I can do to heal myself if it's caused by a spiritual ailment of any kind?

Thank you!

[light25]

Oh you sound so much like my friend :)

look, I think a lot of things other do or say to us, are not that personal as you think. It's more a reflection of them.
Howevery, how you see the world, is how it sees you.
So when you feel that you are not good enough, you will subconciously think people will attack you.
Everyone needs a companion. We are not made to be alone. But the truth is, we are never alone anyways.

[rainbow.sprinkles]

if the problem is your own perception, maybe you just need to work on your own sensitivities and why you're perceiving slights and rejections. counselling might help. I have the same problem due to my borderline personality disorder and there's a lot of self-work involved in learning to only see the facts and to not take everything personally all the time. it's worth it though.

[Bonge]

Originally Posted by light25

Oh you sound so much like my friend :)

look, I think a lot of things other do or say to us, are not that personal as you think. It's more a reflection of them.
Howevery, how you see the world, is how it sees you.
So when you feel that you are not good enough, you will subconciously think people will attack you.
Everyone needs a companion. We are not made to be alone. But the truth is, we are never alone anyways.

Thank you for the lovely advice :) you're so right, I guess I'll need to work on the way I see myself before I expect to not feel attacked by others.

[Bonge]

Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles

if the problem is your own perception, maybe you just need to work on your own sensitivities and why you're perceiving slights and rejections. counselling might help. I have the same problem due to my borderline personality disorder and there's a lot of self-work involved in learning to only see the facts and to not take everything personally all the time. it's worth it though.

It's interesting that you mention that, because I had one psychologist tell me I had BPD-like symptoms, but I couldn't be diagnosed as I wasn't over 18. But yeah, I've been dealing with this for so long that I do think counselling is necessary, thank you for bringing that up. I wish you the best for your own healing journey! :)

Originally Posted by rainbow.sprinkles

if the problem is your own perception, maybe you just need to work on your own sensitivities and why you're perceiving slights and rejections. counselling might help. I have the same problem due to my borderline personality disorder and there's a lot of self-work involved in learning to only see the facts and to not take everything personally all the time. it's worth it though.

This sounds very realistic. It's a question of affirming a more outgoing engagement with people. Counselling is the best as it will give pointers to how it can be done.

Perish the thought that someone here recommends one or more of these "feel better" books because they won't provide the face-to-face dialogue that a counsellor does and what's needed

It would be easy to give some glib answer but without knowing someone's history (which presumably would be explored as a first session with a counsellor) sorting out what the problem is would be impossible, might lead to the wrong conclusions and do more harm than good.

The only suggestion I could make to Bonge is to ponder on why she feels the way she does in response to her situation, trying to be honest, trying to rationalise a situation ....but then again, without help it can be all too easy to come to a wrong conclusion.

♥

Originally Posted by Bonge

Whenever I have a conversation with a close friend, I always leave the conversation feeling very upset, and it is not uncommon for me to spend the next few hours crying over it. I always feel like I am being attacked by people who I care deeply for when in reality they have not done or said anything wrong. I take the littlest things someone says as a direct attack and I can't help but fixate all of my energy on it. I usually end up cutting these people out of my life as a coping mechanism, which is why I haven't had a friendship last longer than two years.

Anyway, I'm wondering if friendships just aren't for me? And if that's not the case, I'm curious as to whether there may be anything I can do to heal myself if it's caused by a spiritual ailment of any kind?

Thank you!

Hello, Bonge,

There are all kinds (levels) of friendship from simply non-hostiles to those deep friendships where you feel someone is your confidante and you can rely on them through all weathers. I find very few people are actually hostile so really it's about accepting people for who and what they are.

Without knowing your background I can only suggest that when something like this happens and you feel like crying, try to work out why. What is it about you that you felt was being attacked? Was it a criticism and was it valid if you care to be honest? Did it really matter? because there are thousands of people out there who would receive you quite differently.

In some ways it boils down to a deep-rooted sense of low self-esteem and lacking in self-confidence.

And, as you're aware of your situation it may be possible to bat off the negatives when they hit (a bit, anyway). You can tell yourself "But it's just me responding like that," and smile, and say something like "Really?" with a tilt of the head that says ok and so what? Because YOU know that you aren't as the person seems to think.

Others have suggested counselling which is a good idea because counsllors are neutral; you can actually talk things through and be given ideas to improve your self-confidence. Get good at something so you have faith in yourself with it. Literally reject the attacks by assuring yourself either they aren't valid or if you think they are, that you can do something about whatever it is.

But talking it through, going into the history of "why?" is probably the best way.

Of course you should have friends. Deep ones take time to develop but just being friendly - basically just liking people who have no hostile intent - is natural and good.

Here's wishing you the best, and a happy Easter.



♥

[Bonge]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Hello, Bonge,

There are all kinds (levels) of friendship from simply non-hostiles to those deep friendships where you feel someone is your confidante and you can rely on them through all weathers. I find very few people are actually hostile so really it's about accepting people for who and what they are.

Without knowing your background I can only suggest that when something like this happens and you feel like crying, try to work out why. What is it about you that you felt was being attacked? Was it a criticism and was it valid if you care to be honest? Did it really matter? because there are thousands of people out there who would receive you quite differently.

In some ways it boils down to a deep-rooted sense of low self-esteem and lacking in self-confidence.

And, as you're aware of your situation it may be possible to bat off the negatives when they hit (a bit, anyway). You can tell yourself "But it's just me responding like that," and smile, and say something like "Really?" with a tilt of the head that says ok and so what? Because YOU know that you aren't as the person seems to think.

Others have suggested counselling which is a good idea because counsllors are neutral; you can actually talk things through and be given ideas to improve your self-confidence. Get good at something so you have faith in yourself with it. Literally reject the attacks by assuring yourself either they aren't valid or if you think they are, that you can do something about whatever it is.

But talking it through, going into the history of "why?" is probably the best way.

Of course you should have friends. Deep ones take time to develop but just being friendly - basically just liking people who have no hostile intent - is natural and good.

Here's wishing you the best, and a happy Easter.



♥

Oh wow, thank you so so much for this Lorelyen! I really do appreciate you taking the time to write this all out for me. I'm going to write down all of your questions and tips that you posted so that I can remember and think about them the next time I'm feeling attacked. And I really appreciate you recommending counselling as well, I didn't realise how much it could help me with this!

Thank you, and I'm sorry I couldn't reply to this earlier.