My perspective on friendships is changing for the worse,what can I do?

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by inavalan

You can't change others, you can change only yourself.

I know I can't change others, I have said this myself, that is why I made this post not to find out how to change them but to find out how common of a problem this is and the right way to go about it.

If you were on the right path, that path should show you what you have to do, and it's only up to you to do it.

I feel like I am being shown what to do, but first I wanted to know if others have experienced this and I wanted some insight to the questions I had. I have always been a loyal friend to every friend I've had, so it's hard to suddenly not be loyal. I just wanted to know if it makes somebody a bad person if they want to end all their friendships, even though there are no perfect friendships.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

In that case, you seem to have a habit of attracting an unusual number of fake people, more so than I do. That can be a compliment because that means you may have a quite friendly and easy-going demeanor that fake people like to take advantage of. As for me, maybe because I am more serious looking with a no-nonsense demeanor and rarely crack up a smile, fake people are more prone to stay away from me because their own intuition tells them I'm not easy prey for them. But in the rare circumstances when I meet someone new, more often than not are they decent, if only somewhat.

I think this is the insight I have been looking for! From the time I was born until my early 40's, I have always been the friendly easy-going one. I have gotten tons of compliments on it but I have also gotten taken advantage of. It's always been hard for me to be anything but friendly and easy going through, it's just my nature. I can't remember the last time I felt anger, instead I feel more of a depression like "this really sucks this is happening". Now I'm wondering if this is something I can change or if it's just my personality. After all, I know angry people who can't change and suddenly be easy-going.

Thanks for making me think about this one!

I don't calculate their ''friend-o-meter'' in percentages. In time, every foul thing comes forth. Sooner or later, toxic people are bound to make a fatal mistake that exposes themselves, but it's up to you to recognize it.

I only wish they would let their toxic mistakes out sooner, not after I've known them for years it's easy to let go of an acquaintance of a few months.

[AstraeaLunaAvani]

Originally Posted by Greenslade

The question is, are you looking for isolation because you're (seems like anyway) pushing people away because they're getting too close, or is the pushing people away the inner need for isolation?

No, it isn't that people are too close, I WANT close friendships (it's one of the 4 parts of my vision board )...I'm just pushing away the people that are making me feel bad and not respecting me. Part of my desire for isolation also comes from society, I have always been a non-conformist. The way the world is getting is making me want to have little or nothing to do with it. I am happiest when I don't see or talk to anyone, when I can sit at home with no obligations, no plans, just me and my freedom.

What about the standards you have set for yourself? Does this mean you think you're better than them because you're Spiritual and awakened? Against what criteria are you Spiritual or awake? What are you awake to? How are you treating them differently? Does being Spiritual and awake mean you have extra status? How do they perceive you?

No this isn't about being spiritually awakened, it's just a side effect. I just want what is good for me, not what is bad for me, that's all. I don't think anyone is better than anyone, we're all just at different levels. And this might seem contradictory to what I just said, but I am an entrepreneur and one of the philosophies that goes around in the world of business is that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So the advice is to hang out with people who are like you or who you want to be like. It's all about vibration. I want to be around people who are supportive, where we can all help each other become better versions of ourselves. I don't want to hang around people who are judgemental, disrespectful, and unsupportive.

You defined them as 'toxic' so does that reflect you?

Not sure what you're asking exactly...recognizing when someone is toxic is the way the universe nudges us to shift our reality for the better.

The greatest awakening is awakening to ourselves.

Oh I agree, and I started doing that years ago, and this is a result of that. (kinda relates to my previous comment about recognizing toxicity so we can shift our reality).

[LadyMay]

I could've written this myself, actually I did recently on my yourspace thread lol (link if you're curious: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...&postcount=782). Yeah - I don't know if healthy close friendships exist, so I was asking around but I haven't really gotten an answer myself yet. I'll have to read through the replies on this to see too (I prefer to reply with my own thoughts to an OP first so mine aren't influenced).

It seems like humans as a species just don't know how to be close without becoming toxic - at least that's my experience. I've recently cut off a lot of people - family, 'friends', etc, everyone who I had in my life who I loved but just was continuously being hurt by. And the thing is I know they don't mean it per se... in the same way on my end I end up being unconsciously codependent and dysfunctional in return too. Hence why I realised I had to cut them all off. I am happier with acquaintances as you said, there's something about interpersonal distance that keeps things healthy... but it's sad as then you're left to wonder, "surely there's more than this?" It's the same reason I've not been dating.. everything just seems to turn out the same. I believe there has to be healthy close friendships/relationships out there but I have not come across one yet.

So I don't have an answer, other than learn to enjoy your own company and keep hoping and believing in the good of humanity even if finding a healthy friend/partner takes a long time, or even if never lol. But otherwise I really know how you feel.

[LadyMay]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

You don't need to feel connected with other humans if they are nasty. One could call it spiritual growth but I just call it nonsense and self-harm. Then again, my own ideals closely resembles LaVeyan Satanism (which opposes most beliefs presented here).

Many good responses here, Slayer of Light I always find myself agreeing with your practical take on things.

Some could consider your stances pessimistic. I find them uniquely grounded.

[LadyMay]

Originally Posted by AstraeaLunaAvani

but what about my new spiritual friendships? I have a spiritual friend who is even worse than my other friends, as far as draining me, stressing me out just by the things she says, and not being supportive. Or maybe I just found the one bad egg in the spiritual community.

Gurlll (unpopular opinion alert!) 'spiritual' people can make the worst kind of friends!

Many are self-important, grandiose, entitled, have large egos or otherwise complicated dysfunctional and toxic behaviour patterns. You know what? I have been 'awakened' since eight years ago, in that time all my spiritual friends and relationships have been HIGHLY toxic, in the end I've found more happiness with 'normal' grounded people... I also learned in the process I too was one of those 'spiritual' people who was toxic.

It's hard to say why the reason for this is. Many of us have had traumatic experiences in life, so on one hand it could be an attempt to heal and we end up with an entire group who is just totally messed up On the other hand I'm starting to think escapism is a lot to do with it and it's less about healing and more about detaching from the harsh realities of the world.

Either way, I've learned my lessons on that one. Especially be careful with spiritual people.

[Dargor]

Originally Posted by LadyMay

Many good responses here, Slayer of Light I always find myself agreeing with your practical take on things.

Some could consider your stances pessimistic. I find them uniquely grounded.

Thanks. Maybe at times they are slightly pessimistic, but oh well. I didn't choose my beliefs.

[LadyMay]

Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight

Thanks. Maybe at times they are slightly pessimistic, but oh well. I didn't choose my beliefs.

Perhaps, but as I was saying I find much escapism in the spiritual community, I myself have been guilty. Very much a 'love and light' attitude, even in some of these responses I see others saying along the lines of "you say you love unconditionally but want to ditch people' - that sounds toxic in itself to me, considering these people being ditched are toxic in the first place. You can love humanity without having to put up with their bull poopy Love is not just letting people psychologically hurt you.

For reference in relation to the entire thread, I'd gotten to the point in my life where I started shifting my boundaries towards these people, I wasn't giving up on them, I just said "I'm erecting necessary healthy boundaries and this is how it's gonna be"... when they realised they couldn't manipulate me anymore I suddenly didn't exist to them and they left me, not the other way round. I just see it as they did me a favour.

Yes it takes strength and a strong sense of identity to be able to do that but at the end of the day you can't put up with toxic behaviour and you can't control dysfunctional responses to your establishing boundaries.

In that sense I would say to the OP the responses about running to an ashram being an escape, I agree with, because I felt the exact same way some years ago. But I don't feel that need anymore since I worked on my self-esteem.

Anyhow Slayer of Light, I find your posts a refreshing balance to most discussions I've seen so far.

[Altair]

Over a decade ago I had some 'mystical' experiences that made me convinced there is more to life than the physical. A bad consequences of this was that it made me feel alienated in a way and in time I lost the friends I had back then. This was hugely my own doing, I did not know well how others would feel about my 'changes', instead I made that judgement call about them myself. I thought myself different and developed a 'spiritual identity'. I can only recommend to anyone reading this to not make those same mistakes. It does not help others and it certainly won't help yourself.

I too am an introvert, but being away from other people for too long has never made me any happier.
We need a lot of time by ourselves but need connection too. It's not either/or.

[RedEmbers]

Originally Posted by LadyMay

Gurlll (unpopular opinion alert!) 'spiritual' people can make the worst kind of friends!

Many are self-important, grandiose, entitled, have large egos or otherwise complicated dysfunctional and toxic behaviour patterns. You know what? I have been 'awakened' since eight years ago, in that time all my spiritual friends and relationships have been HIGHLY toxic, in the end I've found more happiness with 'normal' grounded people... I also learned in the process I too was one of those 'spiritual' people who was toxic.

It's hard to say why the reason for this is. Many of us have had traumatic experiences in life, so on one hand it could be an attempt to heal and we end up with an entire group who is just totally messed up On the other hand I'm starting to think escapism is a lot to do with it and it's less about healing and more about detaching from the harsh realities of the world.

Either way, I've learned my lessons on that one. Especially be careful with spiritual people.

Spirituality can attract alot of damaged people looking for an answer out of desperation.

I am getting further and further away from spirituality and self help, I am finding most of it makes me sick and alot of it just retraumatised me all over again. It seems that in spirituality there are 1001 plus creative ways to not accept myself as I am.
Many people in spiritual communities (not all but alot) use spiritual bypassing, they invalidate themselves and others too in the process. It is a kind of avoidance, due to feelings of powerlessness when faced with vulnerability. I am just as responsible as the next person due to my former lack of awareness and fear response, it is something I tend to avoid now doing now though.

In relation to friendships, relationships and the kinds of experiences we need and desire:
Often, the only way to truely experience what we desire is to be aware of of and move away the things we don't want and towards the experiences we do want.

This is what I see outside of the spiritual circles, where people do not overannalyse (seeking justification) their every action. They move away from what they do not want and towards what they do want without needing to justify or validate their actions.