Looking for advice, mostly.

[(im)perfectdream1794]

Hi, so I've been with my boyfriend for over two years, up until Monday when we broke up again. We broke up last month too, and got back together five days later. We live together so I guess my situation is kinda different. I've gotta say before I go further that I have been a horrible girlfriend to him for pretty much our whole relationship. I have been thinking a lot the past couple days and have been starting to realize I blamed him for things I should have blamed myself for. Although this has made me feel worse, it's kind of a relief to know it was not his fault that I am not in love with him anymore. I blamed him for not showing love or any emotion, and for him to be seemingly lacking a personality. When really it's the pain ive caused him that makes him unable to display these or be himself. Maybe I'm overthinking all this and breaking up really is for the best, but every time we do I find myself more sad and wanting to go back than I thought I would. I think part of the reason I thought I would be happier or better off if we broke up is because I know I don't deserve everything he gave me. I think because of my own self-loathing, I have made myself unable to be in love with him. He somehow is still in love with me and wants to be together for eternity, but I don't understand how or why. We only accept the love we think we deserve, and maybe that's why I can't understand or return the love. I feel like my acknowledgement of our differences pushes me away and let's me think we can never make it. My family wants me to move back home with them, and none of my friends think we are good together. I know these things shouldn't matter but it still makes things difficult. He is very spiritual and does not like or agree with things like tattoos or piercings, makeup or drugs. All of these I either have or have done, and I feel like he hates me for them. A part of me sees his point of view, but another part of me likes body modifications and even wants to get more. I feel like I can't talk to him about this or wanting to move closer to my family because his views are concrete and absolute. I find myself not happy with the recent breakup, but know I need to let go of the past in order to have a shot at making this work in the future.

I guess this turned into more of a rant than anything else, but know there is some back story to be considered. Despite all this, I truly do have a big heart and a lot of love to give, and wish I could love him. I think what I'm really asking is if anyone has an opinion on whether we should stay apart or if we could make it work.

If you read the whole thing, thank you, and if there are any questions feel free to ask.

[The Taoist]

Hello' perfectrdream:




Your issue is clear.

Now, what I am sensing and perceiving as the 'source' of your challenge in your mind and consciousness is ...”SELF-WORTH” or the learning lesson of self-image. So, let me offer you an overview of the mechanics of your situation or challenge.

It is important to understand that within relationships between individuals, there is a constant striving for each individual to feel appreciated and valued by the other individual. If you are valuing and appreciating of self, you need not value from another individual.

The input is not necessary. It may be accepted graciously, but it is not a necessity. Therefore, whatever is offered is accepted for it is not a need within you, for you are understanding already that YOU are accepting and appreciating of you. Individuals create conflict as they are attempting to change another individual or holding an expectation of another individual, which is the same; for as you hold an expectation of another individual, you are within wanting their behavior to change and be expressed differently.

Love is a truth, it is that of knowing and appreciation, genuine appreciation, which appreciation is expressed in acceptance. In this, the knowing is also significant, actual knowing of yourself and knowing of another individual and expressing an acceptance which generates an appreciation. This is the genuine expression of love. A genuine expression of love between individuals objectively is the expression of allowance of yourself to generate what you want without restriction.

I may suggest to you perfectdream, appreciation generates one of the MOST POWERFUL expressions of energy that you can generate.

Now; in this, your camouflage has developed very strongly throughout your focus, and you have been practicing with this camouflage for many, many years and you have become quite accomplished at it. And all of this camouflage is projected to be protecting of yourself, for within your perception, it shall not do to be exposing yourself and to be open and vulnerable, for if you are expressing in this manner, not merely yourself shall know the truth of your unworthiness, but all other individuals shall also recognize and be exposed to your great unworthiness.

I suggest to you also that in recognizing these patterns that you may also recognize how and why you draw to yourself certain relationships in partnerships, for you draw to yourself individuals that hold many differences from yourself. You draw to yourself individuals that hold different orientations from yourself. You draw to yourself individuals that you shall hold difficulty in creating this type of relationship with, and therefore you do not create relationships in lasting manners, but you WISH to be creating relationship in a lasting expression. The reason that you do not is that you draw to yourself individuals that shall reinforce your issue that you hold in the area of worthiness.

In this, you shall express in your movement with them helpfulness and caring and devotion, and you shall express yourself quite positively, and this also reinforces your issue of worthiness, for subsequently you may express to yourself, “What am I creating wrong? I am offering kindness and lovingness and loyalty and acceptance of this individual, and it is not returned, and why shall this be?”

And this is the same type of camouflage as the helplessness, which does not allow penetration. It holds at bay the energy of another individual, and other individuals recognize this holding at bay. They recognize the obstacle and that they may not penetrate. Therefore, their attention turns, for you shall not continue to move in certain directions if you are not receiving your payoff.

NO individual shall continue in directions that do not provide their payoff, and if an individual is seeking the payoff of intimacy and is not receiving that, they shall not continue to be moving in that direction, and in the situation that you create, you do not allow other individuals to become intimate with you.

I do sense and feel that that you ARE accomplishing much more efficiently and much more within acceptance of self in the area of your creativity.
Now; within your situation in your focus and what you create, you do magnate to extremes in excitement, but you also create this type of movement as a distraction, a diversion, and a camouflage, and it DOES create elements of conflict, for within the extreme of the excitement, you allow yourself the extreme of emotional expression, and in this, you also create the extreme of anxiety in your discontinuation of the excitement.

In this, you are not creating a balance. You are creating the continuation of the pendulum swinging from one extreme to another. Now; this is not to say that your mate does not hold issues also. I shall also express to you that this individual also does not hold the same orientation as yourself, but I am not expressing this to be discouraging of your relationship in this area, for you draw yourself presently into a creation of this relationship to be offering yourself information and opportunities to move through certain aspects of these issues that you hold.

Therefore, I suggest to you that this particular relationship and the direction that you are moving in presently and the probabilities that you are creating presently is not the most probable probability within your line presently for creating what you would term to be an ongoing, lasting expression of relationship, and shall more probably be temporary. But this is not to say that you may not avail yourself of much information in that temporary time framework.

Also remember that these are all probabilities, and you hold the ability to alter this within any moment.

I wish you well in your learning lessons.


In Light & Harmony Taoist

[(im)perfectdream1794]

Thank you for replying, your response was well written. I think you're right about me attracting people that are opposite or very different from myself, as he is. I also think I really clung to him because he seemed to have a good handle on things and was in a good place in his life, where as I was not. I guess I still have a lot of things to work out for myself, along with personal growth. I can't go anywhere but forward from here, so I'll see where things take me.

[The Taoist]

I am confident in your capabilities and intent, my friend.

Remember...trust in self....believe in self......ACCEPT SELF.

You are the master of your reality!!!



In Harmony & Light Taoist

[rainbow.sprinkles]

it doesn't sound like you two are a good match, to be honest.

it also sounds like you would benefit from some serious self reflection and growth before committing to a relationship again. I don't mean that in a mean way, and it's great and you've already had some realizations about your behaviours, but if you want to treat your next partner in a more positive way I think some time on your own and developing even more self awareness would be of great benefit to both you and anyone else you date.

[wolfgaze]

Hi perfectdream... Here are a couple of videos of Eckhart Tolle speaking about the nature of relationships... Have a look/listen and see if this touches on any insights which serve to provide you with an increased sense of clarity regarding your circumstances:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8

https://youtube.com/watch?v=C8EVrR4UjXg

If you find value in listening to these, just youtube search 'Eckhart Tolle relationships' and there are others you can explore.

Take care...

~WOLF

The problem is that the pitch has now been set. Whether you can change enough and unfailingly for a long enough time to win his sincere trust in your predictability and reliability... that's what it needs. And once things look all right, would you slip back into complacency and your former ways?

As someone up there said, you probably aren't a good match to be together across eternity. I ask myself if I'd put up with someone I don't really like across eternity - and the answer has to be no (to be realistic rather than sentimental).

On the other hand, relationships do seem to struggle at around the timing of yours 2 to 3 years. Those with a sound basis - the couple basically mesh but they are having trouble working out how to accommodate each other, reluctant to make some compromises, may well pull through.

Then there are those that will never succeed because as the participants "get to know" each other (in the popular sense of the term) abrasion starts, quarrels, distance, and they often try to stay together for convenience.

I think, if you want this one to succeed you need a lot of contemplation on why you think you have been a horrible girlfriend - deciding whether you're reacting to this particular person - or are you prone to being horrible to all men if they enter a relationship with you.

You have some work. There are things about you yourself that can change - and there are things about your outgoingness to men that you can change. Sometimes these are difficult, some less so. I'd suggest having a go at it. You realise you've been horrible. That's a first step to doing something about it.

However, you must bear in mind how your boyfriend now feels. He's probably fed up. He may be wondering, should there be a chance of reuniting, will it be the same-old-same-old after a few weeks/months? Maybe a short break would help.

....

[Shaunc]

Rainbow sprinkles said everything I would have said except they put it together much better than I would have

[guthrio]

Originally Posted by (im)perfectdream1794

Hi, so I've been with my boyfriend for over two years, up until Monday when we broke up again. We broke up last month too, and got back together five days later. We live together so I guess my situation is kinda different. I've gotta say before I go further that I have been a horrible girlfriend to him for pretty much our whole relationship. I have been thinking a lot the past couple days and have been starting to realize I blamed him for things I should have blamed myself for. Although this has made me feel worse, it's kind of a relief to know it was not his fault that I am not in love with him anymore. I blamed him for not showing love or any emotion, and for him to be seemingly lacking a personality. When really it's the pain ive caused him that makes him unable to display these or be himself. Maybe I'm overthinking all this and breaking up really is for the best, but every time we do I find myself more sad and wanting to go back than I thought I would. I think part of the reason I thought I would be happier or better off if we broke up is because I know I don't deserve everything he gave me. I think because of my own self-loathing, I have made myself unable to be in love with him. He somehow is still in love with me and wants to be together for eternity, but I don't understand how or why. We only accept the love we think we deserve, and maybe that's why I can't understand or return the love. I feel like my acknowledgement of our differences pushes me away and let's me think we can never make it. My family wants me to move back home with them, and none of my friends think we are good together. I know these things shouldn't matter but it still makes things difficult. He is very spiritual and does not like or agree with things like tattoos or piercings, makeup or drugs. All of these I either have or have done, and I feel like he hates me for them. A part of me sees his point of view, but another part of me likes body modifications and even wants to get more. I feel like I can't talk to him about this or wanting to move closer to my family because his views are concrete and absolute. I find myself not happy with the recent breakup, but know I need to let go of the past in order to have a shot at making this work in the future.

I guess this turned into more of a rant than anything else, but know there is some back story to be considered. Despite all this, I truly do have a big heart and a lot of love to give, and wish I could love him. I think what I'm really asking is if anyone has an opinion on whether we should stay apart or if we could make it work.

If you read the whole thing, thank you, and if there are any questions feel free to ask.

Perfectdream1794,

Your lack of confidence is about the FEAR of not measuring up to your expectations or someone else's expectations. By doing this, you empower "others" to tell YOU what your OWN self-image IS......rather than empowering YOURSELF with a self image formed of your OWN expectations.

Your desire to be confident about yourself....is directly at odds with the confidence you have ALREADY PLACED in "someone else" to make that determination ABOUT you.....with an effect which is painful AND obvious: THEY (the "others") must be right, because YOU have told yourself that they ARE right (because you AGREE with them) ! THAT is the ONLY reason why you do NOT have confidence in yourself or consider YOURSELF worthy of love and happiness in YOUR OWN right.

But there is an even WORSE effect: If you believe THEY are right, you will ACT consistent WITH those beliefs....with the unfortunate result of causing your boyfriend to eventually look at you as someone he no longer knows AS the YOU he fell in love with....because, by your OWN actions, YOU will no longer BE the person HE considers worthy OF love. Do you see ?

What's the solution ?

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life's about creating yourself."
- George Bernard Shaw

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
- Dr Wayne Dyer

Beauty is NOT in the "eye" of the beholder.

Beauty is in the IDEAs ("eye"-deas) of the beholder.....ideas that YOU tell YOURSELF.

TAKE BACK YOUR OWN POWER ! Regain the motivation to be who YOU decide to be !

Whether you CHOOSE to ignite OR ignore your OWN power, the following is STILL inescapably true OF you:

"I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul."
-Invictus

I invite you, therefore, to choose your OWN answers.....without continuing to rely on others to choose FOR you....especially in THIS forum, but most importantly.....FOR YOUR OWN LIFE !

Why ?

...because no one else will do it, or CAN do it FOR YOU !

It's YOUR Life. Don't worry about whether your boyfriend will not be true to you. He has already shown himself to be true to you..... That's good on him. He's already proven HIS love.

It is YOU who must prove that you love YOURSELF enough to make YOUR Life YOUR decision...

....not giving someone ELSE control over your thoughts, or your image, or your decisions.

Be your OWN best friend.

THAT'S how you show confidence in yourself....

Do you see ?

Hope this, and the sources, below help you....especially about the power of ideas !

Reference: http://ideas-are-free.blogspot.com/

Reference: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/

[(im)perfectdream1794]

Thanks very much for the insight you all have provided, I do know I have a lot of learning and growing to do. I have also wondered if we weren't a good match for each other, and as sad as it may be my self confident and self worth is close to non-existent. Lorelyn was right when she said it's hard for things to ever return to how they may have been, and I realize it's all my fault. Even if he can forgive and let go I don't think I can, and he doesn't understand that. He thinks letting go is easy and that things like confidence are just made up by the brain, so we have a lot of different views on things, love is hard.