Completely alone in life, not coping well

First, my sincere condolences... loss of family is hard especially when you are in a precarious situation, make sure to take care of yourself the best you are able, if at all possible.

In response to your OP I decided to break it down in sections, for clarities sake. It'll be here when you return... *smile*

Originally Posted by Louisa

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now. -- I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving). -- By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins -many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with. Requiring a restricted diet and a certain kind of work environment or I'm just mentally foggy, forgetful, anxious, and ill.

Bi-polar Type 2 can be extremely difficult due to the periods of depression it entails, which tend to be worse and longer than in Type 1. But, there is the absence of full manic episodes and instead you have hypomanic episodes, which can "feel good" sometimes but can have long-term consequences due to choices that may be made during a hypomanic. I understand the reluctance to take medication right now as getting the levels "just right" for a therapeutic effect can require several months of adjustment. I will say in medications favor that there have been some promising improvements - lithium is no longer the gold standard and there are other options. Anti-depressants today are never, (or shouldn't be, depending on how up on current literature a doctor is) prescribed to people with BP 2 as they only address depression, not hypomania. In any diagnoses of BP 2 it is very important to look back over the life time and try to identify times when you have experienced a hypomanic or a depression that was unrelated to events in your life. If you go to a doctor, they should ask about this...

Also - thyroid conditions can "mimic" the behavioral symptoms of BP so a blood test is a good idea to rule that out as it might be a very physical very treatable thyroid condition that effects your moods. Unfortunately, there is no "hard data" able to link BP with neurological processes - so they can't test you for it, just talk to you about it and assess your symptoms to see if they meet the criteria. But, they can rule out other causes, which is why, if you have the ability to, it might be wise to consult a physician & a psychologist - that and due to the other conditions you suspect you might have. At the very worst they confirm your worst imaginings & at the very best they are able to pinpoint another cause that is easily treatable.

That said, I have been diagnosed with BP 2 and since I declined medication (partially due to no insurance so I can not afford anything other than lithium and partially due to a lifestyle choice) my doctor has worked with me on alternative forms of treatment which include regular exercise, I can't stress it enough - it is amazing the difference in my mood stability compared to when I didn't exercise and when I do. (I haven't been able to for the past two months and I have definitely felt the difference.) I run 3 times a week for 3-6 miles - if possible I trail run so I can get some nature time & some exercise time simultaneously - it takes about 3 hours of my week. Diet! It sounds like you have diet restrictions so I do not know what you are able to or not able to eat - if you are not a vegetarian my doctor swears by eating salmon twice a week (she even wrote it on a prescription pad, bless her heart) - the Omega-3 oils have been shown to have a good effect with BP 2, if you do not eat fish or can't... try finding supplements rich in Omega-3. Generally, a diet rich with fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, Omega-3's is a good idea - for anyone - for as I learned in my neuroscience courses we literally are what we eat and as we get older that becomes more evident as our body is less able to compensate. Diet affects mood. Time in nature is also recommended for those so inclined and it sounds like you are. And sleep cycles are also important, getting just enough and not too much is essential. And of course there are the additional habits that could help; seeing a counselor on a regular basis, meditation, yoga, making sure to get Vitamin D time in the sun, stretching, journaling (which I know you do.. *smile*) - oh and I almost forgot - self-tracking! Tracking your moods, diet, exercise, sleep, supplements, any alcohol/caffeine/sugar/etc. use, stress (internal & external).. for starters. I started an Excel spreadsheet for mine.

Start with the simple solutions first and work your way out from there - Occam's Razor is useful for more than just economics.

I addressed the medical first as being able to make the changes you are looking in to requires being able to think clearly, being able to respond to your emotions in a balanced way, and knowing your body is being treated with care - it's all connected... I'd work on this first if you are at all able, or if you decide to. It is your choice on how to treat your self and you know better than anyone what works or does not work for you. Even your doctor - and remember you have that choice in the doctor's office, as long as you present your self as a rational person who has thoroughly looked at all of your options most doctors will work with you on this as they understand the difficulties in finding the right medication & actually having it work and as you said.. not make you worse. It's different for each person and what works for someone else may not work for you, and vice versa.

Originally Posted by Louisa

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears. -- It has been unpredictable -first he'd plan on working things out and staying together, and I'd think maybe we could, and then he'd threaten ultimatums and now that's where I'm at. -- Btw, I didn't mean to get pregnant, and it was highly unlikely that I was going to, but my husband manipulated the birth control. I had planned to leave him right before he did that (he didn't know).

I've already mentioned, in private, the one point of this I think is very pertinent to look at and address when assessing your options. I'd like to mention something else as well - many of the concerns you have expressed about your own capability to be independent - may not be as much of a concern once you remove yourself from the stress of living with someone who treats you this way on a daily basis. It takes a lot of strength to live with someone who is unpredictable and who is controlling - it takes a lot of work and does effect your body & mind. So, my point is.. a hopeful one.. that some of the symptoms you are experiencing may be lessened once you are no longer coping with someone in your home who is unpredictable... keeping on your toes to respond to that has to be a balancing act and it shows that you have more strength than you may think you do, right now.

Also, if you do not mind me saying, you seem unhappy in the relationship from what you have expressed here, so in the long run this could be a opportunity disguised as "drama", as again, some of your inner symptoms and your general outlook might change once you can see it from a different perspective. Take care of themselves as it were... but its a process, and different for everyone, like anything is..

Originally Posted by Louisa

Having my daughter to care for all day gives me a meaning and joy in my life that I never had before. -- Now, though I feel I still might self-destruct, but I have my daughter to worry about. -- If I go to live with my parents, I fear they're going to kick me out sooner or later, and living with them is going to make me miserable because they can be emotionally abusive. -- If I live alone, I am afraid I will have no joy, no motivation, and just be miserable and unable to make it through the day. -- If I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable. Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park.

Situations like this are overwhelming - I find sometimes its best to break it in to little bits in order to get through it, baby steps.

First, it sounds like your daughter is the one area of your life you feel "meaning and joy" in, so what ever is best for you, is also best for her. Making changes now may enable you to present a healthier example for her and help you in being the mother you know you are - the perfect mother for her.

Second, if you did have to live with your parents for a while - do they treat your daughter like they do/did you? As someone else mentioned, even abusive parents can treat their grandchildren completely differently. Could you find a way to cope with it for a period of time while you work on making other arrangements - will it be as stressful as living with your husband has been? Are there ways you can plan to cope with that stress, coping strategies?

Third, have you lived alone? Would it be any worse than what you have endured living with your parents as a child or with your husband as an adult? Living alone can be well, lonely at times, but it also enables you to be the only one in control of your environment, the only one who gets to make choices that effect that environment, and can help you get to know yourself in a way that is difficult when living with others. Maybe a pros & cons list is in order? Also, you never know what odd people you may meet who fit your own type of personality once your "out there". You might find that isn't as lonely as you think and that you'll have more opportunities to meet people who can become your friends.. and social support.

Finally - work. I do not know what skills you possess but I immediately thought of some sort of work at home type of job might be good for you. I'm in many ways kicking myself for not taking the medical terminology certificate offered at my community college as it's a well paid job and often can be a telecommuting position. There are also online courses for that sort of certificate. Finding something part-time might help as well, to start to see how you can creatively manage your schedule so you are able to spend time with your daughter, care for your self, and keep afloat at the same time. Depending on how the divorce is handled you may also be able to expect at least some child support from your husband or alimony if you have stayed at home in order to help him and your daughter. I am not sure exactly how all of that works but there are lawyers who do and often give free "divorce" consultations. Also, finally (long winded soul that I am...) again, you may find once you change your environment this might not look as bleak.. as you gain the energy back that you have been expending just to survive it might become easier to find ways to manage work & motherhood. I'm not a mother, so I can't speak from that perception, but I have very good friends who are single mothers and while it is challenging they have managed to pull through.

So to wrap this up - a friend of mine who holds a similar outlook to yours, or at least to the outlook you have shared on these boards, once wrote "eliminating options is not an occupation" as she was also pondering some life changes. I find it a useful reminder when I fall in to that mind set as well, when change comes upon a person all of a sudden like its natural to fall in to a self-defeated mind set - but its not useful for actually coming through those changes. Finding options can be a challenging and creative endeavor and it sounds to me like you and your daughter are worth it.

Again.. my condolences Louisa on your grandfather's passing and my empathy & understanding for the pressure you are experiencing right now. One step at a time is the way to complete any transition, just one step. Then the next. Then the next can get you to where ever you decide to go. *smile*

[Louisa]

Thank you for your thoughtful words, Vesica.

I am feeling a little better, because I feel as if I can sense my grandfather and I'm remembering so many things about him. I don't know if I am just imagining that I sense him, but it comforts me. He really lived well and lived a long life and left many wonderful memories behind with his family and friends.

In an odd sort of way, I feel stronger now to face all of this, because I think I sense him in spirit, supporting me, whether it is real or not. But still, I am taking this time to reflect and remember, to write my memories and thoughts down, and to feel he is guiding me even in all my problems, in some way, even just by his memory and presence. I feel a new strength and clarity to face my problems, odd as that may sound. But it is something I have to do on my own now. There is still so much confusion and things I have to figure out.

So I will just be spending time reflecting and introspecting for a while, but then I will get back to all of you.

[Louisa]

Well, I thought the divorce was going to be delayed again. Again my husband said he would do something to work things out over the issue he was trying to control, but again he changed his mind.

Now he is threatening to divorce - but he says he will wait till after my daughter's birthday party - which is this weekend. Then he's going to tell my parents and get me to move out with them as soon as possible. We may separate or may divorce, but we will do whatever he decides, I imagine. I'd like to just separate, so that I can plan out the divorce details more. I am going to be dirt poor I think, so I can use all the help I can get from his cushy salary. Besides, wouldn't he be willing to make sure his own child is able to go to college and have good health care/insurance etc.?

I'd like to just move out on my own, but I'm scared that it might be too much for me. Also I might could move somewhere and just let my parents help out, without living in their house, but my husband is demanding that I move in with them. He thinks I might not be able to handle it on my own. This is really him just putting me down - because I am in fact stronger than he knows. But still, I suppose it might be on the safe side to live with my parents.

In reality, though, I think I might be much worse off with them. Because I have sick house syndrome at their house (yes it's real - I have no intent to argue the point, believe as you will). I also will have to deal with their emotional abuse. They are not at all open-minded about divorce and think my husband is wonderful (they probably won't even believe or care if I told them about the emotional abuse). They are highly conservative, backwoods fundamentalists. They are loser parents who won't teach their daughters to drive (my husband tried to teach me - for years). They are waiting for a husband to trap their daughters - no freedom and independence for females seems to be their ideology. My sister is on a paid scholarship and going to medical school now, but they refuse to teach her to drive - they drive her to college an hour each way, a few days a week, instead. They used to spend literally hours, and sometimes all night long, sitting up at night till daybreak, lecturing me and berating me (for minor little normal teenage angst, confusion, rebellion, etc, for being depressed - why don't I snap out of it, for not being a Chrisitan - I'm going to hell, for not being normal, for little imagined offenses - for accusations that I am acting disrespectful when I meant nothing of the sort). My parents are highly pathological. My dad especially, but my mom too. Now my dad is grieving the loss of his dad, plus he's an alcoholic. He may become very volatile, even more than usual.

So this is what I must deal with now, unless my husband changes his mind again and decides to postpone our divorce. Because the truth is, I am much, much more happy and free with my husband than I was with my parents. I don't feel the most ready to make that transition of battling their madness again.

[Louisa]

I just wanted to give an update on my situation because I might not have much access to the internet for a while if I do move in with my parents soon.

I am still considering all the rest of the things that you all have said and I will write back when I have a chance to make up my mind what I really think about it and what to do, but for now, this is what I am facing.

[Louisa]

Hi one more thing that I forgot to mention - but I would choose to try in any way possible to live on my own, and get a little help from my parents watching my daughter, but not have to live with them.

I think this would be the best for me, most likely, due to my parents' previous abusive behavior. Though I don't think they would treat my child badly (they didn't treat me very bad until I was about 7, plus they indoctrinated me into fundamentalism - and they didn't treat me really extremely badly until I was a teenager). But if they make my life miserable, control me, and keep me away from any resources to get a decent life, then perhaps even try to kick me out and maybe even side with my husband (which - come to think of it - I should get a divorce instead of a separation, so that there's no time for my husband and parents to conspire against me and try for him to get custody of my child).

Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that my husband might make the divorce much more manipulative and try to get custody of my daughter if I don't go live with my parents first. That is what I was trying to say. He wants me to live with them first, so I guess I will to avoid his manipulation. I don't know if the court would give him custody, but just in case, I am not taking a chance. I guess I should try for a quick, clean break as easily as possible - no fault divorce and just get the heck away from him as fast as possible. At least then I have custody and nothing is legally tying me to my family - then it's a matter of getting transportation to escape my family and find my own housing, get a job and get transportation to work (public transportation, walking, or biking to work). Getting from the middle of nowhere to somewhere I can do and have all this - in spite of the fact that my parents will probably be listening in on any phone calls and controlling everything I do, because they are that way and totally wacko misogynistic, controlling and hateful nuts, who will always see me as being helpless and always try to abuse me as much as they think they can. Now the abuse died down after I got married and moved out - because they love me in a hateful and manipulative way. They knew if they abused me then, I would leave and not look back. But now if I move back in with them again, I would not be surprised at anything they might do to me. My dad even might become physically abusive, as he once was. I wouldn't be surprised if he could become that way. So I really must get away from them as soon as I can make it on my own without anyone else trying to control my life.

[Louisa]

I guess I will take the time now to try to respond, since I don't know how much more time I will have and I don't know how much more stressful my home environment and life might get. Firstly, I want to thank everyone for all that you have said. It all helped me think of new things and feel more hope. So thank you all sincerely!

I think I am not a bad parent, and I am capable of being a very good parent. It is something that comes and goes - my confidence on whether I can be a good parent, but I think I am and I can be. I just have to take control of my life and do the good things that I am capable of doing to make sure that I am well enough. I have been seeing a bit more clearly what those things are that I need to do. Now it might take a bit of time to get to that point that I'm really well. But I feel I can get there. And in the meantime, I think I can cope and do alright, with a little help from my family - even just a little time that they can watch my daughter and give me some time to myself and if I can spend time in nature. I think I can arrange these things, somehow.

[Louisa]

escucharla - I think you are right that improving my diet and eating all whole foods and exercising can help me a lot. In fact, I had been on a diet like that for a while, including low in pesticides and charting all my sensitivities with a diet journal (because I had strange sensitivities to certain foods that weren't supposed to be high in pesticides. genetic modified or allergens and were whole foods - who knows why?) Anyway when I did that I felt so much better. Also when I cut out sugar, refined starch, caffeine and dairy, I felt more clear-headed, so much more in control of my reactions and mindful. I also used to walk for an hour or two every day, and for half a day on weekends, when I first moved to this area, a few years ago. That was when my fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue-type symptoms finally went away. But my diet deteriorated, after I had my daughter, who is very intense and hyper baby, and not having a lot of time for cooking. Also, I became very depressed after that, because of the way it all happened, and shortly before that, the BP Oil Spill occurred, having a heavy impact where I live. I became depressed and anyway, just began neglecting my diet. Eventually my fibromyalgia-type symptoms returned, a few months ago, but still not the terrible headaches like I used to have, just achiness. I think some of my symptoms in the past were sick house syndrome (because they changed with each house I lived in, better in some, worse in others), but some of it has responded to healthy diet and exercise.

But I do have strong hope that if I have a healthy diet and exercise, I might be much happier and more well.

I agree with what you say - I need to ignore the negative opinions and verbal abuse I hear. Sometimes I feel very down on myself and incompetent partly because of all the negativity and abuse that I've been through. I am becoming more and more self-sufficient and confident, I feel. So I think I'll be alright.

[Louisa]

twinkle, my parents might treat my daughter well - they do treat her well when we visit them now and she loves them very much. So at least there is that. I think they wouldn't treat me well - but maybe I can find a way to be strong enough to withstand it.

I don't hear the noises inside my body, so I doubt I have autophony. I can tolerate harmonious noise - like music, sometimes, but when I really have to concentrate, I can't tune out ordinary noises and I also get very highly stressed out with disharmonious noises (like when I had a neighbor downstairs who always blared tv and shouted all day long). It really takes a toll on me to have to be around certain kinds of noise.

[Louisa]

astralsuzy, I am not certain if I have bipolar 2. I might possibly have cyclothmia, which is milder than bipolar 2. Bipolar 2 doesn't have the full-blown manic episodes like "regular" bipolar. I was diagnosed as having clinical depression, decades ago, but I am pretty sure I was misdiagnosed. I have definite symptoms of "hypomania" sometimes - which is a part of cyclothmia and bipolar 2. I was put on many different kinds and combinations of psych drugs for my depression & anxiety. In the long run, these meds made me worse, and they made me feel very disoriented and agitated sometimes. I learned that they may affect me differently now that I'm older, and perhaps if I have bipolar instead of depression, the antidepressants might make it worse for me,... But even so, I am a little scared to try to medications for bipolar, until I have a safe and stable support system to take care of my daughter and myself, in case the medications affect me really badly. I have a relative who apparently responded really badly to lithium and had a breakdown. I definitely want to be careful with the meds. If I can live without them, it might be better. I guess it's different with each person. I may try them one day though.

And you are right we all must take risks in life. Sometimes I am scared of it, but I am becoming braver, feeling more prepared and strong lately. And yes I guess my husband got tired of me. lol I guess most people would. It is true and sad, but that's okay. I am learning to be self-sufficient because of this fact. I think I'm not so bad - but then I'm me. It seems most people get tired of my "darkness" and my personality. My husband thought he'd "fixed" me when he helped me out of my depression many years ago. When I relapsed again he didn't take it so well, but he's been there for me over the years, in spite of some verbal abuse.

[Louisa]

tragblack,
Perhaps I will try to get diagnosed for some of my illnesses. If I feel the diagnosis will be helpful to me, then I will. But in some cases, I believe that doctors don't always have a good way to diagnose certain illnesses. Many psychiatric illnesses share many symptoms with other illnesses and there's not a clear-cut way to diagnose them. I was diagnosed with depression, decades ago, but it is often the case that bipolar is misdiagnosed as depression. I have had a few years of being counseled and treated with psychiatric drugs, so I know that sometimes the doctors don't ask many questions or spend much time investigating before they slap on a diagnosis and prescribe drugs. Even with "regional experts" as was my psychiatrist - so even respected and reknowned "good" doctors can be this way. Plus, when I move out on my own and get a divorce, I probably won't have insurance. Even now, my husband's insurance is not very good and we don't have the money really for therapy, because we've got a house in another state (haven't been able to sell it) that we're paying for on top of the other bills.

I like what you say about chores enriching a person's life and helping you feel more a part of your life, instead of trying to run away. I think I've experienced something kind of like that, before I had my daughter. I think maybe I could like chores, in moderation, as long as I had enough time to myself and to relax too.

Life is easier for some than others. Having bipolar and other health problems and a history of emotional abuse and negative conditioning and social anxiety/not fitting in however hard I try, despite counseling... These problems make it harder to get through daily life. But I still think maybe I can cope. Regardless of what diagnostic boxes I might or might not fit into.

And even if I do have autism spectrum disorder, adhd, fibromyalgia, electosensitivity, chemical sensitivity, bipolar, ocd - all things I think I might have to some extent - I still don't have them as badly as many people, and I may be able to treat them with diet, exercise, self-help, spirituality, etc. and manage alright. I think it is likely (at least that's what my mood/intuition is telling me today).