Completely alone in life, not coping well

[Louisa]

Need some advice. Long story, hope you'll bear with me.

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears.

I am torn over what to do. I wrote about this situation in another post a little while ago, but now things are really apparently coming to a head. It has been unpredictable - first he'd plan on working things out and staying together, and I'd think maybe we could, and then he'd threaten ultimatums and now that's where I'm at. He's trying to control something he has no right to control (it's a personal matter - don't want to go into details)

Anyway, so now I have literally only one single friend - who is more like an acquaintance and is very negative. Other than that I have no one who I can depend on. My family is emotionally abusive and controlling. They may help me out by givin gme a place to live and watching my child, but the price I will pay for being around them is deep. They are worse than my emotionally abusive husband.

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now.

So I have a hard time being motivated and I get into these major funks.

I can't drive (I mean literally can not for the life of me drive - I am a danger on the road - I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving).

I am lonely and bored and spiritually depressed with life.

I spend much of my time just trying to escape my pain by looking at things online that give me some entertainment and a mild sense of meaning (like this forum, for example).

I hate housework, and my husband does a lot of that, plus he helps me watch my daughter for a couple of hours every night and he drives us to the park every day and we all walk together.

Having my daughter to care for all day gives me a meaning and joy in my life that I never had before, and before that I was really majorly depressed and on the path to self-destruction.

So, if I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable. Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park (which is one of my main coping mechanisms as well that gives me a little pleasure in my life)..

In short, I have no clue what to do. If I go to live with my parents, I fear they're going to kick me out sooner or later, and living with them is going to make me miserable because they can be emotionally abusive.

If I live alone, I am afraid I will have no joy, no motivation, and just be miserable and unable to make it through the day.

By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins - many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with. Requiring a restricted diet and a certain kind of work environment or I'm just mentally foggy, forgetful, anxious, and ill.

I could try to give custody to my husband, but he is emotionally abusive too, and I hate to give my daughter to him.

I know there's not much positive to be seen in this situation, but does anyone have any ideas of what to do?

Btw, I didn't mean to get pregnant, and it was highly unlikely that I was going to, but my husband manipulated the birth control. I had planned to leave him right before he did that (he didn't know). Anyway, I was going to leave even though I knew I'd probably self-destruct on my own. Now, though I feel I still might self-destruct, but I have my daughter to worry about. And no, I didn't think I & my husband would be such bad parents. I even thought about giving her up for adoption, when she was younger, but my husband wouldn't agree.

I am losing my mind and I feel there is no way to save this situation, which is the only reason why I'm airing all my personal dramas here on this site. This place is one site where I feel there are some people who are very resourceful, insightful and positive, and won't necessarily just tell me "see a psychologist", "get on antidepressants", and might have a really helpful solution, so I just thought I would see if anyone had anything else to offer to help me find a silver lining in a very dark situation.

Louisa, dear, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You have my sympathies and support. I want to remind you that no one is perfect! If you were perfect, you wouldn't be human!

Therefore, you're not a bad parent! You can be whatever you want to be by changing your frame of mind. You love your daughter and you try your best to provide for her as best you can with the resources you have. How can that make you a bad parent? It doesn't! It makes you a loving and caring parent!

You're on the right track, my dear! By monitoring your diet, you can really change the way you feel. I've noticed a complete difference when I eat whole foods - fruits, veggies, fish, seaweed. Not to mention, when I combine a healthy diet with exercise, I feel like I can accomplish all of the goals I set out to do...and so can you!

Keep up the good work! Everyone is a work in progress! Each day we should strive to be better than we were yesterday! Try your best to not let any minor setbacks prevent you from reaching your goal.

Also, don't ever let anyone make you feel inadequate or incompetent, nor let anyone emotionally or mentally abuse you! Let their negative comments go in one ear and out the other and focus on the positives in your life, rather than dwell on the negatives.

Whether or not you and your husband decide to move forward with the divorce, you are not alone! The wonderful people of Spiritual Forums will always be here cheering you on!

Not to mention, the best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy than seeing someone actually having a good life.

I wish you all the best in your endeavors, dear! I believe in you!

[twinkle]

Hi Louisa,

Sometimes one's parents can treat grandchildren better than they treated their own children. Are your parents nicer to your grandchildren when they visit? If so, it might work out if you live with them to get back on your feet again.

I just read about about a condition called autophony, which one is so sensitive to noise that even noises inside the body can be heard. I do not know if it relates to you or not.

[astralsuzy]

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation. My heart goes out to you. You need to get help. If you think you have bipolar, I do not know what bipolar 2 is, you need to go to a doctor. If you have bipolar, you will probably be on medication. It is not your fault. It can happen to anyone. It happened to one of my best friends. She is on medication. If you do not take medication your life may get a lot worse. Think of your child. You want the best for your child. You do not want your daughter to grow up and look back and think she had a terrible childhood. That happened to someone I know. This is another person. Everything we do in life we take risks. Most times we have to take risks. You are afraid the medication will make you worse. Tell the doctor that. Perhaps the doctor will put you on a lower dosage to start with to see how you go. I am not a doctor. I do not really know. f the medication is not right, keep getting it changed until it gets right. Once it is right you will have a normal life.
My guess is ONLY A GUESS, your husband finds you are hard to live with and that is why he wants a divorce. It happened to my friend. I For your sake GET HELP.

Originally Posted by Louisa

My husband is about to divorce me, it appears.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear that.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed.

There is no way to be sure unless you actually get diagnosed. You may have something completely different, or nothing at all!

Originally Posted by Louisa

I can't drive (I mean literally can not for the life of me drive - I am a danger on the road - I spent years trying to learn to drive, but now I am afraid I will never be able to - I think I may have dyscalculia, which can affect driving).

Again, you won't know unless you actually speak with a doctor about it.

Originally Posted by Louisa

I hate housework, and my husband does a lot of that, plus he helps me watch my daughter for a couple of hours every night and he drives us to the park every day and we all walk together.

Chores are an enriching part of life. Taking part in the things that keep our life running smoothly can help you feel more a part of your life again, rather than trying to escape from it. Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water, and all that.

Originally Posted by Louisa

So, if I have to go back to work and am not able to spend my time bonding and caring for my daughter I am afraid I'm just going to be miserable.

Most people, especially mothers, have to work in life to keep food on the table and the bills paid. There is no other way. There is no better thing you can do for your children than to have steady income. It sets a good example and keeps kids out of some difficult situations like I had to face because my mother was rarely employed. My mom home all day was not as fun as seeing her at least part of the day and getting to eat!

Originally Posted by Louisa

Plus having to work all day, come home, cook and clean and never get a break, having no friends,.. No time in nature to walk at the park (which is one of my main coping mechanisms as well that gives me a little pleasure in my life)..

That's life sometimes, hun.

Originally Posted by Louisa

By the way, I am very sensitive and upset by noise (highly sensitive person, maybe autism spectrum disorder), I am sensitive to electomagnetic fields (towers, power lines, etc.), I am sensitive to toxins - many kinds of housing make me sick - yet another problem I must try to deal with.

These are all things you could talk with a doctor about. It sounds like you are thinking you have a lot of diseases, and this is not quite likely. Get diagnosed! Perhaps you have nothing and then you can be worry free! If you have something, you can get it treated and then learn to live peacefully with it.

Life is hard sometimes. We have to work hard in life to get the things we need and want out of it. That's just the way it is. Try to be strong.

[xxLoveLifexx]

Hello Louisa

I'm aware of 'down-phases' and depressions in life from own experience. They are though another avenue to explore and to show/highlight how YOU define things in your life to be. Speaking of the terms you use to describe your situation, your definitions of what is going on are quite limiting and depressing, its not surprising that you get a depressing effect out of them.

One layer before all the things you're talking about there is a lot of anger going on - you complicate things before you like to feel them directly. Let go of all the effort of trying to be a 'good' person and rather come from the knowing you.

The little 'diseases' you create are connected to the pressure you have put on yourself in splitting yourself. Let go, go deeper and investigate yourself deeply in honest self-assessment. If you may want assistance I'm willing to help a little bit over Skype - in case it doesn't feel too confrontational for you at this point.

[Emmalevine]

Hi Louisa

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I've been through divorce with a child to care for and it was tough, although ultimately a release in the end.

I echo the others in that you're not a bad person, just troubled and trying to work your way out of difficulties like the rest of us!

If you're bipolar, it is very wise to see a doctor. I understand the fear of getting worse through medication, but difficult life events can trigger intense episodes and that in itself could cause significant worsening of your condition, so you really need to be monitored by a doctor at this time. At the very least talk it over with one.

I have a tough family background so I relate to your worries and concerns. Is there anywhere else you could live rather than go back there? If going back is your only choice it's possible to set boundaries for yourself although this is no quick fix and can involve a lot of self reflection.

I'm inclined to agree with what Lukas says above - it's easy to make things seem a lot worse by the perspective and thoughts applied to events. While difficult, this divorce could be the start of you reclaiming your own power in life, deciding what you want to do. You feel your options are very limited, but widening your perspective to trust in what is unfolding may well open up new possibilities. Could you make a list of options? Finding a job sounds awful to you right now, but it may provide you with a greater sense of purpose and even a property to rent/buy. Could your family help out with childcare? Are their benefits you could apply for?

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't work or do anything in particular, just attempting to open your perspective as that's where the real fruits can grow. I understand it's really painful right now, but what good could come of this situation once you've come to terms with the difficulties you face? Sometimes the hardest situations give way to the greatest personal growth.

[onetruebeliever]

[quote=Louisa]I am bipolar (type 2), pretty sure, never diagnosed. Medication might work, but frankly, I don't want to mess around with it right now. I am afraid it might make me worse, and I can't handle that right now.[quote=Louisa]

I am so very sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish I could help. The only thing I can do is say that if you think you are BP2, then you must get diagnosed and on medication. No amount of therapy, diet, exercise, rest, or praying will work if you are not stabilized. Medication is the only thing that will truly work. My son is BP1. He has been stable and happy, for 11 1/2 years now. He takes lithium and lamictal as mood stabilizers. He will more than likely be on them the rest of his life. Compare it to diabetes. It is a chronic metabolic illness and those that need insulin must take it to maintain.

Manic-depressive disorder is a chemical imbalance in your brain. You were born with it. Being female, your monthly hormones make your symptoms worse when you are cycling. Not all meds work for everyone - based on your symptoms and severity, your doc will prescribe what he thinks will work best for you. It is trial and error at first. You must give any med time to work before switching. Most psych meds take 6-8 weeks to reach a theraputic level. Side effects generally subside after 1 - 2 weeks or so. Most docs start low and slow until the correct dosage is reached. Constantly switching meds is what makes you worse. Anti depressants are a big cause of worsening for BP's. Most cannot take anti-depressants at all, some only after they are stable. Please give it a try. You could feel so much better.


..

Im sorry to hear about your divorce but at the same time i think this could be your ticket to bright happy new future!! I also suggest going to the doctor. Yes it could take a few diffrent medications or some councilling but i think speaking to somebody would be the best thing you could do for you and your daughter!! Get yourself checked out, think positive. Believe that you can overcome this and become the strong happy independant mum that you definetly CAN be!!!

Then who knows maybe if you feel better you might want to start meeting people. If social gatherings are not close to you maybe moving is a option? You can turn this around Louisa!! You can turn this into a positive new life! The strengh is right there inside you. You might just need a little helping hand with the first steps by seeing a doctor. And remember you are not alone, you are never alone. If you ever want to chat or let off some steam or worries always feel free to PM me.

Love, light and strengh to you Louisa i wish you all the best :)

[Louisa]

Thank you everyone for all your wonderful posts.

I am having a hard time right now, with this and now I just found out that my grandfather passed away. I will probably take a while to reply, just wanted to let you know.