The Absolute Difference of Indifference

[Shivani Devi]

"Kashmir Shaivism and the Decline into Non‐duality

While the original Shaivism was more in touch with reality and embraced the presence of duality Kashmir Shaivism, under the influence of Advaita and Buddhism, leaned towards a non-dual interpretation of reality. This is commonly seen to be a positive development in Shaivism, but from a higher standpoint, actually represents a regression".

With that, I was starting to feel something stirring deep within me, something I have held back and held out on for a very long time at it was starting deep within my heart, like a very familiar exquisite pain as I felt all the air totally draw from my lungs as I read on:

"Non-duality is solely a mental construct. It is in conflict not only with the nature of evolution and reality, but with basic common sense. It is what happens when the science of spirituality comes to be dominated by intellectuals. Instead of perfecting the art of reaching enlightenment, the scholars of Shaivism were engaged for centuries in useless intellectual debates. Due to this, Shaivism has become more of a philosophy than an
actual path to awakening".

It was like I had found another piece of the puzzle, as I started feeling a growing presence without my awareness of localisation within space and time...I decided to just ignore it and read on...

" The fact that the original Shaivism degraded into non-duality and lost its grasp of the inherently dual relationship between soul and the absolute negatively impacted its understanding of the nature of spiritual evolution. How can we comprehend the laws of self realization if we live in denial of our individual existence? Why?"

Now here is this guy asking all the questions I have asked of Lord Shiva for years...right here in front of me:

"Why did the original Shaivism decline into non-duality? One possible explanation is that, as was noted, it was always inclined toward mysticism, fanatical devotion, manipulating energies and psychic channels, and the use of hallucinogens or other intoxicants.

One example is the infamous soma, the ‘nectar of gods.’ According to archeological speculation, soma was an intoxicating drink prepared from a combination of opium, cannabis, and ephedra. The combination of these three elements must certainly have caused the teachers of these traditions to lose touch with reality" (or maybe to only get a very brief glimpse OF it and that's all):

"Another cause for Shaivism’s decline was its over-intellectualization. For the linear mind, putting reality into the non-duality box is cleaner and much more orderly. It also appears to make more sense from the perspective of those who do not possess a refined intelligence and imagination.

Above all, when the soul is absent, perhaps non-duality is indeed a better option than the lower, false duality of ignorance".

[Shivani Devi]

Those last two paragraphs caused the dam within my heart to burst with love for Shiva (and in all justification FOR it) because there was no way I could also be 'that' which I 'loved' and I started to cry...just totally losing it and I broke down at His feet once again...I've known for a very long time that even on any spiritual level, I am simply 'not Shiva' because what Shiva IS, simply blows all and any notion of "I" or "Me" totally away, anyway...just through any unassociated association....I read on:

"How did those who spoke of Shiva in these terms know these things? They knew them because they experienced his nature through their samadhi in his universal subjectivity. Does this mean that they really knew Shiva? No, it does not. If they had really known Shiva, they would have realized that they could never reach unity of identity with his transcendental presence. All that they knew was what they experienced, and to that they added their speculations and oversimplifications.

By reaching samadhi in Shiva, a yogi begins to experience the universal subjectivity of the ultimate reality directly, but this is not the end. He may have a taste of the nature of Shiva, but he still does not know Shiva. Universal subjectivity is merely a doorway to the transcendental subjectivity of the beyond, and no one can enter transcendental subjectivity and live to tell the tale. It is the eternal beyond, the unreachable heart of the mystery of the beloved. To identify with universal subjectivity and then to claim that this is all there is in the realm of Shiva is a serious error of judgment."

This guy speaks it straight up, as it is, directly to that Divinity inside us both!

"A yogi can neither become Shiva, nor can he truly penetrate the knowledge of his transcendental presence.To understand this is not only humility, but wisdom".

"No one can ever come close to understanding the mystery of Shiva, for he is the very essence of the transcendence of the known. He is eternally steeped in the unknown, in the unfathomable. For a soul in samadhi, Shiva is like a horizon that can never be reached, the horizon of the infinity that is illuminated by the light of his love and magnificence. The reaching, and not reaching, of the horizon of Shiva’s supreme presence is the undying journey of the soul into his ever-receding transcendental subjectivity. This is her love, for love is both reaching and not-reaching.

Love, in order to exist, can never arrive at its destination – it is always arriving. To think that by realizing one’s pure nature one has become Shiva is not only ignorant, but even arrogant".

[Shivani Devi]

With that, I was a fully-prostrating, bawling and babbling mess before my Altar and reaching for more packets of sacred Ash to do the 'rituals' again, which I again stood and faced North-East, prayed to the 8 quarters of Shani (Saturn) and screamed out "I LOVE YOU" to all the planetary deities as I entered into the trance state, totally receptive, relaxed and yet, letting all the 'energetic stuff' just do its own thing with me - and through Shakti, Shiva is known and by understanding the wavelength, the frequency is also known and one can attune inner-consciousness TO it....however, my heart seems to get carried away with this every time (and I see Him taking it and filling it up before shoving it back inside me - upside down and it's not the "Heart" that I only once thought it was...and that's how He affects me and so, I found myself in total emotional surrender but also totally open and relaxed as I marked my naked body with the sacred ash once more and yet all the tear stains through it made it difficult for it to remain anywhere...as I once again took the beads and started chanting 108 Rudra Gayatri Mantras.

Of course, I wasn't crying due to pain, fear or any negative thing...it was tears of sheer joy because I sorta had this amazingly and awesomely cool "Divine Friend" and "Teacher" and "Protector" and "Mentor" and "Lover" and "Paragon of Virtue" and He can also be a 'trickster' with a wicked sense of humour to keep Himself amused at my poor expense, it seems...and this is the Mahadeva that I 'know and love'. "Creating the Universe? oh, that was just something I did on my 'day off' when I got bored...it's weird how many have this the wrong way around"...and I will just laugh...and laugh...for hours, just laughing at creation...and the next moment, I'll be crying like a baby because it is that very feeling of Divine Love expressing itself. I finished the essay:

"The knowledge of the path to self-realization has been frozen since ancient times.

It has stopped evolving because people are more interested in theories, metaphysics, and useless cosmological models than in how to actualize their complete self beyond the illusion of partial awakening. If we have any love for our soul, and if we truly honor her supreme creator, Shiva, the lord of all souls – this must now change.

Blessings,
Anadi"

[Shivani Devi]

After this, I just felt the total depth of His Love for me and not vice versa and I knew...I could feel it totally eclipse my own energies like Rahu eclipses the Moon...there was no limit to this...no end to that feeling and no point of chronological or spacial reference and I was still just a mess of ash and tears, just offering the flame of the Diya (lamp) to the roaring flame of every other fire that isn't that flame existing before it (and mainly within my own heart, which by that point, wasn't really 'mine') and I fell in Love whilst also rising in it. In total spite of the teachings of the Laya Tantra or Soundarya Lahari (Absorption into Waves of Bliss). I am not only 'loved' and I 'love back' but I can feel myself floating in a sea of it, like a giddy schoolgirl with a lot still to learn, but the 'lessons' seem to be coming thick and fast now. Maybe they call it "you have now been 're-activated' like some kind of defunct android who strayed too far from the 'collective'.

Apart from this...at that time, I wasn't in any position to think about any of this, or even care (not that I really should anyway). It was only later I was able to trace the origins of Vishishtadvaita (Qualified Monism) or Bheda-Abheda (The Difference of Indiference) to a Sampradaya in the Shaivite schools of philosophy...which was something I wasn't able to achieve and feel comprehensively enough about doing...until now...as I let my gaze fall upon the images of Basavanna, Allama Prabhu, Sambhandar and the Tamil Nayannars and Siddhars who seemed to be the forebears of the "old wave of a much recent paridigm within the cloistered annals of hidden Shaivite philosophies"....or something like that. lol

Whatever was happening, whatever this feeling was, the air became energetically charged and He was just there...very briefly, but long enough to let me know, leaving a trail of bliss in His wake. I'm a Pashu-pati...I experience the bliss of being 'bound' to the Divine while I experience the union (yoga) of love (Bhakti)...union through Love and within the Divine/Mortal Unity, there is much Diversity, all except for the infathomable Wellspring of Absolute Brahman underlying and underpinning all perceptual existence while every human intellect tries to 'know' and to 'understand' what this universal essence poured into the form of actuality itself IS ...and quite a few times it has been like this:

Me:"Oi, Shiva....my Lord...are you 'out there' or 'in here' or wherever...but can you hear me praying to you?"

*crickets chirp"

Me: "My love, stop hiding from me...I would like to talk to you...please? I want to ask You a question...it is important to me".

Response: "You were talking to me already and I never 'went' anywhere, and stop saying you 'want to ask' and just do it..."Lord Shiva...Am I really You?" it helps if you do it THAT way...

Me "So, Am I?"

Response: "Well, what do You think?

Me: "You already KNOW what I think, so why do YOU ask?"

Yeah, most of my conversations with Him are totally boring like this...lol

[Shivani Devi]

Me: "So Mahadeva...tell me something very profound today".

Response: "Why only tell you when I can SHOW you?"

Me "Well then, don't keep me waiting..." (and He never keeps me waiting).

After that, I become lost in the Shiva Tandava Stotram again and I also start chanting this line (from the Dakshina Stotram); "Tasmai Shri Guru Murthaye Namah Idam Sri Dakshinamurthaye" and I understand it...totally...despite what any other living creature thinks, feels, expresses or experiences on their own subjective, personal level as I allow myself...my soul to merge into all the energies OF Shiva and my tired soul bathes and invigorates in this ocean of White Light and Being and I feel as if I have somehow "arrived home at last".

Sometimes I have my evening meal and sometimes I do not because I've somehow managed to pass out into the oblivion of blissful communion upon my bedroom floor once again and I'm just gone...the next morning (this morning) is only an exercise in Groundhog Day as the 7am sunlight illuminates the blue-ish tinge on the throat of a certain 'God' yet again:

Me: "Hey Shiva, why is yesterday exactly the same as today?"
Response: "Because tomorrow, today will BE 'yesterday'.
Me: "Mmmmokay...makes sense....kinda...."

So, I come to the computer and decide to write this while the 'presses are still hot' and it's fresh without the embelishment of too much 'memory of those indescribable sequence of events' which had transpired.

Om Namah Shivaya

[Shivani Devi]

Sorry I had to post it like that, but it was the only way I could do it without totally overloading the Forum's poor server too much and all at once.