I made a big mistake...

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by FairyDawn

ForeverRestless, I totally feel you in your posts. I do understand where you are coming from. I've fought with my ego over this thing for a good while, even now I still have my struggles.
I want to ask you this.....regardless of what he does and what you don't get from him. Do you love him?

FairyDawn, yes, I love him. But it took me nine months to admit that to myself. It was soon afterward that I joined this forum. I had previously thought it was a ludicrous and impossible to love someone after knowing them for such a short time, but alas, it happened. I have to cave in and admit it. Though I never admitted it to TF.

He once said to me, Do you think you're a little bit in love with me? And at the time, I was flabbergasted. The nerve of this guy to speak from such an egomaniacal place, effectively rejecting me in favor of the sins of the flesh while undermining me for emotions I was only at the mercy of. Making me feel like I was weak for having them. Proverbially dusting his shoulders off as he watched this poor desperate girl send him love daily while he had no intention of following his end of the bargain... he was just trying to figure out a way to leave me. I responded with something like, "of course not! You know it's too soon for that." He was like, "Oh, OK." Mind you, he never said he loved me, either. Although once, when we were physically together, we were lying in his bed, and I was touching his face. He said, "I feel that feeling, in my chest. Like when you fall in love." "Hmmm?" I said. He responded: "It's like the beginning of the beginning... of that feeling." I said, "Does that scare you?" And he immediately said no, and averted his gaze, even physically turning away from me. I still don't know what that meant, but he is the only one who ever brought up the term love, and it was a word that was in his repertoire throughout our entire mini relationship. It took me a long time to realize all of his accusations of me being in love with him might have been more of his projections onto me, as I was his mirror. He felt like he was in love with me, but he wanted to dump that burden on me. Make it about me. Make it my stuff. My weakness. If he thought so little of me, well, he got rid of me.

I spent two months in bed, despondent, physically, emotionally, mentally weak. My brain was a fog, I couldn't eat. I sat on my sofa and cried every time I thought of doing work (because my brain could only focus on him). I spent months trying to put myself back together, piece by piece, and finally I began to enjoy my life again, around summertime. I remained fiercely angry at him for a long time, and even angrier when I realized he was in a relationship, after telling me "it was impossible for him to be in a relationship right now"... of all the sorry excuses. He just wanted me off his back. And yet, after everything that transpired, I came out on the other side and realized I still love him. In fact, I guess I always loved him. And I love him today as much as the day I got on that plane. And it's real, and it's constant, despite all the terrible things he did.

[Illuminata007]

Originally Posted by ForeverRestless

It just seems like a choice that a person with very low self-worth would make. I continue to fail to make sense of it.

I've felt that way at times, the weirdest thing is that my self-esteem is very balanced. I am in the best place of my life. I see him struggling so much, I have a deep sense that he needs these experiences to balance, to work on his sense of self-worth and self-esteem. It helps that I was in a similar place but 10 years ago following my divorce and yes, I dated plenty, wanted and at the same time rejected stability. We are eerily similar in our emotional construct, similar struggles, nearly identical early childhood experiences/traumas. It helps me have some compassion and want to spend time with him on his term (I know, it sounds so anti-feminist which is not who I am). The last time I saw him, I stormed off after telling him off, I felt triumphant, manic also and then the huge emotional drop. I cannot cut off contact and believe me, I drop people so fast if I feel I am not being honored or treated right.

[Imzadi]

You did not make a mistake, your guides prompted you to see what you needed to so that you can break free and grow (I know it's painful...). It will get better and FEEL better as you keep learning and growing, I promise. If I can do it, ANYONE can! Please believe me. I am in union with TF now, but the most important UNION is within myself. When you reach that state of union within yourself... the concepts of TF, soulmates, relationships, and whatever else just dissolves. You are at peace within. Our TF experience is meant to propel us into this spiritual growth. While initially we think the ultimate goal is coming together with our TF in a romantic physical sense... the actual SOULFUL SPIRITUAL goal is awakening Divine Love within. However... we don't like to hear that huh? We don't want Divine Love... we want relationships... someone to make us FEEL good and complete. But hunny, we already are Free, Complete... we ARE... LOVE itself. When you find that, you will come into union with your TF. That's what happened to me. :)

[lunapixie]

Originally Posted by Imzadi

You did not make a mistake, your guides prompted you to see what you needed to so that you can break free and grow (I know it's painful...). It will get better and FEEL better as you keep learning and growing, I promise. If I can do it, ANYONE can! Please believe me. I am in union with TF now, but the most important UNION is within myself. When you reach that state of union within yourself... the concepts of TF, soulmates, relationships, and whatever else just dissolves. You are at peace within. Our TF experience is meant to propel us into this spiritual growth. While initially we think the ultimate goal is coming together with our TF in a romantic physical sense... the actual SOULFUL SPIRITUAL goal is awakening Divine Love within. However... we don't like to hear that huh? We don't want Divine Love... we want relationships... someone to make us FEEL good and complete. But hunny, we already are Free, Complete... we ARE... LOVE itself. When you find that, you will come into union with your TF. That's what happened to me. :)

Thank you and thanks to everyone else for their insights. I hear you all but it's just hard right now because my heart can't comprehend that he would ever want another woman.

I started to rationalize the whole thing. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I meant nothing to him. Who know...

He said last time we were together that he wanted me there because he had finally realized that none of his accomplishments meant anything without someone to share it with. Now he seems to have found that someone. I highly doubt that he has done any work on his emotional issues. I feel that he just jumped into the first relationship that presented itself, no disrespect to the woman. But I could be wrong and they could be walking down the aisle soon. Either way I don't think I can handle this anymore. I want out!

There are so many other things happening in my life right now and this... this is just like rubbing salt on an open wound.

Earlier today I listened to a recording of my unsuccessful past-life regression that I did in 2011 right after I met him on Facebook. I hadn't listened to it since then. What happened was either my higher self of my guides came through and spoke through me, giving me a message of hope, faith, love. It was eerie listening to my voice say those profound words back before I ever knew what the TF phenomenon was. There was a part in the message where they asked me to follow my heart and believe all the signs because they were direct divine guidance. To not question that which my heart knows to be true and to just keep spreading love and kindness wherever I go. To trust in the guidance and the outcome. It was a really beautiful passage spoken in a rythm foreign to me.

After so many ups and downs and so many years of uncertainty the last thing I want is to be worried whether or not he will marry someone else. I just want relief, peace, to just be.

I wish these memories would fade away so I could go on with my life. Today I wish I would've never met him. The pain that I am in doesn't seem to be worth it. I wish him love and happiness but I also feel sad that he found it so easy to forget all we went through. I don't mean to sound like a victim here because I'm not but... I really sacrificed a lot for him. No return. Actually, this is what I get in return: he has moved on.

I want to move on too but I can't. Not fair.

Thanks for your support friends.

[Imzadi]

Luna,

I am so very very sorry you are in such pain. I only know too well how it feels. What helped me begin to break through was when I start to let go of the need or desire to be with my TF in a relationship. That process is painful because we are all conditioned to believe that the ultimate goal and happiness is in a relationship with someone else. That is NOT true. Happiness is in YOU all along waiting for you to tap into it... It's easy to want to grasp LOVE outside of ourselves huh? Sweetie, the TF phenomenon is designed to awaken the deepest part of yourself that is PURE LOVE and JOY. It's not in your TF, it's in YOU. TF is there to be a pointer. When I awaken, my TF and I naturally came back together... but truthfully he could leave me and fly off to colonize Mars and never return and I'll be good. Isn't that weird??? That is what a true TF Union feels like. Good luck and BIG BIG HUGS. You can do this!!!

[bluebird21]

Dear Luna, Things WILL get better. You must surrender to this pain. "The only way out is through." You must fully feel your heartbreak and let it crack you open. Do not try to run from it.

Because of the extent of your suffering, it is the doorway to complete surrender. Do you pray? I have found that in times of great suffering, speaking to a Higher Power is helpful.

You will eventually realize that your Beloved IS you. That you really, really, actually do not need to be with him physically to be content and at peace, for you are already always together. But most importantly, being with YOURSELF will be more than enough.

I don't know if any of this will help you now... It probably seems so far off and conceptual. I think the best advice is to give yourself much space and time to grieve and stay committed to a good self care regime.

Sending hugs and love! You can and you will get through this!!!!

[Inika]

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[lunapixie]

I love that, FairyDawn!

[ForeverRestless]

Originally Posted by FairyDawn

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OK, maybe that sentiment is nice from a certain perspective, but overall, it says that TF did not love my soul, which is why he went seeking something else. Right?

[lunapixie]

I just got a reading from a woman who does readings for twin flames. I feel like a dark cloud has lifted. She knew everything. Really. She even sent me some Reiki. I feel so much better :)