How Does One Really Let Go?

[Akhu999]

This is a very transparent post but at this point, I don't have anything more to lose

Leaving out most details, I met this person over a year and a half ago and qe connected in a way that seemed meant to be. I didn't ask for it and wasn't looking for it (at least at that time), and it took me by quite a surprise.

Well, head-over-heels is an understatement for what happened to me. I ended up falling very deeply in love with this individual. I don't know if I'm convinced that soul-mates and twin flames are actually a real thing, so to be on the safe side, because they aren't scientifically proven, I'll just say I don't believe in them. All I know is that at some point, this connection began to feel like an obsession, and quite an unhealthy one. A lot of the external signs were there that this relationship was orchestrated bt something out of my control, but so were all of the signs that this had all the makings of a very toxic relationship.

Having been devastated by betrayal, abandonement, and heartbreak in the past, I tried, with every fiber of my being, to keep that from happening again (hence the obsessive, impulsive component). I always walked on egg shells around this person but still tried to beat my fears to the punch by bringing some questions/concerns to him maybe way before I should have, while on other aspects, putting up with things way longer than I should have...because sadly, I'm a person who wears his heart on his sleeve even after being hurt many times.

Long story short, this became the classic case of the "runner-chaser" dynamic to the point where even though he was the one who initially approached me, he ended up completely avoiding me and leaving me with no sense of completeness or closure.

There were a few times when I've walked off of my job because my anxiety over this situation was too overwhelming to function or focus on work. I've had to call the crisis hotline, many times, to get me through the night, I've been balled up in the fetal position, trembling, feeling literal coldness all over my body when it was lukewarm in the room. I've had several dreams about this individual, most of them wherein he felt like a phantom figure, have had to get an extreme amount of counseling, from many different counselors, about and behind the relationship and the breakdown thereof, eventually quit my job and now spend moat of my days lying in the bed feeling like it takes everything within me to get up and be productive and nearly impossible to motivate myself to even take a shower. A lot of addictive and self destructive behaviors have even resurfaced.

This situation has clearly brought me to ruin or triggered things within me that were very deep and the thing os I don't know how to get out of this trap I've fallen into, and I know that part of it is the inability to forgive myself for having failed, once again, at connecting to a person I love on a deeper level. Some have told me it wasn't my fault but others have been honest with me and told me it was. Although I didn't do it intentionally, I came off very needy, desperate, clingy, insecure, demanding, and overvearing, which would naturally turn anyone off. I'm angry woth myself for not having learned enough from the past to prevent this from happening no matter how hard I tried.

I'm also furious and full of rage toward him for leading me on and playing with my very real emotions and taking them so lightly. This situation is not just one thing but many layers of things overlapping. I know that. But I hate being so paralyzed by the aftermath of this situation and feeling like letting go and moving on is impossible. I'm watching my life pass me by and feel helpless to do anything about it, and also feel like I deserve it for being so stupid and allowing myself to be bamboozled. I feel overwhelmed by humiliation and regret and I know that must be a big part of what's keeping me trapped.

My question is have you ever experienced something like this and hiw can I ley go of this person? Not in a malicuous sense but in a way that I can be nuetral? I just don't want to be burdened my this attraction anymore because it's taken full control over my life. I really want to be free!

[inavalan]

If I understood it correctly, yours is a case of addiction, and could be treated by a hypnotherapist, in a few sittings.

[iamthat]

Originally Posted by Akhu999

This situation has clearly brought me to ruin or triggered things within me that were very deep and the thing is I don't know how to get out of this trap I've fallen into, and I know that part of it is the inability to forgive myself for having failed, once again, at connecting to a person I love on a deeper level. Some have told me it wasn't my fault but others have been honest with me and told me it was. Although I didn't do it intentionally, I came off very needy, desperate, clingy, insecure, demanding, and overvearing, which would naturally turn anyone off. I'm angry with myself for not having learned enough from the past to prevent this from happening no matter how hard I tried.

As you say, this situation seems to have triggered some very deep things within you. And it sounds as if this is not the first time. Which suggests that there are issues within yourself you need to explore.

At the risk of asking the obvious, did you have issues as a child of being abandoned, rejected or unloved? This would certainly explain the needy/desperate/clingy/insecure/demanding aspects. If a part of you desperately craves to feel loved and you pin all that craving onto one person then you are very vulnerable to that person's response.

And unfortunately the response of the other person is often to withdraw. He might have felt completely overwhelmed by your neediness. But as you feel the other person withdrawing you become even more desperate, and so it goes around in a vicious cycle.

Originally Posted by Akhu999

I'm also furious and full of rage toward him for leading me on and playing with my very real emotions and taking them so lightly. This situation is not just one thing but many layers of things overlapping. I know that. But I hate being so paralyzed by the aftermath of this situation and feeling like letting go and moving on is impossible. I'm watching my life pass me by and feel helpless to do anything about it, and also feel like I deserve it for being so stupid and allowing myself to be bamboozled. I feel overwhelmed by humiliation and regret and I know that must be a big part of what's keeping me trapped.

He is the obvious target for your fury, but is your fury really directed elsewhere?

You said before you are angry at yourself - is all this fury and rage you feel towards him really you being furious at yourself?

And (at the risk of making assumptions about your childhood) could it be that your real rage comes from when you were young and is directed at people like your parents who were "supposed" to love you unconditionally but perhaps failed to do so?

(I realise that I am making various assumptions which could be completely off the mark, in which case I apologise. Knowing almost nothing about you, I am really just putting forward possibilities which may or may not apply).

Originally Posted by Akhu999

My question is have you ever experienced something like this and how can I let go of this person? Not in a malicious sense but in a way that I can be neutral? I just don't want to be burdened my this attraction anymore because it's taken full control over my life. I really want to be free!

Yes I have. The details are not important but many years ago a lot of childhood issues came up for me and I felt very confused, insecure, needy, desperate, clingy etc. A particular woman (who was trying to help me) became the focus for all this. She was my personal guide in the spiritual group I was then involved in. I craved her unconditional love and when I couldn't get it my feelings turned to anger. Mentally I could understand what was happening to me, but I was trapped in my emotional needs. In short, it was a horrible time.

I dealt with it by going back to the real cause - my issues from my childhood, re-experiencing all the pain and rejection which had long been suppressed. Gradually I became free from it all. Nowadays I look back at that period as a time of deep inner healing and I am actually grateful for it all, but at the time it was awful.

In your case it sounds like this has happened before, which suggests that this is a deep pattern which you need to address before you can become free. Otherwise the chances are that it may repeat itself again in a future relationship.

I won't go on at length as I do not know enough about your background, but I hope that something in what I have said might be helpful.

Peace.