What exactly does "too intense" mean, exactly?

[John Elessar]

Tinks, I think you hit the nail on the head. From some conversations we've had it's pretty clear her spirituality is conventional (Christian) tho of course that in and of itself doesn't say much (she made some anti-Republican jokes so she's not a fundie thank Og).

I just hate not being myself, pretending that my passions don't run deep (when they most certainly do-and I'm not talking about my passion for the other person, but my passions for life in general), just so I don't "scare" off anybody (and the irony there is that by withdrawing into myself I wouldn't attract the right one who would be drawn to the energy!). Withdrawing the gifts I had honed and arrayed hurts, tho some might argue that that they are the problem itself. <laugh> I guess one of the main lessons I've learned (and re-learned) is that life is too short and to live life without fear and not let it stop you, and it breaks my heart when I see other people who can't seem to learn this lesson (yes I indirectly put a little of that into my lessons with my students).

[John Elessar]

As an aside to all this, I will often read the "Real Astrology" column (which runs in my local altweekly-otherwise I'm not into astrology at all), and a few weeks ago it had this to say for Cancers such as me:

You now have a special talent for helping your allies tap into their dormant potentials and latent energy. If you use it, you'll have the knack for snapping lost sheep and fallen angels out of their wasteful trances. There's a third kind of magic you have in abundance: the ability to coax concealed truths out of hiding. Personally, I hope you make lavish use of these gifts. I should mention, thoough, some people may resist. The transformations you could conceivably set in motion with your superpowers may be alarming to them. So hang out as much as you can with change-lovers who like your strong medicine.

Guess that's why I'm here then! It also describes my main motivation to teach as well.

I totally agree with the point you made there. What is the point of hiding away how you really are in order not to 'scare off' the one we are drawn to or attracted to. It's the most annoying and awkward thing to find yourself walking on eggshells as to cater to someone else (eg afraid of getting in their way, saying wrong thing etc).

So SO WHAT.....Yep I'm all for staying true to you and being exactly who you are. If they fear the intensity it's their issue and ultimately their loss. They can remain in shallow relationships that will bring misery and empty voids inside themselves. While people like you and I will wait for as long as it takes til that Mr and Mrs awesome feel the vibration of our frequency and actually LOVE it, not fear it.

I actually met someone not long ago that I got along with so well and we had a lot in common. The only problem was that I didn't feel romantically attracted to him but felt a great friendship was forming. I started to cater around him because he DID feel romance for me. Since I was 'afraid' of hurting his feelings I would walk on eggshells. Dodge topics and all sorts. Finally I realised I was doing neither of us any good so I came out and told him exactly how I felt.... Now he doesn't talk to me anymore. That just shows what true friendship that would have been anyway.

Meh, I'd rather wait then be stuck in an unhappy situation just to please someone else.

I'll know it has come when my heart just won't stop singing.

'They can remain in shallow relationships that will bring misery and empty voids inside themselves'

I shouldn't say that. How am I to know. Just because someone I am drawn to or attracted to that chooses to be in another relationship doesn't mean it will bring them misery. So ignore that comment. It's very ignorant of me. And comes off as bitter which I don't want at all. And No, there is no one I am involved with or interested in that is in a relationship that I am drawn to so it is not even of my own current circumstance.

I apologise for that comment.

[John Elessar]

Well, there's probably a continuum going on there (from bottom to top):

Miserable mutually-abusive relationship, bitter & acrimonious, but neither can let go for whatever reasons
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"Dead inside" relationship-they go through the motions, but all passion is long gone
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Conventional, with the typical ups-and-downs, but nothing earth shattering (describes most "successful" marriages)
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Post-conventional, honest sharing of joys and feelings and attitudes, deeper and more passionate than most
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Soul-shattering collision of two souls merging into one, with all that entails (typifies what this subforum is all about I'd say)

But outsiders can't really judge as you said-only the participants in question will be in a position to know.

Originally Posted by Tinks

I totally agree with the point you made there. What is the point of hiding away how you really are in order not to 'scare off' the one we are drawn to or attracted to. It's the most annoying and awkward thing to find yourself walking on eggshells as to cater to someone else (eg afraid of getting in their way, saying wrong thing etc).

So SO WHAT.....Yep I'm all for staying true to you and being exactly who you are. If they fear the intensity it's their issue and ultimately their loss. They can remain in shallow relationships that will bring misery and empty voids inside themselves. While people like you and I will wait for as long as it takes til that Mr and Mrs awesome feel the vibration of our frequency and actually LOVE it, not fear it.

I actually met someone not long ago that I got along with so well and we had a lot in common. The only problem was that I didn't feel romantically attracted to him but felt a great friendship was forming. I started to cater around him because he DID feel romance for me. Since I was 'afraid' of hurting his feelings I would walk on eggshells. Dodge topics and all sorts. Finally I realised I was doing neither of us any good so I came out and told him exactly how I felt.... Now he doesn't talk to me anymore. That just shows what true friendship that would have been anyway.

Meh, I'd rather wait then be stuck in an unhappy situation just to please someone else.

I'll know it has come when my heart just won't stop singing.

I really liked and related to this post.

Here's what I mean by "intense." When I met him, freaky things began to happen. Not to long after, I was diagnosed as bipolar. I can certainly understand why -- I was exhibiting every symptom of "mania." Joy, euphoria, visions of light, thinking I was getting messages from god, seeing angels, etc... this went well beyond infatuation or falling in love.

I had never had any sort of mental issues before, or since. With a touch of his hand and a look deep into his eyes, he set off the "mania" and I lost my grip on "reality." When I cut contact and "ran" (if that's what you want to call it), all of that stopped and I was back to normal. In fact, my dx was eventually cleared -- the doc says I must've just had some sort of "identity" crisis.

I now look back on it and I see the pattern: when I'm around him, this happens to me. When I'm not, it doesn't. I've come to view this as kundalini awakening and I have been working on getting myself grounded enough to handle it, should I see him in person again, but ... yeah... there is a fear of the intensity and that's what I mean when I say "it's intense."

To me, it's too intense for some because it leaves you completely vulnerable when you are not ready to become completely vulnerable. Have you heard the song "Halo" by beyonce? It's like someone takes a bulldozer to your walls as soon as the revelation hits you. There is no long-term getting to know each other faze....ill-only-let-you-in-this-much. Depending on how much you've experienced in life, sometimes it can be the last thing we desire to experience.
I can say he's the only one i let in completely as soon as we reunited. I guess hell realize this later. It took a lot for me to work up the courage. I dont make eye contact with people, but I was lost in his forever. But I was still completely beside myself and...it was just too much to handle.


The relationship is kinda like if I dont see you in 20 years it's ok type thing.


LOL, ok Im done.

[onelove]

Originally Posted by John DiFool

I guess I personally thrive on the stuff-to me, someone saying something is too intense is like saying that ice cream is too delicious, so I won't eat it (diet issues aside), or that the sunset is too beautiful so I won't look at it. Why do people then run from or avoid intense relationships? Isn't that what life is ultimately all about? Wouldn't your curiosity outweight your fear in this case, wondering just how far the envelope can be pushed? Or am I being too naive about something that is escaping me here and which seems obvious to everyone else in modern society? Yes, in case you are wondering, I've personally gotten that line from some of the women I've dated...

I too would say something too intense is like saying ice cream is too delicious.. I thought that was a great description when I read that!! But I have come to believe most people don't think this way. In my experience, people find the relationships that don't test their very inner emotions and feelings to be easier and tend to gravitate towards them. I wish this wasn't my experience but I find that I actually settled for a much less intense spiritual relationship because it was less so, and much more harmonious to be honest.

I met twin before I met husband and knew the type of relationship I had with twin would be very hard, if not impossible, to find (and keep) again so I choose to live my life with a less intense relationship. My truth is that all the deep connections I had were not very stable and that's what I need in this life more then anything for some reason. I was willing to stay in the intensity with my 'twin', because all the pain and uncomfort in the world was worth it to me, but he wasn't ready - so we parted just over a decade ago never to speak again. I choose a life I knew would satisfy the stability and support me, but I miss the connection we had every day. Its bittersweet but it is what it is... at least that is the motto I have adopted out of necessity, but there is truth in that saying. I believe everything happens for a reason.

So I am no different then my unfortunate experience, but I would never advise someone to do like I have. If you can find someone to have that deep relationship with, and they are open to it as well, jump on that roller coaster and ride it for as long as you can, because it will truly be very intense but so worthwhile. That is my opinion anyways, just doesn't seem to have been in the cards for me. At least, not at this moment in my life. Who knows what the future holds... life can change at any moment.

Originally Posted by John DiFool

[Put this here because it is tangential to the often-dramatic relationships which often characterize SM/TS/etc. connections.]

I guess I personally thrive on the stuff-to me, someone saying something is too intense is like saying that ice cream is too delicious, so I won't eat it (diet issues aside), or that the sunset is too beautiful so I won't look at it. Why do people then run from or avoid intense relationships? Isn't that what life is ultimately all about? Wouldn't your curiosity outweight your fear in this case, wondering just how far the envelope can be pushed? Or am I being too naive about something that is escaping me here and which seems obvious to everyone else in modern society? Yes, in case you are wondering, I've personally gotten that line from some of the women I've dated...

Interesting.

I'll give you some feedback as a woman who has dated some pretty intense men.

It is crucial for me to feel like I will be allowed to 'breathe'. Step away and process the date without the anxiety of the dating protocol. Does that make sense so far?

Too much too fast can feel intense. Too intense crosses my boundaries of what I am comfortable with re what the other person hopes/expects/needs of me. I want to have the time and space to find that sense of 'knowing' for myself if I am willing to join someone for a 'intense' relationship.

Another thing for many if not most people (men included), 'intense' means you open yourself up to being vulnerable enough to 'go there'. And what if it doesn't work out? That kind of disappointment has literally traumatized some people. I see that you are 49 years old. It's a difficult time for many women at that age because they have come from a generation of role playing as the 'giver' and it has quite often not been reciprocated, but it has been 'enjoyed'. Many women now are less willing to open themselves up to repeating cycles that caused them to feel unfulfilled. But that is just one example and I am aware that loads of people (mainly males) will take offense to it and perhaps challenge it. That's fine.

In short, in my opinion it's about TRUST. That takes a Lot of time for me anyway.