Girl and Mother-in-law problems

Hi,

This will be my first thread, so sorry if i make any mistakes or something like that

The issue is similar to the problems between a girl and her mother-in-law when the mother doesn't like the girl and doesn't allow her boy to marry this girl... Actually there is no girl in my relationship with my boyfriend becasue we are gays. The problem is my mother and brother will never (or for a long time) agree my relationship. So how am supposed to act against them? Pretend i don't have a boyfriend and i'm doing nothing sexual? Or try to tell them about my boyfriend? I would really love to see them meeting and being a big family just like others.

I don't wanna ruin my family's thought about myself and driven them to a big drama, sometimes it is better to just shut up. But i hate the fact i have to live like that, different lives with bf and different lives with family, LIES. Don't think it is a efficient lifestyle.

Waiting for a wise answer :P. (Kidding, feel free to answer)

Thanks.

Koray

Hi Kor.
I guess keeping secrets at that level is not something good. You already seem uncomfortable with the situation.
I you keep it a secret, then you will keep it for how long?

If you talk about it with them how will they react?
It's good to know what they think about gay relationships.
Maybe you can bring the subject and talk about it with them without hinting that you are gay to see how they react.

But this kind of decision must be done by yourself. Only you can know if you're going to tell them or if you're going to keep it a secret.

[sea-dove]

You can never make another accept something they arent ready to accept, so you may have to learn to be fine about this.

I assume they already know you are gay?

Maybe just simply tell them " you have a boyfriend now called "?????" and I'd like you to met him sometime"but then leave it at that. Pushing your relationship on others not ready to accept it, will only cause issues. They just need to be ready first for more info.

You may also need to make it clear to them that this other is part of your life too at times eg its your birthday, go and have it with your family but tell them you need to leave early as you also want to spend time on your birthday with your boyfriend. (of cause if they are having a party for you, simply ask if you can bring him but be prepared to accept a no).

Just keep trying without pushing and hopefully with time they will accept when they realise this is just not going to go away. They will never accept if you just keep hiding it, so you do need to bring your relationship out in the open. Give them time to get used to it.

Sea-dove has said it all really. And I understand a parent's viewpoint in a way. For some, accepting that their offspring is in an intentionally permanent relationship with someone of the same sex can be an offput. It would be to me for several reasons but I wouldn't rail against it. I'd probably let it be, and let my child (were I to have one) and "partner" just drift from my life.

One's children own their lives and parents must learn to stop dictating the terms once a child has reached sufficient adulthood to be on their own feet, choose partners, own property, i.e. become independent. The parent-child relationship while always technically a fact has to become respectfully adult-adult.

Thanks, yea they know me being gay, but it is just a silent issue between us.

Once i had a bf, and my mom realised him. She asked me directly in a angry voice "Who is that guy on phone you talk like that?", after thinking a while she: "I will tell this to your big brother and make him threat if you go on like this!". And i turned into mad: "How possible you can say this, What the hell is wrong with you??, are you even my family?!!, can't i live in peace for a minute??" etc...

She knew she said too much and didn't even ask for it anymore but it was 1-2 year ago, i dont know if she is ready but she is a constant and cold hearth person, im not hopeful about it...

It is a good questiong that how long can i live like this? Maybe they will realise that we are getting colder and colder in family relationship and start acting. I'm not really willing to tell them about my bf.

[joyfirst]

Koray, it seems like you are getting this secrecy and unacceptance from many sources (your family AND your boyfriend himself -as we read in your other thread), which says, that you have some beliefs, that influence your vibration about relationships, you being gay, etc. This is a totally different matter, and leaving your boyfriend and not talking to you family won't help. You have to find a way to soften those beliefs, and start loving yourself as you are, and accepting yourself as you are. From that you will naturally start accepting and loving others as they are. And then, from that good feeling place, then you can take the best action.
Not sure, that this is helpful, but could be a beginning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98ApKUqb-RQ

I don't really think you understood me, i already love myself as i am, but the people are just silent and pretend there are no gays in Turkey. What i am trying to do is we are here and start seeing us. It already started to be shown on social media. I understand that i must soften the people but i don't care because it is not my problem. Nobody helped me when i was depressed so i won't help people to be softened. I will watch it when i get to my notebook.

This video completely describes my bf, he is a homophobic gay. He think he has to hide all life.

Originally Posted by KoSeKu

Thanks, yea they know me being gay, but it is just a silent issue between us.

Once i had a bf, and my mom realised him. She asked me directly in a angry voice "Who is that guy on phone you talk like that?", after thinking a while she: "I will tell this to your big brother and make him threat if you go on like this!". And i turned into mad: "How possible you can say this, What the hell is wrong with you??, are you even my family?!!, can't i live in peace for a minute??" etc...

She knew she said too much and didn't even ask for it anymore but it was 1-2 year ago, i dont know if she is ready but she is a constant and cold hearth person, im not hopeful about it...

It is a good questiong that how long can i live like this? Maybe they will realise that we are getting colder and colder in family relationship and start acting. I'm not really willing to tell them about my bf.

If they know you are gay already, then at least that part have passed.
Given that they already know, they should be thinking that you already have a boyfriend or maybe that you are sleeping with several people, who knows, I'm just saying this because is a possibility, because people tend to think that gay people are just crazy and are sleeping around and doing all kinds of things.
So, having said this, maybe it would be a good idea to explain them that you have your boyfriend, that you are not sleeping around with everyone, and that you are conscious and responsible about yourself. So that they don't have to use their imagination and wonder what are you doing when you go out.
But again, this decision must be done by you and you should meditate on it before making a decision.
I hope everything goes well.

Originally Posted by ephirex

If they know you are gay already, then at least that part have passed.
Given that they already know, they should be thinking that you already have a boyfriend or maybe that you are sleeping with several people, who knows, I'm just saying this because is a possibility, because people tend to think that gay people are just crazy and are sleeping around and doing all kinds of things.
So, having said this, maybe it would be a good idea to explain them that you have your boyfriend, that you are not sleeping around with everyone, and that you are conscious and responsible about yourself. So that they don't have to use their imagination and wonder what are you doing when you go out.
But again, this decision must be done by you and you should meditate on it before making a decision.
I hope everything goes well.

Thanks. It made my mind clearer.