New developments

[ForeverRestless]

This has been a painful past couple of days for me. A lot of acknowledgments, a lot of purging, new kinds of confusion.

Most of it isn't focused around my Twin Flame, really.

I happened upon a random psychic reading on Facebook on Saturday. The woman doing the live reading pulled a card for me, which was the karma or Judgement card. It reinforced all the cards I've been pulling for myself lately. Basically it channels my own feelings of guilt around what I've said to my Twin Flame, but also deals with the inherent feelings of guilt I have in my life. I grew up in an environment where my caretakers constantly told me that everything I did was wrong, inadequate, malicious, etc. The entire core of my psychological being was built up around the concept that I was, at my very essence, wrong for being born, wrong in everything I did, that I should feel shame/ashamed/guilty, even when I had no reason to. Even the fact that I would need to go to university one day was a source of guilt/shame for me. While I was working overtime in school to not only get 100s on everything, but get extra credit for every assignment (101, 102, 103), I was doing this to not only find some measurable sense of my own worth that could not be cut down or argued by my parents, but also to ensure that I would be able to pay my own way through college, because I was made to feel like I was a tremendous burden on my parents. I felt constant guilt as a child for anything financial. I have also felt like a burden on everyone throughout my life. Not good enough, not what they wanted, they deserve more/better than me, etc.

This underscores the things that came to the surface when I met my Twin Flame. I had abandonment/unworthiness issues, so he "rejected" me and I felt abandoned and unworthy. I continue to feel this way until I learn to heal this. And the karma card is telling me loud and clear to stop this awful cycle, and to get out of my own way.

It is a difficult process. The further along I get in my adulthood, the more I realize I am more damaged than I ever believed in the past. And that's because I realize that I was distracting myself in the past, with whatever hobby, whatever new relationship, whatever major career goal or major career milestone could give me the "fix," like a drug, that would keep me momentarily distracted from my childhood pain and wounds. Would give me a sense of purpose. Would keep me moving forward. But the wounds were always there. We can keep going, distracting ourselves, telling ourselves to live in the moment, take a walk in nature, start dating someone new and exciting, take a fantastic trip, paint a painting, write a poem, adopt a pet, and so on and so on, but all of these things are on the surface. And they distract from the core wounds that are underneath everything. The older and further along I get on my journey, the more damaged and broken I feel as a human being, because the more in touch I am with the things that were covered up before by all these self-protective layers.

When TF left, I was like the rubble of a building. I was nothing. I had to rebuild myself brick by brick. But I saw the very foundation of me. And it was not pretty. I cannot unsee it anymore. I can continue building something shiny on top of it, doing "loving" things for myself and taking trips or finding a new hobby, but the foundation itself remains, and it's the foundation itself that needs the attention.

That's why all my tarot cards are about the critical status of my own existence, rather than anything involving TF. Whether my TF is meant to be in my life one day or not, right now, there is an S.O.S. alarm blaring for my own soul, and we have to handle the emergency, put a tourniquet on the wound, before we can even consider anything beyond that, like reunion with my TF. How can I teach myself that I deserve good things as much as anyone else? This is the only thing I should be focused on. I am in a dire place in my life right now, and nothing, none of the signs or syncs or tarot cards are even about him. And they have not been for months, and now I'm hearing that message loud and clear. It's all about me helping myself. Healing myself. But how do I heal the very core of who I am? The very foundations of my identity? Who I was taught that I was in relation to all other people and things in the world? And all the negativity around that? Even figuring out where to start is so overwhelming that I do not even want to try. I know deep down that I believe (because it's what I was taught) that good things are reserved for other people, but not for me. Because of what my parents taught me, I believe I was created to suffer and to struggle, to be beneath other people, to be a burden and a thorn in others' sides. To be someone they'd be better off without. Where do I start undoing lessons that were drilled into me from age 3? I'm now nearly 33.

The past couple of days have included many thoughts and intense dreams around TF, but I won't get into that in this post. I'll reserve my epiphanies about TF for another post. What I will say in reference to my Twin Flame is this... As these past couple of days have led to feelings of awakening, they've included literal purging. I pulled out a bag of keepsakes from the few weeks when I was physically with TF. I looked through every receipt and stub and train ticket, etc. There were no repeating numbers to speak of. I'll tell you what this says to me: The repeating numbers were never about him. And I see numbers literally all the time these days. Even when I was at a meeting this morning, I looked out the window into the parking lot and saw a license plate with the number 7777 on it. The numbers insanity is constant in my life now, but I can look back at all ephemera from the time I was physically with my Twin Flame and I see NONE of it. So what this is telling me is that this has always been about me. Even when I think back to the first time I noticed the repeating numbers, I know it was about six months after TF and I separated. I saw two packages on a flat-bed truck labeled 33, so I saw this truck driving across the bridge with "33 33" on it in fluorescent pink spray paint. I took a photo because it was so striking. Then the barrage of numbers only continued from there. But I'm realizing now that it never had anything to do with my Twin.

Something else has been happening to me over the weekend that I didn't think was related to all these epiphanies. I thought there was actually something wrong with my eyesight, literally. I mean I dropped my iPhone on Friday and the LCD screen came somewhat loose; the pixels on the screen are not working as well and images are not as sharp. I thought this was affecting my general vision somehow. But it's been kind of alarming. Every time I look up at something, I see grids of pattern across everything, as if I'm looking at the world through a mosquito screen. I started Googling my symptoms as I always do, and I see that this is a symptom of spiritual awakening, or something people see when they're tripping LSD. It's being able to see the matrix, essentially. Um, WHAT?? I am kind of freaked out. Here I was thinking I had a medical issue with my retinas just from looking at a bad LCD display on my iPhone, and now I'm finding out that I am "waking up." My vibration must be tuning in to the correct frequency, finally, as I realize what all the numbers and messages are telling me: to heal my core wounds, the very foundation of my identity and who I am. As the world displays as a grid before me, as alarming as it may seem, I now know I am finally starting to see things clearly for the first time. I'm seeing the energetic framework beneath everything. And it may have absolutely nothing to do with my TF.

Who's been here? When did you realize that the numbers are all about you and not about union? Have you visualized the matrix on our world? Where do I start unpacking this? Is there a separate section on Spiritual Forums where I can learn more about this?

[Cleo the cat]

Wow, you are doing so well! I too used to think the numbers were all about my TF union. It was only after he ran that I realised I had a hell of a lot of work to do on myself. I thought I was ok, I really wasnt, I had a hell of a lot of my past to dig up, and when I did I understood myself, my actions, my patterns of behaviour with such clarity. Now I feel ready to move forward, and glad of the lessons I have learnt. I never got the kind of spiritual awakening you have, and I'm actually kind of jealous!

Undoing negative thought patterns from your childhood is no easy task, but once you start to understand how they have shaped your adulthood, that is the first step to healing and moving forward. I understand that I need to start healing myself but I dont know if I can do it alone, I may see a professional who can help me.

Best of luck!

[ForeverRestless]

Thank you, Cleo! I can feel a beautiful spirit in your response.

[selene]

this is a beautiful development FR :). for starts, let me tell you that I saw your response to my post on your other thread, but I haven't been able to answer properly... all I have to say for now is that I totally understand.

regarding this recent set of developments... I have very much gone through the same issues growing up... I think for me, it was clear very early on that this was about me and not him -but I think that despite talking about it, I had not realized the layers of this 'about me'... and maybe I still have not, as I am still working... but I have learned to not dread these difficult, purging incidents anymore.

At the beginning of my journey, I had this very magical moment when I did not visualize the matrix exactly but I felt it... it shook me deeply. So, my advice is to approach it with curiosity and enjoy it... it is worth it :).

[jro5139]

Yes I've been there with the numbers and the spiritual awakening. For me, the numbers started after physical separation with twin started. Right after to be exact. 11:11 started when I read through a website (nothing tf related). And went from there, after my full-fledged awakening started, I started seeing 33, 44, 55 always in that order usually 20-40 times per day. Way too much to ignore. Point is it never happened while I was around twin physically for 2.5 years.

After our physical separation (we were still talking a lot via messenger) and after he broke my heart (the first time), I did a lot of inner/ shadow work as well as this is time I really started to read about spiritual stuff and research twin flames. After doing the inner work that is really when my awakening began. I had a lot of the symptoms you read about. But what it really was, was a vibration raise, along with new perspectives and a lot of learning. During this 3-4 months of full-fledged ascension is when my third eye opened.
So yeah, been there. The spiritual development section of the forum has addressed this stuff in a number of threads. I've thought for a long time that the numbers were about awakening and being on the highest path, more than about tf. Although tf seemed to be a spring board for the awakening, I don't think it would have happened without having that tf experience. It's all connected.