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[authentic]

After my partner of 10 years ended things very abruptly, I moved across the country back to my hometown to start fresh. By last summer, about 8 months after moving, I started toying with the idea of going back to school because I wanted to take care of the elderly.

The day after I started looking at schools to apply to, I had an incident at work. I had to call 911 for an elderly woman who had fallen. That was when I decided for sure I wanted to work in healthcare.

That was when it all started. From that point on, I was always the one getting 911 calls during my shifts. They kept progressing. The week before I started my course and got my first aid training, more falls. Helping paramedics load people onto stretchers.

Eventually I started thinking about working in end-of-life care specifically. Right before we started that unit, I had another 911 call. An older gentleman was having trouble breathing. I waited with him for the ambulance. He thanked me for staying with him, I said there's no way I would leave him alone. I found out later from a coworker he passed away at the hospital.

Another person who always came by my work was having trouble walking one day. Again I had to call. Next time I saw him, he thanked me. Turns out he had a bad infection in his leg and would've died had he not gotten surgery. That was a few months ago.

A couple weeks ago, I walked in on that same person unresponsive. I had to do chest compressions for the first time. I will never forget what I walked into that day. Paramedics said he had already been gone for several hours, possibly since the previous day. It was an overdose.

I've had nightmares every night, I see his blue face every time I close my eyes. I know there was nothing I could've done, but the guilt is eating me up.

I don't know what my angels are trying to tell me. I don't know why they keep testing me, why these incidents just keep getting worse and worse. Are they trying to teach me how to be strong? How to let go? I can't take it anymore.

I feel like something has changed inside. I can't pinpoint what. I just feel so bad I didn't find him sooner. I'm sorry I couldn't save him this time, god knows I tried so hard. I cried as I did compressions. He was so young.

Is there a spiritual meaning behind such emergencies? There's so many employees at my work, and I even dropped from full to part-time and I'm still the only one running into these situations.

This can't just be a coincidence.

Thank you for reading. ♥