Estranged from parent(s)?

[*Red-Bird*]

My mother and I always had a terrible relationship and for the past 20 years have been completely estranged, no communication whatsoever apart from a couple of letters from her to me, asking for forgiveness and to to heal the rift. I didn't respond to either letter.

I try to live life as a good person, it took me a long time to find light to carry in my soul and sometimes I feel as if this one issue taints it, extinguishes part of that light. I do not want to have any contact with her but I worry that my refusal to forgive and forget will cause a backslide or stagnation in my spiritual development.

Are there any others in the same situation and suffering the same predicament?

[Phoenix777]

Part of life and our relationships is that finding ways past that stagnation and someone wanting to be forgiven, them finally feeling that pain may be them coming to terms with what they've done. Forgiveness is hard especially if they go back to their old ways. Ways of how we progress in this kind of life, is bringing people together in the right ways, direct dialogue and chosen words. try and keep emotions out of the way and clarity in the matter should set in. Once the point is breached by both, then emotions came come in and let it heal.

Leaving others and family behind makes a mark on us and will impede parts of your progress. Collaboration changes the future. Picking up the lost is what we do, and doing this brings us much light and heals us as well.

[PeaceLilly]

My children's father had many personal issues and stepped out of their lives for about 23 years. No contact at all.

This past year he reached out. After a meeting with him one of my children has cut him out of their life completely. The other one has slight contact with him. Neither will have a close relationship with him.

My mother and I have never been close and never really will be. We are as opposite as can be. There are things in my past that I had to overcome, things she lied about and hurt me deeply.

For your own peace, I would try to accept it and let it go. IMO, we all have lessons to learn, some are painful. Will it alter your spiritual growth? IMO, only you can answer that.

I watched a program involving the life of an extremely spiritual monk. His father was passing and asked to see him as it had been decades since he had contact. The monk's response was it wasn't a good time for him, he would see him in the after life.........

[Pagandell]

Originally Posted by *Red-Bird*

My mother and I always had a terrible relationship and for the past 20 years have been completely estranged, no communication whatsoever apart from a couple of letters from her to me, asking for forgiveness and to to heal the rift. I didn't respond to either letter.

I try to live life as a good person, it took me a long time to find light to carry in my soul and sometimes I feel as if this one issue taints it, extinguishes part of that light. I do not want to have any contact with her but I worry that my refusal to forgive and forget will cause a backslide or stagnation in my spiritual development.

Are there any others in the same situation and suffering the same predicament?

Yes I'm in the same situation with my mother, and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and i'm also hung up on the forgiveness thing and how it effects my spiritual path

[Snow Goose]

Originally Posted by Pagandell

Yes I'm in the same situation with my mother, and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and i'm also hung up on the forgiveness thing and how it effects my spiritual path

Try to find the understanding, why did this happen? Knowledge is power.

I have had problems with my mother, I won't go into detail, I know that she is a product of a messed up society. That doesn't make her any less of a dangerous person but it brings me to a point of understanding so that I can move forward even though I will have nothing to do with her in the future.

Originally Posted by *Red-Bird*

My mother and I always had a terrible relationship and for the past 20 years have been completely estranged, no communication whatsoever apart from a couple of letters from her to me, asking for forgiveness and to to heal the rift. I didn't respond to either letter.

I try to live life as a good person, it took me a long time to find light to carry in my soul and sometimes I feel as if this one issue taints it, extinguishes part of that light. I do not want to have any contact with her but I worry that my refusal to forgive and forget will cause a backslide or stagnation in my spiritual development.

Are there any others in the same situation and suffering the same predicament?

I think of myself on a path of spiritual development. Although I still have a way to go I'm miles from the beginning but believe I'm doing well enough.

And I haven't seen my birth parents for 23 years. They were never my spiritual ancestors. I was pulled from their home at 13+ (about which it doesn't matter) and I shut the door. There were attempts to get me back or, I suppose along your same lines, to forgive. I declined to engage. There is nothing for me to forgive - they are as they are and I, likewise.

It was as if removing the shackles set me free. And how!

All of which isn't to suggest you're the same. But it does sound as if, likewise free, your spirituality has blossomed. Ask...how much of that blossoming is down to your parents? Probably little other than biologically bringing you into the mundane world. Your world has lit up in spite of them.

It's probably good to forgive her in your heart (as they are unlikely to inflict the same conduct on you). It's past, gone, water under the bridge from long ago that won't flow back if you don't let it.

(I wouldn't ordinary support forgiving if there's a shade of possibility it would license the same behaviour in the future - but that seems unlikely and your mum may be very genuinely sorry having driven you away. Genuine penitence is worth forgiveness. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to see her or do more than communicate the words she wants to hear: "I forgive."

As for face-to-face contact it's is up to you. If you can keep your distance and see what repair is possible some good may come of it...as long as you can back off on a hint of the bad behaviour - that seems more likely to taint your spiritual light than doing nothing. If you'd be happier with no contact, then no contact it is. A letter might be enough as long as it doesn't contain a hint of a reconciliation if you don't want that. It would need careful wording. Without knowing the circumstances it would be pointless to suggest anything other than the basic "I forgive but I can't forget, mum/mom. I wish well for your future but I cannot be a part of it," or some such.

And here are my well-wishes to you, reaching your decision and sorting something out.


♥

[MARDAV70]

I think on various levels this happens to all of us. I think we need to ask, "where am I/are we spiritually?" We all encounter negatives in our lives, and for some even with those who we feel because we're related to them we shouldn't harbor any negative feelings and should be able to "forgive and forget". And yet, try as we might, we just can't seem to get there so we feel we're failing ourselves in the spiritual aspect. The negative aspects are a product of the ego...and not of the spiritual. So, we simply need to bide the time, hoping we can come to a day when we can "forgive and forget", but if it just doesn't seem like it's gonna happen we need to realize that when our lives in this existence are over, because we'll understand why and the reasons they did happen will be understood.

I used to think my mom was nearly a saint. It wasn't until after a NDE that I realized my mom (unintentionally) did much damage to me in raising me (my mom kinda wore the pants in my family). I don't hold it against her, but at first lamented that I didn't "connect" with my dad who actually WAS the saint (if we must use that label). I realize that it's just the way she was in this life and it's of no consequence in that place we go to after this life is over. Everything in that place is understood because none of the negatives (brought on by the ego) exist there.

[Klaatu24]

Sometimes parents can wound their children so deeply, that it's better for the person to stay away from the parents. People who haven't been treated like this, sometimes have difficulty understanding why a person wants to stay away from one or both of their parents. But people who have been through it understand. I had to break away from both parents. But I'll write about my mom. At first I felt guilty a little for breaking away, but for the most part it felt like total freedom to not be around a person that treated me so badly all the time. After a short time, the total freedom feeling was 100 percent -- no guilt at all. Felt like a total treat each time I stayed away from family gatherings. And holidays weren't ruined like they had been while growing up.

It's totally fine if you don't want to reconnect with your mom. Some people say that for the person wanting forgiveness -- that that's between the person and the Source (or God, or whichever words you prefer). That forgiveness from you isn't even necessary.

It won't hinder your spiritual development unless you take out unhealed feelings on other people, or it keeps you from being close to others. But even then you don't have to forgive your mom for that -- you can heal those feelings in other ways. (That's if you have unhealed feelings -- forgive me if you're ok with everything connected with the situation(s)).

Sometimes the best thing you can do is treat yourself kindly, respect your feelings for guiding you in the direction you want to go, and try to be around friends who treat you decently, who enjoy being around you, and help you feel good about yourself.

[*Red-Bird*]

Thank you, everyone for your thought provoking and valuable replies.

The more I think about the situation, the more confused I feel. The situation haunts me daily, although I know absolutely that I do not want a reconciliation with the woman, ever.

I do however feel that the dynamic of the relationship we had served to force me to grow in many ways - I guess I have to be thankful to her for that!

Maybe at the end of the day, it was actually all meant to be this way. We all have to suffer in order to learn and grow and perhaps this has just been all part of my learning experience here on Earth.

Anyway, again, heartfelt thanks for everyone's input.

[Captainnumber36]

I know my parents love me, they just don't know how to love me a lot of the time. I think having a bit of space from them (I just got an apartment) will help the relationship if I see them less often.

I don't want to keep them away forever, just see them every once and a while, then our interactions will be pleasant.