I am so confused, what is a form of cheating in a relationship?

[12 counsellors]

I am not sure where to post this. I am seeking advise on what a form of cheating in a relationship would be? I have recently come a cross something my partner has been doing for 3 years without my awareness and I am in need of some advise on how to place this and what to do about it. I would appreciate it if anyone could help me out here.

Thank you in advance

[Holly]

Does it feel like he's cheating? But more importantly, did he KNOW you'd consider it cheating when he did it? Some things people do are just plain rude or disrespectful, even if they're not cheating. You'd have a right to be angry about that too.

Take me for example. I have some weird relationship values. I share my partners. I'm happiest in relationships containing more than two people. My very first relationship was a three way, I've never been offended by the idea of my partner also loving someone else. So for me, being romantically interested in another person isn't cheating. Having sex with them isn't cheating.

Lying is though. And I make sure all my partners know it. If they lie to me, it's over, on the spot. I also get offended if my partner says he will be monogamous with me and then breaks that promise without discussing it with me. That's one of my breaking points too, and I make sure he knows that as well.

It's highly personal.

I suppose the standard is one man one woman, or two same sex individuals. Any sexual or romantic interaction outside of that is cheating. But some people consider sending a member of the opposite sex a text message cheating.

It's not so much about what he did as how it made you feel. And whether or not he did it knowingly.

[wstein]

Originally Posted by 12 counsellors

I am not sure where to post this. I am seeking advise on what a form of cheating in a relationship would be? I have recently come a cross something my partner has been doing for 3 years without my awareness and I am in need of some advise on how to place this and what to do about it. I would appreciate it if anyone could help me out here.

Thank you in advance

Perhaps this thread can offer you some insight:
http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...d.php?t=107175

Deceit in any form is cheating. It usually means one of the pair has knowingly broken the ground rules developed as part of the relationship.
Lies, deceit...and trust has gone.

Only a real show of penitence by act not word could restore the relationship.
But once trust has gone, glue the thing together you might but the cracks will always show.

...

[Baile]

Speak to your partner, and ask, and sort it out. Simple as that. Or tell them you plan to speak to a relationship counselor. If you can't talk to them about it, and have to speak with strangers on the internet about it instead, I'd honestly suggest it's probably time to end things. Relationships are about open communication, trust, support and privacy. If I had a partner and found out she was online talking about private things in our relationship, that would be the end it. Because that's also deceit. And perhaps people do secret things (you call it cheating) because they can't talk to their partner, or because their partner isn't open to discussing certain things.

[FairyCrystal]

Baile raises some good points. I do understand you can be uncertain about how to deal with a situation. I've been there too, and sometimes still am, and also ask others (close friend) what they think.

What is cheating? Depends, very subjective. You give too little info to be able to give any advice. But you'd get contradicting replies anyways because everyone has different ideas about cheating and different personal boundaries.
For instance, some would find it okay if their man had close female friends, other would think -and call- it cheating.

It's too personal, everyone has different boundaries, norms and values, and personal reasons (traumas from past) to get triggered in situations where others wouldn't.

But I feel in your case it's more like what Baile said --> "And perhaps people do secret things (you call it cheating) because they can't talk to their partner, or because their partner isn't open to discussing certain things."

If that is the case, you need to communicate more for sure. If so, and you indeed have difficulty handling more open discussions because they make you feel insecure, you should work on that.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by FairyCrystal

What is cheating? ...you'd get contradicting replies anyways because everyone has different ideas about cheating and different personal boundaries. For instance, some would find it okay if their man had close female friends, other would think -and call- it cheating.

That's true and it's a good point. But really, the answer is just as simple. Openness and honesty. A million people will have a million different ideas about what's okay in a relationship. But the one constant is this: If the two people in the relationship are not communicating, and are not being open and honest with each other, then it's not a relationship. It's just two people living their own separate lives. And at that point they may as well end it, and go it alone.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by 12 counsellors

I am in need of some advise on how to place this and what to do about it.

This jumped out at me, the wording: How to place this...

It reminded me of me a couple decades ago. The person I was with at the time, did something one day that was so mind-boggling, so beyond my experience of what I'd call normal, that I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it. It was like, "What the heck is THAT?!" And I scrambled for months trying to somehow make it okay in my mind, and be okay with it in my life. Because at that point on my life, I ASSUMED that's what relationships were all about: accepting the other's weird, strange, bizarre... whatever. And the fact she refused to talk about it, or let me into her thinking, made it even more "How do I place this?" confusing.

But that's not what relationships are about. And I didn't figure that out until my mid 40s. In other words, it wasn't up to me to place anything. She was the one who was in the wrong with her closed behavior and unwillingness to communicate. It was her problem, not mine. I used to take on other peoples' problems. No more.

[shoni7510]

Cheating involves lies and dishonesty and your conscience will interprete the rest. An emotional affair is cheating also. The fact that you feel like you were cheated on is your on conscience telling you.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by 12 counsellors

I am not sure where to post this. I am seeking advise on what a form of cheating in a relationship would be? I have recently come a cross something my partner has been doing for 3 years without my awareness and I am in need of some advise on how to place this and what to do about it. I would appreciate it if anyone could help me out here.

Thank you in advance

Basically, cheating is keeping dirty little or big secrets from one's partner and HOPING they never find out! Fearfully hiding things from one's partner is cheating or smugly keeping things a secret is cheating. All of this is a form of lying and looking down on the partner which is simply CHEATING THEM.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

But once trust has gone, glue the thing together you might but the cracks will always show.
...

Yes, I'd say that once trust is broken, it will be very difficult to get it back.

.....what to do about it.

I'd suggest an open, direct and HONEST discussion about this apparent "cheating" with your partner or with the help of a (good) counselor, if your partner is reluctant to open up and "tell all".
A healthy relationship NEEDS open honesty but many folks are conditioned to keep secrets for their own SAFETY, so being up front and honest is both difficult and frightening for them. It's worse than a Power trip. It's a matter of life or death!
In therapy, I had to break through a lot of 'no talk" rules that were installed into me as a child and learn how to open my mouth and talk about extremely difficult, shameful and FRIGHTENING things. It took a while but I got to where I could openly talk about even the most embarrassing, humiliating and PAINFUL stuff in my life or anyone's life so being open and honest FINALLY became a reality for me.
I cannot say this happened for my late wife and it definitely did not happen for my 1st wife who's entire life revolved around protecting her inner mind and feelings from exposure. I accept that there may be certain "things" that someone cannot or will not talk about BUT, in a healthy relationship, there must be an agreement that anything is open to discussion if and when a partner needs to go there.
While we were rigorously honest with each other, much of my late wife's background was never talked about and, now that she's gone, a lot of very disturbing "stories" have emerged about he past with her two daughters! It's not real bad stuff but bad enough that I wish she had been up front and open with me about her past life. I was "painfully" open about my past with her!
Oh well, at least we had a wonderful and loving union anyway so there wasn't much cheating going on here - just a little - which we talked about and fixed.