Self relationship/reconciliation reading. Could use some help!?

Hi everyone. I'm new to tarot reading and I just received my first deck (Rider Waite) as a gift. I’ve been working through learning how to use it. I’ve done a few practice readings on myself since this has been a very turbulent year with very little clarity and a lot of chaos.

One thing that has been constantly in the front of my mind is a relationship that seemed to fail suddenly and with no real explanation. About a year ago, I met someone who I felt like I’d known and loved deeply for thousands of years. Things were going well, it seemed clear that we were both making room for each other in our lives, and we were quite happy. 6 months ago, it just… ended. It had seemed shortly before that things had slowed a little and I had some inklings like there was a blockage from us taking the next step but I couldn’t quite tell what it was. There was really no why, all of a sudden it was just over. I don’t know how to really explain how I felt, but it was like my soul had been emptied out and was in a lot of pain. I’d never experienced anything like it, and we haven’t spoken since (kind of at my insistence, I suppose). A few days after this, I was feeling horrible and lost, I hadn’t been able to smile or laugh at anything or leave my apartment in days. I went to a Tarot reader nearby, and I asked about it. She told me that we were both longing for each other, that we were very strongly connected, and he would contact me on his own in a few days so I just had to wait. She seemed so sure that I had nothing to worry about and it would all come together very soon. I waited, and nothing. Partly I’ve probably held out on trying to reconnect because I’ve still hoped that he would try first. I know very strongly that he and I are not through with each other yet.

Anyway, I did a reading on this for myself some days ago by asking the question, “How can I improve the chances of a renewed relationship with ____?” I used a relationship spread I’d found that spoke to me. The result was:

Position 1, distant past: 8 of pentacles (being careful, approaching the relationship methodically. I was trying to be hyper-careful and scrutinised my every move and probably neglected some more important emotional displays as a result)
2, recent past: 2 of swords (blocking emotions, hiding distress, feeling afraid to act)
3, now: the tower (breaking ego defences, revealing what has been hidden, getting an answer? of course this can be the negative but I'm not sure how to determine that)
4, future influence: the world (experiencing wholeness, joining together, finding contentment?)
5, external influence: the magician (taking action, producing results)
6, current personal attitude: the moon (feeling anxious and afraid, lacking courage)
7, helpful energies: 7 of cups
8, obstacles: 9 of cups
9, hopes and fears: page of swords (taking a novel approach, being courageous)
10, outcome: 5 of wands (having minor setbacks, needing to take care of details)

Once I get to 7 things are quite difficult for me to figure out. I see that the 5 of wands is telling me to be prepared for minor hassles and nothing major, but because of what exactly? Alternatively, am I missing some ill-definitions here?
The day before I did a test reading with Celtic Cross spread, just because I’m new at this, with a similar though less eloquent question, and the outcome was similar (recently blocking emotions/running away; decisive action influence, courage, minor setbacks. future card was the lovers).

Is this telling me to step up, re-establish contact myself, but be prepared for resistance? Alternatively I guess it could all mean I've been kidding myself that we will ever see each other again, and I should just accept that?
I suppose it’s worth mentioning that I have been seeing someone else (who’s incidentally the one who gifted me my tarot deck) for the past couple of months, though I don’t see it going anywhere serious and we’re just having fun, but I’m wondering if the 9 of cups has something to do with this and my "trying to have it all." I must say, I am having trouble making some real sense of what is, truly, the most important part of this reading. Any help would be HAPPILY welcomed and appreciated, as I have not gone a single day the last 6 months without thinking about him, though it does not actually feel as though it has been that long. Last night I had a dream that he got in touch with me.

Thank you!

[Lourdes]

Hello and welcome to the forum, enjel!

I don't have a lot of time to reply in length right now but I would like to ask you why you don't use smaller, to-the-point spreads seeing that you're brand new to Tarot? There are lots of 3, 4 and 5 card spreads suited to your needs. I know if I was a beginner I would be completely overwhelmed by the Celtic Cross and 10-card relationship spreads!

I guess the only answer I have for that is, I don't know! The resources I've been learning from seem to use Celtic Cross as a default, so I kind of just assumed that it was the most common and therefore easiest-to-use one. Also, I really just have no concept yet of what kinds of spreads there are and which ones are more straight forward than others, or what constitutes a to-the-point spread vs. a more difficult one. Personally, the 10 card spread feels more to me like there's more space for finding an answer (even if that is the exact problem I'm having). If I were using less cards I think it would frustrate me more, because it just seems like less information is being given? I'm not sure, I could try it and see how it feels.

[Lourdes]

Well you do what feels comfortable to you, okay. I need to head offline now but I'll send you a quick PM before I go...

I'd Like to give my two pennies worth if you don't mind

Position 1, distant past: 8 of pentacles (being careful, approaching the relationship methodically. I was trying to be hyper-careful and scrutinised my every move and probably neglected some more important emotional displays as a result) Or it could be you have always been cautious by playing the waiting game, waiting for the right moment, the right conditions, the right signals, instead of taking a risk and 'just going for it'

2, recent past: 2 of swords (blocking emotions, hiding distress, feeling afraid to act) It’s a case of will he? Won't he? And should I contact him or not? And yes,possibly closing yourself off to your feelings, however, if you look at those two swords, sooner or later one or both are going to drop…..the issue you are worrying about may be taken out of your hands completely.

3, now: the tower (breaking ego defences, revealing what has been hidden, getting an answer? of course this can be the negative but I'm not sure how to determine that) You say it felt so right being with him, you were happy in your 'tower' together but that has gone and it leaves with the confusion you are now feeling, but it is also time to start re-building your self, instead of longing for what was.

4, future influence: the world (experiencing wholeness, joining together, finding contentment?) Can be telling you to just keep moving on with your life, there is a whole big world outside of that laurel ring.

5, external influence: the magician (taking action, producing results) This, I feel is about him. He is the one who you feel holds the power to change the situation.

6, current personal attitude: the moon (feeling anxious and afraid, lacking courage). You aren't seeing things as they really are, the moon can be about illusion, things not being clear to you and dreams, your attitude is based on the thought that you and him are 'meant to be together'. You may need to be a bit more realistic.

7, helpful energies: 7 of cups There are so many more opportunities out there, you shouldn't be focussing on just one.

8, obstacles: 9 of cups, It may be that currently he is content on his own and with being single.

9, hopes and fears: page of swords (taking a novel approach, being courageous) ) This could be the hope that he will contact you with the news you want to hear. Or the fear you feel about contacting him and hearing what you don't want to hear. Knights of the suits are the ones with courage, Pages are about first steps.

10, outcome: 5 of wands (having minor setbacks, needing to take care of details) By staying as you are (as this is what the outcome is based on) you are only going to end up beating yourself up about the issue. Not good!!

This is just a brief overview of what I see but I feel the whole reading is telling you to take action and settle this, then at least you know where you stand and how to move your life forward.

You have said you would rather he made the first move......however take a tip from an old relic that has been there and done that, if you want things to change, only you can make it happen and it looks like the cards are trying to tell you that stepping out of your comfort zone, whether the outcome is what you desire or not, is your main lesson in here.

Sometimes the cards show us what is needed from us before they give any kind of answer to bigger issues.

I agree with Lourdes that a 10 card spread for a beginner is ambitious, you could try a 3 card spread using these positions , You / The other person / The relationship.
Or try here for a spread
http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=203788


I hope you get some kind of resolution to this situation.

[Awakened Queen]

I agree with Lourdes. Keep it simple!

Try this for a spread.

1) Card that represents you
2) Card that represents him
3) The reason you separated
4) What's keeping you apart
5) Advice
6) (Optional) Outcome

I've been there. It's awful. I waited for the man I was desperately and hopelessly in love with to reach out to me for almost three years after we broke up. Never happened. Waiting will just get you more waiting. If you want to know where you stand, contact him.

Thank you for the advice, Awakened Queen. I will try that spread. I find it so difficult to let go of, though. How could two previous psychics/tarot readers have been wrong?
This almost seems to have a wheel of fortune aspect to it as well, sometimes it feels like a "more right" time for me to step up and send a message than others. If it's relevant, I did actually try to send him an email a few nights ago before I went to bed. I hit send, let my heart beat out of my chest and closed the laptop to sleep. In the morning, the email client displayed a message that it couldn't send the email. I took that as a sign to either wait, not do it, or change what I'd said (deciding which one, of course, is the hard part). I also have a hard time deciphering whether he is adamantly respecting the fact that I asked him not to talk to me or if he really truly just does not care. I still feel the connection very often.

Pisces_Moon, thank you for the interpretation. Perhaps I may have misunderstood what some of the cards are supposed to actually stand for. The outcome card shows what happens if I do nothing, and stay the course I'm on? Is it relevant that in doing a similar reading about this the future card was the lovers? I am also confused as to how I should determine which cards pertain to me and which ones to him, as you did with the 9 of cups. Hmm. I will try Awakened Queen's suggested spread. I will also say that I am actually not expecting the relationship to be 'as it was,' I actually expect that it would be different, perhaps more grounded.

[Awakened Queen]

Tarot reads the current energies of a situation. The future is not carved in stone, because there are so many choices in this life. My friend once said "Life is like going to a grocery store and choosing items to fill your cart." We make the decisions that shape our lives. I had something similar happen to me, and it was devastating. I would go see my tarot reader and he would tell me I was going to end up with the man I loved, but then he wouldn't even talk to me. How can you have a reconciliation when the other person won't even reply back or pick up the phone? YOU CAN'T!

Sometimes we have these deep soul connections to people that carry a lot of energy with them. That energy is always shifting. You may get a reading one day saying he's going to call. And the next day you get a reading saying he'll never call. You may have to take the bull by the horns with this one. At least you'll get your answer

[Lourdes]

^^^ Some good advice above.

I have re-read the OP and there seems to be a few issues going on but nothing major. To me it feels like there may be some mixed signals and confusion between you both. My best advice to you would be to re-visit the idea of reaching out to him via email. At least this way you can initiate contact and know once and for all if there is a future for you both. If nothing else you may be able to get some answers. I don't recommend doing too many readings on the subject because it'll just confuse you more.

Thanks again to you both, Lourdes and Awakening Queen. I certainly feel the energy shifting all the time, sometimes very strongly. Like I said, some times feel "more right" to get in touch than others. I've been having VERY strong energies surrounding past relationships lately, romantic and otherwise, that have come unwound. I had a dream about telling off a karmic (former) friend who has been irrationally angry about me no longer speaking to her because of some things she did to intentionally make me unhappy, as she still assumes I was unaware of her bad intentions and still says nasty things about me to people we know 3 years later. The night after, I dreamt about forcefully asking a karmic former lover to leave and never come back, something I technically did in real life a year ago but perhaps not with enough force. He has since tried to contact me with his "saviour" tactics and still thinks I need him. Then there was the dream about this guy I'm referring to in the OP contacting me. Something is trying to get me to take care of some things, I think, but I'm not superwoman!

This one always remains at the forefront, and more so than any other time since we parted I feel strongly that now is the time. So, I will take the opportunity. Maybe relevant, but as I was going to sleep last night I started feeling very strong energy of longing around me and like a pulling at my heartstrings. There was also a moth flying around my room that I'd briefly noticed before turning out the light. I tend to see butterflies and moths around times of change. Of course, I could also be totally grasping at straws, but this feels like a time with strong energy around it for messages.