Polyamory and twin flames

[CosmicPartyGrl]

Hi everyone!

I know this topic had been mentioned before (quite a while ago) but I wanted to get some new perspectives on it if possible.

I'll try to give as much info as I can without rambling too much haha. So I've identified and been practicing polyamory for about 10 years now. I have a 10-year partner I live with who has supported me in every way possible. He's my best friend and people often think we're siblings not a couple because of how we are with each other. We were engaged for 5 years but a couple years ago called it off in favor of just a commitment ceremony. It was perfect for us both because 2 years ago I met a guy who I thought was "the one". It's hard to think things like that as a poly person because you don't want to label anyone as your everything. But when I met the new guy in October 2015, it was love at first sight and even though he was from London and I am from Washington DC we decided to give it a go.

Fast forward a year and he successfully lived with myself and my 10 year partner with no problems. He overstayed his visitor visa by 8 days and when he came back to return in May 2017 he was turned away at the border. It was a very traumatic experience for us but somehow I managed to get on his flight the next day and fly back to London with him. He proposed to me two weeks later and I said yes.

Before and during all this I began to confide in a mutual friend of ours and we grew close. We started talking and realized that over the past 8 years we had lived in many of the same places, just blocks from each other (we currently live 1 mile from each other), moved at the same times, traveled to same places all over the world just months within in each other, shared many life milestones and challenges around the same time, and had a lot of the same interests, and quirks/personality traits---good and bad.

I think it's important to note here that we remained friends but fooled around and dabbled in expanding our minds together over the course of months. We finally decided to start dating but took things very slow because of my new fiance. However we couldn't deny there was a spark between us. He had said he loved me but I did not return the words until months later. I find those words very powerful and wanted to be sure before I said them. I've been like this in a lot of past relationships. In August 2017 we were together and experiencing something truly unique when I couldn't contain myself. It was like I wasn't in control of myself and I started to cry (uncharacteristic of me) and then blurted out that I loved him and that I thought he was my soul mate.

It was a revelation and the catalyst that started all of this and the syncronicities were and continue to be off the chart.

He said he agreed and then we didn't know where to go from there. I was worried that perhaps my fiance wasn't who I was meant to be with and started researching things. We found out about twin flames. A concept that was new to me but that he had heard of. I felt like this summed us and our feelings up very accurately. I tried explaining to my fiance what was happening and what I was experiencing even though it was very hard to while being mindful of his feelings. I've had to leave the US half a dozen times this year to visit him for a month or more since he cannot visit me. This has gotten harder and harder to do each trip leaving my TF behind.

Now here we are 6 months post revelation and I've read a lot on TFs, even the theory that you can have more than one. My new partner is struggling with the fact that I am to be married to someone other than him and it puts a strain on all of us. Him and I grow closer every day and are sharing a spiritual awakening together and finding out we have individual gifts to explore. But I know watching me legally commit myself to someone else is breaking his heart.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Does anyone else think they have more than one twin flame? How important are these titles to people in general? Do any other poly people believe in this concept? If so, how are you reconciling it in your daily life? Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated.

[lunapixie]

I’m sorry, but I can’t relate. I’m sure that polyamory works for many people just like it works for you. But I can’t even begin to imagine living like that, much less within a twin flame context. With TFs everything is magnified times a hundred. Every feeling, every emotion, every desire, life goals, etc.. I can’t imagine the powerful, potent tf energy being literally diluted among multiple partners. Spreading it thin... doesn’t strike me as something that is possible. But that’s just my personal opinion. Many things are possible in this reality and I don’t own the truth by any means.

Honestly, polyamory and the total lack of commitment sounds better than this forced commitment to one other soul and, if I could choose between the two, I would probably choose to be poly. But the tf phenomenon chose me... too late now...

[OEN34]

Sounds exhausting! I mean that with the greatest respect, too.

I'm very open and broad minded, but it seems the choices you have made to live your life this way has put you in somewhat of a pickle and leaving you unfulfilled and confused.

[Myke369]

I’m new to understanding this in my personal relationships however I trust my heart so all I can say is keep doing what feels right to you and if the synchronicities are around then you must be on your path. We all win or learn and learning is winning :) hope this helps

Originally Posted by CosmicPartyGrl

Hi everyone!

Now here we are 6 months post revelation and I've read a lot on TFs, even the theory that you can have more than one. My new partner is struggling with the fact that I am to be married to someone other than him and it puts a strain on all of us. Him and I grow closer every day and are sharing a spiritual awakening together and finding out we have individual gifts to explore. But I know watching me legally commit myself to someone else is breaking his heart.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Does anyone else think they have more than one twin flame? How important are these titles to people in general? Do any other poly people believe in this concept? If so, how are you reconciling it in your daily life? Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated.

I went through a period of hedonism in my late teens and, honestly? It worked until emotions got involved. Then it failed. As you observe, hearts get broken. I don't have regrets but I had no wish to break anyone's heart or have mine broken. I'm averse to emotional anxieties so at signs of emotional wrangling I duck out.

It was a phase. When development pointed to integrating sexuality with spirit I knew it couldn't continue. That's just me and no doubt there are those who can have multiple partners, throw themselves into sensuality, and this becomes part of their spiritual development.

Twin flame theories balloon by the day but I haven't heard of the one about multiple twin flames. Wouldn't that make them triple- or quad-flames, etc? The basic ideas of twin flames don't seem to sit well with groups but...anything goes it seems.

As for this man...isn't it up to him to decide, if he's hurt by your way of life, to back out or acclimatise to it? If you feel strongly for him, should you be reconsidering marriage to someone else?

We own our emotions. We shouldn't pin them on others.

[Tortoise Walks]

CsmcPrtyGrl-

I believe it will be a challenge to get a lot of sympathetic understanding that there can be love AND commitment in poly relationships and that it's more than hedonistic sensuality for folks who are poly and love centered. Each knows for themselves if it's love and soul growth they are looking for and takes risk in relationships as they choose. I consider myself poly at this point in my life because I have loved/do love more than one person at a time and it would be dishonest of me to pretend I didn't. I also came to understand that I truly wish for my husband to experience the greatest love, joy and growth in his in his life with me or not and I know it's possible for him to fall in love with more people in life.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be in a poly relationships the way I'd fully wish for. The logistics and emotions can be challenging if all included are not as committed to creating their own happiness as an inside job and expressing love and themselves authentically while also being realistic about emotional and sexual bandwidth in life. There is a lot of emotional work and challenges like jealousy and possessiveness and societal norms/assumptions to take on and cope with - and well it's not easy... and often the truth of another is hard to hear and reconcile with how we believe life partnerships and romantic relationships "SHOULD" be.

Some mutually fall in love with one and that's it... Wonderful!!! Some fall in love and fall out of love and stay anyway because they committed and feel there is no other way... Some fall in love and also fall in love with others and stuff it and/or lie to themselves or others! Some fall in love with another and decide they must end their current partnerships because they feel there must only be one. Some fall in love with another and try to integrate that new love into their existing lives. It's all risky. It can all hurt. There is definitely the possibility for growth if you choose.

Honestly, wrapping my head around polyamory with my long term husband (who initially triggered and challenged me and my understanding of relationships) emotionally prepared and strengthened me to meet a SC who (twin flame or not) has been a huge catalyst, heart opener, growth inducer for me... and ironically has helped me explore real deep and challenging stuff with my husband and on my own. We all grow from relationships. I've questioned my marriage, my SC, my everything... Polyamory, monogamy, solitude, my belief systems... to the moon and back... and all I can do is keep following my heart and my growth one day at a time while releasing judgment and control of the outcome. Best wishes to you as you figure this out.

[Tortoise Walks]

You do not mention if your friend/TF is poly minded at all or if he intends to be monogamous with you. That can be tough if he's monogamous and you are not and you realized your connection. I haven't had the experience you've had but my husband of many years did have a hard time with my instant divine/spiritual and love connection I felt for this SC I met some years back even though he initially wanted the open/poly relationship. TBH my situation can feel quite frustrating and aching at times but I keep on keeping on.

What does marriage mean to you? Your partners? What does it look like? That's the interesting part of poly... you really get to/need to forge your own path. Living together 365 days/year? You mention it is hard to be away from potential TF. Is it also equally hard to be away from you fiance? Have they met? Get along? How about your long term partner? You now have 2 intense connections that you feel are kinda "the one" and have changed/are changing your life circumstances. How is he doing with the monthly trips and shifts in focus? At the end of the day... I believe if we want to share our lives with people positively we can find a way if we're flexible enough... We just have to mutually and enthusiastically change what our expectations and shared dreams/goals are (even if hard) and agree to lean in that direction - together. If that can't be done then sometimes loving is letting go...

[CosmicPartyGrl]

Thanks for all the comments folks!

To answer some various questions I'm not sure what marriage looks like for me as this is my first go-round. My fiance and I have discussed what it means for us and we're working on making sure we get our needs met. All my partners have met, they all get along.

I'm learning how to navigate two very intense connections one of which I believe to be a TF and was just hoping something other poly folks may have some more insight. It's a topic I've seen discussed here before but cannot link because of my new account.

We're all finding our way at our own pace, it's just always nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing these things.