Emptiness...

[002 Cents]

Maybe I am just becoming numb from all the emotional ups and downs of the past year, but every romantic interest and relationship I have explored over the past year feels so empty to me right now.

I don't get it...

Is it an age thing?

... a self love thing?

... a maturity thing?

All I know is, I finally gave myself the emotional space to focus on my marriage and see if we could make it work and once all the guilt was gone from having developed feelings for another, I started to realize, I am just not into my husband anymore.

90% of the appeal was him being a good guy and after the past year... My mind can't get back into a place where I genuinely see him in that light. He may not be an altogether "bad person" but after all the pain he caused me... he has forever altered my perception of him and everything between us now just feels empty. Like looking up into the night sky and realizing there are no starts left.

For a moment, perhaps out of nostalgia, I thought I still felt something for a previous love interest, but then when I really started to search my soul for feelings, I found emptiness there as well...

Am I incapable of falling in love again?

I mean I love my children... so I know my heart isn't numb to all kinds of love...

But, the romantic kinds... I am starting to worry about.

I suppose if this is the next leg of my journey, I will just have to embrace it. Accept that I am at a point where romance no longer appeals to me.

Sometimes I contemplate divorce and think it would be nice to be able to date again, give love another go... but what if I throw this away and realize I can't love anymore? My heart is just too guarded... or numb... or disillusioned... I frequently look around me and think no one is worth making that investment in anymore.

1. I am too old (34) there for less likely to appeal to a mate, even if I look younger in my face I don't in my body.

2. I am still raising school-aged children

3. I feel like there are just too many other more qualified women to compete with and I just don't care enough to compete.

There will always be a better homemaker, or mother, or younger prettier girl... even if I have the market cornered in one area... I just can account for what I will leave them wanting... and from my experience... no matter what, they still want... greener pastures... So why put myself out there? Seems like disappointment and heartache are inevitable. I accept all my flaws, but I don't know that I am willing to subject myself to shallow self-serving mentalities who will assign me a lesser value on account of my small breasts, stretch marks, simple low wage jod or the fact that I have kids... God... Every time a customer is seemingly interested and finds out I have kids... I get this look like I just died to them! Like we are parting ways at my funeral... "You have kids?! Wow, I had no idea"... and the breasts thing... don't even get me started... I may never be able to get the image of my husband's mistresses breasts out of my mind for as long as I live... to top it off before he crammed that image in my face he was bragging about how great they were for two days straight... Truth is, when you get romantically involved you leave yourself vulnerable to people who may never value you as you deserve to be valued.

My life is at a pivotal point... where I can settle into the comfort of security and accept that I will never know love again... or... toss mine and my children's lives into upheaval and still run the risk of never knowing love again.

On the upside to option two... I wouldn't have to watch my husband's spirit slowly wither away as it is now because I can't give him what he expects of me emotionally. He could move on and find love again and he surely would.

but with option one... the kids get to enjoy a stable, double income home. The only problem for me is... I can't keep trying to put on the show of affection for the sake of the kids. I don't want him touching me anymore. Every time he helps himself to my body, I feel so violated. I want to want to share myself... not just do it out of obligation or because I am afraid it will damage his fragile ego. Though it may require more finite boundaries... like separate bedrooms as my expressing that I want sex to be MY choice doesn't seem to hold much weight.

Sounds like you're in a serious dump right now, and reflective. I can't know anything about the situation with your husband but an understandable feeling of hopelessness
comes through (to me - others will sense different things).

One issue is presumably you are still with him / the "matrimonial home" which won't allow you the freedom you'd otherwise have to clean the slate.
You might not clean it entirely but you'd be able to make a start unhindered by the constraints still living there. But that's an assumption.

Well, you know you're feeling low so you also know that things can be better and once you pull yourself from the present dump, they will.

Looking at some of the things you've said:

Am I incapable of falling in love again?

Of course not but it is up to you. Don't even start believing "incapable". Set your heart on it being perfectly possible, eh?

I mean I love my children... so I know my heart isn't numb to all kinds of love...

That's the closest most people get to unconditional love. To be cherished in its own right and it's all you really need to know about
capability. Yes, a romantic/carnal love is different but it's more to do with the conditions, the unwritten rules that you create
as a relationship grows. I don't have a gripe with conditional love provided it doesn't become control and spiritual imprisonment.
People need to (be able to) rely, to trust, to feel they have space and time for themselves, so they come to a (usually unwritten)
agreement about what they expect of each other.

But, the romantic kinds... I am starting to worry about.
The worry may be a problem but you have to take a lot of deep breaths when this feeling comes on, to try to reach a feeling
of equanimity. It may happen, it may not. Once again and so important it's what you choose to believe in right now. Believe that you can,
no matter what - but like I say, equanimity.

I suppose if this is the next leg of my journey, I will just have to embrace it. Accept that I am at a point where romance no longer appeals to me.
If you know about romance, you'll know that in any relationship it can't be sustained in the blaze in which it often starts. As we age
we take a more mature view of it. It becomes more subtle and that's good because it's far more sustainable. It's good to be open-minded
and keep expectations down. Fulfilling relationships don't necessarily need romance. I'd far sooner meet someone
interesting, collaborative, supportive, open-minded/ not secretive, no mind-gamer, no confrontationalist, than a flaming
great romance, nice though the thrill is, but likely to die down and leave nothing. It's great if there is a deep underlying relationship
but one has to take care...

My life is at a pivotal point... where I can settle into the comfort of security and accept that I will never know love again... or... toss mine and my children's lives into upheaval and still run the risk of never knowing love again.
There's no easy answer to this. You love your kids enough to be concerned for upheaval... but then (as other posters are almost certain to say)
bringing children up in an unhappy home with confrontations and a bitter, dark atmosphere can do more long term harm than the smaller upheaval
of ditching your present situation. You'll have a lot to consider - chiefly your own security because your kids' will hang off that mostly.
For certain you can't spend the rest of your life in your current state so it is really a choice of making the best of it until an opportunity comes up
- or chucking it altogether asap. Or...finding a compromise with your present situation. If you have a cheating husband you're
entitle to "work to those same rules" although I suspect it's more difficult for a female.

No one can deny you're in a hard place. But that doesn't mean it's going to be hard forever.
Mustering positive thoughts, setting yourself to know that things can and will get better is the focus. Assure yourself that they will.





....

[002 Cents]

I love your advice. Thank you so much.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by 002 Cents

.. and the breasts thing... don't even get me started...

Just so you know (and I don't know if this will be helpful for you to hear or not) - but certainly not all men are fixated on this aspect of a woman's body... Some yes, but this does not speak for all... And there are absolutely men who find the more petite/small breast size to have a certain naturalness quality that is perceived to be quite attractive & appealing...

And it goes without saying that if any person's interest in you revolves around your breast size - then that person isn't worth your time anyway...

[jojobean]

002 cents -

perhaps you can seek counsel with a therapist or a licensed social worker.
I went thru some of the same issues as you - and I spent 3 years with a therapist who helped me understand myself, my issues and all of that.

I think your lack of interest in romance right now is because you are mourning the loss of the original relationship. You need time to deal with those feelings, and love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.

and btw, you are still young. 34 is by NO MEANS over the hill or even old.
at this point in your life, you may need a little assistance to figure out what you want to do going forward.

hang in there. take some time for yourself.

[002 Cents]

Thanks guys

I saw this today and it's nuts! But it seems maybe the universe agrees with you guys.
http://thespiritscience.net/2016/09/...e-in-12-years/

Apparently Libra moving into Jupiter signifies it's a great time for love, self love included.

It's fascinating because the article says to think back to 12 years ago and recall what was happening then. That was the last time Libra was in Jupiter and that is when I was falling in love with my husband. I'm not a huge astrology fanatic but when it's on point it def gets my attention.

[Rozie]

Your marriage is essentially over. There comes a time when the pile of poo is too big to do anything with. Resentments pile up if they cannot be dealt with and released. It sounds like you cannot move past the infidelity. That is common. You can't go backwards, only forwards.

The fact is you have children to consider and divorce is pretty awful when kids are involved. If you are ready to deal with the fallout then you can get a divorce. That is no guarantee of finding a new relationship.

You are not too old. There are lots of men who like older women, women their age and younger women. There is a whole world of men who don't expect you to be 24. They don't want the 24 year olds, they want mature women. Taste varies but the point is you are not out of the game because of your age.

Raising kids and working are exhausting and you may not have time and interest but presumably if you divorce you would have time to yourself when your husband has the kids.

I was single with no help for some years and I didn't have time for men. There was no time, no energy and no interest. If Mr. Right came along on his white horse things may have been different but that didn't happen.

What is more important then a man, is your relationship with yourself and being true to yourself.

Don't fake anything for the sake of anyone. Get separate bedrooms or draw a line down the middle of the room.

If you were to make things work with your husband then it would be starting from scratch. You cannot have a haunting like this. You would have to scrap the marriage and start over with him. You have to throw out the old baggage and you cannot carry that around. Whether your relationship is with your husband, or a new person, you have to deal with you and that takes time.

You are not ready for any relationship right now.

[002 Cents]

Thanks :)

I have since made it clear I don't want him touching me at all. I feel much happier with this arrangement but seeing how much it is hurting him is hard. It would be so simple to stop his hurt but then I lose a part of myself in that and I just don't think I can go back to that. At least not just for the sake of easing his pain. Maybe if I heal and find I'm ready to give us a chance again. But that will take time if it ever happens.

[loopylucid]

I feel for ya 002, esp as no-one can make these choices for you. Its tough. Ive been in ridiculously similar situation. And all I wanted to say was something someone said to me that really stopped and made me think deeply about things.

All you need to realise is, The greatest thing parents can do for there children, is love each other.

It was with a picture of a child being held in the middle of the parents, but I cant upload many pictures to here at the moment.

I sincerely hope you find your way forward with this, and that you heal from the many emotions it uprises when such things happens. But most importantly I hope you know, hearts mend, even if relationships don't and this to shall pass :)

Keep on trekking :)

Loopy

I

[Abrem]

Originally Posted by 002 Cents

Thanks :)

I have since made it clear I don't want him touching me at all. I feel much happier with this arrangement but seeing how much it is hurting him is hard. It would be so simple to stop his hurt but then I lose a part of myself in that and I just don't think I can go back to that. At least not just for the sake of easing his pain. Maybe if I heal and find I'm ready to give us a chance again. But that will take time if it ever happens.

Rejection is difficult and he'll probably end up resenting you for it at least for awhile. Most people would be recommending divorce to you at this point, at least based on what you've said.