My journey

[athribiristan]

Crazy days. Lots of good leads on the work front, I seem to have that aspect of life under control for the time being.

Baby girl amazes me. Technically she's not supposed to have been born yet, but her devolpment has been pretty fast. She's already moving her head around on a surprisingly stable neck. I sat her up for a while today and she did a lot of visual exploration, tired her out pretty fast and had her huffing a little but dang. Color me surprised. She's also starting to flirt with rolling over, which I wasn't expecting nearly this soon. If I can just get her to start holding her own bottles for feeds.......can you teach a child to change their own diaper? And if you can would they still wear one?

My approach with this child will be unique among the five. I am not looking to raise a child this time, I'm trying to teach an old old soul to be human. Such a different perspective on things this time around.

Yesterday's drama continues to excite and frustrate. It seems to signify a clash between the new archetype of the patriarch with which I have only begun to identify with in this lifetime and the old archetype of the warrior, which is many (short) lifetimes old. Do I seek damages? Do I press charges? Do I file a lien on the house for wages owed? I have a tendency towards not getting paid for my work lately. I don't really need the money, I have everything I need. So what would be my motivation? On the one hand he agreed to pay me and on the other I'd like to just be satisfied that I have played my role in the situation and be done with it. Money be damned.

Many people would argue that I have a valid case. He tried to hit me with his car in the street. Whereas the gun was pulled on his property while I was technically tresspassing.....he would have been well within his rights to shoot me, the car was in the public roadway before I had even set foot on his property. Then he proceeded to make numerous threats regarding my family, all this because I told him I have no repsect for a man who talks to a woman the way he does. There is a whole level of paranoia and fear that try to take root in the wake of that and the case could be made for some degree of mental suffering.

Of course that all sounds like total victim mentality to me and if I'm willing to own that in a lawsuit, there's no telling what nastiness might manifest. So, in the short term.....lots to work on in terms of fear and victimhood. No doubt there are some long term issues with giving energy to an adversary, and the state of incompletion from which the idea of an adversary springs. Meditations should be busy for the next several days for sure.

[athribiristan]

Wow....so its been a while since my last entry....couple days anyway.

Last night I was up late with baby girl, she started acting a bit funny and I found myself worrying, is her heart working right, is she breathing, and so on.....finally realized it wasn't me. I was picking up on what its like to be in a body that small and underdeveloped. First meditation with baby, ground out that fear.

Later I had an amazing revelation. She's still supposed to be in the womb right now. But here I am interacting with her just the same. Lots of talk about what influences a baby in the womb....music, singing, reading, etc. In this case I consider myself incredibly blessed. I get to be that influence in a way that few parents experience.....and even fewer fathers. She still mostly just sleeps and eats....she's generally pretty unconscious, but there are times when she is awake. I mean really awake and aware, and the interactions are nothing short of miraculous. To be able to hold her hand or stroke her cheek, or talk to her about Love, in this early stage of development is still blowing my mind. I'm definitely planning more meditation with baby girl soon.

Bible study was the usual....good company and great conversation. It amazes me how you can spend an evening talking about four bible verses. At first glance it all seems pretty straightforward but three hours later we're still asking things like 'why is this word plural?'. I've read a lot of books that have the same message in like 1/100th the amount of words but very few of them actually make you work quite as hard as the bible does to figure out what it is saying. I really appreciate that process.

I filed my first legal brief at the courthouse today and served a bunch of copies on the various parties to the action. Can't wait to see how the ruling goes.

Time seems to be my big challenge at the moment. The perception that there is not enough or that there is too much to do. More on that soon as I have time to relfect on this.

Hi there athribiristan,

Your journal is great - I love your honesty and commitment to your spiritual path... even though we've never met, you've let me into your world! Keep up the good work

Lucas

[athribiristan]

Deleted sorry.

[athribiristan]

Been super busy. Things are calming down just a little though, baby girl is starting to breastfeed so all the work of pumping, storing, heating and cleaning bottles and such is starting to go away. That means wife is a dairy cow and I am shifting to household management.

I have mostly been keeping vigil on baby girl. She panics sometimes and I like to be close to help her work through those times. A little grounding, a little bubble of light, and a lot of love usually do the trick. Our oldest boy pretty much skipped crawling and walking and went straight to running at 7 months. Really more like falling sideways really fast while somehow keeping his feet under him. Baby girl I think will be giving her brother a run for his money. She is super active and never content to just sit around, she wants to be moving.

I am trying to find peace with taking the time to spend with her. Work has been sparse but sufficient, I can't really think of any need that outweighs spending time with her. Yet somehow I manage to feel guilty, like I need to be DOing something. Tonights meditation.....allowing prosperity to effortlessly enter my life, letting go of effort, reconnecting with the archetype of the Patriarch. The need to provide for existing children vs. the need to nurture this new one. The illusion that the two are exclusive. All of this in the light of what she is here to do. Should be interesting.

[athribiristan]

Been a long time since I have been inspired to write much. Things are going well....just haven't felt like writing.

Baby girl is now 6 months old (or 2 months depending on whether you go by delivery date or estimated due date). We went through some very interesting past life issue during our meditations together. One night while sitting up late with her asleep in my lap I saw an image superimposed over her. It was her from a past life, stabbed in the stomach with a knife or spear(?)....as I watched I saw blood rise and flow out of her mouth. This was the same time as she was suffering from horrible constipation and gas pains. I did some work with her to bring her to the present and assure her that this was a new life and she wasn't dying from a horrible stomach wound.

Next she began having strange anxiety whenever she couldn't see one of us. Some sort of separation anxiety that I was never able to find the true source of but moved out none the less. She seems to be fully in present time...although she has been moody, either a cold or perhaps a third set of issues come up for her.

Working with a guy who is horrible at business. Watching him fail is painful but he always pays and the work is easy. I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of him as I'm fairly sure I've made better money than he has on a couple of his jobs. I think that situation will resolve itself as I am slowly building a loyal client base, and having already been through the part where I was horrible at business it won't be long before I no longer need to work for him.

Tensions have been high in the house as the 'lord' of the house and my wife had it out over some kitchen issue or another. Really doesn't affect me so I'm happy to let it sort itself out. It does however force me to move ahead with plans to get out of here sooner than I had hoped. There is so much research to do that I just don't feel ready yet. Sovereignty is such uncharted waters, its hard to know how to go about things sometimes. A lot of it is likely just fear....of being wrong.....like completely, laughing stock, wrong. The legal argument is pretty compelling however so I doubt that will be the case....still a lot of room for failures and the stakes are pretty high. More than a little intimidating....which is an almost unknown emotion for me any more. Lots of work to do both energetically and legally. Good thing I don't have a business to run and a small child to take care of or I would never have time for it all....oh, wait.....