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Go Back   Spiritual Forums > Spirituality & Beliefs > Love & Relationships -Friends and Family

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  #1  
Old 19-04-2019, 12:48 PM
kundalinikid kundalinikid is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 164
 
How do I have move on?

I've been hung up on someone who interest in me was never more than a friend I've gathered. I regret opportunities I missed to get to know them on a closer level. It's hard for me to get over these 'mistakes'. But then at the same time looking back, I'm like well, I doubt it would of done much good because I was basically a wreck with two working legs in my youth (just psychological, emotional, drug issues). And what's the difference of someone telling you, you are just a friend at best in person or via email or whatever.

It's just gone on so long. I wonder if I suppressed it so long with alcohol/drugs that now that I am clean and sober a lot of these emotions are resurfacing? Anyway, I've worked through therapy and all sorts of healing techniques and nothing seems to work. I realize this person does not owe me anything in particular and they have their own life.

Someone told me that you don't get over someone but getting under someone. But there was a time where I built a new friendship with someone else and feelings did begin to develop. That one also did not work out so well for me. But I guess if I don't put myself out there then how can I ever open my heart up to someone new? I partly think my ego just can't let go of this because it was too damaging to it. I completely put myself out there with this person and they rejected me on a romantic level.

Do you think it's unfair to new people in your life if you are holding onto something old? I just want to move on and live once for me. For the first time in my life I feel good about my life. Like I'm literally saying to myself. My God, I'm adult finally LOL (which is terrible for my age). I pay bills, I clean my home, I keep normal hours, I am not involved in questionable behavior, I feel not at all threatened to lose my job, I pay my taxes without being reminded, like legitimate stability! You have no idea how nice this is for me because I literally thought I'd have to be under my families care until they were dead and gone. I was just terrified of my parents dying because I was like who will take care of me. It was the same thought as my sister. I just don't really have anyone other than them. So, I guess now I'm at a point where I feel I can develop somewhat of a healthy relationship. It's just this nagging past I have that gets to me. Additionally, a lot of my suprapsychological experiences were based around this one particular person. The experiences themselves cause mega PTSD in me. So it's just been a cruel reminder to me because I think about that experience, then it would turn to thoughts of this person and on and on. I literally do not know why God chastised me so hard. I'd rather not even think about it.

Anyone have any advanced healing techniques/strategies. I'm looking for things to do with proven track record of working. The only thing that seems to work well for me now is extended water fasts. It helps me be able to deal better with the stress of my past. Only problem is I don't generally have enough time off of work to go as long as I'd like.
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  #2  
Old 19-04-2019, 08:40 PM
Andyangel1205 Andyangel1205 is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 16
 
Have you tried forgiveness? It sounds like perhaps you are still hanging on to some past hurts. Forgive yourself and forgive the person you were in this relationship with. I've found this to be a tried and true method to heal from something like this, but it's easier said than done.
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  #3  
Old 21-04-2019, 07:03 AM
greenmxnz greenmxnz is offline
Newbie ;)
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 12
 
My advice to you sounds completely cliche, but only because it’s worked for many. Start a journey in which you focus completely on yourself. I believe there’s 6 steps.

1. Be brutally honest with yourself.
2. Isolate yourself from the dating world until the process is done.
3. Abstain from sex.
4. Notice unhealthy addictions and severe them
5. Acknowledge the positive attributes of yourself and personality
6. Create a space in which you can analyze your mentality.

With these steps, you will be able to find yourself and be comfortable with loneliness, rejection, and unfulfilled relationships. I’m currently working on that myself. I’ve just lost the love of my life, and both of us agreed to move on. It was hard.

Yet, your immense urge to find a cure for this pain might be the exact problem. Have you ever allowed yourself to sit in these emotions? Your external condition may be solid, but your internal condition is shattered.
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  #4  
Old 22-04-2019, 07:06 PM
Ziusudra Ziusudra is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 705
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Congratulation on finally being clean and sober!
I am sure that it was not an easy journey to finally grow up.

The other person who kept the distance from you obviously has enough self respect and self love to avoid any romantic entanglement with someone(i.e.you) who was self destructive with addiction and w/o self love.

When you stop being self destructive and when you finally treasure yourself with self love, you will be able to genuinely love someone else as well.

How do you move on?
Be aware of yourself. Then learn to love yourself, treasure yourself, and heal yourself.

Kudos to you for moving towards the right direction.
__________________
"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore". - Andre Gide
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  #5  
Old 25-04-2019, 12:51 PM
Mr_Determined Mr_Determined is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Location: Brisbane, Qld, Australia
Posts: 33
 
Wow, what you are going through is somewhat similar in my own journey whereas 'Unrequited love' is the issue.

You put forward some very valid points about how difficult it may seem (in the long run) being on your own. Personally, I can agree with everything
you stated in your post as it reflects in comparison to a situation I had done to a potential spouse +five years ago which caused her a ton of
suffering. Having now lived with this regret for what could have been, I've now reached out to her as we've had a spiritual connection for the
previous nine months.

The majority of single people feel that being attached is an insecure investment having been through an extensive tug-of-war of failed
relationship experiences and therefore they later find they are much more easily able to adapt in everyday life throughout society being surely secure of their singleness.

Looking for love shouldn't be as complicated as it has become in today's world as it's always been understood as a free gift of God. However, I
assume the advancements of technology and virtual internet dating has destroyed that notion or made it much worse.

I have no idea if such methods will help in your case or if you have already dealt with such methods. Generally, what works for others may not work
for you as we are all wired diversely.

A. It's important to acknowledge your pain and give yourself permission to cry or be angry about it. Faking positivity for a while is one way to try to
make yourself feel better. But it's totally fine to be sad.

B. Getting back out there is advice you typically hear a lot after a breakup or rejection. Although it's easier said than done, it can be quite an
effective way to finally get over that unrequited love once you're ready. "Taking the time to date and meet new people will give you opportunity to
identify if you truly wanted the person you were crushing on or if it was just the desire to have what you couldn't have."

C. Unrequited love really is the worst. But at the end of the day, you deserve to be with someone who actually loves being with you. "The One" isn't
someone who's just going to pop in and out of your life whenever it's convenient for them. They'll actually work out problems with you, not leave
the minute things get too serious. Beyond that, you won't have to over-analyze every little thing they do in order to figure out whether or not they
like you back because they'll actually make an effort to show you how much they care.

I don't know what else to suggest, but I would also have to agree with the forgiveness solution Andyangel1205 had given.

They say; Love comes when you least expect it, take time out for yourself Kundalinikid and do the things that you enjoy in your own time. May love
have it's way of finding you when the time is right.

Congrats on giving up the abusive substances too btw.

Kind regards,
Kangol
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  #6  
Old 01-05-2019, 04:55 PM
kundalinikid kundalinikid is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 164
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ziusudra
Congratulation on finally being clean and sober!
I am sure that it was not an easy journey to finally grow up.

The other person who kept the distance from you obviously has enough self respect and self love to avoid any romantic entanglement with someone(i.e.you) who was self destructive with addiction and w/o self love.

When you stop being self destructive and when you finally treasure yourself with self love, you will be able to genuinely love someone else as well.

How do you move on?
Be aware of yourself. Then learn to love yourself, treasure yourself, and heal yourself.

Kudos to you for moving towards the right direction.

How could you even comment to know that? This response was not remotely related to my question btw but um “thanks”.

Self love is an illusion of the ego.
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  #7  
Old 01-05-2019, 04:59 PM
kundalinikid kundalinikid is offline
Knower
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 164
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andyangel1205
Have you tried forgiveness? It sounds like perhaps you are still hanging on to some past hurts. Forgive yourself and forgive the person you were in this relationship with. I've found this to be a tried and true method to heal from something like this, but it's easier said than done.

Yes, ive tried. Good advice.

Last edited by kundalinikid : 01-05-2019 at 05:53 PM.
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  #8  
Old 03-05-2019, 10:30 PM
linen53 linen53 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 12,779
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When I was a young adult I had more baggage than an airport.

As far as healing. Once I read the only thing we have to deal with and heal from is what is in our own back yard. And I have to give an emphatical nod to that statement as I look back.

In healing I read a lot of spiritual books trying to figure out why my childhood was such a mess and my teen and early adult years were full of bad choices and questionable behaviors. I carried a big placard around with the word victim on it. Not literally but mentally.

We come here to learn. We learn not by reading a book or taking a class. Life lessons can't be learned from a book. Books are for learning math and stuff like that. We learn life lessons by making mistakes. Doing bad stuff. When we can give ourselves a honest look in the mirror and decide we don't like our self very much; that's when change begins. That's when we learn to be a better human being.

You wouldn't be the person you are today had you not gone down that bumpy path when you were young. You were never supposed to be the person you came into this lifetime as. You were supposed to be the person you are now. You have more compassion, empathy and appreciation for the rest of your life.

That's what I realized about myself. No, I don't get A+ on my report card on all subjects but I get a few. The rest are C's and D's and that is just fine with me. I'm not supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to be human who came here to learn.

In my reading books I learned we actually make a life blueprint before we come here. We have a lesson plan. We choose a family that will help us learn our lessons (those aren't necessarily good lessons they help us learn). We choose DNA that is in line with what lessons we will learn. Now if that is true (which I believe it is) then I have no one to blame but myself for what happened to set me on a path full of pitfalls and boulders. And if that is the case (which I believe it is) then I am responsible for everything that happened to me. Which means those who harmed me were merely there as instruments to help me learn my lessons.

I'm 65 now. I've healed from all the trauma. All the bad choices/behaviors. I've forgiven myself. I brushed myself off and stood myself back up and I am moving forward again.

Just remember: you did the best you could back then with the information you had. You know better now and can and do make better choices. Which equates to: lessons learned.
__________________
Deb

If you hit rock bottom, start picking up rocks.

By embracing my imperfections I am becoming perfect.

Itís through the cracks that the light gets in.
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  #9  
Old 15-05-2019, 04:51 PM
Rachella Rachella is offline
Pathfinder
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 90
 
Hey kundalinikid, I had missed this post. LOL, I could've written it myself, from the addictions to the fear of parents dying, to the finally becoming adults. I am struggling with your very same problem, and I know how frustrating it is to harbour memories still after a ridiculous amount of time (years!!!). I too had a lot (and still have) of weird/kinda supernatural links to that person. He is in a relationship with someone else and I thought that the news could help me to get a grip, in fact learning that didn't make any difference. Only that I won't contact him ever again because it feels disrespectful to his girlfriend and his choices.
I think whoever suggested here forgiveness and acceptance was right. I dont know if this is big bull****, but I compare this person's absence in my life with my mum's passing. She is not here any longer but it doesn't mean I don't live her anymore or she doesn't love me.
There are reasons why we make the choices we make, reasons why some people stick around and others not. It's true that everything comes or goes for the best. Life's possibilities are limitless and even if we're suffering now Im certain that there are still special people to meet and deep connections to explore and enjoy.
I hope I didn't misunderstand your post as in these days I am a bit in PTS myself following the news I was talking about. Luckily this week I was not working! All the best and keep going xxx
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