Hey. I want to talk abit about my experience with a mental disorder, the one and only and what it means to me, this is not some sort of psychotherapy its more of a documented experience. Its also not to feel ashamed of my story. I Am probably gonna edit it and add more underway
So i have been diagnosed with schizotypal mental disorder I am 27 years old a man, and a virgin
The virgin part im not proud of, but i have a problem commiting and being in a relationship, i am a good looking man and all but its the hurt and the anger in a relationship and being part of someone that i am not fully ready for (or interrested in) Also i dont like love stories with many one night stands i dont get it. i really dont want to love many.
i was into a lot of all kinds of spirituality like twin flames, sacred geomtry, higher selves, peace kingdom you name it. But i wouldent call myself religious i had a belief in reincarnation and that was it a hope for it, today i believe in alot more. I was either sceptical on forums or just plain playing stupid for knowledge.
6 years ago i had let go of my ego and fell into a meditation from sentences others wrote to my post on some other forum called "spirit-science", i saw this yin yang energy green yellow red (like rastafari) in my head i thought i would reincarnate cause i couldent feel my body, when i woke up i felt the most amazing joy i have ever felt in my life, my anxiety was gone and everyone had the same eye color ! "I had to do something exiting" short after i went to the mental hospital.
At the mental hospital the movie inception was playing on the their TV and it was very non ordinary, I had so much adrenaline shaking and joy to dance and cry, soon after i was medicated. i developed this empathy for the other mentally ill and was just walking around feeling their feelings etc. I think there was telepathy aswell at one point.
At one point i was so medicated and tired and fell aswell, had a lucid dream about my one and only in paradise like the place with warm waterfalls and honey etc - in the real paradise, where in the dream she recognized me and hugged me with the most satified face, amazingly beautiful. Next morning i called her "Nichole" and said loud "dont take the sun from me" And that i had been in paradise with her before i was born here
I kept thinking about this girl Nichole and was on different trips outside of the house going for her in my mind. One time i even walked 17 km just to meet her, that she would come live with me and decent from paradise
Like i had some experiences on medication that if i thought of bearded white pals that looked like "god" i would see it everywhere.
I had read alot about laws of attraction and lots of sacred geometry very new agy. But here after my experience i would call my self 'old religious meaning i believe in the "old world" wich means i believe you can be in a state of mind where you see the old sun old moon and believe in this thing called solitude with the world. dont know how else to put it. Where you can have peace of mind and be present. Yet believe.
now at one point on medication i was so far out that i thought god spoke to me in just 1 second,
so from one side he shown as allah, and the other as yahweh, Allah told me like this :coffee=hell, Candy=heaven, Shampoo=paradise, Sex=one and only, And doc said Also Hash= is also sin and also "everything but warrior in world of warcraft, cause ur not god"
Yahweh said: Quit smoking and you get the girl you want
Now i didnt talk to god for a long time it was only like spoken to me in very Short time, i had the impression i should not Do those things as allah told and i should do as yahweh told, however i had the impression that after the 1 second god talk, i felt most things i did was gods predictions for me. I have doubted both my quit smoking and quitting coffee sex candy shampoo for a very very long time we talk 4 years only because i believed it was "God" i have been putting my bible out aswell countless times only to see weather change. In my mind i thought this "nichole" was my one and only and we would meet at some point in time.
It has come to a point that i did not put the bible out before i have solitude, i do smoke still drink coffee shampoo etc and actually do play warrior in world of warcraft :P
Now it gets worse cause 2 years ago i had a thought that she could come try and be me for 1 day, i said in my mind what about 2 days *okay, then okay 21 days.'
i have either made up a personality inside of me that i call "nichole" or there really is someone there, cause in those 21 days i experienced another person inside of me, i was feeling her feelings. She had joy in folding clothes like perfect folds when lights were out, she saw the world romantic like you would imagine as paradise being "flat" and not a planet. just the feeling of her were that she was like an elf that wanted pakour and climb stuff to see over the city etc. But also joy the romantic
I Kept some of that personality after those 21 days, and today i even have it like i have seriously Loving feelings, like in denmark we say "elske" and Kærlighed" wich means that 'to love someone' and to love.
i really feel innerly that i love someone like my heart is attached to this i feel im closer and closer to no anxiety at all, like when she hugged me i felt that her inner is loving me like literally she cant love anyone else, and that feels very safe imagine such a hug. i believe that i can be so romantic to this person that i dont feel shy around people like its the 17th century im not joking and i used to be a guy that was shy and a little angry. This is a total trip for me. My feelings today is pure peace and thats awesome. Imagine "acting" in front of people but not acting and show real feels
however there is a destiny besides this one and only and i am outside of that and thats even more weird to have 2 girls. its like having a moon and a sun
Its not that i believe in my experience, its more that i can see that smile and know in my heart that its the one and only.
In danish "einstein" is also "en sten", eneste ene" = one and only. - my idol is einstein
I dont think i will meet her, but i will know her smile when i do. Cause she must be the happiest most satified person ever and i enjoy that.
Thanks for reading
It's sick but now its written.
however its been 6 rough years, those years has learned me that my taste of life is different than other people. Literally my taste is natural and different.
The problem is maybe that i really innerly feel i love someone from outside source like i know the hurt the anger the standards etc of being in a relationship yet dont feel engaged in commiting to new. its hard to tell how i have blushing feelings as a man thats 27. i feel so calm and fresh and new yet see old its like i see her satisfaction and perfect smile as my own feeling of grace and glory grows when close and when i compliment her we both feel it like i can compliment and she feels it then i feel it and its grows to good perfect its like i feel her satisfaction when complimenting her and then she feels my satisfaction and it grows in her and just comes out as blushing or love to the other yet not to much its always balanced by our selves its like i know when its to much feeling etc. extremely close love feelings and feeling myself having grace and purity when i satisfy her? as she feels love and being loved from me its like you have this person you can tell stories to and shes ALWAYS interrested in hearing them like a loving little girl with amazing fantasy, its like she has fantasy and i let nobody into my fantasy its like i am meditating with the stars in my fantasy and have a sword guarding so nobody can enter, where as she has this amazing fantasy of jumping dimensions where as i instantly refuse or just let it pass, i see instant pictures in my mind and think very quick and clearly where as she has to let it in. i literally dont think. or think very fast, she's always shocked
or in awe over my paradoxial stories endings. etc etc example also if she is badly hurt by my words she just go "its not that" and leave me alone and she basicly waits for her own feeling to calm down instead of a fight, this kind of strong relationship..
Its like we have been through all love hate and everything in paradise and have strong strong strong feelings and trust me in my soul i remember it like hellish anger and her not speaking when hurt feeling it so deeply that i would get confused for her not talking it was hell in paradise .. if its true
because honestly i have never felt more pure than after all this experience like my face radiates peace and love, not shyness and anxiety i have never in my life felt so close to my higher self at all and that's a whole other experience i have feminine feelings and understandings and i am grateful for it. I am learning so much
funny thing is i do miss my anger and hot warm feelings and that i can get angry, i miss my natural happiness and solitude its funny to say but i kind of miss my ego and being i miss that small matters concern me i miss those things but i believe i will get it back. I kind of hope so, because i know its there i feel it on my nerves but i dont react at all to it. I want my nerves back lol, i do take nerve medicine today and hopefully when i quit i will feel anger joy natural happiness etc these feelings have been hard to give up on.
For now.
cause honestly my nose feels so pure when crying its like i have become grateful. Its not my soul that is pure its my nose heh
its like i can cry and inhale with my nose and just that feeling of pureness in the inhalation of the nose lets me cry one more time, and these tears are not just neverending sad tears no these tears are a feeling of contentment but its the nose that feels pure its like to clear your mind and i have such bursts of gratefulness where i throw up, cry good tears, yawn cry throw up yawn i dont know why but it feels very good its like to clear your body and feel pure i dont know why i really want if someone could answer me why this clearing happens and its not anguish but more like clearing of mind or clearing of heart even the feeling of nasal mucus gets pure white and feels clearing and pure and this is very nice for me to experience that i can keep on crying and feel more and more good my nose and breathing feels so good after doing this. might say i feel bliss when its over and basicly good while its going on.
ending with Nada is everything
Everything is nada
my higher self is nada
search "i am that i am" or "i am who i am"
goodbye =D
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