How to live with negative people and have inner peace?

[blackraven]

Samana and lightworkerAU - No one is curing hatred with hatred and smudging is not superstition. You cannot possibly know my heart. I woke up this morning embracing the world with love and came upon satil's post with much personal compassion as I've stood in his/her shoes many times myself in my own circumstances. As for my coming onto the Buddhist thread with non-Buddhist beliefs, well don't we all express ourselves openly regardless to the thread. Many non-Christian people come onto the Christian thread and fire away. I do not believe it is fair to single me out in this case at all. Both of you, IMO, have become a little full of yourselves in your holier than though judgment of others when all I was trying to do was help. I apologize for crossing thread lines and will keep it in mind that the gatekeepers of this Buddhist thread do not appreciate differing opinions in the future. You might like to venture out and take a look into other areas of the forum to see what other things such as smudging are about before throwing stones.

And lightworkerAU "The problems within the person are visible for all the world to see." Surely you are not referring this most insulting comment to myself. If so, you come from quite a high place of judgment. Not a very Christian place to come from, but then again, we're in the Buddhist thread. Stone throwers apparently. Ouch!!!!!!! :(

Blackraven

[athribiristan]

Originally Posted by satil

If someone asks me that question, I would tell them to be compassionate and positive around them so that the whole environment becomes more positive. We may even want to discuss with them the issue, or send them materials that teach them or cheer them up! If not successful, we may minimize the contact!

However, I am not sure what to do in my own situation. I am a beginner in the path of being a compassionate loving person and finding inner peace.

My own parents are very negative people who don't trust others. They are lonely and unhappy. I am from the same family and living in another country for 9 years has separated me from those emotions, making me a happier and more positive person. But they come to stay with my family every year for a few month to see my husband, my 1 year old son and me.

The moment I see them, it is like all those feelings come back. I tried everything I mentioned above to turn the environment, but although I had a little success, it is not easy to talk to your parents these view points, when you are a beginner yourself and they are old and rigid.

I love them very much and I am happy to see them every year, but they suck all my energy by speaking and acting negatively, being disrespectful towards each other and being depressed and lonely. That makes me not like them to be around while I am trying hard to find my own inner peace.

Does anyone have any suggestion? I appreciate any suggestion and thank you in advance for being compassionate enough to see my suffering and trying to help.

Does your inner peace depend on other people? I would say that if it does, it is not true peace. Nothing more is really necessary than to realize this. The more you believe that your inner peace is complete in itself and free from outside influence the more that becomes true.

[Lightspirit]

Originally Posted by blackraven

Samana and lightworkerAU - No one is curing hatred with hatred and smudging is not superstition. You cannot possibly know my heart. I woke up this morning embracing the world with love and came upon satil's post with much personal compassion as I've stood in his/her shoes many times myself in my own circumstances. As for my coming onto the Buddhist thread with non-Buddhist beliefs, well don't we all express ourselves openly regardless to the thread. Many non-Christian people come onto the Christian thread and fire away. I do not believe it is fair to single me out in this case at all. Both of you, IMO, have become a little full of yourselves in your holier than though judgment of others when all I was trying to do was help. I apologize for crossing thread lines and will keep it in mind that the gatekeepers of this Buddhist thread do not appreciate differing opinions in the future. You might like to venture out and take a look into other areas of the forum to see what other things such as smudging are about before throwing stones.

And lightworkerAU "The problems within the person are visible for all the world to see." Surely you are not referring this most insulting comment to myself. If so, you come from quite a high place of judgment. Not a very Christian place to come from, but then again, we're in the Buddhist thread. Stone throwers apparently. Ouch!!!!!!! :(


Blackraven

whoops sorry I was not directing my post at anyone in particular dont take what I wrote as anything more than a generalised observation of people around me and their reaction to negativity. as an answer to satil's OP

I am a christian and in my post I introduced myself as one so the buddhists here would know I am in case it was not appropriate for me to post here and they could tell me as I have never posted in a buddhist thread before.
The idea of my post was just some general advice to help with negativity in life as it gets encountered occasionally.

You may have took me wrong with the hatred thing what I meant is if we treat people the same way as they are if someone has negativity from them or negative emotions and we respond the same way inner peace goes away to some degree but if negativity is met with a loving response it helps to cheer a negative person up. It also makes us feel good inside. (I had a fresh picture in my mind about a guy who posted a dismissive calloused remark about the suffering of another on a different forum thats why I included that as an emotion in a generalised reply. I thought to myself you dont even need to say anything in response to a post like that.)


Peace and love and light

Hi Satil,

For me personally when this happens all I can do is send love light and healing to them. Take a step back and accept this is who they are. It's not a reflection on you - and you are not the person they like to try and make you. Yes they are your parents, and being the person you are, you show them respect and love. When it gets too much, walk away and do some deep breathing to calm the heartrate down. You can also put yourself in a bubble of white light of protection. Take a look at these vids - it just may help.

Namaste
Jue x


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oyap0KBouP0&NR=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Zj6_Pjb5mk1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owiL0...eature=related

Originally Posted by blackraven

satil - The way you do that is by keeping a degree of mental detachment from them at all times,.. You can still love them and be cordial toward them...

Good point blackraven.

If it were me, I would create a daily family activity for the household to counteract the negativity by setting a positive example. For example, you could say, "We want to set a good example to our child for how people should be treated. So once a day we sit together as a family and each say 3 nice things about each other or things we appreciate about each other. You don't have to join, but this is important to us so we are still going to do this once a day while you are here." Or something like stating 3 things about your day that you enjoyed, singing a song that has a message of compassion in it... I know it's silly, but with a one year old in the house it's not that strange to do silly things during family activities. If it is something visible that can be heard out loud that could make a stronger impact.

I've had a stepmother who hated my guts for being happy, basically. For many years I was negatively affected by her mean words (both to my face and behind my back) and actions towards me, and my father's silence only made the whole thing worse.
But after 4 years, when I was around 19 years old, I decided to turn the whole situation around... By starting to love her. The next time I met her, she started to insult and accuse me as usual, to which I replied "You are wonderful", truly meaning it too. I was in complete peace when saying this, and wow I was amazed... Because it worked! She got speechless for quite some time, then she took a deep breath and smiled. Behind the smile there was a lot of shame, but I did not judge her, instead I smiled back. There came more times when she got back into the bad habits of rudeness, but I just gave her a compliment to remind her of what we all are (...love...) and it worked perfectly every time.
These days when she gets really upset about things she calls me and I show her a new perspective to it, which calms her down and brings peace to her heart. In other words, I'm kind of a mentor to her. Feels wonderful :-)

Of course you gotta listen very carefully if you want to try this yourself, since it really depends on the moment (and partly the person, too). Some may be even more upset if they recieve unconditional love, out of fear and guilt, but just be easy on those who you think may react this way.
For me, it's the perfect way to handle negative people.
I find it a wee bit more challenging when it comes to strangers, such as customers at work (I work over desk, so I meet plenty of people each day) but I know it's just a habit I need to change; becoming aware in the very moment that the negativity spreading person infront of me just denies the truth; that all is love- but in spite of that ALWAYS has and will deserve my unconditional love- just like everything and everyone else! many times I've forgotten this and become more negative myself, but I'm learning, for which I'm incredibly grateful for!

So... Good luck and love you :-)


childheart

Hi blackraven. I looked up 'smudging' and came up with the following:

Smudging

is the burning of certain herbs to create a cleansing "smoke bath", which is used to purify people,
ceremonial and ritual space, and ceremonial tools and objects.
Many differing cultures and people have their own methods and herbal mixtures for this purpose.
Native American’s use a variety of smudging mixtures in this way, as do Hindu's, Buddhist's, and, of course Hippies and Pagans.

http://60sfurther.com/Tao-Incense-Ritual-Tools.htm

Perhaps Samana is a beginner at Buddhism and is not yet aware of all the practises, but she will learn as time passes. I hope that your feelings aren't hurt and that you will continue to participate. I usually frequent the vegetarian threads and over time, I've been learning to not 'pick up other peoples baggage' if you know what I mean. So please, know that we are all welcome on any thread.

This post touches on a very a sensitive issue i am experiencing in my life right now, and if i may seek some opinions and guidance on this. sorry if it is long winded and i will say beforehand this isnt an exercise to judge my mum or put her down but to give an insight into the situation.

My mum is an extremely difficult person, swallowed by bitterness and envious of others material gains and happiness, she has spent her life makign friends, dumping friends, marrying and then destroying each relationship and then dumping them too, she tends to try and imitate what makes others happy in thier lives in ope it will bring it to hers too, when it doesnt she finds reason to dispose of this person,though she will never admit responsibilty for anything , i have known times where she has blantently lied ( even with witnesses) or foudn reason to blame the other people, she's very materialistically driven and can be abit cut throat about it , constantly chasing money and spending it on whims, from my view trying to fill an empty void to no avail, this saddens me alot, i have tried to talk with her and have touched on her finding inner peace and then the rest will follow. her greatest fear is to end up like her own mother, alone day after day in a care home with no visits from her children till the day she dies.

what is causing me great distress at times now , is where this has led her to right now, her latest marriage has fallen apart, my eldest brother 9 her 1st born) refuses to engage with her unless she's willing to talk about her treatment of him and his family ( she shows little interest in her 1st grandchild ) my other brother ( her 2nd born) lives in SA and though he stays polite is quite happy she is not directly in his life, and now her 4th marriage has been tossed aside.. and it seems i became the target of her bitterness, anything from the fact that i am beign supportive to her ex who has tried suicide numerous times, to attacking me about my parenting, being scornfula nd malicious that i was left inheritance by my step dad whom she divorced but tried to get back with after his terminal diagnosis when refused she met her lastest ex and was engaged within 5 days of meeting him and married by 6mths. she has lied about me , bad mouthed me at every oppourtunity, screamed abuse in my face and at my children when in her care though she openly favours my eldest daughter and has done since birth, when my 2nd daughter came along 3 yrs later, my mum took no time waiting to tell her at the tender age of 3 that she was not as nice as my eldest, not to mention infront of my children in conversation wishing their grandad would just drop dead, ( 2 mths prior to him actually passing so you can imagine the impact that had) for 3 years i have bittenmy tongue, extremely difficult but i have tried until recently, where i had to draw a line .... and i told her that unless things change , and that she seeks help our relationship will not work and that i cannot continue it , she has deleted and blocked me form her fb account, told numerous terrible lies, and will not admit anything, crying to others that she does not deserve this.

now i understand it is her path, and that i cannot make her seek help or realise , she has to do this herself, btu right now she has moved yet again for the 5th time in 2 yrs, and she is living in a place where she knows no one , family and friends are not around as she has either dumped them or they have put distance between her and them. I can see that she is headign for her greatest fear and it breaks my heart, i cant just walk bcak in and go back to square one but it doesnt make me happy to know shes on her own.. the emotional strain this causes is intense, if i let her back in before she makes any changes then my kids well being and my own are at risk emotionally and if i dont hers is.

i mean is it ever really truely acceptable to walk away? and with out harbouring guilt that will no doubt hold my own growth back, i'm workign on the guilt as its not my fault and this is her path , her journey btu its sucks knowing that your mum is living in her own worse fear come true :'(

any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated and sorry its so long
blessings
x x x

ps sorry for the typos also :s

Geminilite, I read through your post and I feel so sad for you. It is hard being the child of a 'difficult' parent because no matter how ****** they treat you, for some reason, it is hard for us to just let go or to move out of the child mode. But I really think you have to do both. You have to let go of her, let go of any sense of responsibility for her, let go of any guilt that you are carrying around because of her and let go of your loyalty to her. She doesn't value any of the people in her life apparently and she doesn't care that you are trudging through life burdened down by her nastiness.

Each of us has an alloted time to make of our life what we will. We are born alone, we die alone, and the time in between is when we decide if we'll spend that alone too. Your mother has made her decision. You are not responsible for her or her happiness.

My mom is a little bit like your mom. Maybe not as extreme, but she is negative, she is opinionated, she is condescending and she loves to play the martyr card and make out like everyone is out to get her figuratively speaking. She also won't do the heart to heart talks, and prefers to dwell on supposed hurts and carry grudges forever. It has taken me years to get to the place where her 'baggage' is no longer on my back, but it can be done, and you must do it. And you may find, down the road, after your mom has gotten over the shock of you taking a stand, that she may start to soften. And maybe she won't, but it's absolutely her decision if she is going to die lonely. She is old enough to know what she is doing.

I hope you figure out how to take the next step, but you must remember, you are not responsible for her. Good luck in finding your way on this one.