Trouble expressing my feelings

Gemini46 · #1 26-08-2019, 09:49 AM

I have an issue that I have been ignoring but have come to the realization that I really need to deal with it but I don't know how. Hopefully some outside perspectives will help me in doing so.

I won't bore you with the details but since I have been reunited with my twin, which was mid May, I have been having more and more mental breakdowns than I can even handle. I am schizophrenic and had to go off my anti-psychotic medication recently due to some dangerous side effects that started appearing. I will take one every now and then if I absolutely need to but for the most part I don't. It has been one psychotic episode after another or a complete emotional breakdown. Some days I can't even tell what is real anymore. I tend to repress my emotions and allow myself to believe that I am in control of them but that couldn't be further from the truth. When it comes to my twin my emotions are intense and consuming. I don't like to think about them because quite honestly I am afraid of them. I have been really putting in the effort though to be honest with my feeling and accept that they are there and I really need to address them.

We are both aware of our attraction towards each other but I have never told him how I feel towards him fearing he may cut me from his life. I know keeping my feelings hidden aren't doing either one of us a favor but I just have no idea how to go about doing this. I am absolutely terrified but it needs to be dealt with and soon. I don't know whether or not to pour my heart out to him or even how I could. I have always played the runner primarily. Whenever I have to play the chaser it is only when I receive the okay to do so from our higher self otherwise it has no effect.

To brief you on our situation, he is a married man with kids my age that owns the company that I work for. So you can see there are some obstacles. He has a very busy life with a lot of people in it and mine is extremely quiet. Other than my small family he is the only real person in my life right now, as depressing as that seems. Everyone else has left my side. Even life long friendships have dissolved. Once I realize I am the only one holding it together I let it go. This has caused me a lot of heartache.

He means so much to me though and I need to tell him somehow but I am so so scared that my feelings will scare him off. I don't really know how I would begin to cope with that kind of loss but like I said it needs to be done somehow.

His birthday is coming up so I thought I could use that as an excuse to write him a letter. I have also just considered sending him a simple text so clearly I am being pulled 2 ways and I don't always know which one is up and which one is down. The simple text would be safer but I doubt it would fix anything. The letter is the riskier route but the most honest one.

I don't know.... I need guidance. Perhaps some of you have better suggestions on how to handle this. Any input is welcomed and appreciated

7luminaries · #2 26-08-2019, 12:38 PM

Hello...I saw your title about trouble expressing your feelings. I see there is more going on than I might have guessed.

First...I'm so sorry for your troubles and IMO, your main priority is YOU. IMO you need to speak to your therapist and your psychiatrist ASAP and tell them your current meds are not working for you because of the side effects.

Going off your meds is not the way, since it brings on episodes.
And absolutely, you need a reliable course of meds that is free from dangerous side effects.

Additionally, IMO you need a strong talk therapy aspect to your treatment...you need to put those feelings out there in a safe place and take a look at them in that safe place. BTW...in addition to a therapist, many say that safe group settings are also very important aspects of an ongoing recovery, in this case mental health recovery -- everything is held private and you are affirmed by hearing from others who are dealing with a similar situation.

As to the other...you are half his age and he is married...I cannot help but think any intentions he might have would not be at all honourable. To be honest, if he is giving you come-ons or making moves on you that is borderline harassment. Often that's why they might wait for you to make a move, to absolve themselves of guilt or blame for having sex with an underling in their employ.

Also, since it may not be a real thing, due to your episodes, I would definitely not pursue sharing feelings with your boss. It may cost you your job but maybe only after he has had a fling with you for the sex. I would take your feelings to your therapist and discuss it. Also, you may want to journal your feelings if it helps, but I would keep it private aside from your therapist.

I do wish you all the best - it's never good to feel you can't express what's in your heart. You just need a safe place to be able to share those feelings whilst you get yourself back on track with your treatment.

Peace & blessings and much love & light

7L

Gemini46 · #3 26-08-2019, 01:14 PM

Thank you for your response 7luminaries, I appreciate you giving me your honest opinion. TBH I would LOVE a safe place to go with this. I have no friends though and I cannot bring it to my family. I don't have a therapist at the time, no insurance, that is why I am bringing it out on this forum, this is my safe place right now.

I may try the journal for now but these feelings still need to be addressed somehow someway, I just can't carry this weight around by myself anymore.

Tuesday · #4 26-08-2019, 01:34 PM

From someone suffering from the same illness as you, if you have trouble with medication, tell it to a doctor and ask for another one. I went through 4 different medications before finding the right one.
With schizophrenia, you are bound to do a bunch of stupid things during a psychosis, even hurting yourself or other that it's essential that before the situation goes worse, you go back on meds. You have noticed that without them you are having psychotic episodes, for your own safety and well being, please go talk to a doctor asap. Schizophrenia is not an easy disease and as you said, if not treated, it's really hard to say what is true and what is not and we might make irrational decisions because of it.

If you ever need someone to talk to, please pm me.

Gemini46 · #5 26-08-2019, 02:02 PM

Yes I have decided not to go the letter route, probably not my greatest idea. I am not a very verbal creature, I prefer to let my actions do the talking so the letter idea does not go hand in hand with my true self. For now I am just going to continue to give it to God and let him figure the rest out.

Thanks for your concern, Tuesday. The side effects started a few days before I had a doctors appointment so I have already brought it to his attention. Like most psychs he was of little to no help though. He put me on some garbage and took me off the anti-psychotics. I have some left though + a refill and I have been taking them when I truly feel its necessary. I will likely move my next appointment up so I can straighten this nonsense out, because yeah, you both are probably correct in that regards.

#6 27-08-2019, 09:30 AM

The advice here is sound. It's sad to hear of your situation but it doesn't come without danger and the prospect of deep disappointment.

7luminaries summed it up so very well.
Being fairly down to earth myself you seem to be facing trouble on three fronts:
- he's married and with daughters of your age he sounds pretty established.

- he's much older than you so I see sense in 7luminaries' warnings - you could be a potential "bit on the side".

- he's your employer. Workplace romances are dodgy enough but an employer? It's extraordinarily difficult to keep these things secret in workplaces so he'll have to consider the effect on his other employees.

For all that, it might just be one of these magical moments and he whisks you away like our Prince Harry did some Hollywood actress but please be VERY cautious.

Hoping then you get this sorted out and have a chance to pour out to your therapist. Take care and keep taking your meds.
.
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Gemini46 · #7 27-08-2019, 08:12 PM

Thank you all for the honest advice, it has all been very helpful. I was in an emotional state while I wrote that. I have since found what I needed to bring myself back to sanity

Now I feel rather silly. Gotta love psychosis.

This TF experience has been nothing short of exhausting, but I have learned over the years that it is not a person so much as it is an energy. It has changed forms more times than I can count but has only attached itself to 2 individuals. There was a brief transition period where it was with a 3rd guy but it was nothing like what I have felt for the other 2.

Every now and then it will reside in both individuals though and when it does I feel much much better. I haven't seen the 1st guy in over 3 years though so more often than not it stays in the 2nd person since he is an active part of my life at this time.

To be honest I don't care anymore, I am just happy it is in a stable form. I handed this problem over to God yesterday and am very happy I did. I'll let him deal with that lunatic so I can get back to my own life. If putting my twin in his place isn't already his top priority then it no doubt will be very soon once he realizes what he has signed up for. If anyone is going to drive God crazy it'd be him.

Sugar-n-Spice · #8 28-08-2019, 03:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini46

This TF experience has been nothing short of exhausting, but I have learned over the years that it is not a person so much as it is an energy. It has changed forms more times than I can count but has only attached itself to 2 individuals. There was a brief transition period where it was with a 3rd guy but it was nothing like what I have felt for the other 2.

Every now and then it will reside in both individuals though and when it does I feel much much better. I haven't seen the 1st guy in over 3 years though so more often than not it stays in the 2nd person since he is an active part of my life at this time.

This happened to me before. I had a twin flame experience that wretched my soul to the ends of sanity then I met another guy who was like a more functional twin flame experience. I was like what is this. It was sweet but ended pretty painful, not as painful as the first.

I now have a few mental disorders too - pretty ugly.

Gemini46 · #9 28-08-2019, 03:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugar-n-Spice

I now have a few mental disorders too - pretty ugly.

I think you meant to say super powers

SheShatters · #10 01-09-2019, 04:23 AM

Gemini46, Can I just say, you have so much going on and you still have such a lovely positive attitude. You might think you are not good at using words, but everything you have written here is clear and I can actually feel where you are speaking from. I really hope that you can get back in to therapy and get your meds straight soon (that is a big issue for me, too, since I had cancer 8 years ago, medsmedsmedsmeds). Never lose your beautiful light!