What are the traits you most admire in a partner ?

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Lucky 1

LOL!!!!
My wife is all of those things and then some! But a drone??? no way!!! and her pair is figuratively speaking....occasionally bigger than mine...... and she definitely has her own opinions and will disagree when she sees fit to do so

Me??? I can be sweet and kind....but no one who knows us would say I'm as sweet and kind as my wife is.....not even close.....

Curvy? No one would say that about me!
My wife on the other hand is nicely curvy!!!

The fact is that after my failed first marriage..... I did in fact think long and hard about what kind of woman I wanted to be with..... I found her and after more than 25 years I can say that we are well matched and very good together!

Err.."sweet and fun" is what you said. I suggested other neutral terms which didn't imply someone who is submissive and subservient, meaning, you could use them to describe anyone with those same traits, but (IMO) in a more respectful way that honours their dignity It's not about whether you think you are as kind and caring as your wife -- certainly, our culture has not schooled most men to think of kindness as powerful or central to a man's character. And yet it very much is. Kindness needs a serious upgrade in the eyes of most.

It's about whether you would use the term for yourself or any other man you esteem and deem it acceptable and good. If so, then it is OK in my book to also use for a woman. If you think it's a "limp" term and you would never use it for yourself in public, then clearly it's not something that you personally prize for yourself, and it should never be used to describe anyone else. I'm not sure if you understand that, but it's a crystal-clear insult to do. Jim Crow terms come to mind, and reserving special terms only for women and girls is barely a step above this, if at all. This is how folks get mentally downgraded, controlled, patronised, disrespected, and ultimately dehumanised.

So now we come to sweet and fun. (Or "playful" or other too often sexualised terms). Those who are in charge don't have to worry about being in a state that is pleasing and soothing to others (sweet) and being entertaining to them, or not being bothersome (fun). That's for lackeys and stooges and sidekicks, traditionally. Or, slaves, servants, and/or women. Suppose that's why I prefer kind and caring, and most definitely would apply to both men and women of character.

Re: curvy and that not applying to you...hahaha....well, I think the vast majority of women would be labelled curvy relative to men. So you can leave this one off in my book, or not, as you wish. You could just say I prefer women and we would get the point. I don't like to read a laundry list of physical traits or colouring preferences etc...but that's me. Many women could fit the exact same physical bill as your wife...probably the majority of women on earth, LOL.

So I would hope and trust that had your wife been sportier with different colouring or what have ye, you'd still have loved her. Meaning, they weren't on a laundry list and you came to love the person. I know I am aligned with a reality that's not yet come to be in many ways (LOL), but IMO don't think the physical list of traits is necessary because it's impersonal and you can slot in a million others who fit the same bill physically. I get if folks say I like a sparkle in the eyes or warm smile or someone who has a presence and is present with me...but I think you know what I mean.

Thanks for sharing and letting me share too. I really believe all this exchange and reflection is very important for men and women to understand how to see one another's full humanity. In particular, it starts with how we see them within our hearts and minds. Words carry power and help to shape our realities, for all their limitations. When you change the words, you can begin to see how some words are or feel diminishing or controlling, whilst others seem powerfui or perhaps more neutral. Sometimes we can't tell and that's when conversation with others is so important...because words are used in community with one another.

Peace & blessings
7L

[angelic star]

-lacking the ability to see me first and foremost in the fullness of my humanity, as a person and as a beloved friend, equal in every way to himself except physical strength
-lacking the capacity or stamina to get to know and befriend a woman simply as she is before expecting & demanding full carnal knowledge, as if sex comes first or sex is all that we are valued for
-to restate the above, treating women like prostitutes, dehumanizing us and degrading us with these behaviours, assumptions, and perceptions

You have spoken my mind. If someone is just after how I seemingly appear to them physically, or because in their mind women are just these mere object to massage their silly ego, then I have NO respect for those types actually.
Physical beauty is flattering but there is more to a meaningful relationship than that and what really keeps a relationship alive.

Imagine if one of my friends only wanted me by how I was on the surface and were to belittle me because I 'looked' a certain way or were even to compare to me because I looked a certain way. That would mean they want to exploit me. I think that kind of a relationship and person is shallow. It would be a complete NO to me if I were to be on eggshells because of anything superficial or on the surface. I cannot cater to people's strange/ selfish egos really. Acceptance and trust is very important in any partnership.
Sometimes we don't click with others, but we respect them still because they aren't superficial. That's a different thing, but the above stated qualities are what I would never want in anyone close to me.

[Lucky 1]

Originally Posted by 7luminaries

Err.."sweet and fun" is what you said. I suggested other neutral terms which didn't imply someone who is submissive and subservient, meaning, you could use them to describe anyone with those same traits, but (IMO) in a more respectful way that honours their dignity It's not about whether you think you are as kind and caring as your wife -- certainly, our culture has not schooled most men to think of kindness as powerful or central to a man's character. And yet it very much is. Kindness needs a serious upgrade in the eyes of most.

It's about whether you would use the term for yourself or any other man you esteem and deem it acceptable and good. If so, then it is OK in my book to also use for a woman. If you think it's a "limp" term and you would never use it for yourself in public, then clearly it's not something that you personally prize for yourself, and it should never be used to describe anyone else. I'm not sure if you understand that, but it's a crystal-clear insult to do. Jim Crow terms come to mind, and reserving special terms only for women and girls is barely a step above this, if at all. This is how folks get mentally downgraded, controlled, patronised, disrespected, and ultimately dehumanised.

So now we come to sweet and fun. (Or "playful" or other too often sexualised terms). Those who are in charge don't have to worry about being in a state that is pleasing and soothing to others (sweet) and being entertaining to them, or not being bothersome (fun). That's for lackeys and stooges and sidekicks, traditionally. Or, slaves, servants, and/or women. Suppose that's why I prefer kind and caring, and most definitely would apply to both men and women of character.

Re: curvy and that not applying to you...hahaha....well, I think the vast majority of women would be labelled curvy relative to men. So you can leave this one off in my book, or not, as you wish. You could just say I prefer women and we would get the point. I don't like to read a laundry list of physical traits or colouring preferences etc...but that's me. Many women could fit the exact same physical bill as your wife...probably the majority of women on earth, LOL.

So I would hope and trust that had your wife been sportier with different colouring or what have ye, you'd still have loved her. Meaning, they weren't on a laundry list and you came to love the person. I know I am aligned with a reality that's not yet come to be in many ways (LOL), but IMO don't think the physical list of traits is necessary because it's impersonal and you can slot in a million others who fit the same bill physically. I get if folks say I like a sparkle in the eyes or warm smile or someone who has a presence and is present with me...but I think you know what I mean.

Thanks for sharing and letting me share too. I really believe all this exchange and reflection is very important for men and women to understand how to see one another's full humanity. In particular, it starts with how we see them within our hearts and minds. Words carry power and help to shape our realities, for all their limitations. When you change the words, you can begin to see how some words are or feel diminishing or controlling, whilst others seem powerfui or perhaps more neutral. Sometimes we can't tell and that's when conversation with others is so important...because words are used in community with one another.

Peace & blessings
7L

Call me old fashioned but I have no use what so ever with gender neutral terms......if I'm talking about a girl... I'll be using " girl words"...... same for a man....... thanks anyway!

[Clover]

Just a reminder to all members, let's stick to the original topic.

Originally Posted by angelic star

What traits do you admire/ want to see in a partner, lover or friend ?
Also what traits to you are a turn off ?

As a side note, this is a discussion forum not a debate one. If you would like into a debate type discussion please make a thread on the strong opinions section.
Preaching, trolling, debate type posts will be removed.


Kindest regards,

Clover

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by Lucky 1

Call me old fashioned but I have no use what so ever with gender neutral terms......if I'm talking about a girl... I'll be using " girl words"...... same for a man....... thanks anyway!

Hey there Lucky,
TBH, I do think it's very odd that you or anyone would think that certain words are "girl words" and certain words are "man words". What I mean is, these traits are ALL human traits and they don't belong to just men or just women. No one owns them. When I describe the traits I love or desire in a person, kindness is at the top, and I'm definitely speaking about men.

My 6 ft 13 yr old son is one of the sweetest, kindest, and most tender-hearted people I know. And I think it's utter rubbish and quite tragic that men don't feel safe freely using these terms for themselves to honour those aspects of themselves that enlarge and strengthen and glority the generous heart. To be considerate of that, I suggest using a term like kindness not to be "gender neutral" but to be considerate of folks' feelings on all sides.

I also think it's tragic that many men don't feel courageous or safe enough to honour and recognise the courage and strength, the intellect and clarity and leadership, in women. I think it's the flip side.

That's why it was heartening that you did mention intelligence and strength are key traits you looked for in women (and that you found!). If you hadn't allowed yourself this space, you'd still be (most likely) stuck with the sweet and fun (as that's seen as socially mandated by many) but without the steel and the self-possessed mind of her own. It's all about the balance and the mix, isn't it?


Peace & blessings
7L

[SaturninePluto]

Originally Posted by angelic star

What traits do you admire/ want to see in a partner, lover or friend ?
Also what traits to you are a turn off ?

Partner-

1. Kindness- I am tired of being called names/ treated poorly.
Which leads to 2. Respectful, of themselves and others.
3. Honest- Goes hand in hand with being respectful, and kind. I don't like to be lied to or manipulated.

That is really all there is to it, for me. It has been impossible to find lately, impossible standards for people.

Friends

1. Kindness- I am tired of being called names/ treated poorly.
Which leads to 2. Respectful, of themselves and others.
3. Honest- Goes hand in hand with being respectful, and kind. I don't like to be lied to or manipulated.

3 and 4 same as before.

That's it in a nutshell folks.

[ocean breeze]

Turn offs: Someone who is too serious. I wouldn't want to be around someone who is always so serious. I also don't care to be around someone who is always complaining and gossiping behind people's backs. Which is pretty much my work environment. Constantly talking about politics would turn me off too. Self Righteousness is another huge turn off. As is constant passive aggressive behavior.

[freejoe]

yes i tend to forget this but some people live in energy dramas I would want to stay away from those , its not my world . so partner should not be in energy dramas as I am not in them . life is just one happy affair of having fun and doing as you like , for questions ask guides all else is good , the joy of just living life and be happy always seems so simple, well it is for me

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by ocean breeze

Turn offs: Someone who is too serious. I wouldn't want to be around someone who is always so serious. I also don't care to be around someone who is always complaining and gossiping behind people's backs. Which is pretty much my work environment. Constantly talking about politics would turn me off too. Self Righteousness is another huge turn off. As is constant passive aggressive behavior.

LOL.........how's this? turn offs: folks who only list turn offs but don't list any positive universal traits. Hahaha....ok, just kidding.

BTW I have known a lot of very lovely serious folks. Many folks are more serious in heavy situations, too. Love and safety can allow many folks to laugh and relax, whereas bad circumstances and dangerous places can affect the mood of many.

In many countries, particularly where they are repressed, politics are central to what is wrong with their entire lives. Discussing it is a subversive, dangerous, and freeing act - an act of insurrection and liberation, at least of their hearts and minds.

Re: gossiping and passive aggressive stuff, most would agree....don't date folks from the office as it's too often rife with some of these types and you can see exactly why it's such a bad idea to do much of anything at work but work If you have a trusted friend or two there, that's a real plus, IMO.

Just saying...I think your list is probably a bit harsh IMO regarding many folks who are serious or who consider politics, as it is so often dependent on circumstances for many, though not for all. Some are born jokers no matter what, but folks vary.

Peace & blessings
7L

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by SaturninePluto

Partner-

1. Kindness- I am tired of being called names/ treated poorly.
Which leads to 2. Respectful, of themselves and others.
3. Honest- Goes hand in hand with being respectful, and kind. I don't like to be lied to or manipulated.

That is really all there is to it, for me. It has been impossible to find lately, impossible standards for people.

Friends

1. Kindness- I am tired of being called names/ treated poorly.
Which leads to 2. Respectful, of themselves and others.
3. Honest- Goes hand in hand with being respectful, and kind. I don't like to be lied to or manipulated.

3 and 4 same as before.

That's it in a nutshell folks.

A very nice post IMO, and a very nice list. Agreed
Peace & blessings,
7L