Friendship rift

[Grace222]

Thanks CrystalSong - I hope so. :)

[Tanemon]

Friendship (and what its nature is) is a topic that interests me.

I'm Canadian, but I've had friends & family down in the U.S. I know how passionate the last presidential election was for people down there... pitted neighbor against neighbor, relative against relative, and sometimes friend against friend.

It sounds like you're a more easygoing sort of person than your neighbor. And, depending on how your neighbor develops from now on, this might or might not be an ever-present hazard for that relationship in the future.

Yes, people do change sometimes - I've definitely noticed that they sometimes do. With some people that I've once considered friends and have now, in a sense, reclassified as "acquaintances", I'd be willing to re-enter mutual friendship... if the person in question were to genuinely open a dialogue about what went wrong, and seriously look at what their part in the botch might be.

But there is definitely, to my mind, a good reason why (for generations now) people have often shared the advice "stay off of discussion of religion & politics".

I rarely initiate discussion of such topics. But I'll quietly discuss them with people who can calmly consider things together, IOW listen with respect, speak with respect. And with an inquisitiveness, a quiet tolerance. But in the large majority of my friendships, we speak much more about values and observations about life & people than we do about politics or religion per se.

[Grace222]

Hi Tanemon,

Believe me, I absolutely agree about avoiding the topics of politics and religion.

Upon having some time to think about it, I feel the rift was inevitable. I felt we were growing apart. Maybe the Universe gave it a catalytic push for a reason. Still glad we met, but I think we fulfilled our karma and are meant to move on.

[Grace222]

I know now what this "rift" was. It was a narcissistic rage. To that point, I knew really nothing about narcissism. If anything, there was a foggy picture in my mind of a person who admired their own beauty in a mirror. There is so much more, and really people (empaths especially) should be aware (books on this: "The Sociopath Next Door"; "In Sheep's Clothing"; new one coming out "Energy Vampires" - even youtube videos). The signs were there, but I didn't realize them: love bombing to rush the bonding process, triangulation, undercurrent talk of controlling or manipulating, victim stories, devaluation, blame shifting, gas lighting, etc. Anyway, as a bit of closure and purge (close to a year later), I just want to say I now know what that was.

Originally Posted by Grace222

I am recovering from an awful conversation with a friend (dare I say she is at the moment? - and do I want her to be?). It stemmed from my pulling away due to being upset and concerned about being respected. Granted I can take responsibility of not handling the matter directly, but I felt I had communicated and was left hanging and was waiting for her to communicate back (I know - ego-based fearful thinking on my part). In the absence of a reply, I drew away and just decided I wasn't going to attend the party of a mutual friend. She then initiated talking, but I asked to talk the day after the party. I really did not feel trying to patch things to just go to a party was going to be a good idea. So we talked the next day. One of us talked. The other was yelling. I had to intermittently growl "Don't yell at me" - "Don't talk over me" - "Don't put words in my mouth". So, yes, it was awful. It certainly didn't serve to counter my concerns of being treated in a respectful manner. And at this point, I want to just cut her loose. She's wonderful when she's nice, but terrible and a bully when she's not. The catch is unfortunately that we live in the same neighborhood and our kids play together. So I feel I have to somewhat be on good/civil terms with her. Anyway, likely no easy answers. Maybe the resolution is something I have to live into. It just feels better typing this out.

[Crowzie]

Originally Posted by Grace222

I know now what this "rift" was. It was a narcissistic rage. To that point, I knew really nothing about narcissism. If anything, there was a foggy picture in my mind of a person who admired their own beauty in a mirror. There is so much more, and really people (empaths especially) should be aware (books on this: "The Sociopath Next Door"; "In Sheep's Clothing"; new one coming out "Energy Vampires" - even youtube videos). The signs were there, but I didn't realize them: love bombing to rush the bonding process, triangulation, undercurrent talk of controlling or manipulating, victim stories, devaluation, blame shifting, gas lighting, etc. Anyway, as a bit of closure and purge (close to a year later), I just want to say I now know what that was.

It's a shame that many of us are unaware of how prevalent narcissistic behaviour is, or truly understand the gravity of it. I recently got out of a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and lived with her family for awhile (her mom is quite narcissistic). Her BPD manifested many narcissistic qualities. I had no idea how BPD could express itself like that until everything was said and done. I'm fairly empathetic, and I found myself in the throes of chaos for much of the relationship. I didn't realize that I was sucking in the narcissism around me either.

I didn't know anything about empaths until it was too late. Those relationships are quite toxic to empaths in particular as they will take all of the narcissist's projections as their own and have absolutely no clue that they're doing it. I didn't have proper boundaries in place to safeguard myself at all.

I'm glad that you were able to eventually recognize what happened. I hope you're taking the time to heal and prevent further damage from the situation.

[Raziel]

Originally Posted by Grace222

I know now what this "rift" was. It was a narcissistic rage. To that point, I knew really nothing about narcissism. If anything, there was a foggy picture in my mind of a person who admired their own beauty in a mirror. There is so much more, and really people (empaths especially) should be aware (books on this: "The Sociopath Next Door"; "In Sheep's Clothing"; new one coming out "Energy Vampires" - even youtube videos). The signs were there, but I didn't realize them: love bombing to rush the bonding process, triangulation, undercurrent talk of controlling or manipulating, victim stories, devaluation, blame shifting, gas lighting, etc. Anyway, as a bit of closure and purge (close to a year later), I just want to say I now know what that was.

In the early 90's my friends brother had a secret that I knew & kept along with him.

It was a biggy for the time - especially amongst teenage boys (14) but I supported him & stuck up for his brother when my friend was tempted to feel shame towards him.

In larger circles the secret would arise as a subject for ridicule & for the sake of keeping cover my friend would often berate people with the same inclinations publicly.

Once I foolishly did the same thinking that I was essentially providing cover for my friend & he freaked out.

It lasted hours & whilst everyone else was oblivious to the reasons for his rage I kept my cool & let him vent the pent up frustrations towards me.

The next day I spotted some shifty behaviour from a group & I guessed what was coming but thankfully I remained calm.

It was a fight ..

My best friend in the whole world ran toward me being egged on by a huge crowd & he pushed me hard with hate in his eyes. I can't remember the words spoken but his brothers "secret" was the undercurrent of it all.

Still I said nothing - faced with a baying mob I could have destroyed the boy I loved like a brother by uttering the secret ..

but I didn't ...

I don't remember if he swung at me but I know that I was the most composed & focused I'd ever had to be in my life. The baying crowd couldn't stop me in my path & neither could he.

I somehow parted that crowd like the red sea, by merely walking forward with complete conviction.

~

We never spoke again but I know that 20 years later I was the best friend that he could have ever had by keeping that secret - especially when faced with the mob justice he directed towards me because of it.

I hope one day he realises.

~

All I could do was try to move on - but I'm still proud of the 14 year old me.

Bias as that is

It hurts - but not hurting those who we loved on some level is still a tremendous act of love in my eyes.

Perhaps more than their actions deserve.

I have always understood that I wasn't the real reason for his rage but I was placed in a very dangerous situation because of the mob that accompanied it.
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