Hello,
I recently found this forum and have been carefully browsing it as I’m very hesitant to talk to others of my experiences since childhood, though I have very much needed to find others who have had things happen to them much as I have. It’s hard to find such open-minded people in this modern-day, scientific world of ours where certain things “just aren’t possible” according to our society, though I'm educated and know in many cultures around the world it’s normal to understand things happen without needing scientific explanations. It’s that fear of being labeled “crazy” or “highly imaginative” that has set me back and I’ve always felt set apart from others even though I’m outgoing and people genuinely like to be around me. And yet the things I’ve experienced have made me who I am, a highly sensitive individual who is aware that everything down to the smallest blade of grass is connected, but one who has always been a bit of a loner by choice because there is always that part of me who is aware and I always wonder who knows of these things? Who has truly experienced.. things that we can’t explain? Who knows we’re all connected?
I have previously talked to some people about these things when the conversation has arisen and come across those who have had one or two things happen throughout their lifetime (which I always love to hear about) and others who have exaggerated an experience or blown things out of proportion believing every little bump, noise, or wind is a ghost, spirit, or what have you. That isn’t what I’m talking about here though.
I’ve read several threads now and so am cautiously approaching this forum, but so want understanding and maybe.. just maybe .. someone is going to relate and know what I’m speaking of without judging me a loopy-loo because I promise you I am anything but that. That’s my hope. So I’m taking a deep breath and diving in now, hiding anonymously behind an online alias. I apologize ahead of time if this is a bit long. I really haven’t been able to discuss all of this with anyone who may or may not understand and can't go into everything here or we'd be looking at a book I think. Anyway...
<Deep breath>
I remember first being aware and knowing I’m a part of a higher place, an essence.. or a state of simply “being” – if you will -when I was around 4-5 years old (I’m 45 now). It’s hard to explain some of this in words which are restricting. I recall waking from a nap in first grade and looking down at my arm and seeing a very slight light-ish shadow-like something (aura?) around my arm and hands and thinking, “Oh, I’m doing this over again.. I’m here again.” And then, my little kid mind wandered off again where little kid minds go, but for a minute I was just simply aware of a much larger picture.. like I used to be “big” and now I was little again.
Fast forward a year or two. My mother’s family owned a large Victorian-style home in a small town in Utah (where I'm originally from) where we would visit throughout the year. My Uncle Alvin was quite elderly at the time.. and ornery – in his eighties – and one day (I think I was 6 or 7) me and my cousins were chasing each other around playing and I kept seeing the faint shadowy form of a man in the front room. He was sitting in a chair, staring at me kind of sternly. I thought everyone could see him and just didn’t talk about it. I didn’t see him the same way I look at a living person.. all solid and flesh and blood.. he was just there.. hard to explain. Very faint, but there. We were told to stop running and scolded, but every time I walked through that living room I would run as it was unnerving to me. My mother finally grabbed me by the arms, angry and told me, “I told you to stop running!” I recall telling her the man in the living room was scaring me and her face changed and she asked, “what man?” So I described him. Elderly, tall, thin, sitting down with a stern look towards me. It was then my mother pulled me aside and whispered harshly not to say anything to anyone about it, most of all my grandmother. She explained that my grandmother’s father passed away in that corner of the living room many years before I was born. I remember feeling hurt and a bit confused, but did as I was told and didn’t talk about it anymore. (There was also a woman upstairs who was even fainter, but I didn’t tell mom that)
So that was the first thing… but something happened years later that changed everything.. changed my life, traumatized me and has not left me and never will. I’ve spent so much time trying to analyze it.. but.. when I was about 9 a large group of my family (uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc.) went camping in what is known as Jericho, Utah. It’s a tourist attraction now with bike riders and tons of people, but back then there were a lot of sand trails great for riding motorcycles, but there were also a lot of dead sheep and coyotes and you didn't run into people too often where we were. At night their howls literally filled the air.. it was creepy, but cool I thought. My grandfather was a sheepherder and though that took place more in the mountain regions, I know he was out there for another reason, but can’t recall the details on that now. I just recall finding a lot of dead sheep.. and as I was walking with my Uncle Willie (who is only 5 years older than me), we found a very, large deep crater-like pit covered with deep brush. It was strange because all around us there were tumbleweeds and sparse desert-type plants, but this area had thick, green brush and what looked like a little trail that went down into it, but it was steep and you couldn’t see too far down into it. My uncle started down and I don’t know why, but it scared me. I don’t know if this is important or not but wanted to mention it. It frightened me badly and I refused to go down that trail. I’m usually quite adventurous so this was unlike me. Uncle Will took me back to camp and I seem to recall him later mentioning it was too steep to get down anyway.
That night changed my life forever. It is still very vivid to me and it started with a dream. I was sleeping cramped in a top bunk of grandpa’s trailer squished between my sister and my cousin Tammy. I had a dream that I awoke in the bunk and there was a great black hole in the middle of it. I crawled towards it and started to fall in. I woke up startled as I had apparently crawled over my sister and fallen out of the bunk bed, landing partly on grandma who was sleeping beneath us with grandpa. She woke up and put me back to bed above them and she went back to sleep. I remember laying there for a while and it was so hot and thick in the camper that I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I rolled over to unwind the small camper window by my head and breathe some fresh air and cool off. As the window opened, I saw a bright man outside. We were camped clear in the middle of nowhere and we had two campers parked side-by-side. My uncles and other cousins were sleeping in the other camper that was maybe 20 feet away or so.. standing in between the campers was a bright man. I know this sounds crazy, but he glowed bright like a full moon does. He had a cloak on with a hood covering his head and he was facing out towards the desert, towards where that pit was I described earlier (though I still don’t know if it’s significant at all). I was on his right side and could see him in profile, but that isn’t all. (Oye, I can’t believe I’m telling this).. In his right hand was a staff. A big stick. He had a long white beard and I thought he looked like Moses or something. But on his left side was a large white wolf and his left hand was resting on the wolf’s head. I know it sounds crazy. But I saw them clearly. They were both completely white and glowing like the moon does, even the staff. That’s the best way I can describe it. I remember my heart pounding and being terrified for some reason that if he looked at me his eyes would be red and my face would melt. I don't know why I thought that and I kept pinching my arm frantic praying I was dreaming.. I couldn’t be seeing this because everyone had always told me “there are no such things as ghosts!” (even though I had already seen one when I was little).. I pinched my arm so hard my eyes watered. He would slowly start to turn his head towards me and I would duck my head down where he couldn’t see me but I somehow felt he was aware of me. I would finally get courage to look again and he was still there, staring out towards the desert. He would again slowly start turning his head towards me and I would quickly duck down again, scared he would see me. I don’t know how long this went on, but it seemed hours but could have been only one.. my heart racing the whole time and the sheer terror I was feeling.. I felt frozen. I don’t know why I didn’t wake anyone up.. As I’ve looked back on this scenario hundreds of times throughout my life, I realize now I was in complete shock. At some point, I finally fell back asleep and the next morning raced outside looking for prints, for wolf prints.. anything and frantically told my grandmother and uncles what I had seen. I thought surely someone else saw him. It was so hard for me because they said I was just dreaming even though I was so adamant what I had seen. I remember that pitying, disbelieving look they gave me.. and it hurt. No one had seen this or would believe me and I finally clammed up and wouldn’t’ speak about it. For years after, I was angry – particularly at my grandmother – for not listening. I know now she just didn’t understand. I was traumatized by this and they thought I made it up or dreamed it and I got in trouble as I had bruises on my arm from where I had pinched myself so hard. I tried explaining but they wouldn’t listen and that made it worse. My parents weren’t on the trip with us as they had to work. I told my mother when I got home and she listened and I could see the fear on her face, but she at least listened and tried to comfort me.. she said perhaps it was my guardian angel. I had a hard time sleeping for a long time after that, but it eventually drifted to the back of my mind.
I swear on my life and soul I saw this. I know what I saw, felt, and experienced that night and there aren’t many days that go by that it doesn’t cross my mind.. even now almost 40 years later. After running this through my mind repeatedly, and other things (not as intense) happening to me over the years, I think mom was actually somewhat right. He was guarding.. something. I don’t know what or why.. don’t know why he was there.. but I think he was guarding for some reason. I don’t know why he had a wolf. I just don’t know. It’s burned in my memory, however.
Many years later when I was in my teens, me and my sister got into a conversation and she brought up that trip.. she claimed to have seen a bright man. At first I was angry thinking she had heard me back then and was going to poke fun at me, but I saw the seriousness on her face. To make myself feel better, I told her to go in the kitchen and draw EXACTLY what she saw (she was sleeping next to me that night in the same bunk) and I would go in our living room and draw EXACTLY what I saw. Our pictures matched.. clear down to the staff and the wolf. I asked her why she never said anything and she said it scared her and she knew no one believed me when I spoke of it. I've still wondered if maybe she remembers it only because I was so adamant about it when I was little (she would have been about 7 years old at the time), but her picture was a perfect match to mine and this was many years later. I was about 15 and she was 13. I cried about that.. it made me feel better and I have a close bond with my sister. She doesn't like to talk about it too much and hasn't had the other types of experiences I've had. It makes her uncomfortable...
I know this is overly long and I will end this now. For those who read this whole thing.. thanks. I’ve had much more happen to me since this and I understand more now. I have had an out-of-body experience.. at least I think that was what it was.. years later.. and for a moment everything made perfect sense. I understood how everything works for a brief moment and it opened my eyes to a lot of things. It can’t be described in any language as language is too limited, but it’s amazing.. so amazing.
I haven’t had anything near as intense happen to me since seeing “the man” (as I call him), but have felt things and am aware/sensitive to such things. I’m afraid to see something like that again, however. It freaked me out. I have had one other thing in my twenties that was pretty intense, but more on that later. This is overly long and I’ll stop now. Know this is a hell of a “welcome” post. But there you have it. I can breathe now.. I don’t talk about this stuff much. I only hope there is someone who understands. Thank you for listening.
~Braiellen
Long, but hopefully worth it. I'm Braiellen :)
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